You are here

Still Learning...

Colorado Girl's picture

I've begun down a path that is seemingly different than some . In this world of Stepparenting, everyone is so versatile...but in the end we all seem to feel very similar though. A little bit broken and in the all consuming world of being a Stepmom...a little cast aside. I came to a bit of a conclusion last night and have been trying to wrap my head around it.

A friend of mine pointed out a bad habit of mine. When I am frustated with BM, I refer to her as my husband's exwife rather than as the mother of my stepdaughters. I think this is really only to make myself feel better. DH and her still share the same last name and that 'e' and that 'x' somehow quashes that marital bond for me. But they also share the same last name as my stepdaughters and that is where the true connection lies.

My husband and I are up in arms over all that is BM. The BM in my life is diagnosed, she's bipolar with the usual side dish of BPD. I have witnessed first hand what it's like to hop aboard the Roller Coaster and endure the ups and downs of the ride. Her cycles can be long lasting and even sometimes predictable or she can cycle quickly and have your head spinning. BM is in a cycle right now that is very difficult for me. She is in the euphoric stage of her bipolar swing and is very overwhelming to me. She paints my husband a bright shade of white and I don't care how high my self esteem is capable of being, I struggle. I don't like being around her when she is like this and in all honesty I distance myself as far as I possibly can from the situation. It's a little trick that my therapist taught me. Disengage when you don't feel comfortable, they are not your problem. DH is a big boy, let him deal with his own sh*t. The fight or flight reaction always tilts toward flight when I'm met with this stress. Unfortunately, I miss out on a part of what is important to me.

What about my stepdaughters?

I've erected a wall out of self preservation and I'm failing at what I originally set out to do. I don't want to hate BM and that is where my current path is leading. I want to establish my own boundaries and be able to coexist. Maybe it's not possible for us because of the BPD...but what if it is?

My husband keeps asking me to try. Like a tired two year old, I stomp my feet and keep asking "WHY DO I HAVE TO?!?!"

The girls, Colorado Girl. That's why. I keep missing out on them because of my refusal to be in the same room as her. I did not go to my SD's birthday party and dragged DH out the minute I did finally show up. How is that fair to anybody?

I think there may be a balance. Just because she is black and white thinker doesn't mean I can't still be grey. BM doesn't know how to not hate me and being in the business of extremes, she thinks we need to be best friends instead. We don't have to be friends, but we can still be friend-ly. I just need to learn how to accomplish this when she desperately tries to suck me into her world. (Like swaying her from inappropriate conversations and invitations)

I just need a little faith in myself.

Comments

Sia's picture

can do it! I sure have never been able to find that balance..... I do wish you luck though.

belleboudeuse's picture

"BM doesn't know how to not hate me and being in the business of extremes, she thinks we need to be best friends instead."

You just gave me an a-ha moment. My BM is Bipolar as well (also diagnosed, and very unpredictable). In the early days, she did this, too: tried make DH hate me, then tried to be my best friend, then decided she despised me. But I never really connected her extreme behavior to her BPD and her cycles. That actually makes a lot of sense!

Thanks!

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

sarahbernheart's picture

anyone can do it you can.
you are very Zen...
hugs
K

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

The Principlist's picture

I feel your pain and frustration. We deal with a BiPolar BM as well. I think my saving grace is that the kids live with us and therefore BM has less influence on them. BM makes it her business to try and be June Cleaver to the outside world. She has never once helped the kids in 5 years with HW. No I take that back, she has about 5 times between the two. BUT she has gone and join PTA at the school and goes out and volunteers in SSs class. I used to volunteer, but to avoid any conflicts I backed off. Not only that but she makes it her business to have her face plastered everywhere the kids may or may not be just to say "I'M THE MOM." I could careless that she volunteers because if that is her contribution, so be it as long as I'm not there. It gets very uncomfortable for me when there is an event and she decides to show up. I tell the kids to go and be with her if they choose since I get them all the time. It is no longer hard for me to encourage that even though I must admit that sometimes I would rather not. But those are the times that I need to step outside myself and encourage the kids and reassure them that I am there no matter what. In doing so they are comfortable with going over and hanging out with her and enjoying whatever event it is. It is most uncomfortable when DH is away and not able to be there because that is when I see BM trying to challenge and bully me. Which to me is crazy. She is there for her kids and not me and it should not matter if I am there to support them or not.

As far as parties...BM is just not invited when its our dime. We have tried to no avail. You would have to KNOW the hell that we have endured at her hands and it is not fair to us, the kids or our guests to be in an uncomfortable hostile environment. If BM choses to throw a party we step aside and throw our own separately. That way she can be comfortable around her people and us around ours.

And as far as being frend-ly...NEVER gonna happen. I deal with someone who HATES the very air I breathe. I have never done anything to this woman. I have tried to co-exist and co-parent and all that good stuff. I encourage her kids to call her and share with her the great things that happen to them and even the not so great. I have stepped back and stepped aside to allow her to be a mother, not because I am incapable of parenting the kids but because as a mother I know how it feels to be involved and present in our kids lives so I have tried and I do mean TRIED to afford her that opportunity even while she is NCP. What I have gotten in return is CPS called on me with crazy accusations, lied on to the extent no one could possibly imagine, trash talked about at EVERY chance she gets even when I have NOTHING to do with whatever the situation is and just name called to the tune that you don't want to hear. So, I can understand your confusion and torment there, but as for me I have given up the idea that THAT will ever be the case. Not only that but DH DESPISES the ground she walks on for the crap that she has done to him.

An even sadder reality is that the kids know that BM is struggling mentally yet they hang on her every word most days. Well SS. I can't change that nor do I wish to as I am a firm believer that when they are ready to accept BM as she is they will open their eyes to all things that are her and I don't have to open my mouth giving them reason to hate me. I do now clarify things, but I never set out to change their views and opinions of her. At the rate she's going, she enlightens them herself.

I WISH I had some advice for you, but since you want to have a working relationship with BM obviously my advice to be hands off is not an acceptable solution for you. Good luck with that. I just find that the BPD is so erratic that I can never keep up to be on the same chapter let alone page as BM.

Just because one opens her legs twice, does not a mother make! ~ ME ~ }:-P

Hanny's picture

I have a neighbor that is bipolar, and I have the same problems with her as you all are having with BP BM's. My neighbor is either in your face, and won't leave you alone, or she is so mad at you, she is vandalizing your stuff. She was obviously in one of her downswings once and was over bad mouthing my daughter and her dogs who were staying with me. So instead of just ignoring her, I got in her face, and what did she do that very night, just a few hours later, vandalized my daughter's car (might have been mine, but it wasn't there). Then she will come around and be all nice and friendly. At first I would fall for the 'friendly Kim' each time, then she wouldn't leave me alone, would be sitting on my front porch waiting for me to get home from work - wanting all of my time. Once when I first moved in, she wanted to know why I didn't invite her along to go out with me and my BF (I'd probably known her a matter of 3 months) One time she took off my screen and went through my window to feed my cat, who was perfectly fine, but I just didn't respond to one of her 15 phone calls over the weekend asking what I was doing. Now, I have learned that I have to remain distant no matter what mood she is in, and not too interested in anything she says. I've learned it is best to say nothing more than you have to. And I suppose it is the same way with the BP BMs. Although harder, I'm sure, when there are SKIDS involved. This woman is BP and an alcoholic. She is definitely scary, one neighbor put in motion detector lights, one built a fence that is about 15 feet high, and they've all indicated that it's because of her.

stepwitch's picture

I think you are over-thinking, over-analyzing and being overly-hard on yourself.

Chill...You can't make yourself like your hubby's-ex, why try.?. You aren't "missing out" on anything. That is just something I think DH is telling you because he thinks it is your responsiblity to fix things. Call it like it is. I think you are awesome and if bm can's see that, she is the one hurting herself and her girls, not you.

May be time for another WWF Knockdown.... JK.

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

Rags's picture

Rather than hate try a less emotional and more cerebral approach to your opinion and feelings about BM.

Try contempt, disdain, disgust and the general perspective of detesting the BM.

When my wife lets SpermGrandMa get under her skin spermGrandMa ends up the one in control of the conflict of the moment. Over the years my wife has learned that if she stays calm, focused, direct, assertive and treats SpermGrandMa or BioDad with a general level of contempt and acts professionally that they do not attempt to manipulate nearly as much as when my wife attempts to be considerate, pleasant or gets angry and lets them under her skin.

We have learned after years and years of our own tensions over THEM that we will under no circumstances give them control over us by making us angry. So we just find them to be generally disgusting and reprehensible and treat them accordingly.

We don't react, we act and stay in control. The really cool part of this perspective is that there are little or no associated tensions between my wife and I and rather than ranting after speaking with THEM we get a good chuckle about how pathetic they are when we don't let them get to us.

Try it. It turns getting THEM to squirm in to a tag team sport.

Of course due to the highly contentious and emotional nature of the situation (my SS's best interests) we do get a a little emotional about the situation occasionally. But not nearly as often or to the degree that we used to.

As Bewitched pointed out, with a BiPolar/BPD BM maybe just keeping a consistent level of disinterest regarding BM is the best way to go to minimize your own anxieties over the situation.

My SS's SpermFamily does not have the excuse of a mental/emotional illness. They are just generally pathetic so over the years we have turned exposing their general state of patheticness (is that a word?) and idiocy in to a sport.

Best regards,

Sita Tara's picture

I am just now finding my way to find that balance and I LIVE with SD. I know you will get there one day too. I know it is so extremely hard, and when people say "just disengage" how impossibly overly simple that is. B/c I think you and are very much the same on disengagement- as a matter of fact that's where WE are not gray thinkers. It's all or nothing.

So we can either give up our own happiness and suck it up to let BM/SD run a muck with our feelings, our stress hormones, our complexions (ok that's MY symptom- GOD did you see those pix of my horrible red blotchiness that Sia took? EEK!)

You'll be happy to know and just check out my svelte new FB profile pic to prove it, but my new balancing act of real and healthy disengagement from Borderline behavior is finally paying off in my health and my appearance. I'm returning to the stage and to my dreams of teaching theatre. I'm freer. NOT FREE yet, but freeER. And you can get there too. It's a process and you can't get to it til the epiphanies pop into your head.

My favorite quote from a book Sia ended up buying but I didn't get yet (haven't felt the need to read more yet, but I will my friend, I know I will regress again) was-

"Just b/c you feel manipulated by the BPD doesn't mean their intent is to manipulate you."

And BINGO. Big lightbulb. Painfully bright actually, so much so I was spiraling down into a Flight or Fight- ok MIGRATE at the very least- abyss for several weeks.

And then I landed softly onto a fluffy bit of release...comprehension....and surrender.

As you yourself have told me many times, it's not our job to fix them and we'll kill ourselves or go crazy trying to make sense of them.

Sigh...

Do it with me...

Breatheeeeeeeee and Relaxxxxxxx....

It's ok to miss some things. I have missed most of my SD's things now, and she really doesn't care about it so much. I bet that if you have some things scheduled for you when it's game night (I know your girls are in that sports season soon) they won't even know that you are creating some CG space for yourself.

You DESERVE IT. Just b/c it feels selfish doesn't make it so. I promise.

Much love, many hugs, and some jello shots to you.

Z

"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." ~Geoffrey F. Abert

sarahbernheart's picture

I meant to put a nod to you when I wrote to CG about being Zen!!

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

Sita Tara's picture

I always become UNZenly egocentric whenever "Zen" shows up in any venue!

"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." ~Geoffrey F. Abert

sarahbernheart's picture

well when I wrote I was thinking of you too!!

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

Colorado Girl's picture

In all my reflection I've realized...I'm afraid.

I'm completely embarassed how I reacted to BM the last two times I was around her. It's not who I strive to be.

I don't know how to balance, so I flee. I don't trust my instincts in dealing with her and that makes me anxious.

I really don't hate her, I just don't want to be around her because I always feel bad at some point. I have those difficult emotions...jealousy, contempt, fear... I have hard time getting back to good. So I wonder to myself, why bother?

Because I'm better than that. I think I just need a little space between sometimes. It allows me to slow down and get back to myslef instead the ball of emotions that I become when faced with her Borderline behavior.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

sarahbernheart's picture

is realzing it.
if you can see and admit it then you can work on it.
CG you are such a wonderful please dont be too hard on yourself.

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

Sita Tara's picture

Please realize that when you behave this way toward BM you are simply behaving the way many SM's/BMs behave toward each other when there's not as good a reason to. Part of it is just the nature of the beast when it comes to blended families/ex spouses. REALLY normal. The fact that you can put the kids first so much of the time, the fact that you can have clarity enough at times to feel sympathy for this woman's illness, the fact that you even put this much time into sorting it out....

Is tribute to your character.

I'm afraid sometimes too. Afraid to love SD and let her in yet again, afraid to admit when I'm the one who's contributing, or causing her BPD symptoms to escalate because I'm not being very Zen like or even mom-like or now that I mention it very ADULT like. And SD is a child. My husband's child. My child too.

SD and I are very close to how we used to be from ages 9-11. And THAT is scaring ME right now. I forgot how much I do love her, and how much fun she can be, and how close we can be. I have been considering putting the jewelry box she broke back together (it's the only one of the gifts that is fixable that she broke last year) and putting that pic of us back in it and giving it to her again. I think she would cry now, and be so happy. But what happens next time she's angry and she rips me up, figuratively and literally again?

Scared.

But you and me? We don't live by fear for long, do we. We love by trust, by compassion, by empathy, by route.

It's in our core being to love.

And that's why we have a hard time with those who make it so hard to love or even like them.

So....

breathe some more, drink a little, find something that's just yours to do in the world that you don't have to share....

And embrace these moments as a sign to refuel yourself so you can share what flows over your own cup.

LOVE to you CG.

PS- I may be coming out your way this summer. Shhhh! Don't tell the other SMs!!!! Wink

"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." ~Geoffrey F. Abert

anabihibik's picture

You know, in all I went through, with all your insight, you were the one who got me to not hate the BM in my situation. I pitied her. I hoped for her. I still do, after hearing what he just manipulated her through. Some of it was for the kids' sake, so she'd do the very best for them, and they wouldn't ever lack because of her feelings and reactions. A good part of it was for her sake, though. I really did want her to find true happiness. Although, that was self-serving. I thought if she found it, she'd leave us alone. Having stepped away from ex-fh and all his drama, I still hope for her and for those kids. Partially because I came to love those babies in that short time. But, mostly for her. Because I find it hard to hate anyone. I think you are similar to me in that. I think you have our "two year-old" moments. I think we need to stomp our feet sometimes. But, remember, some of it is in remembering who you can stomp your feet in front of (us) at all times vs. who you can stomp your feet in front of some of the time.

Now, in missing out, if DH made that comment, I think it would be in reference to his feeling pulled away from the party. And, I think you're right; that isn't fair to anyone. And, I think you feel guilt because you know it's unfair to SD and DH and you love THEM. And, I think you feel mad because you feel guilt. To that, I say, start drinking. JK. Well, sort of....

A very wise CG taught me that you put yourself first at certain times, you put DH first at other times, and you put SK's first many times. It's a balance. Make a list of a few simple boundaries to put up again. Give yourself a little bit of that control back. I think you've felt strangely more at war at her than I detected when we first started conversing. Having met your BM, I find it hard to hate her. I feel mostly pity for her. Pity that she rides that roller coaster and she isn't happy. I think she's in awe of you and the wonderful job you do with her girls. I also think she dislikes you for the things she can't do anywhere near as well as you do for the girls. Those are two extreme emotions that I think any BM who deals with a great SM is going to feel at times. Don't hate the hater. Smile Can you imagine me saying that in person? Made you smile.

Seriously, back to disengaging. You can disengage in multiple ways. You are very talented at doing my favorite kind. When she starts an inappropriate topic of conversation, change the subject. Disengage from the subject. I know it's hard with her. But, you know that if you compliment her on something with the girls, she'll be putty in your hands.

I may just drive myself down there and fill your freezer with a week's worth of yummy things to say thanks for the move. Then, at least, I'd see you. I've been seeing our downtown friend a couple times a week lately. Love you much. Here if you need me. I can always come down and distract her for you for a bit.

To every thing there is a season.

The Principlist's picture

You are so sweet. Your reponse touched me and I'm not torn in how to handle my BPD BM. But I did find stuff that I can take and apply. You are wise for your years young one and I am so glad that you are now in a good place minus Ex-Idiots drama. Truly a person to have in your corner. The offer to distract BM shows true character that you would endure her for the sake of your friend. Awwwwwwwww. I just want to hug you. Smile

Just because one opens her legs twice, does not a mother make! ~ ME ~ }:-P

Colorado Girl's picture

Our downtown buddy. I knew you would love her. She loves you too, she had nothing but nice things to say. Smile That makes me so happy.

Most times I really do pity BM as well. I wish her nothing more than a little peace. I've come to some serious conclusions that it may never be possible. I think peace and serenity actually causes the opposit effect on her than most...she actually becomes anxious when there is not drama. She has no sense of self and a low self esteem, so when the waters are calm she focuses too much on herself....and that causes her pain. So she will find something else to focus on by creating crisis.

It's exhausting to those of us who enjoy the calm waters.

Anyways, my door is always open for you. My freezer as well. Wink I love you too, my friend. Thank you.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley