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Please and Thank You

Cover1W's picture

My SDs have always, always had problems with saying please and thank you...politeness in general. I told DH this was an issue very early on back when they were 7 and 9, when I first met them. They just had things handed to them with no 'thanks' needed. No matter what it was - whatever they got was expected. It's starting JUST NOW to bother DH (YSD is 14.5 and with us 50/50, OSD is PAS'd out now for years and she's 16.5). 

DH has started talking about this with YSD.

This weekend, as I was making dinner for myself (DH was out), YSD texted me - an astonishing feat in itself to see if I could send her a recipe that she really likes so she could make it at BMs.  No please, but it was phrased ok. So I stopped what I was doing, found it, sent it to her....and nothing.

I told DH that I am going to discuss basic politeness and saying thank you to people even if she doesn't think it's a big deal. I stopped what I was doing to help her. Period. That requires a thank you, some recognition of my time and help. And if she does it again I will stop helping. (I actually did this with OSD who would call me and 'demand' a ride somewhere - I always refused unless she was polite about it - she hung up on me once...oh well, that ride wasn't needed was it?)

DH agreed AND agreed to let me address it WITHOUT him. No second guessing or undermining me.

So we'll see how it goes tonight.


advice.only2's picture

That's great, fingers crossed when you do actually address it with her he backs you up and doesn't come in behind you with some comment like "But don't worry snookums, daddy knows you mean please and thank you when you text me stuff, I don't need you to say the actual words to ME!"

Cover1W's picture

I do think he's in total agreement with me on this. He's the one that's been calling her out on her rudeness to him and to other people this summer - week on/off has really helped him see her regular behavior so that's been really good. And he's been actually listening to me. I can't push too much on him at once, but if I take it by incident then he's generally ok.  He's been much better, not perfect by any means, but much better this year than ever before - he's just kind of sick of going along with it for BM and SDs.

ITB2012's picture

are a bit late to instill this set of manners. Teens who don't already do it and are in that awful attitude phase will just make this lesson so much harder on everyone. It's also pretty ingrained by then and random bouts of manners aren't going to change things much.

Cover1W's picture

True thatl I care about is setting my expectations and consequences so it's crystal clear to her. 

CLove's picture

it seems to have escaped this generation that politeness is actually a GOOD thing and the rewards for this GOOD thing are More GOOD things.

SD14, she sais please and thank you's but they are rare and take a few days...

Lately she has been bugging me with her requests and expectations without having to work for these items, so its an issue for me.

MissK03's picture

Good luck! 

SD13 and SS15 are pretty good with please and thank yous. I stopped doing anything extra for SS17. I occasionally have to pick him at work but, that's for my SO. If SS17 is working late on a night SO has to go to bed early for work (he gets up at 3am some days) I pick him up.

SS17 doesn't grasp the "treat others the way you want to be treated" So I just stopped doing stuff for him. He has pretty much stopped asking me too. It's been like this for awhile now. He wil bring it up though saying "I don't do anything for him but I do for SD and SS15) WELLLLLL..... why do you think that is?? When you treat people like shit don't be surprised to get treated like shit back??! Poor me game. I don't buy into anymore. 

ITB2012's picture

on the skids about a year and a half ago. I didn't know this. She mentioned it now when she and I were discussing OSSs lack of communication with DH (which has also been going on a while). My mother said that after she didn't get a thank you from the skids, not a thank you card (I think she's asking a lot here) or even an in-person thank you when the topic of presents came up, that she was done. She doesn't even do a card. She's pissed and decided to disengage.

Cover1W's picture

Well that went easily.

Me:  "YSD, I want to ask you about something, did you get that text with the recipe?"

YSD:  "Yes!"

Me:  "Ok good, you know, I didn't know you got it, you need to..."

YSD: "I forgot to text you back!  I'm sorry!"

Me:  "Yes, please remember to make sure to say thank you and acknowledge someone's help, even if it's minor. Otherwise, they may not want to help much."

....YSD accepts this and then talks about how she made it and asks how I did it because mine was better - but she did get it.  So I'll be watching for the next time.

And DH kept his mouth shut the entire time!