You are here

Holiday Stress is Back!

Cover1W's picture

DH was doing well, but last night, whooo boy.

 

I was wondering what was up, he was actiing withdrawn and sad and as I told him "what's up with the frowny face tonight?"  I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.  He only gets like this when thinking about the whole PAS situation with SD16 (now 16!  two years almost since she sayonara'd out), BM and likely the holidays.  Because the holidays and birthdays 'trigger' him.  Although he won't admit it.

So all is ok, he's a bit quiet at dinner, we discuss dinner plans for the week since YSD13 will be with us from this Wednesday to a couple days after xmas, when she goes back to BMs. We watch a show, then I go to bed.  DH then comes in, yelling.  Really upset.  He starts from almost level 10 about how he's had it with the situation and how NO ONE has helped him, not me, not his sisters.  No one has ever contacted OSD on their own to talk with her or help him out.  He was especially mad at ME for not talking with her - he thanked me for talking wiith him and listening to him but why not talk with HER?!  The horror of how he's the only one fighting this with no family help...and on and on.  I just sat there with my mouth shut.  Thinking, this is above and beyond my being patient with him, I'm about done it he doesn't shut it.  I will get in my car and leave.  There's no reason for him to blame ME for not talking with his alienated daughter.  He, I think, saw my face and quieted down.  He asked me, rather yelled, whether I had anything to say at all about my inaction, or his sister's inactions.  (I think this is coming directly from his personal counselor, who he has said has zero experience with this type of situation and who has professed, he has said, to being "surprised" at my actions - such as refusing to take care of YSD for a week on my own while he goes on a personal vacation).  So I tell him, I'm going to say something and if you DARE inturrupt me I'm not going to take it.

* Regarding my "inaction" and lack of contact with OSD, do you want me to call her RIGHT NOW?  Because I will.  (he says no) Or better, text her?  I'll let you read all the lack of response I get...He says something about it being "too late" for that because I haven't done so on my own.  Oh, really?  So you know I spent all that time before she actually left our home, when I was trying and trying to get her to open up and trying to make you see what was happening and I was helping and being there for everyone and it wasn't enough. Nothing helped, she stopped talking with me LONG before she stopped talking with you.  I am the evil step-mother, I am not mom, not dad, I'm NO ONE to her.  So don't you go thinking that anything I would have said would have helped.  DH, "But she named you as one of the most influential people in her life at school!"  Me, "A year and a half at least before she left!"  She was in 6th grade at the time, prior to puberty and before the PAS started happening.  So no, DH, that is meaningless because her actions were clear.

* Your younger sistster, she DID try to talk with OSD when we were there in April, several times.  She does not live close to us (overseas) and doesn't have a close relationship with her anyway!  HOW is she going to help?  Did you ask her?  You know that OSD just dug in her heels when your younger sister talked about you and her and shut down.

* Your older sister knows almost nothing about this whole thing.  You have not once talked with her about what's going on.  HOW is she supposed to know?  She also lives overseas.

DH calmed down, apologized, and I went to bed with no further words.

This morning he apologized again and I told him that I would not mind talking with him about this but that I don't think he's ready to hear what I have to say.  And if he does want to talk he has to not yell.  He said he was just frustrated with the situation...I said that NO, he targeting ME as a scapegoat and that was not right in any way.

I've told him if he wants to discuss this he first has to do the reading I've recommended to him about PAS.  He has a book and I have several links to great articles for him, like this one:  https://www.jmichaelbone.com/    But he's out and out refused to read anything.  So DH is very misguided on PAS and how it works.  There's no 'intervention' there's only prevention and recognition of it early on.  I think it's happening with YSD, but more subtley.  He knows this.  But does nothing about it. 

I'm watching his attitude on this very carefully because he will NOT be blaming me for the PAS.  Look to BM  -  he still doesn't get it.

Comments

ESMOD's picture

DH.. your relationship with your own child is not my job to fix.  If your daughter has turned herself away from you, what makes you think that she will listen to ME or your sister or anyone else?

You need to stop blaming me and everyone under the sun for the breakdown.  I know your EX has made this a difficult situation, but your daughter is willingly jumping on her bandwagon, so if you have BONES to pick.. it's with THEM.. not me.

I don't come in hear yelling at YOU because you aren't interfering with my relationships with my family do I?  No.. because it's not your job to fight my battles.. if I have them.

I'm sorry that she has cut things off right now, but I can offer you sympathy.. and that's it. I cannot change the situation.

advice.only2's picture

Damn he really has a lot of resentment built up at all the wrong people. Sounds like he is still in deep denial that any of this is his fault.

hereiam's picture

He is blaming everybody.... except who is actually responsible.

The last person he needs to be alienating, with this behavior, is YOU.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Wow. If YOU yelled at him like that, how would he react??? My DH would shut down and walk away. Hell, *I* would shut down and walk away!  Sheesh.

He needs to remove his head from his hiney and put the blame where it lies. And that is certainly not with you or his sisters.

thinkthrice's picture

The freaking misplaced resentment and yet they won't read a thing about it because they think they know it all and where to place the blame!!  totally grinds my gears 

I remember when Chef started blaming me for the three Ferals PASing out (due to 24/7 Girhippo Clan brainwashing) Actually said that I treated them like pigs thus the PASout!

 I was biting my tongue because if the shoe fits wear it!!

Cover1W's picture

Exactly.  I have literally handed him printed materials about PAS and he refuses to look at even the first sentence.  And I've told him I won't talk with him about it unless he does some research first and promises we can have a calm, rational discussion about it.  He's on warning for sure after his tirade last night.

thinkthrice's picture

He believes his situation/circumstance is sppeeeecial and not like allllll the ooooothhhherrr fathers out there who dessserrrrvved to be alienated by their chiiiiilllldren.

hereiam's picture

Ya know, I've had this chat with my DH before, initiated by ME. I asked him, was there something you think that I did, or something more that I should have done? Do you, in any way, blame me for how your relationship with your daughter turned out? I wanted to be sure because I have seen the other side (where the SM DID purposely alienate her husband's kids from him).

No, I did not try to fix their relationship, or reach out to SD (now, 28) to talk to her about it, or try to be her mom. It wasn't (and isn't) my place.

But, I also did not try to sabotage their relationship. Anything that I might have done differently, most likely would have backfired in my face. The times that I have tried to help SD in other areas, just got me slapped down, either by her or BM. So, there was only so much I was willing to invest, and that amount got smaller and smaller as the years went by.

DH, "But she named you as one of the most influential people in her life at school!" 

So, what? My SD once said that she wished I was her mom, that she was mine and DH's kid. It didn't mean a thing, her loyalty still lies with BM. She believes every lie that BM has told her about me and about her own dad.

So, really, just what in the hell does your husband think that YOU could have done?

In my case, my DH knows full well that he should not have had a kid with someone like BM.

 

Siemprematahari's picture

Cover, sorry this blow up happened with your H. Whenever you have a moment to chat tell him that under no uncertain terms will he ever speak to you like that again. You and his sister have NOTHING to do with SD being alienated. If he feels the need to mope around and be depressed you won't throw a pity party and entertain his antics. At the end of the day his anger has to be placed elsewhere because you have no control over SD & BM's behavior. 

Walk out next time he so much as breaths hard....nope be miserable on your own and just walk out. He needs to own his part in this.....not you, not his sister, not his mother, his brother or whoever else he can think of. 

tog redux's picture

Oh no he didn't. You are the person who has stuck by him throughout all of this drama and nonsense, he should be thanking you for putting up with it.

I'd be furious if DH ever blamed me for SS's alienation. Thankfully, he always put the blame right where it belonged - ON BM.

Siemprematahari's picture

Oh no he didn't is right-----Next time I'd give him my @ss to kiss......

He can miss you with all that nonsense....Instant SHUT DOWN!!!

 

WarMachine13's picture

Jeez he's being a jerk of a mangina. Does he need some Pamprin?? 

Surprised you didn't leave the room/house. Sorry lady but I think you shoulda told him when he's ready to ACT like an adult you'll talk to him.