Counselor saga
So DH replied to the counselor and BM about how the last email string has veered from estranged OSD to YSD, and no mention of OSD has taken place for some time which was the whole intent of hiring this person in the first place (she is one of the most expensive in town).
The intent of meeting with YSD is to let her have a safe place to discuss high school choices and to talk about changes YSD would like to see in our household. That's a quote. WTF?! No. A teen doesn't get to decide how our house is run. YSD doesn't say a peep to us about ANYTHING she wants. Not even snacks. We ask her constantly about her wants/needs and get nothing. It's incredibly frustrating and weird.
So BM made the appointment without consulting us. Of course I have legit plans that day that I can not cancel. I encouraged DH to go, but I think he might not. And we have let YSD know that SHE needs to be the decider on what school she wants, but if she has concerns or questions DH is here. We'd like to see her at the better HS near us of course but if she chose different, then we'd work it out with her and BM. Just let her know she'd be supported either way.
Just waiting for next email....
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This therapy is pointless, BM
This therapy is pointless, BM is controlling the narrative and driving everything that happens.
Ask the therapist for sessions only with DH and YSD and to not listen to what BM wants YSD to discuss, but most likely, BM has already convinced the therapist that DH and you are bad and she is good. If that's true, fire the therapist immediately.
That happened with the last
That happened with the last therapist.
This one requires that DH be kept on all communications. She's been very good so far with dealing with BM. Note that the latest 'requirement' was from BM, not the therapist. I re-iterated to DH this morning that BM does not control this and neither do the SDs. He is not agreeing to meet with BM and YSD until OSD meets first. He's got a boundary down!
I just cannot stand BM. I am sure the SDs negativity comes from her - she's classic passive aggressive and I don't trust her one teensy tiny bit. I agree to go, only if a date is not dictated to me and I think it's in YSDs best interest. And partly due to plain old curiosity. I'm not at all hesitant to walk out or speak my mind if needed and DH knows that and he thinks the same. For now though, there's no meeting.
And I also told DH I'm surprised OSD didn't agree to meet since her birthday and Xmas is coming up...
...and I realized this
...and I realized this afternoon why the statement about our home/how it's run bugs me soooooo much.
It's because obviously our home, and me and DH, are topics of conversation at BMs home. We do NOT do that here. In general we nod and say, "That's nice" or "that's hard" or "Talk to your mom." Basically quite non-judgemental. Every so often DH gets a comment out now and then, but it's rare and he NEVER discusses it in any way with YSD.
I avoid comments like the plague.
So there it is. And I'm NOT happy about figuring this out.
Anyone have ideas about this? There's really nothing we can do but keep to the high road. I'm sure now that if anything is said to YSD, it's going straight back to BM. Dammit. I dislike her with an even more intense fury now.
Yes, exactly - and that's why
Yes, exactly - and that's why BM should NOT be included in sessions with DH and YSD. If YSD has her own legitimate concerns, she needs to voice them herself.
I relate to this one so much.
I relate to this one so much. After nearly every visitation weekend, DH receives something from BM criticizing or commenting on what we did or didn't do that weekend. It's as if they walk through the door and immediately share everything that happened that weekend. It feels incredibly invasive. BM even did that when DH went to a counseling session with overly dramatic SS (at BM's insistence). BM contacted DH to say that "SS volunteered information on what you talked about" and then accused DH of lying to the counselor about her, when in fact the conversation that was had, had nothing to do with BM and she wasn't even mentioned.
I follow the same approach with my SSs. I don't ask them any questions about their home and if they mention anything about BM, I give them a vague positive affirmation.
BM wanted DH to go to counseling with her, but everything is such a game to her that he's refused. Now, neither SS goes to counseling, although they both need it. BM was sure that if they went to counseling they would be able to tell DH "how they truly feel", which is how much they don't like him because he's so mean to BM. When that didn't happen and when it actually required her to do something to get them to counseling, she lost interest and they don't go. So, now we are back to having on SS who texts his mother non-stop when he is with us and reports everything back to her as soon as he walks in the door.
The latest was when DH asked to keep both SSs until Friday morning this week to take one of them shopping for ski boots. He doesn't have any because he skipped the weekend of the ski swap, even though DH offered to pick him up and take him to the ski swap and then drive him home. BM's response to this request, "Overly dramatic SS doesn't want to stay at your home on Thursday and he said that he asked you to take him to buy ski boots last weekend, but you refused." So many things wrong with that, including SS thinking that he calls all the shots and BM thinking she can dictate when we do things. She then told DH she'd bring SS over early on Thanksgiving, which would give him plenty of time to get fitted for ski boots...too bad no stores are open that day, BM. Guess overly dramatic SS will have to figure out how to ski without boots. This is the same SS who BM told us all last year "hated skiing" and then this year - now that BM and DH agreed that DH would cover all costs of skiing on his own - threw a fit when DH told him we were not getting him a season pass because we were only going to go 3-4 times this year.
So much drama...my SSs are also in 8th grade and it's interesting to see how living without an emotional adult (BM seems to not have progressed emotionally beyond her teen years) shapes adolescent behavior. It basically creates overgrown toddlers.