Meeting Requested

So, DH let me know last night that BM and SD15 asked he and I to go to BMs for dinner this coming weekend.

Without freaking out, I let DH talk first.

My reaction - after hearing DH out, I agree to meet but I have some ideas of my own, as a SM and in an immediate disadvantage. I don't think that DH would accept my not going at all (as his wife and partner). I told him I thought it is between he, SD and BM at this point since SD hasn't even spoken to him since the fall, and only then to berate him. He knows my feelings. So I'll do this with reservations, as we all know how well these things go.

* I will not agree to the meeting place at BMs. A neutral restaurant is better. DH agreed to this.

* I cannot meet on the day they want to because I have things I need to do and already have planned that day. This was DH's thought, good on him!

The rest of these I told DH. He doesn't love it, but I reminded him how badly the last meeting went. And that I agree that it would be great if it goes super well, hopefully it does! But if not, I need to be realistic. So:

* I will not engage unless a question is directed at me. I will be polite and that's it.

* If accusations are thrown at DH I will not answer, but if accusations are thrown at me, I will answer very clearly and leave. I will not stay for a bash-session.

* I will not tolerate any "directives" given as to what SD may or may not want in exchange for her presense. I will not allow any "rules" to be made in our home by a teenager or BM.

DH emailed BM back with the first two bullet points and is waiting to hear the decision....

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I don't know your background,

I don't know your background, what's the point of the meeting?

To try to work out someway for SD15 to start visiting again?

You can read my blogs and I

You can read my blogs and I have two strings in Teenagers forums about OSDs refusal to come to our home and PAS issues. It's a loooong story; basically classic PAS. So my assumption is that BM and OSD are going to set "terms" that DH and I will have to adhere to in order for DH to regain some relationship with OSD.

Oh yes, don't forget that DH has invited her to go on a trip to Europe with us (for 10 days!) and already bought plane tickets. Without any contact but for his one meeting with her in the fall that went badly. So I'm also assuming this has something to do with that. And no, I didn't support THAT idea either.

I am very confused by the

I am very confused by the request for a meeting with BM and SD. I would think that if a meeting needed to be had as coparents to figure out how to handle this teenager, SD would not need to be there. Just keep telling yourself- we do not negotiate with terrorists.

I am very glad that you were able to discuss your concerns and your DH hear them out. I hope the meeting goes well and is productive in your DH's relationship with his daughter.

Yes, I told DH outright that

Yes, I told DH outright that I think the meeting should be with only BM, OSD and himself at this point. But I'm assuming something has to do with me (the upcoming trip? how I run and expect my house to be cared for? my refusing to cook especially for her?)...

The good thing is he's getting used to my very clear boundaries and reasons for them. We can talk about it and get frustrated but there's been little anger over it.

Oh no. Hell no. You

Oh no. Hell no. You absolutely should not go, and DH shouldn't either.

SD15 can put on her big girl pants and express her concerns directly to DH, OR, she can get a therapist that can work with her to talk to DH.

DO NOT GO. IT'S A TRAP.

My thoughts exactly,

I'd tell DH to go ahead and

I'd tell DH to go ahead and divorce me, but I ain't going (but he'd never insist I do, and he'd laugh in BM's face and tell her to shove off).

This is what I told DH, in

This is what I told DH, in different words, but same thing. I feel like I'm going solely as support of DH - I have no parenting ability or cause for OSD and I will not engage nor will I put up with B.S. I'm well practiced in this.

You refer to

You refer to a prior meeting that did not go well. Why would you do it again? Besides, I am not wild about being "summoned." If someone is paying me to work for them or has some sort of legal authority over me then they can tell me I need to be at a certain place at a certain time to discuss their agenda. Otherwise, I am going to need more information about what is going on before I decide whether or not to attend a gathering.

The other meeting was only

The other meeting was only with DH, OSD and a "intermediary" determined by BM. It did not go well for DH.

"Meeting Requested" -- DENIED

"Meeting Requested" -- DENIED!

If you're going to go through

If you're going to go through this, take two separate vehicles and make DH pay if you have separate finances. If you don't have separate finances, take cash so You can leave it with the waiter before You duck out if you need to in a hurry. You and DH should show up early so that you can pick out the seat and sit in such a way that makes you comfortable.

If you do feel the need to leave, state specifically why you are leaving:

"Thank you for the invitation, but I refuse to sit and be berated. Good night."

Try to sit near the door so you have a quick exit. Don't drink so that you can drive. Have a bottle of wine or whatever poison you prefer at home, chilled and ready to go when you get back. I'd also pick out a good book and bubble bath so you have something to look forward to at home (or, if you're more a destructive person, a sledgehammer and something breakable).

I'll hope for the best for you.

I think I have to - however,

I think I have to - however, I've made my requirements clear to DH. He wasn't happy but he will support my boundaries.

IF BM and OSD agree to a restaurant DH will 100% be paying for me. If they don't agree to public place, I will not go.

We only have one car but I can for sure get a Lyft car to get out of there. DH knows I will leave. And yes, your statement was what I basically have planned to say if it gets to that.

Why do you feel you have to

Why do you feel you have to do it?

After discussion with DH, I

After discussion with DH, I think that it's the right choice, with my caveats.

I'd take the car and let DH

I'd take the car and let DH get a Lyft, or he can go home with you. Either way, you drive so you can escape.

Good decision.

Cover - I am SOO curious to

Cover - I am SOO curious to this whole thing. Please please please let us know what happens. I'm speaking as someone in your shoes currently (SD starting to come back around but only to start the pity part).

Please keep us updated

Nope. Absolutely not.

I'm going to ask DH tonight

I'm going to ask DH tonight if he knows why they are asking - what is the meeting about?

That is my only unanswered question and I do think that it's a vaild one.

DH told me last night, when

DH told me last night, when he brought up the "meeting" - "So, DH, did BM say what they wanted to discuss?" DH, "Well, I think it's just to help heal things and get everything back to a normal state again." Me, "But she didn't say what it was about?" DH, "There's no agenda there...just getting things back."

So I think BM just requested the meeting - she's not known for her communication ability. DH is assuming what it will be. He hadn't yet requested a venue change, he was to do it last night. He knows I won't go if it's at BM's home.

With BMs like her, it is

With BMs like her, it is never good to ASSume.

....I'm starting to wonder if

....I'm starting to wonder if he DOES know what it is but he doesn't want to tell me...investigation required.

This is Thursday

This is Thursday and he is running out of time to change the venue and get your questions answered. Do you think he is trying to run out the clock and pull an "it is too late to make changes now - we have to just go to BM's house and hope for the best?"

Well it's now Friday and

Well it's now Friday and still DH hasn't said anything. I don't think he does this intentionally as he has a hard time getting things organized for other reasons. But I will hold my ground on not meeting at BM's home.

You are a more patient and

You are a more patient and supportive person than I am. I've told DH multiple times that based on BM's past behavior and insistence that she is always the victim, I think she is capable of harm. I've also told him that I will protect myself and him expecting me to "support" him in any meetings with BM is asking too much.

He wanted me to go to their mediation to "support" him, but I said no. BM has been itching to get in a room with me, but I'm not interested in getting pulled into her drama. Saying nothing and avoiding her is a better scenario than interacting with her ever could be.

Also, she wouldn't even agree to her and DH meeting with the children together to discuss what sports they would like to do for the year. Consequently, any meeting she would schedule with the children would be a complete trap.

I think that in a few years, I will be in your situation - with one SS refusing to come to our house - but I won't agree to meeting with BM and SS. BM and DH need to work out their own issues. I was not part of their demise and I won't be pulled into the drama that BM continues.

Good luck!

I'm with you. I would never

I'm with you. I would never agree to meet with BM about anything under any circumstances. She does not have anyone's interests except her own at heart. I will accompany DH to court, but I won't go in the courtroom.

None of this is my problem and I will not be part of it. Thank god DH would never agree to meet with her either.

This seems like a recipe for disaster to me.

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