You are here

Love and Camping

Countrymom's picture

I don’t understand why it’s so hard for people in a non-step family situation to understand that just because I married someone does not mean that I automatically love his child!

Even before I ever came into this situation I understood that love is something that grows over time with someone because of who they are. You like and love people based on their characteristics and how they treat you. The only love that I know of that is automatic and unconditional, is the love you have for your own biological/adopted child. My love for my parents is also automatic, but can and has diminished over time. I’m sure I loved my father enormously when I was a child, but as I’ve grown and our relationship has never been nourished (parents divorced when I was 3), I love him as my father, but it’s not like my love I had for my mother. I was very close to my mother, she was my best friend (she passed away almost 4 years ago).

Anyway, I write this because I was naively venting to a friend about SS6 and how he once again lied about me and my BD’s to MIL and of course she believes it and I’m again the bad guy, but whatever. My friend is single (well been with her boyfriend like 15 years) and childless. She has no clue about even basic parenting much less step families, but for some reason I expect people to understand that point and not be like, “well you married him and you should love SS and treat him the same”. I do not have to love SS just because I fell in love with his father! I do not have to even like him! They are two completely separate and different people! I only have to treat him decently and be as respectful as possible! Ok, needed to get that out to people that might understand, shew.

On another note, we are planning a short camping trip this weekend. I invited my friend (different than the one I was venting to) and her kids to join us. She has 2 boys, age 11 and 13. Her 11 year old is quite the handful and reminds me of what SS6 may be like in 5 years. DH decides to tell me that he hopes that my friend doesn’t bring her kids because her child is an ***hole. I gave him that look and he says, SS6 isn’t that bad! I said, yes he is you just don’t see it because he’s your kid and only 6, imagine when he’s 11! It irritates me when he is blind to SS’s behavior! Which luckily isn’t all the time, he knows he can be an ***hole but doesn’t see really how bad. I wish I could tell him that that is the same thing that everyone else thinks about SS6 when we are going places, but that would just hurt him. He already knows that I don’t like it.


justanothergurlNJ's picture

You won't get much of the you should love him like your own around here!

My SS's I don't even consider them my SS's they are my SO's kids. The love I have for them is the love I have for any innocent child. I never want any harm to come to them and if on my watch and I see something dangerous I would protect them like any other child. You know what I mean. You're walking down the street minding your own business and you see a kid ready to run out into on coming traffic, Mommy instincts kick in and you grab them. That's how I view my love ofr my "SS's". Some days I like them more then others, but I fell in love with their father so I tolerate them.

Countrymom's picture

Exactly! I care about SS because he's a child and he's DH's, I don't want anything bad to happen to him and I even feel sorry for him sometimes, but that's all.

iluvcheese's picture

I hate it when people say that. My DH used to say that to me. I put him in his place. He hasn't said it since.

I think most parents are blind to their children or they pretend to be. It is extremely annoying. It's the nature of the beast though.

Maybe the kids can use a separate tent? Then you & your guy have some time.

Cooooookies's picture

Nobody understands it. Absolutely no one...until you live it. Don't even bother explaining it. No one knows what this life is like and even us seasoned SM's still get blindsided once in awhile.

You'll get no such silly notions here, that's for sure. I cannot stand my SS and I don't feel guilty at all. He's not my child and most days he's not even pleasant. Eh, I married DH, not his pants pooping demon.

kathc's picture

Nope, you absolutely should NOT:

1. "have known what you were getting into"
2. "love him like he's your own"
3. "BOND with him!"
4. "do things for him!"
5. "be a bonus mom"

Unless YOU feel like any of that is stuff you're OK with!!!

People who aren't in the situation will always, always make you out to be the ogre because they have no effing CLUE what it's like.

I've even got a friend who's a SM who thinks I'm nuts for NOT loving my skid! She's got the Disney fairy tale thing going on, though, where her DH's ex is a reasonable human and they all work together for what's best for the kids and she's even allowed to HUG her skids in front of their mom--their BM encourages it! Yeah, I always tell her she's in the twilight zone, I've got the step reality.