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Doing something not so nice

Crr18's picture

I normally am not a mean or vengeful person. I want to do something not so nice but need to see if I should or if it is beneath me and would be like I have no class. And since I am leaving anyway I want to get a point across.  BM did the thing again as I am sure most people have seen my post where she is not going to talk to SO anymore and in less then a week she is texting everyday .  I want to text her and say does your DH know you text your ex everyday and what is it you want from him that you can't just make a schedule and quit the daily communication. Are you still in love with him?It still hurts that she does this even though I am on my way out. I literally would love to punch her in the face and I am not a violent person. I know SO is not innocent in this but she has made him this way and now he won't stop her. I know he chooses to keep this communication open but I want to make a point.


ndc's picture

Heck no!  Not because it's mean, but because it might encourage BM and no good can come of it. Just lay low until you can escape this dysfunction.

Winterglow's picture

Please don't do this - you are so much better than that. Don't let yourself be dragged down by the urge to have revenge, it just isn't worth it, and your DuH would be thrilled that you are prepared to fight for him (boke).

OTOH, if you really want to stir things up, contact her DH instead ... (slaps wrist, bad Winterglow, bad...)

Survivingstephell's picture

Come sit by me! LOL.  I'd recommend taking pictures of said texts then send them to her DH in the mail after you left.  To his work place.  Anonymously.   

Jcksjj's picture

Bahaha at the last part. One time I introduced myself when I ran into SD with BMs current fling at the school. BM never had him pick SD up again.

stepmomnorth's picture

I think that bio mom craves drama, so reaching out to her is what she wants, to get you riled up, therefore *she* wins. I get where you are coming from, that feeling of being stepped on one too many times. I think that maybe you should do something drastic... I just don't think reaching out to bio mom is the right way to go about it. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

It won't do any good. Trust me, I get it. ET makes post after post on social media about being a "strong, independent woman who doesn't need a man" while at the same time relying on my DH or her XH/BF/Flavor of the Week to take care of things for her.

While the BM in your situation is A problem, your SO is THE problem for YOU. You'll never get her to stop. The only person who can is her. Your SO can put up boundaries, but he won't. Whether she loves him or not is irrelevant. Whether her DH knows or not is irrelevant. The communication doesn't actually impact you. The reaction by your SO is what does, and the person who has control over that is SO.

Additionally, texting her only puts you in danger. Your SO isn't going to tell you thanks for sticking up for him. He is going to take his anger out on you. A small amount of that anger would be justified for interfering in this, but he'd likely lose his top (based on how he has reacted in the past). Would he turn violent? If yes, then not only does that mean you need to navigate this carefully, but you need to get out sooner rather than later.

advice.only2's picture

Could you imagine if you did this and BM then went off on SO, who already seems unhinged, he would then come after you for “interfering”?  Let the toxic duo continue to text while you get yourself the hell out of there

stepmomnorth's picture

Get out of there safely, move on with your life and be fabulous without him and his tether strings attached to bio mom, that is your ultimate revenge. Living your true life. They can do whatever... When what they do no longer affects your life.... That will be true gold!! Keep your eye on that prize. 

Stepdrama2020's picture

Sometimes doing the right thing, taking the high road can suck. BTDT

Let it go, until you are safely gone.

After that, well its up to you. Ask yourself will it change anything and will you feel better doing this? Only you can honestly answer this.

My first instinct when I read your blog was yes lady just do it. However I have to agree with the responses to leave it alone.

Dang, the high road sucks LOL


thinkthrice's picture

waiting until you are safely removed from the drama, then inform the BM's DH. LOL

Crr18's picture

I won't do it but I so want too. But maybe I should take pictures of the absurd amount of texts and after I leave figure out how to get them to her DH. But maybe he knows and doesn't care/ I think some people can deal with it a lot easier. Plus she cheated on my SO with this man so maybe he feels superior to him and has thinks he has nothing to worry about. Especially since SO and BM have been separated for so long. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Could be that the DH is disengaged. Or BM takes out all her frustation on your SO so her DH gets sweet, nice BM. Or her DH is who riles her up but BM refuses to go after him so she attacks your SO.

Her DH is just as involved as you are. He can't control her any more than you can control your SO. All you'll do is stir drama that makes you look petty.

stepmomnorth's picture

He probably wouldnt be too bothered unless it was along the lines of being flirtatious , Imo. If it was just to show too many texts in general, he might not get why you are sending

Crr18's picture

There is no flirtation that I see from either end. I think she likes to stay relavant in SO life for some reason. Of course I could read it all wrong and she actually only wants to let him know about the kids. But I know it is not for me.  

stepmomnorth's picture

It does sound annoying, for sure.. especially all the sports, that's insane how much the kids have going on. 

reedle2021's picture

I would just walk away.  I wouldn't engage with her.  Let these people have each other.  You are better than that.  If you text her, it will bring you nothing but grief and you'll come out looking like the a$$hole.  I know it's hard, but walking away with your head up is the best thing in my opinion.

Take care of yourself, please keep us posted! 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

I have literally bitten my tongue and the inside of my mouth bloody holding back words. Do NOT do it. Take the high road and stay silent. Do not lower yourself. Keep pushing forward to get yourself gone. {{{hugs}}}

Crr18's picture

Can I at least text "make a schedule'. She text yesterday see if SO could pick him up from practice already knowing he was and then taking him to a private batting practice and then she proceeded to ask him if he was going to his football game tonight. It is none of her business it is not SO night so he can do what he wants. So it is all about the kids but I think it gets carried to far with the back and forth.

stepmomnorth's picture

"It's my night so I'm already doing the drive as per our agreement. There is no need to follow up. Moving forward I will handle any drives on my night. You are responsible for any drives that occur on your scheduled night." 

Crr18's picture

Yes that is what the text back to her from him should have said but he doesn't do that because of the kids. Or so he says. I wish I could block it until I leave but it still hurts.

Winterglow's picture

Rubbish, it has nothing to do with the kids, he just wants to make life easier for his ex, that's all. Tell me, is he as much of a pathetic doormat at work? 

Crr18's picture

He has worked at his job since college. So he has been there like 30 years.  I wouldn't say he is a doormat there. He pretty much does what he wants but doesn't really like it But saying that it could be that he is just plan afraid of change.So him not ever getting a different job could be like him not wanting to change the contact habits with his ex. He just plan doesn't know how to handle change.

Rags's picture

My DW used to play the "I do that for the kid" card.  Usually in reference to tolerating toxic manipulative bullshit from the SpermClan.  Her reasoning was that if she did nto confront them they would not take it out on the kid while he was in SpermLand on SpermClan visitation.  They took it out on the kid anyway.

So, after a couple of years of not confronting them she went full battle maiden on them.  The kid thrived once his mom went zero tolerance on the SpermClan.  They toned down most of their manipulation of the kid and lying to him and as SS became knowledgeable on the facts, in an age appropriate manner, he could protect himself when he was on visitation.

stepmomnorth's picture

I think you already realize his behavior pattern is not going to change, he's going to be beck and call taxi for the step kids on any word given from bio mom. I was kind of hinting above that you could word it in a succinct way what he should reply but didn't lol. But that is stirring the pot and probably not a good idea before you leave.

I really think your effort would be better spent looking at apartments rather than worrying over why he acts this way to his kids and why bio mom attaches herself to him. It's a pattern of disfunction,  not sure why they act this way, it's illogical, but it's not going to change. Of course, hypothetically he could change and it would improve his relationships but he doesn't seem to get it. He doesn't know how to set boundaries and that's a serious problem. 

Crr18's picture

It is like I see that he is ready to change and then he just can't bring himself to it. He really has issues.  I have been looking to see iif there are other apartments available sooner but they are gross . There are certain things I need. I love sitting outdoors and I at least want a small balcony for a chair or two and it must have a washer and dryer in the unit. And I want to be as close to work as I can and I have two cars. Not that you needs to k ow my apartment reguirements and it doesn't seem like it is a hard list to fill but it actually is. 

stepmomnorth's picture

I used to have a one bedroom apartment in the city near my work and it was so nice. I agree a balcony is a must for getting outside and having some fresh air and escaping from the indoors. My unit had laundry on the main level which was kind of a pain but I dealt. Finding a spot with 2 parking spots might be hard? Is is possible to sell one car? I was lucky enough to find an apartment that was a 30 minute walk to work and I walked each day, which was great. In our area rental prices are high but if you look around there's some reasonable rent. 

bananaseedo's picture

Taking the high road is so boring!  I say hold on to your ammo until you are out the door, then take them grenades and blow the bridges up! lol  Go out with a boom!  But...not until you are out already IMO. 

Rags's picture


Use them.  I would make sure your STBX knows the facts and I would also make sure his previous XW knows them as well. Maybe even introduce the Skids to the facts.

Reaching out to her DH once you have made your exit might even be something I would do. He should know that his wife is having an ongoing emotional affair with her XH.  If I were him, I would want to know.


Crr18's picture

I really want to do it. But I feel it is out of spite. But BM does have an attachment to my SO. I told him this and he doesn't believe me.  He said I need to believe that he can't stand her but can't lose contact because of the kids.He is now showing me the texts and saying all she is texting about is the kids. Yes I get that but to do it every single day means you are not letting go. He said can't you see I am not initiating any of this. He is so worried about those kids. He said he doesn't know how to make her stop and if he brings it up it will be worse. That she will come down so hard on him. He said I don't see or understand this will happen. He said in the past he has had to have grown up conversations with her and all she does is get mad and start a fight and say he is a shitty dad blah blah blah.  I told him that she ruined your first marriage and now she is ruining your second (even though we are not married we say it anyway)