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Update to my kids stbSM wants to be friends.

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

I am not keeping these blogs up long, just in case. The last time I wrote about this, I was talking about how SM wanted to sit together and chat at my bios' extracurricular activity. It wasn't a huge deal because it is only once a week. It is very awkward but we are all pushing through it. There has been alot more contact because we have graduations and end of the year events at school. It is clear that my exH is very uncomfortable with all the contact.

Despite it being so awkward, SM is pushing forward. She is now encouraging me to take the kids to the local pool with her so that we can get to know each other. Also, she extended an invitation to me and SD12 to come over to my exH's house and go swimming there. She told me that SD12 is welcome there anytime and they'd be happy to babysit her. This made exH very uncomfortable. He shot her a look that told me that he had no idea that she planned to extend that invitation.

I am okay with having a discussion with her when we are all thrown together for events, but I am not sure about hanging out with her. Also, I definitely am not comfortable going to exH's house. I am trying to be polite, because I want to do what is best for my kids. I appreciate that she is being so friendly. And I have backed her up anytime I see my kids being disrespectful towards her. But, I just don't see the appeal of an ex and a current fiancee being friends.

So now I have to decide where to draw the line. I am hoping that exH will put a stop to some of it because it is obvious that he is very unhappy with this arrangement. We have always co-parented well together but we are no friends. I'd like to balance keeping my distance with being able to have a functional co-parenting relationship. Anyone else deal with this?

Comments

Acratopotes's picture

thank goodness NO,

I think I would've told her - hey listen lady, I'm not interested in becoming friends, there's a reason I divorced your husband.... we do not get along, so stop forcing us to get along....

I will be friendly at events for the kids sake, but we are not going to be buddies, we are not the brady bunch

Pharlap's picture

I think I'd rather be stuck in a secluded room with Trump.

Once again, I blame idiotic TV shows like Reba for giving this gag worthy view of what some people think step life should be like.

ESMOD's picture

I think that it's possible to deliver the message with kindness. I am sure she is trying her best to not be "that" stepmom.

I would probably tell her that while you really appreciate her efforts to be so inviting and friendly that unfortunately, due to the circumstances, a bit more distance in the relationship is probably wiser. If you had met her under other circumstances you may have developed a closer relationship, but the fact that she is married to the man you chose to divorce.. for good reasons.. means you would prefer to not intertwine your social lives too much. Of course at the kid's events, you will be fine having a nice chat and you hold no ill will against her, but you really prefer to have more distance from your Exhusband's new life.

ESMOD's picture

Well, just like there are those parents that want to take a picture every year. Some people just have this idea that everyone can be all friends and that we are all reasonable. The bottom line is we divorce people for a REASON. We don't want to intertwine our social circles with them anymore. The fact that people have kids together complicates it. Sure, it's nice if all the adults can play nice and not act like jerks when they are in each others company, but I wouldn't be interested in manufacturing a closer relationship than necessary.

As far as SD being invited over, I think that would be more along the lines of if the OP's kids want her to hang out.. then that is possibly ok.

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

No, he bought a new house a few months before they met. I wondered if she wanted to show me how much nicer the new house is than mine. But, she doesn't seem to be petty like that.

ESMOD's picture

I had to "break up" with a nice woman because she was my abusive Ex boyfriend's sister. It was a darn shame because she was a lovely person and she was also a great hairdresser and did a really good job on my highlights!

After she kept calling to catch up and see how I was, I told her that while I had appreciated her friendship that the time I dated her brother was a very painful time that I wanted to put behind me and forget. I was distancing myself from everyone in his circle and that I hoped she understood that it was nothing against her, I just wanted to distance myself from him. I let her know that I was doing fine now, but really couldn't keep in touch.

She understood.. I think that the person your EX is dating sort of falls in that kind of category. Perhaps a very nice person, but not someone you should be besties with.

The funny thing I see is that my BIL's wife will get all chummy with his cheating EX every time that they are at a joint functions. It's a hoot.

Maxwell09's picture

I don't think it reeks of insecurely or she's trying to hard. I think she wants you to like her and not to be upset/threatened by her. Maybe it's because of the BM I deal with on a regular basis, but I find it much more preferable to get along awkwardly than to feel eye daggers in my back from across the football field. I know of a couple who split when their daughter was almost one. He started dating my DH's ex (BM) and they had a kid together. They split and now there's a new Stepmom to the little girl and now Spawn. The ExWife an New Stepmom get along great if not awkwardly. Stepmom even goes to the little girls games even though biodad is out of town. The ExWife admitted to me it was hard not to be a little uncomfortable because the stepmom is very likable but she put it aside because she's rather that than being uncomfortable for the next 13 years of school functions, sports activities, graduations. They all sit together, chat about the kids and cheer for the little girl together.