Disengagement tactics FULL ON
INTERESTING developments!
* I have a missing coffee mug, a nice one, that SD11 used for cocoa. It was left in her room, rotting and moldy until she cleaned up Sunday. Mug still missing. Asked SD11 on Sunday, just out of plain curiosity about if she'd seen it since she made cocoa. Answer was of course "why, No!" So a gift from SD11 shows up under the tree, same size/weight as missing mug. I will open package carefully this weekend to inspect as SD11 likes to give "joke" gifts which oftentimes are not funny. 1) it's clean and therefore I do nothing but open and go along with joke on Xmas. No biggie. 2) it's dirty with mold still in it. Then I wrap it back up, to be opened on Xmas and then I get up and methodically remove all of SD11s (damn, SD12 by next week) gifts from me, opened and unopened, from the house and into my car to be taken to donation. I'm not breathing a word of this to DP.
* DP worked late last night, don't even know how late. I KNEW he'd somehow try to ask me to take SD9 to school. BUT I have a holiday party at work today and with traffic in the city today due to events, there's no way in (edit) HECK I'm driving, and I'd lose my workout option (which I already lost on Wednesday because I agreed to help pick up SD9 then). He has also been told I will not help if it's a last minute request. So he asks, "....Aren't you driving to work today?" Me, "No, never was...plus traffic's going to be horrible tonight." His fishing cut off. No more out of him.
See, there's another option for me assisting with SD9 school drop off, but it requires a little more planning and very little effort/schedule change on my part when it works out and he didn't do that last night. Not helping.
* Left all dishes untouched but took care of only my breakfast stuff. This is HARD for me to do.
* And the BEST! SD11 has continually told me she doesn't know when the school fundraiser items are in for pickup by the participating students. I know that they had to have come in by now. So this morning, I called the school directly. Yep, they came in last month and most items but for a few have been picked up. So were the students notified? Oh, yes, they were given written notices and there were several announcements in classes that they need to pick up the items. Thank you, you've been very helpful. SO - the question is, do I ask DP for the $13 back or do I not engage DP and ask SD12 next week, in front of her dad, for my $13 back? She has multiple items for people that have not been picked up. How do I do address this - I engaged the school because I have money involved and this is basically stealing/fraud (on a kid level) even if it's due to pure laziness...and that's SD11, she just likely doesn't want to deal with it.
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Oh, I'm not waiting, I'm
Oh, I'm not waiting, I'm opening the package on the sly this weekend to find out the status. I need to be mentally prepared.
If it's the moldy version, the crap is likely dried up and hard as a rock (in which case she not only loses gifts but has a mug to clean out).
YES, I am going to re-wrap
YES, I am going to re-wrap it!
See, that's the best option.
I'm kind of thinking it's not the moldy version since my cats are ignoring it, but if it's all dry and crusty - then MY response will be worth it. SO worth it.
She can be a very sweet, fun girl.
HOWEVER she has a very nasty, mean, vindictive side to her which both BM and DP choose to totally ignore.
Good idea on the mug! I
Good idea on the mug!
I think that you should ask SD for the money in front of DP. That way both are aware that you know the items are at the school. No chances of miscommunication.
Yep, it's a big tin of
Yep, it's a big tin of popcorn (several people ordered food items) I was going to get out over the holiday and share with everyone. WAS.
No I don't think she'd eat
No I don't think she'd eat it.
Her problem is that she has to carry the stuff home (it's a HUGE tin) and she doesn't want to bother (I know her very well, very well)
AND she is not a food hoarder, in fact, she'd never open and eat something new by herself, i.e. a new brand of something, she's extremely picky.
I don't have a work schedule that allows me to go to school with her, and I don't want to be that involved.
why dont you replace the
why dont you replace the coffee mug with a lovely sparkly diamond goodie? (then take the mug to work or something where she'll never see it)
for the ride, good try, mr.cover, good try. bwaahaahaaa....
in the kitchen - YUP. just take care of only what you use.
fundraiser - i'd ask her in front of dh. just make sure you dont come off accusatory. "sd you keep saying you dont know where the fundraiser items are, so i've been very concerned that people arent going to get their stuff in time and will want their money back from you... i hope to God that it didnt get lost in shipping or something!" then i'd sit back another few days and see what happens. if still nothing, i'd talk to her again in front of dh and say "sd i'm worried about the fundraiser items so i went ahead and called the school to see if they knew where the items may be. funny thing......... blah blah blah"
Coffee mug - that's funny!
Coffee mug - that's funny! But it plays right into her game-making. And I'm not going there.
fundraiser - oh, I've done the first part already - I've asked her 2x if she's checked because people may want the items they ordered prior to the holidays...and I know that most school fundraiser items were done in mid-November across the area...
NOTHING.
I'm done waiting for more days. Given her 2 opportunities. The first time she said she "forgot" to ask. The next was the contact person was "out with a broken wrist." Um, no. Not true.
I'm going with the talking with her in front of DP.
Oh even better....Wait until
Oh even better....Wait until Friday and ask SD, in front of DH, about the fundraiser items. If she claims to know know then say "Oh well I better call the school monday to find out in case there was a problem. Im sure all those people who bought items will be wanting their money back" And leave the room.
Let SD worry her fanny off all weekend about what will happen when you get ahold of the school on monday.
You may even want to mention it a few times over the weekend..."Oh I can't forget to call the school monday about the fundraiser...I better write myself a note as a reminder"
I would totally play that card all weekend.
I already got a hold of the
I already got a hold of the school.
Confirmed that she was informed.
Nope, not waiting any longer.
I am direct when this stuff happens - waiting and waiting is no longer my way.
She won't be at our house again until Wednesday.
So I will wait patiently.
"* Left all dishes untouched
"* Left all dishes untouched but took care of only my breakfast stuff. This is HARD for me to do."
This is the hardest thing for me to do, but it gets easier and easier every day.
Conversation heard in my kitchen last night:
DH - ugh, poor BabyVoice, she has to hand wash her sandwich keeper every morning.
me - well, if she took it out of her lunch box and put it in the dishwasher, she wouldn't have to do that
DH - blah blah blah blah blah excuse excuse excuse
me - *walks out of kitchen*
oh, see, but this would NOT
oh, see, but this would NOT go over with DP.
He would
1) have to get the stuff for her
2) chores are not in DPs vocabulary as pertaining to SDs i.e. they don't exist
3) "earn" money? HA! That seems like it would be related to "work." Nope, not in our house, see "chores" she can pay me out of whatever allowance she gets from BM...I suspect DP will pay me back and be pissed at my "pettiness"
4) DP has to realize other people's stuff is involved and how to get it to them
5) If I speak to DP about this before talking with SD it WILL backfire:
DP will then go to SD and let her know that I'm mad, then see 1) and 4) and there will be no 2) or 3) and Cover will be undermined once more.
Because "ramifications for actions" or "discipline" are dirty words for DP.
And if ANYTHING I do smacks of what he thinks are those things, even to the extent of firmly telling one of the SDs to so much as pick up the piece of paper they dropped on the floor "now" instead of saying, "Why don't you think about maybe sometime pick up the paper you so elegantly placed on the floor for us to admire and if you don't, I'll help you do it tomorrow so your delicate fingers don't have to be so much as brushing the horrid floor or you bending over to maybe do anything so close to work so I'll just do it for you after all." :O
YES. We had a big discussion
YES.
We had a big discussion about it last weekend.
He mentally KNOWS it's not good, but to emotionally change it is much harder.
So I decided then and there that I am going hard core.
You don't do it, then I don't do it but I'm going to protect myself full on.
This makes me good.
We do really get along very well, and I don't see it as a deal breaker because I can separate my emotions of what's going on from him and get on with it.
I think he can change, and he has said he wants to. I just have to kind of force him to do it, firmly and consistently.
Did I mention that we have
Did I mention that we have our holiday party at work tonight. And there will be wine starting at 3:00 pm?
Look to see the condition of
Look to see the condition of the cup, if it is moldy re-wrap it, put her name on it and remove any other gifts for her. Mean, mean, but it will teach her a lesson. She will get upset and after an hour or so, give her the gifts and say it was just a joke.
Well, I leave way too early
Well, I leave way too early and get home way too late to do any of the school stuff.
I'm going to bring it up when I get home on Wednesday or (I won't be home at the same time with DP and SD12 until then - YAY for my planning things for myself capability!)...and I'm not going to dedicate that much energy to it. I know DP and he'll not be happy she did this.
MUG UPDATE:
ok, so something must have happened to the old mug.
It's a brand new mug in that package, I'm betting to replace the moldy one. Either she broke it or dumped it and got a case of the guilts.
Anyway, good on her, she's solving that issue. I think this replacement makes it clear she messed up and I have a hunch she'll somehow fess up too.