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Always thinking ahead

Crr18's picture

I guess it is because of past behavior that I let thinking ahead take up too much space in my mind. I am very much an ovethinker and assume what will happen. At my last job that is what always was bad in my review so I know I do it.  Also I always have one foot out the door.  Right now I am thinking about what happens when SD ages out and goes to college while SS is still under CS. SD is in 11th grade and BM has been taking her on college visits. Which I go back and forth with because SO is missing out on it but then if he was taking her on the visits then it would seem like he was willing to pay. But I am guessing BM will still boss SO around about SD because she will still be in contact about SS. I am talking about telling SO it is his turn to pick SD up college and SD needs this and that. SO and I have talked in-depth about this but I know he will cave because it will be he is doing it for SD. Does anyone else let the what ifs take up too much space in their heads, even though it is far away?


Yesterdays's picture

Yes definitely. When my ex and I updated our separation agreement I went to great lengths to define how post secondary would be split between us because I was worried about things like you are and I thought the more it was outlined, the better. I still worry about it in advance because I feel like there will still be issues with my ex... But I'm trying not to think about it too much. I guess I'll deal when the time comes. My ex and I often have disagreements about how to handle these sort of things. My kids are in grade 10 and 11.

Youre right that bio mom will still try to boss around SO with all the post secondary stuff as she likes to be in charge and SO doesn't always want to put the actual work in. I forget if they have a CO in place or is he still just making up what he pays her? Regardless, he'll be on the hook for some the postsecondary 

Harry's picture

Divorce papers and CO.  Will DH legal have to pay for college, at what %. Does he have say in college. State school vs private school.  If DH isn't going to pay for college , if BM can not take him back to court. He has little to say. 

'Do you really want SD, BM, DH  out playing happy family going on college  trips.  Are you going with them?  Spending time with the EX lover.  
I personally could not go on this type of trip. Sprnding time with the ex. Where stories of baby's first,,SD Second. That time , renrmber, when my you know . The time we drank too much and      I made a mistake marrying a woman with kids. This was before the internet, I thought I could handle it. I really couldn't. She got yo play with the ex with out kids. I couldn't get alone time with her unless I payed for babysitting etc,

Crr18's picture

There is no CO.  They only had something written up on what he would pay to her a month until the kids are 18 ir graduate High School. He isn't in the hook for anything after that. I don't want him going with BM on the trips and he won't  but I just feel bad he isn't able to take SD . 

ESMOD's picture

TBH.. this IS overthinking and I can see how he gets confused by your reactions.

He spent too much time/effort on SKIDS.. then too little.. he can't win in your mind.. or at least your mind is creating scenarios that aren't based in his reality..  I'm sure that his daughter and BM will be after him to pay for things in college.. that's a given I'm sure.

Rags's picture

during an upcoming SD visitation.  Just the two of them.  No BM.

This demonstrates some suport of DH in his STB  college dad phase, and it aces BM out of the trip.

Or, just give them a destination weekend and do not make it about colleges.


justmakingthebest's picture

On the flip side, going to a college visit and talking one on one about student loans, financial aid, scholarships and everything SHE will need to do for college is just good parenting. Explaining that he will be happy to help where he can and with what he can but the burden will fall mostly on her. 

Maybe she will change to a jr. or community college for the first 2 years to save money since she won't have the financial backing she thinks she will get. Sometimes kids just don't know and assume parents will cover it all. Unless the conversation is had, she doesn't know any better.

Felicity0224's picture

I agree with this. We met privately with my SDs a year prior to graduation and told them exactly what we would do for them and what we would expect in exchange. This didn't stop OSD from throwing an entitled fit when she asked for more than what we'd agreed to and we said no. But it was great to have that conversation (which I documented/recapped in writing immediately after) to refer back to when she started asking for more. YSD graduates in May, so we'll see how it goes with her.

But yeah, handling this directly with the kid (soon to be adult) is the best way to deal with it, if nothing specific is court ordered. And after that conversation has been had, maybe OP's husband can offer to take SD on some campus visits himself.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

You are overthinking and stressing because you don't trust your SO to make a good decision, whatever you consider a good decision to be. Is your concern the money? Is it the communication? Has your SO even addressed what he thinks should or will happen with college? Some parents do pay, or pay half, or help with housing. Is your concern that he won't make the decision himself, but will just follow what BM tells him to do? He needs to figure out within himself where he stands, talk with you about it, and only then talk with BM and SD. That's what an equity life partner (TM Rags) would do. I understand your stress. You desperately want your SO to be an equity life partner. You secretly feel he isn't and will never be. 

Crr18's picture

We have discussed the money situation and what he is willing to help SD with not help BM.  I worry that BM will continue the communication with SO about SD because SS will still be under 18. And with her continuing discussing SD it will lead to him doing stuff that isn't agreed upon with me. Like if SD needs to be picked up at college and brought home or if she needs more money for something. Since his kids don't communicate with him all of it will still go thru BM and that will frustrate me. 

Rags's picture

They begged him not to go to avoid being on the hook for 3more years of CS.  SpermLand CO rules end CS at 18yo or HS graduation whichever is the later.  Unless.... the kid is a full time student in good standing with their college/University. In which case.... full CS goes until the 21st B-day. Though after age 18/HS graduation CS goes directly to the SKid instead of tto he CP.  Direct payroll withholding continues in that case. acc

The SpermClan was all up in SS's ass begging him to not go to college and not making them continue to pay CS.  Though not his primary decision influence to go into the USAF instead of go the full time University route, I am sure it was part of why he avoided going directly to University. His mom and I would have paid for it all including dorm, meal plan, and a car. Though we would have made him keep the SpermClan on the hook for CS. Every penny of it, until the very end.

The pathetic POSs that they are, as soon as he reported for Basic they started guilting him to repay them for the CS paid on him for the 16+ years of the CS order and whine and cried for him to start direct payroll withholding to send them CS repayment each payday.  We raised a smart kid. He ignored that crap.

I wish he would have bared their asses and very publically and vocally told them to F-off.

He did end up giving them the message of how much of a collective POS they are when he flew to SpermLand to put Spermidiot against the wall by his throat when Spermidiot Spawn #3 was arrested for a gun violation when he was 16yo while trying to deliver on the Spermidiot's gangbanger wannabe fantasies.  While Spermidiot was spluttering, choking, and writhing on the wall with his feet banging around SS let Spermidiot know that if SS had to come back that Spermidiot would rue the day.

They have had a couple of brief visits since but always at SpermGrandHag's place with SGH, SpermGrandPa, and as may of the Spermidiot spawn as possible present.  Spermidiot will not be alone with SS-31.

Interestignly, SS and his younger sister (Spawn #2) detest the Spermidiot.  #3 and #4 who are full sibs worship the Spermidiot.  Only SS-31 was raised by a parent. He was raised by his incredible mom (my stunning brilliant bride).  Spawn#2, #3, and #4 were raised by SpermGrandHag in her and STP's home while she and SpermGrandPa paid Speridiot's CS on SS, #2, #3, and #4, the Spermidiot lived rent free in their rental property, and they gave him their hand me down vehicles.  

We are fortunate that SS escaped that cesspool of genetic shit.  He is a wonderful man of character and honor, a successful adult, and a man of standing in his profession and community.  #2 is a Dole Queen, #3 is in prison for an extended sentence on a class 1 felony conviction (armed burglary if I recall correctly), #4 is not far behind the inmate.

Lillywy00's picture

go back and forth with because SO is missing out on it but then if he was taking her on the visits then it would seem like he was willing to pay.

But I am guessing BM will still boss SO around about SD because she will still be in contact about SS

Correct and correct

Even when they split 50% and make the same salary, These lawaway plan breeders WILL fleece every dollar out of the ncp they can get 18 and beyond. Don't fool yourself into thinking these people arent money hungry and making the men do the fiscal work so they won't have to. 

On top of being pushy payment plan pr0stitut3s, they boss these dudes around even after divorcing them IF the dude has no backbone and allows his new household to be affected. I'd have one foot (no both feet) out the door too in this case. 

All the other stufff you mentioned could be debatable but at least you have an idea what the other bio parent is up to before she strikes 

Harry's picture

Discuss with DH. On a good carm day.  It's is DH Child. You knew he had children,,  He should help SD in her college adventure.  You two must decide how much are you willing, can afford to help, SD.  Also knowing there is a SS. Who will expect the same. When it's his college time.   There are many factors in this decision.  Relationship between DH and SD  her grades, 

'I can understand the ex BM thing. Can't having them play "Happy family". Going on college visits.  And that you dint want to spend time with the one DH made love with.   It's up to you two to do the right thing 

Crr18's picture

We have agreed on what he is willing and able to pay for both kids.  But I don't want him handing out money to BM to "help the kids". I also don't want him catering to her if the SD needs rides to/from school last minute on weekends to come home and by home I mean BMs house. Not that I don't want SO to ever drive her but I want it to be SD asking.He really has no relationship with SD at this point. He calls her every night but the conversation is blah. She never does anything with him even though he asks and she never stays with us anymore. SS doesn't want to stay either. Next weekend BM is taking SD on a college tour along with BMs fiancé. SS can't go because he has basketball tryouts. He didn't even want to stay he thought he could stay home alone. And SO doesn't want to go with BM on these tours. I just feel bad because he isn't part of it at all.  But he will be when they need money and rides. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

So you are afraid he will continue the pattern he currently has. He doesn't have a quality relationship with his kids but BM uses the kids to control him through money and assigning him errands.

You are right to be concerned. It doesn't end when they turn 18. It doesn't ever end unless the guy wants it to end. It's about self-respect and boundaries, and you can't "beat" that into a biodad who is being controlled by a manipulative BM. I've tried (I don't mean physically.) I've lived with the constant anxiety of wondering when the other shoe will drop, if i relax for just a moment, will he "slip?"

It's a type of codependency. You are so focused on someone else's behavior. It affects you as much as your own does, so you try to control it as if it were your own. An SO who is under the control of BM or skids to the point that it is affecting your relationship is similar to one who is under the control of alcohol or drugs. You can tell them what you believe to be the problem, but unless they want to change, they won't. I've been married to an alcoholic (bad like with blackouts) and engaged to a guy with 2 dysfunctional BMs. Idk which is worse, but i realize my part in both relationships is similar. 

Rags's picture

their SO's ability to be the beck and call bitch for their X and their kids.  Keep the marital relationship fully consumed with activties, standards of behavior, standards of performance and .... get control of the marital income regardless of who in the marriage earns it.

My income is not mine. It is ours. DW's income is not hers, it is ours.

The penchant that so may SParents seem to have to classify the income of their mate as their mate's income is iMHO part of why so many second/subsequent marriages fail.  

IMHO, CS is the only thing a NCP pays unless there are specific stipulated support elements in a CO.  It is imperative that the parent subject to a CO and paying CS plants that flag and that it is on a hill to die on.  If the prior breeder in the blended marriage will not to this, then it is even more imperative for the non breeder mate in the marriage to lock the finances down tight.

After the SKids age out from under the CO, the couple can discuss what if any additional support/help for the Skids may be forthcoming.  However, both mates have an absolute Veto right that cannot be overturned except by the one who Vetos.

I know, a rather old fashioned marital resources perspective, but.... IMHO it is an optimal way to shut down a guilt parenting mate and their entitlement succubus/incubus X and kids. If that is the case with the mate, their X and the kids.

I love the Text notification settings on financial accounts. Every expenditure from that account goes in an SMS to the holders of the accounts.  In a blended marriage with the usual troublesome situations, I would demand that all accounts are joint and notifications are sent for every Cent of expenditures.

For DW and I there are no financial secrets.  We both share what be spend openly with the other. With one minor exception. I do not tell DW when I have found a perfect gift for her that I want her to have. She finds out when she receives it.  Though if I purchase it far enough in advance that she will see it in our records before I give it to her, I tell her. Don't look at the accounts until X-Date please.    She gives me a playful look of confusion.  Though over time this model has evolved to me asking her to not dig in on a specific charge.  Though most of the time she wouldn't be able to find what I bought, only what I spent.  


In the case of college for a shit spawn, nope. Even if it is in a CO, I would make it absolutely lock tight and extremely structured in how it was paid. Not one cent to the X no matter what.  Direct payment to the place providing the service for the college spawn.  No cash to the Spawn.  Tuition would not be paid until the end of the semester when the kid provided proof of passing grades.  The kid can take out a school loan and pay for the semester up front. I would pay off the loan directly with the lender at the end of the successfully completed semester.  I would not give cash for food either. I would pre-pay a meal plan at the campus food service provider for the semester. No pass, no eat after the end of that semester.

So may parents think that college is a growing experience for kids where they learn and experience, etc.. And it is, however, the growing and experience of learning what they want out of life is NOT the parental focus of providing a kid with the pursuit of a college education. The goal is to get that kid graduated with a marketable degree.

If I was paying, the kid would have a very limited choice of degree options (STEM, Business, Acctg, finance) and maybe something else but only with my prior approval.  I would pay for a dorm and a meal plan.  Not for appartments with friends, etc.   Beyond tuition, room, and board, I might provide a reasonable but limited fixed monthly allowance. How the kid spends it is up to them but if htey blow it and something happens that they need money for prior to the next months allowance infusion... tuff shit kid-oh.

I learned these lessons myself.  It helped me learn how to improve my decisioning and how to solve problems when they would arrise.

Fortunately, truly shit children and toxic Xs are not the norm.  At least not for most.



Winterglow's picture

And this is why I have maintained my professional account even though I don't need to. 

Yes 3

Rumplestiltskin's picture

College is too expensive these days to be a "growing experience!" Unless you have a trust fund and "fk-you money!" My son got a scholarship that covers tuition but not fees, and the fees are a lot. My dad helps him with room and board, and I tell him every chance i get how lucky he is to have this. I tell him this is his chance and don't fk it up. He's 22 and on track to graduate in May with his undergrad but will need a master's for his field. He's on the short list for a scholarship for that. As long as he progresses, i will help him, and so will my dad. My other kid is unsure of their plans but i told them the plan for support is the same. Screw around and they are on their own but if they progress, this help is an investment in their future. The goal is for them to be totally off the payroll with degrees that translate into jobs that make better than average money by early/mid 20s. These days you can't do much except military with only high-school, and both of mine have disqualifying health conditions. That's a shame, too, since my younger would do great in the military. 

Rags's picture

We had a similar plan for SS but he was self aware enough to recognize that he was not ready.  He saved us a ton of money and a ton of angst by enlisting. He is progressing, though slowly, in completing his Bachelors.  He is abit more than halfway there. He is earning it for himself.

My brother, my exremely successful little brother, is a bit more than a semester away from a huge raise when his youngest graduates with his BS-Eng in May.  This one is out in 4yrs which is certainly better than his uncle (me at 11yrs) his dad (at 5yrs).  My brother's eldest took 6 years and three schools to graduate but she is kicking ass in her career.  So not a wasted investment by any means.  His middle was out in 4 with an 80% scholarship though at the mose expensive university in the US so my brother did sink a boadload of cash into that degree.  My brother and I discussed it a couple of weeks ago. For his 3 to get out with undergrad degrees, he will have invested $500K through May of 24.  

I figure SS let his mom and I off of the hook for about $200K-ish.

Mine, due to the 11yr plan, sunk about $300k over all. Mom an dad covered ~$85K between my first two years and my last two years. I paid about $215K over the middle 7 years.  Though I wills say that it has been a great foundation for my fairly successful career. I do far better than most but not as well as some.

Yesterdays's picture

I would talk to him about this. Either he gets it or he's doesn't. If you don't talk you'll never know what he thinks and you'll continue to assume he'll do the worst... And you'll have stess over it.