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One time????

CrazyCatStepmom's picture

So we have some rules set in stone for SD9. If she breaks said rules she knows she will be disciplined. Tonight she broke one of her rules and my wife wanted me to discipline SD with a spanking. (Mind you I haven’t been doing any spanking since I was given advice about 4 or 5 months ago to let discipline be handled by SD mother, not me). I told SD to call her mom at work and tell her that she had broken the rules and my wife on the other side of the phone was SO calm and cool. Instead of giving her any type of lecture or corrections for breaking the rules all she said was (with the sweetest voice) “it’s okay just get your one little spanking and go to bed I will see you in the morning I love you!!” At this point I’m aggravated. My wife then proceeds to text me “how many times are you going to spank her? Just do 1 spank”. Ummmmmm don’t get me wrong I don’t believe in beating a child or spanking them an obscene amount of times but ONE spank???? My SD isn’t a toddler.... and that’s just not how I was raised. So instead of spanking SD I told her to go to bed and let her mom handle it in the morning. But now it all makes sense why my SD doesn’t listen to me or follow rules. If I was 9 years old and knew that I was only getting ONE pop I would do whatever the f$$$ I wanted. Now my wife is upset with me for not spanking her and telling her to deal with it. I’m so over this. 


ndc's picture

I think your wife is being ridiculous.  Not in limiting you to one smack, but in expecting you to spank her child at all.  Personally, I'm not a fan of spanking, mostly because I don't think it's effective.  When I was a kid, I would much rather take a spanking and be done with it than lose toys or privileges or get grounded.  It was over quickly and if it's not abusive, a spanking doesn't hurt much.  However, if someone else wants to spank their own kids and they're not abusive about it, I have no problem with it.  As a stepparent, though, I would never be comfortable spanking the skids, even if I thought it was an effective punishment.  They're not my kids.  It's one thing for a parent to spank his or her own child; it's quite another for someone else to do so.  I wouldn't want to take the risk that SD would tell someone else you were hitting her, or that BD would get upset that you were spanking her.  It's just not worth it.  It's probably not good for your relationship with the skid, either, especially in light of what your wife said to the child.  It makes YOU seem like the bad one while she's the one saying "It's OK, just go get your little spanking."  If your wife wants her child spanked, let her do it herself.  Surely you can come up with another punishment that would be more appropriate for a non-parent to impose.  

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

No. Don’t touch that kid. What is wrong with you and your wife? She needs to handle the discipline issue tomorrow instead of swooping in like a guardian angel to soothe the tears. 

Email your wife immediately and tell her you are not comfortable disciplining SD, especially corporal punishment. As such, you will be leaving all disciplinary issues to her. CYA, my dude.

TwelveLongYrs79's picture

I don’t care if DW says it’s ok, a 9 year old is old enough to be punished otherwise: taking away toys, electronics, sent to bed early. In addition it should be her to hand out such discipline, not you. She’ll just grow more resentment towards you and that will come back to kick you in the butt when she’s older -no pun intended. 

fourbrats's picture

who agree with spanking, nine is too old for it to be an effective punishment (spanking is most effective for younger kids if used at all). Personally I am against spanking unless it is used as a last result or is discipline for a dangerous offense. There are plenty of other punishments that work better for that age like taking away privileges or activities. And you don't need to spank. If you need something immediate, have her stand in the corner. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

This. We use spanking... On the 6 year old... But even that is phasing out as she cares about other things. There are WAY more effective ways to punish a kid for bieng bad! I can guarantee that spanking absolutely would NOT work on SD10.  You have to play the long game with kids.

Loss of privleges or things they love is FAR more effective (especially on a 9 year old) than spanking! Especially one lame half a$$ed punishment of a spanking.

NOTE: I'm raising the skids full time. I truly love them and am rasiging them as my own. I avoiding spanking like the plague. Not my cup of tea. Doesn't seem very effective. Also I'm more careful than DH when it comes to possible future court issues. Becuase Psycho.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Your wife is setting you up to be the "bad mom" who doles out punishment and she gets to be the "good mom" who makes everything better. That is a bad dynamic. Unless it is something that needs an immediate correction, bio-mom should be doing all discipline.

Never, ever, physically discipline a child who is not yours. It opens you up to way too much liability.

shamds's picture

Her daughter, palms it off to you and is now pissed off with you? No wonder you are upset and frustrated, i would be too.

any issues withh skids, i don’t care if my husband is with his ceo or a govt minister or some corruption commission being interrogated for work issues by other staff, he gets a message of said issue and address it. Ss doesn’t come to daddy saying he’s stressed and has imaginary stress syndrome because dad told him off from work. 

If hubby dares to tell me to be patient (we’ve been married just over 4 years, thats patient enough) and to be honest this shouldn’t have been happening in the first place, i tell hubby right i’m booking a ticket for me and our kids to my country on your credit card until you find your balls...

now my husband is very macho and it insults his macho egoness when i say that and forces him to really address the issues. I do give some tips on how to address the answering back and help hubby overcome the disney daddy guilt parenting stuff which hubby has gotten better at but he’s been this way the past 24 years, so it will take time to address.

if ss emotionally abuses us and enjoys it and justifies it to hubby when i tell hubby to address it and hubby tells me to be patient, i tell him i want a divorce as i am no longer being interested in staying married to him and exposing our 2 kids to this toxic patheticness and stupidity. The fact bio mum of skids is batshit crazy and sees with doctors for black magic and brainwashed her daughters with this that its normal and i have screenshots of these messages further gives me ammo to the courts that skids can’t be alone with my kids and shoudln’t be around them period because they cannot be trusted

your issue here is your wife, she has no right to get angry at you, this is her child, this is her responsibility to address and she doesn’t confuse her kid with go to stepdad for your spank and mummy loves you i’ll see you later because it teaches this kid she gets no repercussions. 

Suggest to wife she confiscates things of importance from sd until she earns the right back, she can do chores at home to earn her privileges back, she is at a perfect age to be doing this

Monkeysee's picture

Your wife was way out of line. I would never spank my SS's, even if my DH told me to.  I don't think spanking is an effective punishment as it is, but especially when it comes to skids. You did the right thing in not doing it, but the issue of 'only one spank' isn't the issue at all... it's the fact that your wife both expected *you* to do it, AND she gets to walk in like the good mommy who saves the day.

This is her child, she doesn't get to be the 'good mommy'. She gets to be the disciplinarian who holds her kid accountable for her actions. Your wife needs to quit being a crap parent who's putting her spouse at risk of a CPS investigation if that 'one little spank' were ever to be reported. No thanks...

thinkthrice's picture

spanking, done properly, i.e.used as a last resort, not as a means to lash out at every turn, is very effective.

However, I would never touch someone else's kid as you're asking for a visit from CPS.  "Bioparent said I could" holds NO water with them. 

As much as Chef's ferals badly needed structure and discipline, I refrained for the most part because caring more than the bioparents will always blow up in your face; with the rare exception of a BM who realizes her own kids need discipline and agrees with step parent that this is so.

justmakingthebest's picture

Yeah... Like everyone else said- DO NOT LAY A HAND ON THE CHILD. You aren't the bio parent. That is such a slippery slope, even of both parents told me to, I would never spank a step. 

I was a "mild spanker" when my kids were small, under the age of 5. It was for serious stuff. Like darting out in a parking lot. A 2-3 yr old who takes off in a parking lot, jerking out of my hand would get a pop. It was a sharp and immediate consequence for a toddler. The whole spanking of a 9 yr old is not a good parenting choice, it is lazy. It is ineffective. The fact that your wife then down plays it to "take your one little spank" is just asinine. 

I am  not going to lie, I have had to look up articles on "creative punishments for age ___".  It isn't easy coming up with the right discipline for the right kid. Not everyone is the same. My son is one that I can look at and tell him that I am disappointed in him and say something like, you need to go in the other room. You (for example) lying to me means that I can't trust you, and right now that means I don't want to look at you. ---- That will literally turn my 13 yr old kid who is bigger than me into a blubbering mess. "Disappointing" a parent is the worst thing ever to him. I don't even have to ground him. He is easy. My daughter on the other hand... she is more challenging! Guilt doesn't faze her, cleaning is something she does for fun, grounding isn't really effective,  so for her I will take away clothes and makeup and shoes. She will go down to a couple of basic t--shirts and jeans and sneakers. For a preteen girl like her, that is a jail sentence. LOL 


Siemprematahari's picture

I can understand your fustration in this and perhaps you need to have a serious talk with her and tell her that you will leave ALL disciplining to her. It doesn't make sense for it to be done and than smooth it over like its ok now you can just "go to bed". This child doesn't have a good understanding of consequences and it should come from her mother.

CLove's picture

On the spanking. For the reasons you see here. Not your child. Not your circus.

I get to be the "fun parent", because I will not dole out discipline. That is the parents JOB.