Wife jealous of stepson
Hi,
I have been married for over 8 years now. I married a girl who had 2 children, I had one at the time. My son was 5. Her's were 4 and 6. I have joint custody of my son but raised him the majority of the time. My son and I were always together. My current wife was living with her parents for 4 years by the time we were married. I do love her but she hates that I put the needs of my son before her needs and, unconsciousely takes it out on my son and I. Within months of our marriage I couldn't leave my son alone with her. He would cry when I would come to pick him up from his mom's and finally, in the last 2 years, with his mom's help transferred all the custody to his mom and rarely comes over now. Just recently in the last 2 weeks he has been staying the night and my current wife's jealous nature over my son is returning. I feel bad for my son. His life seems to have gone downhill since my marriage. His grades in school are barely passing, and now that he is in High School he is grouping with strange friends. My wife's kid's on the other hand are flourishing in sports and grades and will both be in a private High school next year (which I pay for. Their dad doesn't pay child support and their mom works part time). My son is failing and will probaly be on drugs. I see him everyday but he still carries anger deep inside of him. Just a few days ago my son asked me if we could go see a movie together. I was supposed to go to my wife's neice's daughter's christening. I told my son yes but we had to go to the christening first. No problem he said. My wife has been angry for 2 days now that I missed the party afterwords. Even though I showed up there for the last 2 hours of the party. She says I put his needs over hers. Why do I have to choose between my son and her? We have seen many counselors who always agree with me. But she doesn't believe them. I probably would have divorced her except she and I have a daughter now and would hate for her, her kids, and my son to go through another divorce. I do love her and I know she thinks she is doing the right thing. Any advice?
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why?
Why is she so jealous of your son? Do you ignore her when he is there? Do you ALL do things together as a family or is she left out? I just have to wonder what her opinion is.
Dawn
jealous mom
Hi
Thanks for responding. We started out trying to do all things together. There never is a problem doing things together. We still go on a family trip once a year down to florida. It's when my son was alone with her that there would be a problem. Or when an issue would come up putting her family against My son. He would never win.
I think she is a jealous person. She hates that I would try to help out my parents, she is very unhappy when I hire a female at my work place. My son comes before her and she realizes that. I understand in a normal relationship the parents are # 1. But in a blended family I can't go against my own son when I know she is wrong. I did that in the very beginning but it never ended and he was withdrawing more and more. I don't ignore her but there is another person (that's not related to Her) that also wants my attention. She will have no problem when I help her kids but has a limit with my son.
Perhaps this isn't about you or your son
Perhaps this is your spouse's issue that may have more to do with how she feels about herself than about your relationship with your son. It could even be a concern for her just because your son is a reminder of your past relationship (doesn't make the behaviour easy to deal with but might explain it). It is so hard to say why...she is the only person who could explain this and she obviously doesn't see this as a problem. Unfortunately, I don't think that this scenario is uncommon. I know that there were times that I found that my husbands kids did things or said things that reminded me so much of his ex and it was annoying. Very least, they are from her. I neglected to focus on the fact that they were part of him...I would dwell on the fact that they were her...a part of a life that I did not have with him. My husband had issues with my daughter...not sure why. Hindsight...a great teacher but the learning sometimes comes too late! One of the things that we learned in our couples course that we completed is to affirm each other often...that is particularly important to a woman...doing little meaningful things. You should never have to choose between your son and your spouse. Both offer different elements that are crucial to your happiness and both have different needs from you. Good luck with this....I know that it isn't an easy situation.
I'm a stepmom too, I too use
I'm a stepmom too, I too use to be jealous of time my husband spends w/his son. It all stems from the no relationship w/my stepson and I, I believe his mother has turned him against me when he was 3 yrs old (when I met my husband), he is now 10 yrs. old. I didn't have a good relationship w/stepson, I wouldn't speak to him because of his bad attitude towards me, I never did anything bad to him, he acted that way because what his mother tells him about me. So for years I couldn't stand the sight of the child being in my household because he would ignore & avoid me totally. I too use to yell at my husband because of that. I made the decision to get along and talk, play w/stepson no matter what his mother feeds his brain about me. We developed a trusted relationship w/each other and now things are great. We do family stuff together when we have him, every other weekend and Wednesdays. So my advice to you is to sit your wife down and acknowledge that she is angry with the whole situation, that you love her and your son, that you want to work things out for the best to keep everyone in your life. Ask her if she would consider starting over, start a relationship w/stepson just her and child to go out together and reassure each other that they both care about each other and go forward positively and no more dwelling in the past. After that develops then family should do things together once a week. It will take time for the relationship to calm down, be patience and believe me, love and caring for each other will be rewarding. Hope everything goes well.
-happy mom
She sounds very insecure and
She sounds very insecure and that might not have a thing to do with anything you or your son have done, it could just be a part of her personality. She could be insecure about a million other things and it just manifests itself this way. It could be the simple fact that you had a child with someone else prior to your marriage to her. It's not terribly rational, but where matters of the heart are concerned, sometimes it's hard to be rational. Of course you have to make your son a priority, especially if he's having some problems. You need to be his advocate and you need to help him get his life straight now so that he can take care of himself in the future. But you can make your wife a priority, too, at the same time.
I've got to hand it to my husband, he has always done an excellent job striking a balance between me, our children and his children from his previous marriage. It wasn't about time, either. I mean, we could be doing something together as a family or focusing on an issue with his other kids and, right in the middle of it, he will look me right square in the eye and say, "Ya know, I really love you. I couldn't do this without you." That really means a lot to me. Maybe your wife needs more reassurance, maybe she needs you to just keep reinforcing to her that the heart has an infinite capacity for love and that loving your son doesn't mean you have any less love for her. You can spend two hours helping your son with his homework, for example, but if you take a ten-minute break during that time to give her a hug and let her know you love her, it might give her some of that reassurance that she seems to need.
I do think the marriage has to be equally as important as the kids, because kids do need to grow up and move on and your spouse is who you are left with when the kids are gone. You have to nurture that relationship with your wife. Your wife has to accept that your child deserves the best father that you can be to him and your son has to have faith that you will be there for him. She has to know that you can be a husband to her AND a father to ALL of the kids, that there is enough of you to go around. If your son is struggling, then you can't NOT be his safe haven. He needs you for guidance and that has to take a priority, especially at this age and if he is struggling. You have to take care of your son, but you also have to make it a point to focus some intense emotion on your wife on a regular basis, too. You should point out to her that one of the reasons she loves you is because you are a great father and you wouldn't be the great father that she loves if you're not there to support your son. Hard to argue with that logic.
~ Anne ~
Extremely well said!
Extremely well said...your husband sounds like a very wise and compassionate person that knows just how to make a difference for everyone important in his life. That is awesome! The points that you made are exactly the kinds of information shared in our recent course and it was very meaningful!
Dear Anne, I came to the
Dear Anne,
I came to the forum not knowing why I have this "not so good feeling" but you and your wise husband have been and eye opener. I guess I just need reassurance from my husband and feeling that what I do as a SM is important