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1.5 weeks away

Cover1W's picture

From leaving on our trip and DH is still trying to decide if SD15 is going or not. 

DH told me after his dinner (!) and a movie with her that she was rude, silent, entitled, full of herself, and over the top dismissive. Didn't thank him for dinner, popcorn (she just stood in line without him until he came over and bought it for her - didn't even ask), his time, driving her, anything.  Told him she wanted to go on the trip only for ONE thing (that would be about 1.5 hours long, max.) over 10 days.  And complained about the travel schedule. 

I just don't see how it's going to work and told him when he asked me what my thoughts were (for the millionth time since November) that it's not my decision whether she comes or not, however I will not be helping or assisting with her in any way.  And I will not put up with attitude and will not keep my mouth shut if she does come and she's a terrible witch and it effects me - and reminded him his sister will not either (to which he went a little pale and silent).  And I let him know that if she comes and is that bad, I will do things on my own if necessary. 

He's giving her one last chance - she must come to our home this coming weekend and they need to talk - really talk.  So we'll see what happens.  I won't be around most days since I have things to do before the trip so that's a blessing for myself.

He is really struggling whether he even likes her right now or not and what does that mean for him?  He is asking himself some very hard questions about the trip and the future and about YSD.

Comments

SteppedOut's picture

At this point I'm not sure why he is even considering taking her; even if she wants to come - she surw isn't acting like it! 

advice.only2's picture

The last big trip we took as a family where Spawn attended I let DH know that he would be fully in charge of her and I would not be alone with her at all (she was 15 at the time)

Guess how that turned out! I found myself constantly forced into situations where I had to do all the stuff with Spawn while DH called off for one reason or another. By the end of the trip I was so angry I told DH I was never going on a trip with him again if she was going.

DH admitted he did what he did in the hopes that Spawn and I might re-connect and he figured this would be the way to force the relationship into working.

Did the exact opposite, it just solidified for me that I could not stand Spawn, nor she me.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Gads, Cover. I also don't understand why your DH is still considering taking her. That ship should have sailed - withOUT SD. Sad

Cover1W's picture

I know.  I see him really struggling at this point over his realization that his child is a terrible person and he doesn't really want to spend any time wiith her vs. this could be a 'turning point into a better relationship' with her.  His head is in one place and his heart is in another - I think it will take her crushing his heart in the end. It's sad to watch him be so vulnerable and not stand up for himself with a 15 yo.  Well, he couldn't stand up for himself when she was 10 either...so there is that. 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

I think he should consider her NOT going on this trip and try to work on their relationship and her crap attitude afterwards. 

Harry's picture

She could not do a movies with out drama.  Just how do you think this trip is going to be with her. Drama and more drama.  She stays home until she grows up 

Winterglow's picture

Your DH needs to take a big step back and a long look at the situation. He's too close to get a glimpse of reality. He keeps giving her every opportunity to show him she deserves to go on the trip and she repeatedly kicks him in the teeth. Please tell him what a turn off it is to watch him grovel for her favours.

She doesn't deserve to go on this trip, doesn't really want to but sees an opportunity to get all of her Daddeee's attention. 

If this child goes on this trip with you she will go out of her way to ruin it for everybody and then  will come home and say that you (plural) ruined it for her. If I were you, at this point, I'd be very tempted to tell him that if she goes, I'll be staying at home and getting a refund (or getting it postponed - would your SIL be up for that?). No way would I be pouring money into something that she's going to turn into a disaster because you KNOW that she's going to make everything about her, don't you? 

Cover1W's picture

I've told him that if she comes he needs to be prepared for me to do things on my own, not all of it with them.  And you bet I will.  I will go, because I want to see his family (who I really love) but they are aware of the issues and will help with it - they don't put up with B.S.  And not one penny of my funds are going to her on this trip. DH has arranged and paid for everything.

I am prepared for it.  She's been so terrible the last two years it's built up my 'couldn't care less' feelings about her at this point.

justmakingthebest's picture

It is such a hard realization to come to. I personally stuggled with SS not wanting to come with us. You guys all know that. 

I just hope if she doesn't come this weekend and your DH sticks to his guns he will be like mine and push SD out of his mind and focus on those that want to be there and want to experience your trip together. 

tog redux's picture

What is he hoping for with all of these "tests" he's giving her? Is he hoping she will snap back to how she used to be (I assume) and he will have an obvious green flag that he should take her?

You know he's going to take her regardless, right? He seems to have no ability to say no.  I'm not sure how far you are traveling to do that one thing she wants to do that takes 1.5 hours, but can he just take her to do it some other time and not drag you along?

Cover1W's picture

"Is he hoping she will snap back to how she used to be..."  LOLOLOLOL

She was never easy and was always diffiult to be around.  He just wants her there.  My SIL said that DH used to have a very, very good relationship with her before the divorce and she changed after that.  I think DH wants the 6 yo SD15 back.  But that's not going to happen. 

The thing she wants to do is overseas - and Yep, I'll likely be there because it's on the way to the train station to our next destination.  But I'm hoping there's a pub or a cafe next door.

And I am fully prepared for her to be there in spite of everything - as I've said to DH, "No one ever says no to her..." when he asks aloud how she got to be this way.

tog redux's picture

Yeah, my DH talks about what a great kid SS19 was when he was younger. He's mostly accepted that SS is a disappointment to him, but he still thinks about that great kid he used to have. 

SM12's picture

Boys have the same ability to crush the souls of their fathers.  My SSs are horrible spawn who treat DH like dirt.  He too went a long time trying to salvage the relationship.  Even after he began to dislike them as people, he would still have moments of trying.  They continued to crap all over him until he decided enough was enough.  Now that he put his foot down they have left our lives entirely.  I think DH has moments of sadness over it but MSS shows his nasty side about once a year which just reinforces DHs beliefs that they are too far gone and not good people.  He seems to have accepted this and is much happier now.   

And BM conflict has lessened because he refuses to engage or cave to her demands.  She’s stuck with them...

Cover1W's picture

Update:  he said he was going to call her on Sunday to discuss her coming over for the weekend. Didn't happen.  And then he said that he was going to email her instead.  That hasn't happened either.  As of yesterday, still no decision.  A week out.