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How can one child do all of this

Crr18's picture

Here is the next round of sports schedules for SS. Football practice and and two game a week will be ending on the 27th. In November he starts to have basketball practice every week night and then 2 to 3 games start the third week of the month with the other weeknights still practice. The school baseball team wants them to start weight lifting for the spring season and we have already had to do a fund raiser where we spent $160 on a meat raffle.  Travel ball wants to start practicing and that usually is on Sundays for 2 hours and we have already paid a for a raffle there and SS has to start doing community work for that league and the cost is $1200 not including 4 out of town weekends and one weeklong tournament.He also has $50 batting lessons one night a week and he will start a pitching clinic every Saturday from 6pm to 8pm for 4 month which is costing $1000. And BM said he is starting to have a harder time with school and his friends. And then SO tells me when I get upset about it all it is my fault because I am bitter and have a mean streak. 


Yesterdays's picture

How does your SO feel about the cost and also time commitment for all of these sports? Is the general idea that he's on board with it all and if you disagree you're at fault? Can SO even afford all of this stuff without going into debt? Is there even enough hours in the day?!!

I think he doesn't like it when you bring up "the logistics" because it makes him feel attacked however I don't think he ever considers any of these things people normally consider... He's not thinking about how this affects your family unit in a broad sense. To take on all of these sports is beyond ridiculous.

He's afraid of causing waves with his child and BM. I mean how can he honestly not see how crazy this all is. It would make more sense to maybe choose one competitive sport and stick with that and be dedicated to it.

He's spreading his son too thin amongst all these sports... It's going to take a toll and its going to be a big circus. Is SO going to do all the driving even though SS doesn't come to visit any more? How does that work? 

Crr18's picture

He tells me he hates the cost and time commitments but I think it is a lie. If you hate it then you cut back and if BM wants to do it then she can. He also says he is going to make BM split the away games and driving back and forth but I know that won't happen. The driving him had decreased because it was just school football but when it gets into all these private practices etc the driving gets out of hand. 

CastleJJ's picture

My SS11.5 is on a similar schedule. He does unofficial preseason football from mid-April to May with optional camps in June. This is usually practice 3 days per week with games every weekend. He then does official football from July to October, practice 4 nights per week and games every weekend. He then does basketball from October until January, which is practice 3 nights per week and games every weekend. He then does soccer from February to May which is practice twice per week with games every weekend. On top of year-round sports which he's been doing since age 5, BM also has SS in STEAM club and Italian lessons after school. 

DH and I feel that SS is significantly overscheduled, but we are long distance with no legal custody so if BM wants to do all that work to get him there, then that's on her. We have told her that we feel he is overscheduled but BM keeps signing SS up for stuff, so we just no longer pay since we don't agree. The expense was getting out of control with registration fees, equipment, private lessons, tournament fees, etc. We weren't willing to foot half the bill when we get no say and don't agree. We can tell it impacts SS because you talk to him and he's like a burned out adult - he has school all day, sports all night, then games and stuff every weekend. He says he never has time to just play or be a kid. When you talk to him, it's like he's an adult with a full time corporate job that is slowly sucking the life out of him. It's sad. 

Winterglow's picture

Print out the next four or so calendar months and fill them in with all the sports/training/etc. dates - each subject in a different colour and see what it looks like. Post them on your fridge door.

I'd also have an Excel file where you note all the sports related expenses over the next year, as they happen. Do not forget to factor in the cost of gas traipsing this kid hither and thither - mileage to start from, and end at, your home when your SO has to go and fetch him at his mothers. 

Having another file that keeps count of the time in hours and in half days taht you do not see your SO because he's running his kids to sports.

He'll probablt find a way of ignoring all this but it might just give you the push to decide whether this is worth living with for any longer.

Crr18's picture

If I write it down there would be a huge argument about how I don't like his kid.

dragonfly878's picture

I get this. What if you were to say I don't like his schedule- or you (DH) for allowing it. 

Id still write it down for your own tracking purposes only. That way he knows- you know what's up. I'm a petty asshole and would then go out of my way to schedule girls trips on your only free time. If he says something you let him know you don't revolve your life around his schedule the way he does and will do as you please, as he does.

Crr18's picture

So when I schedule time with my friends what happens is he holds it against me and says you take time away from us by going out with your friends the time I take away from us is for my SS. Which has meant I pretty much try to only schedule to be with my friends when I know he is going to be with SS or out of town so that he doesn't try to run SS around more during our time.  I know it is pathetic for me to do this. I hate playing these games.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

He's a shithead to expect you to sacrifice as much for his son as he does. Maybe he's one of these narcissists who sees their kids as extensions of themselves and not actual people. 

Yesterdays's picture

He is trying to have power and control over you. He does this by trying to make you feel bad over things. He wants you to be OK with all of this crazy situation.

If you speak up, he doesn't listen to your concerns. He belittles you and seemingly mocks you or at the very least he tells you that your opinion doesn't matter. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

He made you get to the point of "quieting" your voice, your opinions around him. If you stop talking to him about these things and stop voicing your thoughts, he's effectively silenced you so that he can keep pushing his agenda.

He's taken away part of you. He's trying to isolate you from friends and he's trying to make your life revolve around his sons activities. If you stay with this man, do not quiet your voice for him. Keep speaking up, even if it "makes him uncomfortable". This is your life too!! 

Yesterdays's picture

I think that he tries to "normalize" his situation by saying everyone does this, tries to justify it and tries to villlianize you if you have an opinion that he doesn't agree with.

You probably start to question over time. From a complete outsider perspective, he's over scheduling his child with all of these activities. He's putting too much money and time toward all of this stuff and it's not leaving his son enough time to do schoolwork and just be a kid.

There is no downtime. That is not healthy. Not to mention it doesn't leave time for your relationship. He's wrong to not be able too discuss the logistics with you or to not consider your opinion. You are not wrong in feeling he is going overboard. He absolutely is overdoing it and going overboard. 

Winterglow's picture

So he's trying to isolate you. You're aware that this is abuse, aren't you?

Why should your life be dependent on his son? Taking care of his son is his job, not yours.

You should be able to see your friends any time you like. Stand up for yourself. Take your life back.

Crr18's picture

I can go out with friends whenever I want to. I just try to schedule it when I know he is driving SS around or out of town so he doesn't use it against me so that he has a reason to Uber his kids around more.  It is me who does it to myself but i guess he is the one that caused me to behave this way. 

Rags's picture


Make a different choice other than feeling guilty.

Take care of you.

He gashlights you over his betrayal of your time together by categorizing your time with friends as detrimental to your relationship while justifying his betraying you and the relationship.

Stop tolerating it and start baring his ass. 


ESMOD's picture

You need to practice this in front of the mirror.

I don't hate your kid, I hate the fact that you and your EX allow him to be scheduled to infinity... 

I don't hate your kid, I actually am MORE worried about his future than you and his mother are.  Clearly you are being told his grades and even social life suffers from this focus on sports.. yet you allow your child..that is going to be an adult in less than Three Years throw away his potential by ignoring his education so he can play some games.  

I get it.. school isn't "fun" for his kid.. (it rarely is for the lazy).. but I would tell him that you question his moral compass as a parent when he can't be bothered to worry about things that will actually impact his kid's future.. like whether he goes to college or not.

And.. if they all have some super top secret plan in how his kid is going to live as an adult.. tell.. so you can stop just assuming that both his parents are idiots for letting this kid choose to do things that are actively harming his chances of a successful future.

Sure.. some extra curricular activity is healthy.. but THIS (point to the blacked out schedule).. is ridiculous and harmful.

Crr18's picture

When I bring up that it is too much I am told that all of his friends do all of these things too, but do they really do all of this?  And each individual child and family is different I don't believe you should keep up with the "Jones" . As parents you need to set limits that your child can handle not what his friends can handle.  I am at a loss because it won't change I have talked to him about over and over again. He says he wants to change it but he can't. He is gaslighting me when it comes to this. He blames BM but it is also on SO. The only way for it to stop for me is if I leave. 

Winterglow's picture

"and if his friends start jumping off of bridges does that mean he should too?"


Crr18's picture

I definitely think it would be okay for SS to also jump.  They both want him to be part of the popular kids. BM more so. But it is both of them. 

Rags's picture

"Just because a pig wallows in muck does that mean you should too?"

Justifying idiocy because idiots do it, is... just moronic shit.


AgedOut's picture

white board it. I'm not kidding, since he isn't getting it white board it. (or just write it down)


sport 1: days of week practices, games ... costs (break it down as entry fees, raffle fees, travel costs on avg., supplies/gear

sport 2: days of week, practices, weight room times   ... costs 

sport 3: days of week, expectations .... costs


and do it for the entire school year. 

if he won't listen, make his read it. 

Yesterdays's picture

He should have a dollar cap worked out for each year for sports so they don't go overboard but sounds like it's not an issue he even cares about anyhow..

We have a dollar amount spelled out in our separation agreement for sports and music. If we choose to enroll the kids in more than the capped amount it's OOP.. Not shared between my ex and I. 

He doesn't seem to care about the cost?

I agree with the other posters. 

Create an excel sheet tallying the expenses for  the year and showing how many activities per day

I also agree in the end you'll have to determine if it's a lifestyle you're ok with living with for the next X years 

JRI's picture

My YSS had year-round sports, too.  He lived with us and is/was athleticly gifted.  In his case, as the youngest of 5 here, it was an outlet for his emotions and a way to get good attention.  We were lucky that all the coaches were positive role models.

The expense was high and all the driving was a pain.  I'm not a sports person so attending games wasn't interesting. The worst part was that the softball league required hours of labor from each parent, in my case, stints at the refreshment stand.  It was the first and last time I ever worked fast food.  Lol.

Lillywy00's picture

Not sure how old your ss is but .... for multi sport hs athletes that make it to college D1 (heck even D2 and D3 level), at some point typically jr year they are pushed to select the sport they're best at (where they will be offered most scholarship money) and focus on that ONE 

My kid is or was a multi sport athlete (basketball, lacrosse, swimming, soccer, etc) and when HS started I made her chose ONE then laser focused on being the best at that.

I'm doing traveling sports too (great break from these skids/Disneyland weekends) and getting recruitment from college coaches. 

Good luck !

Crr18's picture

He is 15 and in 9th grade. It had been discussed between BM and SO that he would have to at least stop doing one of the sports. That didn't happen. 

PetSpoiler's picture

Baseball alone takes up so much time.  Lying Ingrate was signed up for it at an early age by BM.  He loved it growing up and still does.  It took up so much of his time, especially in high school.  We made him pick a sport every year if he wanted to play.  None of this multiple sports every year.  We couldn't afford it and didn't have time or energy to run him around.  I get that it's good for them to be into something to keep them out of others, but they need time to rest, do their homework, study, and have time to themselves.  

notarelative's picture

How can one child do all this? The answer is that they can't. Not unless they can clone themselves and be in multiple places at once.

BM said he is starting to have a harder time with school and his friends

Unfortunately, BM does not see the correlation between over scheduling and school. As to friends, SS does not have time for them. He only has time for acquaintances on teams.

then SO tells me when I get upset about it all it is my fault because I am bitter and have a mean streak. 

It's so much easier to blame you than face reality.



ESMOD's picture

The reality is that juggling school teams and more demanding travel teams for multiple sports is going to be the all consuming focus.  School.. friends.. they will be back burner.

I think we all have a tendency to gravitate towards the things we enjoy and like.. doing certain tasks first.. letting the ones we are not good at or don't enjoy.. slip down the list.

He is being allowed to push off the academics.. or at best.. be a marginal performer there.

But.. eventually.. his body will become burnt out and his performance even in sports may suffer. he will be susceptible to overuse injuries.. etc.. I guess his only saving grace is that perhaps he is a bit lazy of a kid.. so probably doesn't practice independently much.

certainly by early HS.. kids do narrow their focus.. so that they can maximize the ability to capitalize on scholarship opportunites.. colleges don't want a jack of all trades athlete.. 

AgedOut's picture

burn out is a real thing a if he's droping back academically it will only make it worse when it is time to pick a college. I had to tell my kids, when they hit the HS level, that they couldn't do overlapping sports. Jokes on me because they wrestled year round and then ran track and cross country for "conditioning" but it was a year round thing and it drained everyone, phsically and finaniially. 

If he hopes to play in college he has to be realistic about his chances of getting scholarship to a D1 school. Grades, community service, etc. it all counts and if his talent level is okay but his other things don't balance him out, he's going no where. My kids burned out. My youngest achieved his goals academically and in HS wrestling but he was done so those schools that did want him to come wrestle were off his list. Luckily he had the grades to pull in scholarships and grants and went into a good program. He had balance. 


What do you SS's parents see him headed toward? Do they think he can make sports his realistic career? 

ESMOD's picture

From what OP has stated... at least in one of his sports... baseball...  he has some talent pitching.. but can't hit as competitively...from her POV... he also lacks the ability to take coaching and try to practice what he is told.. so he doesn't improve.

I'm guessing that with the other sports.. he is similarly skilled.  He is probably a fairly fit kid (with all those sport team involvements).. he also probably has a bit of natural ability.. maybe to make himself  a "decent" player among his peers.. but I also get the feeling that he is not an exceptional athlete in any of his sports... partially due to his attitude where he doesn't work on improving..

If "they" (mom, dad, kid) have an end game where he will get some sort of scholarship for his troubles.. they should probably be doing some targeted planning vs throwing everything but the kitchen sink into things.

I might even suggest they seek out a student athlete consultant.. maybe someone could take a look at where he is now.. and what he should focus on to improve his chances.  Maybe if one of his travel teams has feeders into state colleges.. they might give some advice?  IDK.. it just feels like they would benefit from someone with experience helping them focus.

But.. if it's just that they want him to be busy and have "fun".. this still begs the question of .. what happens next.. when he doesn't get into a college of choice due to poor grades?  what will he do with his life?  He's 16.. it's not too early to be discussing this.

I get that it rankles over the cost (that your SO pays.. and you don't have joint finances).. but what kind of return is he hoping to get for this outlay...? getting into a good school?  he has to understand that his kid needs to balance his grades right.. and that even IF he gets a scholarship for a sport.. (which would mean he is making one cut above the mass of other kids playing alongside of him).. he will be highly unlikely to go beyond any kind of college play.. where just a fraction of kids get to go beyond..and then it is a further fraction of kids that will actually be the ones making the majors.. the big league and big league pay.


Crr18's picture

SO and BM don't think he will get a scholarship for any sport. He wants to play so they let him play all of it.  And if he continues this his grades will end up dropping and I guess they don't see this. Or they just don't what to.

Winterglow's picture

So, in other words, they don't give a shit about their child's future.

So what the real point in all this ?

Crr18's picture

I would love to know what the real point is.  I think it is because SS keeps asking and neither parent will say no. 

Yesterdays's picture

Do you think that SO does this as a way of keeping his son in his life? Because it means he spends time with him when he wouldn't otherwise? 

Crr18's picture

I do think this is the only thing that does keep SS around. But it is sad that SO has to support all of this jaut for crumbs. 

AlmostGone834's picture

Not sure if you're looking to vent or for advice but there really is no way to make to make your DH see the light without being a big ol' meanie SM. 

The laying out of all the financials and time constraints was a great idea so was the idea to remind him of the importance of school and downtime... but if he's not on board, there's not much you can do. Perhaps he still see it for himself once all this ramps up an you won't have to say anything?

 Does all this $$$ affect your family budget? If so I would definitely have to say something. The resentment would be too much and there's no reason he can't pick one sport (he's not being deprived of anything). But... again it comes down to your DH. 

When push comes to shove... would he pick SS and sports... or you? And can you live with his choice?

Crr18's picture

Yes it is all very good advise. I have already told him this was cutting into time and finances for things we need to do in the home and as a couple. If I told him he has to choose he would explode and say he does the best he can with all of us and I just don't understand that he is a dad and this is what he is supposed to do and tell me how much hell he has been through doing it on his own for so long. He said we always get through every sport season and it will come to an end. In four years because SS wil still play in a travel baseball team after he graduates before he goes to college. When I joked about him getting a job like his sister did when she was 15 he laughed and said I am too busy and will stay busy. The sports won't end. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

When SS gets a license and can drive himself, the time issue will resolve. The money issue, sadly, will multiply. 

Crr18's picture

He won't drive for a year and a half. Plus the travel baseball will continue to get further away and i would think a parent still goes with them. At least he will be able to drive himself to practices .  But it is hard for me to plan a future when money flies out the window.

Rags's picture

Less invasive, dedicated time between the kid(s) and the NCP, and near zero ability for the CP to interfere.

If the CP fails to surrender the kid per the COd visitation schedule, there is a defined moment where the CP has perpetrated contempt of court and the NCP can immediately engage the courts to address it.

If it is the NCP that is the toxic element, they can be kept distant, the kid only has to be infested by that toxicity intermittently rather than regularly if not constantly.

In our case, DW was the full physical and legal custodian of SS from birth.  She left the people's republic of SpermLand a few months after graduating from HS to attend University taking SS with her.  She has never again lived in SpermLand in the 30 years since she left.

This kept the visitation schedule as long distance since SS was 14mos old.  There was no visitation schedule when he was an infant.  The visitation schedule was COd a week before SS turned 2yo.  They made zero effort to see SS for more than a year.  Since the visitation CW was ordered when he was 2yo, they went a year or more refusing visitation on 3 to 5 occassions.  

Because SS was not polluted by regular exposure to them, he has been a successful adult. His three younger also out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs include a dole queen (SpermSpawn #2), a convicted felon/prison inmate (SpermSpawn #3) and the youngest is not far behind the inmate (SpermSpawn #4).

If at all possible, I would engage in a long distance visitation schedule Vs a local schedule.

In the SpermLand jurisdiction where our CO was ordered, any distance of 200Miles or more mandates a long distance visitation schedule.  

 Check how far it takes for you to move to get a long distance schedule. I would.

Good luck.

Crr18's picture

There is no way he would move until the kids graduate. But if you mean just me move that is already back on the table.  I've tried and tried and at least four more years of all these sports is too much for me. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

If he followed the custody schedule and took the kids on his CO'd days, would that be tolerable? To me it sounds like it's the chaos of him just stopping everything and dancing to BM/skids' tune that would be intolerable to me. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

ETA when i did the CO, i would do all the "running" on my days and if there was a performance or recital on my ex's days, i would go, but it wasn't just all-out chaos with no predictability. 

Crr18's picture

There was never a CO so they had just picked the days that they thought worked for them. But now that the kids don't stay with us there are no nights that are specific anymore. Them not staying made it nice in one way but it of course is now becoming an issue. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Yeah, i can't imagine being the stepparent in an "anything goes" situation. Or being the kid, either. Imagine not being able to have any predictability in where you sleep and when. Just bounced around based on your parents' whims. 

Crr18's picture

The schedule was they stayed over night every Tuesday and Thursday and either a Friday or Saturday night.  SO would Uber then around even in the nights that weren't his and we had several disagreements about that. He started to get better at it and then the kids stopped stayin and now it is all over the place. The driving had gone down over the summer but it is picking back up because he will be doing basically two sports at one time. Even though there are no baseball games the practices are going to become overwhelming along with the basketball practice and three games a week. And for some reason SO ends up doing 99 percent of the baseball stuff. 

Rags's picture

 that DH keeps a rolled up copy of readily at hand to beat the shit out of BM with.  If the SKids do not comply with the COd schedule, DH beats BM with a contempt motion dragging her to court for an ass baring. 

Each and ever time BM fails to surrender the SKids per the COd schedule.   Whether it is the kids refusing visitation or not, BM gets smacked with a contempt motion.

The being the Xs beck-and-call bitch and catering to the failed family crotch droppings should never be tolerated by a Sparent. Our mate is our mate. Not the XW/BM's or XH/SperDad's mate.

The married team has to be unassailable and must deliver total destruction and abject misery to those who make the mistake of thinking they matter more than our relationship with our mate.


Crr18's picture

He will never take her to court . He says the kids will dislike him even more.  He has deep down issues that make him like this. He has some very good qualities that keep me from doing what I know I need to do and that is walk away.  I am very lost. 

thinkthrice's picture

Over schedule with extra curriculars and hand dad (and SM) the bill.  Then complain that dad doesn't want to taxi his kids around on his visitation time.