Another blog about breadwinners
I saw the earlier blog about breadwinners and thought I'd write my own as I am having some issues with this. Let me give a little background: When DH and I met, he was underemployed. While we were dating, he pushed through school and had a good job. I was also working my way up and was making decent money. We had all these goals for where we would be right now...
Then the reality of his custody situation hit. He lost his job after the SDs moved in with us because he was missing too much work b/c of SD12's drama. It came to a point where I told him that I would not watch her in the evenings (after she threw a tray table at me). Instead of finding care for her or switching to day shift, he just kept calling in. He ended up fired for it. He has found several jobs since then, each one worse than the last. He goes to work, but is miserable and calls in sick or wants to quit. It has been going on for almost a year now. The time off is really hurting us financially because he doesn't get paid for weeks on end. I have become increasingly bitter because I am now working two jobs and he is not pulling his weight.
As you know, we have SD9 living with us. I am her sole supporter, as he has no job and his ex doesn't work. I have put up with it for over a year. I have sacrificed things that my bios need to get her things b/c my ex makes good money and buys our kids what they need. I haven't really gotten angry about it until lately, and I think it has to do with his attitude. There were two situations that happened recently, where I really lost it with him.
The first situation was about SD9's b-day. It was a couple of weeks ago. When she returned to us, I bought her a new bike. She's been wanting one to ride to school. It wasn' an expensive bike, but it was significant. DH did not contribute to this present at all. And, I didn't mind until the day before her bday celebration. DH pulls a gift card to Target out of the drawer in the kitchen and announces he is going to use it to buy her some more presents. I told him that I needed that to buy shoes for my DD4. She just started preschool and needs new shoes. Her old ones don't fit. He gets mad and tells me that he wants to pick up more presents for SD9 so she has the best birthday ever. I got really upset and told him that it wasn't up to him. He then talked about how we have to spend the same on all the kids for their birthdays. I laughed at him and reminded him that I spent less than half on my BS10's last birthday. And, I always spend very little on DD4 because she doesn't really want anything big or expensive. He literally threw a fit about this. It got ugly and he said some things to me about money, including telling me that I am as selfish as my ex husband (who was very controlling financially).
He did apologize, but then he followed it up with another situation. He is looking for yet another job. I just got hired for a second job and am using it to get us ahead on some bills and build up a nest egg. He asks me how long I am planning to work this job. I told him until after Christmas. He then goes on this rambling vent about how I need to work it until tax time at least, so we can have more savings. I sat and listened to him, then explained that I was going to be giving up evenings and weekends with my kids for this job and was not willing to do it past Christmas. He once again gets on me about needing to save up. I will admit I lost my temper and told him if he wants to save up, then he should go get a damn job instead of pushing me to work two jobs while he sits on his a**.
He once again came and apologized, but I am still bothered by his attitude. He has stopped pulling his weight around the house. He tells me to leave him a list of chores to do, so I do it, but then a week later, none of the stuff on the list is done. He will say that he is filling out job applications, but I will ask how many and he will tell me one or two. How can you spend all day filling out applications and only do 1 or 2 in 9 hours??? I know he is not going anywhere because we have only one car and live too far from anything. I am pretty sure that he is playing video games or reading online comics. He constantly has his tablet and that is why it takes him 2+ hours to wash the dinner dishes.
He knows I am getting fed up with it and he cried and told me that he is depressed and having problems getting over SD12 leaving. I can understand being upset, but I told him that he has a responsibility to SD9 to support her. I am getting to the point where I have actually considered leaving. I pulled my finances into a personal account and am not giving him any spending money. We are keeping up with the bills, but things are really tight. To make matters worse, I have had to stop taking him to the grocery store with me, as he will put things we cannot afford in our cart and then argue with me in front of the kids.
I made him a counseling appointment. I really hope this pulls him out of his funk, because I am getting tired of having another child to support. I have really thought about just leaving. It seems that I am just being taken for granted. He has never been the selfish type until now. It is like he has completely checked out. Any advice on how to handle this? I am at a complete loss.
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I think the two things you
I think the two things you have done (counseling appt and putting your money in a personal account) are definitely steps I the right direction. I'm sorry you are going through this. I think you might have to give him an ultimatum: he starts pulling his weight or you leave. I know it would hurt to do that but you shouldn't be sacrificing your kids' needs for him and his daughter. You and your kids deserve better than that. And unless he is physically unable, he needs to get a job doing SOMETHING. There is just absolutely no excuse for an able bodied, grown man (especially with kids!) to not be working and contributing. What would he do if you (and your money) weren't there to pick up his slack? You need to ask him that.
CP, I am sorry to hear about
CP, I am sorry to hear about your situation
Unfortunately, mine is similar (DH has no job, won't help around the house, gets an attitude and justifies all...HA!) I was mad and resentful for a long time over these things and one day, I just got tired of feeling that resentment, so I let him go...I did not cook, I did not clean, I did nothing for him that would cause me anger. I just work and keep a roof over our heads.
Now he got mad but would not say anything, after all, I am the only one working and paying all the bills. I have no desire to lord it over him but damn, pick a role and play it....be a worker, be a house husband, get off your ass and participate in life already!
He mentioned the other day that he was unhappy with me leaving my coffee cups in the sink and not rinsing them...I felt that old anger rising and asked him if this was a conversation he was ready to open...nope, I thought not...so most of all, take care of you CP. I know it is easy to say that but it really does feel better to be disengaged from their actions.
I swear, I have no idea where this attitude comes into play unless that is fear leaking out of their asses since there is nothing but shit coming out of their mouths!!
Big hugs to you, as one who knows
CP, I was thinking about you.
CP, I was thinking about you. You are wonderful to this man and the girls (even SD12 who could not be saved from her BM).
I get that your DH is depressed, and that sucks, but at a certain point he needs to take accountability for his family including his daughter and you.
I don't believe the man needs to be the breadwinner and outearn the woman, but that doesn't mean I will accept a man being lazy and unproductive which your DH is being. If you wanted him to be a househusband, and that works for your family then do that. But none of this BS where he comes at you telling you to work two jobs while he does nothing all day.
I think you have taken two good steps. Just remember you're doing the right thing. You do not just have loyalty to him and SD, you owe yourself and your bios your loyalty as well. Do not try to make up for SD having crap parents (yes right now your DH is being a crap parent by not supporting her and expecting you to do so) at the expense of your bios.
There's a huge difference
There's a huge difference between a "user/loser" and someone who is having a dip in their professional life.
I professionally and financially crashed in my early 40s due to the crash of the industry I worked in. I did not seek out others to shelter me from the consequences - even though those consequences were not of my making. And yes I was depressed as hell about what had happened to me.
I took a basically entry level job making less than 1/3 of what I'd made previously - I was not "too proud" to take a step back. But I worked my tail off and made a new successful career path for myself.
I am convinced that I could start at Walmart as a minimum wage greeter - but would be able to end up a successful person because I work hard and am not stupid or lazy.
I have known him since we
I have known him since we were teenagers, over half my life. We dated for about 2 years before we got married. I feel like he is a completely different person than the guy I knew. In all the years I have known him, he has always worked until now. In our argument the other day, he said to me, "Who are you? I don't recognize you anymore." My response was that I could ask him the same thing. I just don't know. I've been trying to hold it together for SD9 b/c she has been through so much, but I just don't know if I can do it anymore.
I am big stickler about bills
I am big stickler about bills coming first. I had the money for both the bike and shoes. I wanted to use the gift card for the shoes since I already planned to buy them at Target and the bike was from somewhere else. I wouldn't have bought her a bike if I didn't have enough to get my DD's shoes. Even without the gift card, I could have gotten DD's shoes. It was just the principle of the matter for me, that he actually thought a bike wasn't enough and seemed so ungrateful.
Your post has me seeing
Your post has me seeing red...probably because I'm in a similar situation myself.
Ungrateful is exactly the word. It blows my mind, sometimes.
Wow.. Your story is
Wow.. Your story is heartbreaking. It also makes me really happy I never had kids with my first husband.
I really knew better, neither of us had kids but he WAS a kid. He had trouble keeping a job and it was always "someone else's fault" when he lost them. I was the one who 100% had to keep up with EVERYTHING in the house down to "mommy where are my socks" every damn morning. I mowed the grass, took out the trash, cleaned, cooked AND worked a full time job that paid all our bills. When he DID work, his money went for fun things. I get it, paying bills isn't "fun" but it IS necessary! LOL. I knew having a kid with him would mean I had TWO kids and I was busy enough already haha.
I think the counseling is a good step. He is depressed and probably feels very powerless. The fact that he has to ask to use money is probably emasculating for him on top of all that. But that does NOT excuse the fact that he needs to be a productive partner in your relationship.
I would suggest you writing down some thoughts and then have a serious conversation with him about the status of your relationship both emotional and financial. Find a time when you aren't angry at each other about something and when things are calm and there are no child interruptions.
Here are some things you need to impress upon him.
1. I love you but the way things are going is not working for us.
2. I empathize with your depression over not bringing in money to the household but I am beyond worn thin by the responsibility of doing it all by myself. Me working two jobs while you have none is not going to be a workable solution for us. We need to have you contributing financially and you need to be able to feel like a contributor.
3. I also understand your frustration at not being able to give your kids everything but we are not in a financial position to spend money recklessly. Our primary responsibility is to ensure that kids have a roof over their head, are fed and that they feel loved. Presents and luxuries are not necessary and are something we cannot afford right now.
4. I need you to work with me to find a solution to our problems. What do you think needs to be done for things to improve?
5. Me work till tax time? That doesn't seem reasonable when you aren't working at all and are expecting me to work a 2nd job. I would suggest that you finding a full time job is your primary responsibility but just like I am working a 2nd job, you need to as well. I don't care whether it is walmart or stocking shelves at the grocery store, you need to find at least a part time job in the next 2 weeks.
6. If keeping our relationship together isn't important enough to you to start contributing financially again, then we will be separating. The ball is in your court.
ESMOD, I went through the
ESMOD, I went through the same thing!! My ex couldn't function when the going got tough. He constantly retreated into alcohol and video games. He couldn't even get off his arse from playing video games for 16 hours to take the trash out to garbage can - a distance of 20 feet. For a time, I worked THREE jobs to make ends meet. When he finally got a job (and I calculated), his money went for CS and gaming crap. He actually spent MORE than he earned (yes, my money). I finally got my lady balls and got rid of him.
Afterwards, he STILL had the nerve to try and screw me over. He was willing to mow my grass in exchange for me paying the cell phone bill (we were in a contract with a hefty fine for early termination) until drinking (and being hung over) got in the way of mowing. Told him I'd be selling some of his collectibles (which were still in my house) if he didn't pony up his share (he did). I held on to those collectibles until the phone contract ended and promptly turned off his phone. When he found out I'd traded in my car, he whined about wanting to buy it. Riiiiiiight. He would have defaulted on the payments and left me holding the bag for TWO car payments.
This man-child is now 45, drives a 22yo, rusted-out POS car, can't hold down a job (alcoholic) and has lived with his mommy for the last decade. His twins are 20yo and have NO relationship with him because every time there was a hiccup, he bailed on them. He has a 1yo granddaughter he has never met. Loser for life.
I had one. My first ex-H (not
I had one. My first ex-H (not dear for him), also never could keep a job. I often worked 2 or 3 jobs early in our marriage. Once I finished my education and got a good paying job- we did agree he would be a SAHD, while going back to school. He never went back to school and once the kids were well into school age, instead of getting a job, he was all proud of himself for becoming president of the PTA.
Even all of that would have been OK, except that his hobby was opening up credit cards, running them up to the max and hiding the bills. Tens of thousands of credit card debt (I couldn't stop this, he could just open them using my income without my knowledge because we were married. I was more angry at the lying, hiding, and deceit than the debt. I finally told him no more, if he did it again we would get divorced. He did, and we did. Best decision I ever made.
I truly think the breadwinner
I truly think the breadwinner issue is mostly emotional and is about character and supporting each other much less than it is about $$.
If your family situation requires a certain amount of $$ and a certain amount of work around the house/running around/organizing, that needs to be divided in a way that the adults involved can live with. With respect and appreciaton for the other, and without resentment. That's not how it is for you. Then, like an adult, you talk about it with your partner. But you get backtalk and his emotional issues back instead of problem-solving? Crazy.
You have a partner problem, not an income problem.
I don't know how you make people grow up. I just don't know.