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Shocking selfishness

Cover1W's picture

Yeah, so DH complaint today was that YSD, now 14, didn't jump on the choice to spend Sunday with dad to celebrate her turning 14. I shouldn't have commented....but I said that well, you gave her a choice, you cannot be mad that she made a choice.

Then it was well she should know better. I said, why? Both SDs have always been able to make their own choices, which in kids is self-serving. They're not taught otherwise. So why would they make a choice that isn't what they want, but may be better for all?

That was it. The 'they haven't been taught.'  Now I have been told again, "You think I am a bad parent, sorry I don't think kids need to be corrected and taught these things, they should know better." Then to "You really think that I am not a good parent don't you....etc etc." I said yes. You get to deal with the outcome here don't you?

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thinkthrice's picture

When these non-parents have children that they don't train and use the excuse for not parenting  "they're just kiiiiiiiiddddds!"

Then when they get older and are completely feral, the same non-parents say "well it's too late for them to learn anything different now."

 

ITB2012's picture

I hate these circular conversations. He's looking for someone to validate him, almost forcing validation, then when he doesn't get it he's upset. He did it to himself. Then he gets defensive when you say something and goes too far ("I'm a bad parent"). And he wants validation ("Oh, no you're so sweet and good with the kids. They should know better.") And you've validated him and mirrored what he said. BUT, then he has a target for his feelings since now you think they are bad, but they can't be bad, because he's enmeshed with them and dependent on their opinion of him so if they are bad you're saying he's bad. And just just said he's good, so what the hell? Now you're getting complained/yelled at because you don't think he's a good parent and you don't like kids ("but they do x, y, z so you should give them a pass on a"). 

And you're sitting there covered in emotional shit. He threw his own shit at his own fan but dragged you in front to take the hit for him.

Cover1W's picture

Oh, I am aware and feel zero remorse.  If he wants to actually DISCUSS it I'm all for it.  If not, it's all on him.  And a reminder to myself to NOT say ANYTHING.

Dash 1

advice.only2's picture

The man brain can't comprehend that children are not born pre-programmed.  I stopped having conversations about this with my DH because he could not grasp that he was not the end all be all of his Spawn.  Reality slapped him upside the face when Spawn walked away from him and didn't want anything to do with him. 

hereiam's picture

He doesn't think they should be taught these things? What, exactly, does he think a parent's job is?

Justthesecondwife's picture

Your DH, like so many, just cannot grasp the concept of parenting. The idea that a child must be taught. Then they get hurt or upset when the skid does exactly what they have been taught to do - nothing.

Would your DH expect your skid to know how to read, or do math, if they hadn't been to school or had anyone teach them? Does he think those things are just ingrained upon birth? Why would he think manners, care for others etc be any different?

It does tend to bite them in the behind. My DH never taught skids to do anything for anyone else, it was all about them and what others should and did do for them. He didn't teach them to respect him, so they don't. And he just doesn't get why. I've done as you did and told him straight out, that he chose not to parent or teach his kids, so why would he expect them to suddenly become the opposite of the entitled people he brought them up to be?

My DH said he didn't think he needed to teach the skids not to lie, not to run to BM with private information about our family, not to steal, not to manipulate. He said he thought they would just know this was wrong. Um, sorry DH, but that's not how it works.

Now these DH's have to live with the "angels" who they raised. It's like anything in life, you don't put the effort in, you don't get the outcome you want.

Cover1W's picture

DH spoke with BM and YSD is coming after all. I suggested dinner out so there's no cooking/cleanup and the place we are going has one of her favorite things so she won't complain there's nothing on the menu.

DH actually asked me if I would go withbthem instead of assuming.

I'll go and keep my mouth shut!

Cover1W's picture

So I was at the neighbors house when they got home, walked over to DH dragging himself out of the car, YSD no where to be seen.  Said "Hi DH! - guess what I talked with the great yard guy and he gave us a great price on...." this is when I noticed him rubbing his face like I was giving him the third degree and he looked exhausted.  "Um, you ok?  I can talk with you about this later today or tomorrow...?"  Yes, that's better.  He trudges into the house.

SOMETHING happened...anyway, she's been here for 1.5 hours and I still haven't seen her.  We're going out to a nicer restaurant than originally planned because HE wants to go there.  Ok then.  I can have a lovely drink there.  Bwahahahaha.

I also bought nice fruit pie and the store for dessert.  We'll see if she eats any when she finds out I bought it.

Cover1W's picture

Soooooo we ended up at the original restaurant because DH didn't make reservations at the other one (it's small and res is needed almost every time).  So no fancy drink for me.  YSD got the same.old.thing.again after fake paging through the menu over and over again. I had a super good dinner, yum!  DH wasn't too happy with his, but he wasn't paying attention to anything but YSD.  Not my prob.

I didn't offer any of mine to YSD to taste beause I KNEW she hadn't washed her hands since she'd used the bathroom several times.  Nope, I cannot correct her because then I'm too strict you know, even now with the damn information about COVID out there.  And I work in a healthcare setting - but I cannot know or tell anyone the best way do to anything can I...

YSD did eat the pie.  Apparently it's one of three pie flavors she likes. 

DH went a bit over-board in the gifts as usual.  I gave her a card and some cash and was done.