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Getting out

Crr18's picture

Just want to say if any of you are new in the SP world and have not moved in or married your SO and there are already issues please think long and hard about moving forward. You can look back at my posts and see what I have been through and continue to go thru while I am planning my exit. Today is a new battle. SO want to take SD to dinner for her birthday. I told him to just take her and SS by himself so that it is not tense.  I will be here at the house for cupcakes when you are done with dinner. He is now screaming at me saying how does this make things better it is tense with him and being around his own kids he said.                                                        I think it is fine if I don't go. I don't care and the kids won't care. Why does there have to be a fight. 


SeeYouNever's picture

This is why you can't win. The kids and you both would prefer you weren't there. Your SO wants you to be just as involved as he is with his kids (or more) and to feel the same way that he does about them. Anything less and he takes it as an insult.

So what is a step parent to do? Should you keep your distance which is what you and the kids will probably both prefer or should you put on the show for your SO to make them happy because they're the ones that you have to live with. But in doing that you set up these expectations that you're going to have to continue and gradually that builds resentment in everyone.

Your SO is probably scared because you don't want to fight anymore, He probably knows that at this point you've checked out.

Winterglow's picture

.Maybe lay it on thick about how it's a great opportunity for him to bond with his kids without you as interference?

Crr18's picture

This is what I said but he said I am rude and it is SD birthday and he can't believe I am saying it is better if I don't go. That I should celebrate it with her.                                                      How is it a celebration if all that will happen is that SS will order water and SD will eat one mozzarella stick and SO will just bombard them with the same questions that all they do is say fine, yes and no to.  Please take you daughter out so she knows you care about her but I don't need to be part of that for my sanity.                                                                        How they act together is not a family in my book.  Plus there Step dad didn't go when it was BM taking her to dinner. Not that that matter but still .

AgedOut's picture

without you to be a magnet for their dislike and disgust, he might have to accept it coming his way too. he doesn't need you as a buffer, he needs you as a target. I actually tihnk he fosters their dislike of you because then he can pretend he's a good dad. when you avoid the taget he drew on you, he gets angry.

Harry's picture

They will target him.  There will be no reason for SK tensions.  You are not there. But when tension starts at dinner, it's him, or SK are just as*'s and are causing tension for the fun of it.  And then DH has to actually deal with his kids. 
He needs you as a buffer, because you are always wrong. 

SeeYouNever's picture

You're right, he needs her to be there to draw their fire, otherwise it will come to him.

Of course plenty of these dad's will throw SM under the bus if she's not there to defend herself.

CLove's picture

with you there it will make it easier for HIM.

So glad you are getting out.

Stepdrama2020's picture

All of this is painful to read.

DH doesnt like to face them alone. The dysfunction will continue and he needs the family mascot (more like scapegoat but whatever)to be the target, bettter her than me mentality. Only a coward throws his wife infront of the bullet.

Remember your goal and everyday you are closer. Imagine a time where none of this is yours to deal with.


AlmostGone834's picture

Why can't these men just spend time with their kids ALONE? My God, Little Idiot (SD22.5) didn't even dislike me being there so there was no reason for me being a "target" or anything. He just didn't want to spend one on one time with her! I tried over and over to get them to do things by themselves so I could have a break but he wouldn't allow it. She's YOUR kid DH! You say all the time hoops great she is!  YOU spend time with her! I never could understand it. 

Crr18's picture

He doesn't want one on one time with his kids. If he is with SS it is always something with sports so he doesn't have to actually converse with him because there is no talking to these kids. He says he feels as awkward around his kids as I do.  Not my fault. This now has become a fight today. He was yelling that I have hurt him by what I am doing. That it is about me and not about SD.  He said that he doesn't want two lives that we should all be able to be together. I said your kids don't care about me why should I make it uncomfortable for SD at dinner just enjoy your time with them. He said he doesn't wan to talk to me anymore today . He will never ever see he is to blame. When I leave it will be all my fault. 

AlmostGone834's picture

Does this make any sense to you? I mean they talk about how great their kids are (at least mine does) sooooo why are they uncomfortable around them? Why would you ever be uncomfortable around your own wonderful kids?

Crr18's picture

It makes no sense to me whatsoever. He has made his kids unapproachable and now he can't fix it. He should jump at the opportunity to be with his kids without me. Why force people to sit down with each other if they don't want to and don't have to.  I will be in our home when they stop after for cupcakes.

missgingersnap2021's picture

DH is like this - He wants me there to keep him company and join in his misery. I wouldnt mind if he was loving and affecionate towards me but in front of SD18 he treats me like a roomamte not a spouse. Just go and do what I do - order TWO galsses of wine!!!


Crr18's picture

There is no wine it isn't even a good place. Eat n Park. You know so the kids have something to choose from.  I am so tired of having to do what he thinks is right. Nothing he does is right when it comes to his dysfunctional family.  When I was telling him to stop talking about Christmas presents he said I want you involved that I am part of the family. I said I am not if I was then you would consider my opinion about your overspending for gifts. Just everything he does for them is all wrong. I know they are not my kids but why should I stay with someone who says he has my values of parenting and then says he can't parent that way. 

Crr18's picture

I have appointments to look at a few apartments while he is out of town this week. It is sad though how he has made the kids. They would not have any cupcakes with us and their grandparents this evening. I am getting anxious to leave.

SteppedOut's picture

He's  a freaking nutcase. Seriously, I am so happy you chose yourself and you are leaving... hopefully soon. 

Crr18's picture

SS was about falling asleep during all of the "party" . SO said he was like that at the batting cage too. He says it is because of staying out late with friends. Well is is now 7 pm the next night and he is still tired. And SO asked him how a movie he saw at the movie theater was and SS blantently said I don't know I was goofing off the entire time. SO actually laughed at this. How is this funny at all. He is in trouble in school at games and now he is acting like this in a public movie theater. But yet all SO can bitch about is the grandmother asking SD to bake cookies with her. And then he wanted me to snuggle with him at night after he was mean to me all day and then be mad again because I said no I wouldn't snuggle. He leaves for out of town work for three nights and I need the break. But he is rushing home Thursday to not miss SS basketball game no matter if he is done with work or not. 

Yesterdays's picture

His priorities in life are completely backwards. I don't think he realizes that his actions create the exact reverse of what he is probably trying to accomplish 

TrueNorth77's picture

Good grief, just go with your kids and STFU DH! Sometimes they just can't admit that the stepfamily dynamic isn't perfect and it's just better if we stay out of it.

Elea's picture

This makes me count my blessings ... At least that's one thing I never have to worry about. DH doesn't pressure me to go with him and SDiablas's. Sometimes he says he'd like me to be there too but if I say I don't want to or have something else to do he is totally easy about it. I guess I didn't completely realize how lucky I am.

Crr18's picture

That is great you are not forced to go. I know how much I say that is negative about my relationship and yes I am leaving. But my SO does actually love me. He does tons of nice things for me. It is that I end up questioning myself about everything he does because I think some of it is manipulative in order to get what he wants. It is not healthy.

la_dulce_vida's picture

My XH2 used to do "lots of nice things" for me, too. But he was ALSO abusive. If the abuse was physical, would it be okay if he bought you flowers?

Mental, emotional and financial abuse are REAL and very harmful.

My XH2 used to buy me the BEST gifts, the MOST beautiful flower arrangements and was an incredible lover.

He also used to love bomb then devalue me. He would also create drama then say I was being insecure, jealous or CRAZY! He chose is 4 sons over me so many times. He used me financially. He played games with my head. He tampered with my food. He "accidentally" hit me really hard one night while "sleeping." He shoulder checked me a few times. He would dramatically shut me out and give me the cold shoulder if I gave any push back or call him out. Any tiny amount of perceived criticism or "rejection" would result in a blow up. He used to triangulate me with other women, too. Unattractive women, oddly enough.

Even if your guy doesn't do 1/2 the bad things my XH2 did, doing nice things for you DOES NOT make up for the awful things he does.

Crr18's picture

I just read on a website a SM talking about how her husband is happiest when it is her and the kids because he loves them all but she is happiest when it is just him and her since she doesn't "love " the children the way he does. I guess it is hard for me to look at it from his point of view as hard as it is for him to see it from mine.i Just think it would be easier for me to see it if the kids seemed to care for their dad.

missgingersnap2021's picture

I would love to read that website! This is my DH!!! He was mopey Friday and Staurday becuase SD18 was busy with her boyfriend both days but Sunday she was here all day and I was home all day too. He was as happy as a pig in mud!!! (Keep in mind she stayed in her room till dinner, he was in the bonus room and I was everywhere else so he wasnt even spending any time with either of us)I became happy around  9pm when she said she was going home instead of staying the night...

la_dulce_vida's picture

A LOT of these dads need a buffer. They can't handle having their kids on their own, so they need someone else to be the "irritant" or "scapegoat" or "planner" or "social director" so that the spotlight isn't on them and/or they don't feel outnumbered or at a loss for words with their own offspring.

Crr18's picture

I don't  know how to share links. It is sad that he wants her around but doesn't actually care if he spends time with her. My SO is like that too. As long as they are sleeping overnight he thinks that is a win. 

Yesterdays's picture

As a bio parent myself... While I cherish the time I have with my kids I'm also over the moon happy for alone time with just my spouse. Just yesterday we were going record shopping and making dinner together with a blues album on, dancing around. I need those times. I understand missing your kids but it's healthy to have both. And relationships need that dedicated time for one another.