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DH met with SD

Cover1W's picture

This is also in teen forum...

....and as he and I expected it didn't go well.

First the meeting place changed from a mutual agreed on neutral place to one that was only beneficial to SD14. BM told DH it was a 'miscommunication.' I told him likely SD14 threw a fit about having to meet him at original place. He was like, 'Of course! Why didn't I realize that...'

So he shows up. SD14 is there with a family friend (not a neutral party at all) to act as a witness and mediator (a joke). He's not happy about that. And SD sets a 15 minute timer, says "I'm being forced to do this." 

DH let her talk for ten minutes. Basically bashing him with untrue statements like he yelled at her all the time, made her do things (cleaning, chores) she didn't want to do, she was forced to be in her room, he didn't communicate with or help her, etc. Just amazing how twisted it is in her mind. 

He said he remained calm, told her he loved and missed her. Asked her what she is so angry about - which he said threw her off. She also, as I predicted, blamed him for not contacting her. He showed her the texts (says she didn't get those) and reminded her of the cards he gave her (she didn't want those anyway).  He asked her what she wanted, but again that threw her off. And he told her she has a place at our home if she wants to visit...her response to that was a snarky "Do I really?" He said yes, and it's being upgraded, like the other downstairs rooms. Her response, "I liked it like it was." Again, BS.

After 15 min the 'friend' called it over. DH told SD that he wished her well and left with no goodbye, he just walked away he was so upset.

I think he did good. He's obviously still shaken about how cold and negative and calculating she was. He also asked, why are they doing this to me? I just said that some people are so wrapped in their own world they have no understanding of how they hurt others. That they just are not nice people, and you cannot correct them 

He has now blocked them from his contacts for now and decided no more contact with BM (finally) unless it's a true emergency. We are also reading "Co-parenting with a toxic Ex, what to do when your ex-spouse tries to turn the kids against you." This is very important because I have seen some signs that SD12 is being manipulated too, but she's less of a risk, however DH needs to understand PAS more.

Comments

tog redux's picture

I don't know the full story, but yep, that's an alienated kid.  Was this a court-ordered visit? 15 minutes? How pointless.

If you can't find a judge who understands alienation or a therapist who does (you'd have better luck finding a unicorn), then he's probably better off just not pushing the issue. Keep the door open and send texts/cards/emails periodically.   A kid like her needs an ordered custody change and without that, he will get nowhere.  Focus on healing, being well, being the best dad he can be, and letting her know the door is open.

Cover1W's picture

Court ordered? 

Bwahahaha. More like SD dictated time she would allow. 

Yes, I am telling him keep contact even if no response. She's used 'you don't contact me' already. The book discusses this too.  And I can point to a friend's experience, who lost contact with his kids around same age (PAS) but whose eldest daughter made contact with him once she was in college and out of mother's home...

Booboobear's picture

Im so sorry for your DH's suffering. I dont know why people act like this, its so wasteful of a good dad, then they go around with the belief that dad's not avalible. or worthwhile. or valueable. same for stuff we drop off at goodwill or the dump, we are done with that stuff, so we get rid of it, and then some creative soul picks up the stuff and sees worth and dusts it off and makes it valuable in their lives.  Then Old witch and her cronies see you with the sparkling refurbished stuff and gets all pissed off and tries to accuse you of stealing it, when they threw it away. 

advice.only2's picture

God she sounds just like Spawn, she would do the same crap once she moved out and was 17.  She would "invite" DH to lunch and they would get there and she would proceed to bash him for everything under the sun, then she would make her list of demands of what she wanted at that time.  DH never gave her anything just sat there and took it and then would leave.

Sorry for your DH but when you Disney parent this is usually the outcome,I know because my DH was a disney parent and meth mout was just a worthless junkie.  Doesn't make it right, but piss poor parenting does have consequences.

 

Lndsy747's picture

Someone on this site recommended Dr Craig Childress to me. You can find his videos on YouTube. There's one series of videos that's supposed to be for the PAS kids to watch that might be good for SO to watch (it's not as dry and shorter than the main series which is geared more towards therapists). What he described in the video is exactly how SD feels about her dad being angry and annoyed by him for no reason. I wish I could get my SD to watch them.

notsobrady's picture

Reminds me of SD18. When she took off she took any and every opportunity to bash DH. Everything was all his fault. He was too strict, he didn’t talk to her, he never did anything for her, he never bought her Christmas presents...poor poor pitiful SD. Feel sorry for SD..she’s such the victim..

marblefawn's picture

It sounds as if your husband said all the right things to her -- especially to disarm her anger.

All he can do is keep reminding her that he loves her. And it's very good to ask, "What do you need from me?"

The extra person and timer was pretty shitty. Give him a nice long hug and tell him how much you love him.