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Yet another WTF moment

CLove's picture

So, I love Social Media. But right now I hate it.

My DH JUST #1. sent me a meme about step parents loving their step kids like they were their own.

My Dh just posted a lovely cartoon strip showing two bio parents with their baby, her breastfeeding, and they are all crashed on the couch together, her breastfeeding just like I imagine he and toxic troll did back in the day. Both characters googly eyed over fat baby.

I am really hurt. We never had that. I have no bios. I wished I did. He knows this.

For some reason that cartoon posting really crushed me.

Here is a link to it. The cartoons of the couple with the newborn infant. She has dark red hair in real life (toxic troll), and he has black hair, but is asian.

https://www.facebook.com/pg/SoMeeOfficial/photos/?tab=album&album_id=609...

***

Edit. My response to him.

You really just don’t get it.

You are a man, and you have children.Thats why do not understand. The hurt and emotion of missing out on all that,even the bad stuff like puke and poo. The problem isnt Todic Troll its YOU. You dont even TRY to understand how it feels to not be able to have children. To have that well of sadness, and sense of loss of a child you never had. Why do you think I am helicopter step mom? Why do you think I "care too much"? I mean, really how insensitive are you that your ONLY response to my hurt feelings is anger and accusation.

Edit: His response

"I’m sorry you look at it this way. I picked you because you don’t have kids and your very kind and sweet. If you linger on with stuff like thinking you missed out then that’s your own issues you need to be happy with your life and don’t have hurt feelings that you didn’t have kids it may be what god into (sic intended) for you. Just be happy you are fine and somewhat healthy and live your life to the fullest and stop beating yourself up with this bs."

Comments

CLove's picture

His humor and mine are different.

Siemprematahari's picture

Ask him why he felt the need to post that??? If it's something you both didn't share why would he do that?? I'd want answers and let him know it doesn't sit well with you and to never do it again.

CLove's picture

was "it was funny, it has nothing to do with you, get your head in the right place and go about your day..."

I told him it really hurt me. And that was his response. Im apalled at his insensitvity. I thought things were really great between us. We had a little disagreement on Sautrday. Bu I thought we were good.

ITB2012's picture

was only thinking of himself, not on the affect of his actions on others, foremost on you.

susanm's picture

Wow.  Way to add insult to injury, dude!   If you love someone, the words "You hit a sore spot with that, I am really hurt" should bring an immediate "I am so sorry."  Not "too bad, get over yourself."  Even if you think they are being overly sensitive, the point is that someone you love is hurting and you are the cause.  You can address the potential oversensitivity on the subject later if you really think it is necessary.

I would want to examine what is at the root of his lack of concern for your feelings.  Not so much for posting the cartoon.  That was thoughtless and could have been easily remedied.  But his response when you brought it up was really questionable,  Hugs to you!

Edited to add - Just saw the actual cartoons.  WTF is he thinking???  No.  Those are not just thoughtless.  If he wants to idealize and practically fetishize parent/infant interaction then he can but to have it in the face of a childless no-by-choice SM is truely unkind and self-absorbed.

CLove's picture

but see above, it was basically "if you feel like you missed out, those are YOUR issues".

I think that Im going to need some time alone.

blessedwithstress's picture

That is some seriously insensitive BS right there. Might be a good idea to unfollow his FB feed for a while so you aren't exposed to his brand of 'humor'. 

CLove's picture

always something.

His humor and mine are very different obviously.

His sensitivity and mine are different.

I just dont know what to do with this.

advice.only2's picture

I agree with Simpre I would ask him what the breast feeding comic means, is there some hidden message here that you aren't getting?

As for the meme he sent you just untag yourself from it, and if he gets upset ask him what he's talking about...Fakebook glitches all the time right?

Siemprematahari's picture

"it was funny, it has nothing to do with you, get your head in the right place and go about your day..."

Wow so he thinks it's funny and dismissing your feelings and telling you to get your head in the right place? Yeah he can go f@ck himself, thank you very much!

What a guy to simply make light of something that bothered you......

CLove's picture

I have really been questioning the rightness of us together. Sometimes its so incredibly RIGHT.

And then I get thrown for a loop. He tells me now, "Im gonna shut my FB down, or block you because you cannot handle my humor, and are an emotional wreck." I had told him it made me want to cry. And that was his response.

Just wow.

Dovina's picture

What an insensitive jerk. 

You generally write how supportive your DH is, but this is not good!

HUGS

CLove's picture

I posted the link to all of them in my original post.

ITB2012's picture

Did he make any statement about it?

If he doesn't have a wee one right now, it's a bit odd.

susanm's picture

I was unable to have children and it is still very painful all these years later.  I would be very hurt by the lovey-dovey parents and infant pictures.  Especially the one on the couch with the wife breast feeding and cupping the sleeping husband's face.  If that is the one you are referring to and he blew you off so cruely, he has clearly spent no time at all contemplating what it must be like to be you.  I am really sorry.    Sad

CLove's picture

yes, that one especially hurt. He really and truly doesnt get it one iota.

Because he has children

Because he is a MAN.

Maybe thats it.

But you would think he would at least try to be aware of hurt feelings.

susanm's picture

I figured that was the one.  So sorry, girl.  Looking at it stirred saddness in me.  I can only imagine how you felt when it was your H who posted it and then you got that reaction on top of it all.  I would definitely be retreating and licking my wounds for a bit while thinking very deep thoughts.

ESMOD's picture

Was he referring to the baby comic strip?  because.. I don't know many adult men that are not currently the parents of infants that are IN that situation who would be posting or retweeting that.

 

CLove's picture

it is really beyond me.

I posted a link above.

singledadsgf89's picture

Wow.  This actually hurt my feelings. I'm sorry OP.  You are not being over-sensitive.  Don't be gaslighted into feeling that way.  Your feelings are valid.

hereiam's picture

"it was funny, it has nothing to do with you, get your head in the right place and go about your day..."

I can't, for the life of me, figure out what was funny about the meme or the cartoon strip. Can somebody help me out, here?

I think he needs to get his head out of his ass.

"Im gonna shut my FB down, or block you because you cannot handle my humor, and are an emotional wreck."

Wow, indeed.

So sorry, Clove.

 

 

CLove's picture

I think I made a BIG mistake in being with someone this insensitive. Just wow.

ESMOD's picture

I went to the link and looked.. I think I've seen this and I think it's kind of a "reality vs fantasy" comparison.. like.. people think it will be two parents looking adoringly at the kid as he is eating but in reality they are completly exhausted and half passed out.

But this is the kind of joke that a parent ACTIVELY in that phase might post.. not really a guy who had this situation a long time ago.

CLove's picture

Hes posting about his past. Like a "good old days" thing, that included 20 years of Toxic Troll, rather than me.

He often comments that Toxic Troll has neanderthall thinking, doesnt understand intracacies of other people feelings. He was with her that long for a reason.

ESMOD's picture

Are these posts funny?  Kind of I guess.  I don't have kids and I guess I could see "sharing" this on FB and tagging my OSD.. who has a toddler and another one on the way.. because it would be relevant to her current proximate life.

But some guy that had his last kid 20 years ago ... it's just really strange that THIS is the kind of thing he is gravitating to enough to want to actually "share" it on his timeline instead of just having a chuckle and moving along.  Does he have kids with babies that maybe he was posting this to them?

Jcksjj's picture

What an f'ing moron. First of all what a weird thing for a man to post at all. Second, he would have to be brain dead to think that wouldn't obviously be throwing his past and what you never got to experience in your face. 

CLove's picture

But it is really telling, his reaction to my comment of being hurt by it. I posted a link to it above.

Monkeysee's picture

Wow, I don’t know what to say, asides from your DH is being an insensitive pr*ck. If my DH posted something like that before we had our BK I’d be hurt AND pissed. Of course it’s going to make you think of him being with TT, he’s a total moron for thinking you’re the one with the problem. What an ahole. 

tog redux's picture

OK, I'm with the others, WTF? Why would a man whose youngest child is 13 be posting "funny" things about having a baby?  Just bizarre.

But I'd be most hurt by his reaction to you. What a jacka$$. 

Mominit's picture

Not every picture, but I can actually see why a few of these made him laugh.  Holding the baby up for a picture and getting vomited on (been there, done that), wearing full miliitary gear to change a diaper (been peed on a few times!).  For whatever reason they struck him as funny, cute, bringing up good memories.  And he posted it. 

Was he a jerk with his reaction to you.  Only you can tell.  Maybe he was.  But your reaction to something he found funny was to get upset that he was reminisicing about when his kids were little, or possibly just found it funny - and you got upset with him because you don't share that experience with him.  My sister doesn't have kids.  If she got ticked off at me for posting funny things about having kids and making my posts all about her, I too would suggest she might want to take a step back from social media.

No he wasn't sensitive, and yes he may have been being a jerk.  But he has kids.  He shouldn't have to shut that whole part of his life away, never to be laughed at or spoken of again.  I don't think he was focused on the breast feeding picture.  I think he was just remembering when he had little ones.

ESMOD's picture

I can see the humor in those cartoons.. but I would see no reason to "repost" them on my facebook.  That's the thing.. he didn't just take them in.. ah.. look funny.. and move on.  he felt he had to share it.

I think his response to her was a bit callous too.  And the "love stepkids as your own".. that barb too?  He is being obtuse.

Monkeysee's picture

Comparing your sister’s reaction to you posting memes & CLoves husband posting them is apples & oranges. You aren’t married to your sister, and her romantic history doesn’t impact you in the same way as a spouses history does. Not in the slightest.

His youngest kid is 13, it’s odd to post things about babies, and I think most people would be uncomfortable that he’s reminiscing about times spent with his ex - an ex who’s also incredibly toxic & continues to create drama in CLove’s life.

You might be totally cool if your DH posted this crap, but CLove isn’t. I wouldn’t be either. 

CLove's picture

Im 5 years into this, and every day, every other day, every week its SOMETHING.

Im tired. And sometimes the lightest "straws" break the camels back.

It sucks that I feel this way, but must take responsibilites for my feelings they belong to me. His reactions were over the top toxic. He and Toxic Troll might not be so different, and I just did not see it. I dont know right now. We have been having disagreements here and there. He just always sais the wrong things, I dont think on purpose, just they are so wrong. There have been other isntanes of cruelty from him, so. This was my straw.

How can someone be so right for you one day and then so wrong the other. Perhaps the wrong just shows itself in small tiny imcrements and then after  a while you look back and say "wow, how did I get here from there?"

ksmom14's picture

I'm sorry you're going through this Sad

I understand where you're coming from, with your spouse seeming to be so insensitive, always having to be right in an argument, as well as going off the deep end when there is an issue (shutting down his facebook), my DH does ALL of these things, and I've found myself questioning our relationship a lot myself.

My DH and I had a disagreement months ago about me going out with some girlfriends for dinner, he does not like girls only outings, feels it's basically a husband bashing night, and that it's rude to exclude him (or the other husbands). I on the other hand appreciate my time I can have with my girlfriends, but still only do it once in a while. When I mentioned to him that I knew his weekly bowling league was important to him and a fun outlet for him to get away from responsibility for a bit and that I wanted to be able to have that too, he literally QUIT his bowling league that night.

I hope y'all can work it out, and he can see that even though it may not have been his intention to hurt you, that it did and he needs to be more sensitive! 

hereiam's picture

Well, that was his choice to quit his bowling league (and a dumb one, if just to prove a point), I hope you still go out with your girlfriends.

 

ksmom14's picture

I do go out with them still, it definetly became kind of a hill to die on for me. I felt like he was isolating me and I DID NOT like that. He's not a fan of my girls nights, but he deals

CLove's picture

We all have our sore spots.

I just think that maybe I need time to myself.

CLove's picture

I am also feeling isolated. AFter last weekend when i was able to see friends and re-connect I realized that I am missing out on a ton.

CLove's picture

I simply have no additional responses except he really DOESNT get it.

There are many differences between us, humor wise but also personality wise. Educational background wise...all of it. Upbringing.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Holy hell, your DH was an arse in his response. Why couldn't he just say "hey, I'm sorry, that wasn't my intention"? And if he has an issue with how you value yourself, he can bring it up later, face-to-face.

The "maybe that's what God intended" is what would have sent me over the edge. God INTENDED for this subject to bring you pain? He INTENDED for you to ache for a child? WTF kind of God is your "D"H believing in and listening to if THAT is his response?!

I want to punch your Dumbarse Husband and take you to see puppies or something. Calling him an ass is too kind.

hereiam's picture

I just read his latest response. Really, what an asshole.

I guess you are supposed to feel lucky and fulfilled that he "picked" you.

singledadsgf89's picture

Omg I just read it too and my mouth actually dropped open.  "Just be happy you are fine and somewhat healthy."  I would call the cops on myself if my SO ever even twisted his mouth to begin such a stupid sentence TF!

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Oh Honey, I'm sorry. If I were there, I'd give you a big hug.

Maybe I'm a bi!ch, but no way would I let this pass without punishment. That's the problem with being sweet and supportive - these men get too comfortable and start taking us for granted.

Quit being such a sure thing, Clove.

This man needs to LEARN how to be a better H to you, and he needs to FEEL the FEAR that he could lose you. Your sacrifices should matter, and he should appreciate them. You basically took a vow of poverty when you chose him, when you could have married up and possibly explored other pathways to parenthood.

Pack a bag Clove, and stay elsewhere for a few days. Go No Contact. Let him miss you, and realize he drove you away. Let him feel lonely and wonder how he's going to make ends meet.

This is how you school a man like ours. I've done it, and it worked.

 

CLove's picture

I will have to delay punishment because we are deep in the house purchase "adventure In paperwork" - so in essence, the house purchase is the only thing I really need from him. Perhaps this weekend I can disappear for a bit. Its not like he doesnt now know I am REALLY hurt and upset.

I see you are right, though - he needs to FEAR losing me. His previous wife, she was disposable. I gues she feels that I am diposable as well. We shall see, because I am also into punishment...

Livingoutloud's picture

I have one kid, couldn’t have more. If my DH told me that G-d intended me to not have more kids or in fact anything that he said in his response, rude and arrogant response oh no. Don’t tolerate stuff like that.

The issue is that women marry insensitive jerks and then are surprised that their husbands are insensitive jerks. That’s who they were before marriage and that’s who they are after. In addition he doesn’t want you to go out with girlfriends? Screw that. A$$hole.

Nothing to do with his sense of humor. He is a jerk and he doesn’t value you. Stop being a doormat please 

CLove's picture

I didnt see him as an insensitive jerk before, but perhaps I had my "rose colored glasses" on, wanted the house wanted a husband. He played along, because he saw my parents buying the house and all that. Ive got an awesome job now. So he can let the walls come down, show his true self.

Im over it all, this was my breaking point.

I simply want nothing to do with him.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Your parents own the house. Maybe this is a good time to change the locks?

Remind him where the power really lies.

 

CLove's picture

If I cant buy the house my parents are selling it - they want to get rid of the thing. So I would lose the house.

Im going to take some time to figure things out.

Maybe this is "Gods intention" - for me to see who he really is before too long and I have to pay HIM alimony. At least I know him a bit better and shall withdraw quit a bit.

Its tough to realise that the person you thought was your person is displaying the qualities of someone you want to run far and fast away from. Perhaps we are just too different.

Letti.R's picture

This just goes from bad to worse.
I am so sorry this insensitive, inconsiderate arse has caused you pain.
He needs a demotion - from H to EX.

CLove's picture

yeah. Ive heard the first year married is the hardest but this first year sucks.

tog redux's picture

Our first year married wasn't hard. First year living together was a big adjustment, for sure.  Those could be one and the same for some people.

I'm not a romantic at all, but if I told DH I didn't feel loved, he'd be horrified and bend over backwards to show me that I am.  He IS a romantic, so sometimes I feel close to smothered, lol.  But never not loved. You should not feel that way when you are a newlywed.

 

Letti.R's picture

I have not been married - called off my wedding before being tumbled into a real stephell - but I have never dated anyone who has shown me this amount of disregard or disrepect - and I have been and am currently in a long term relationship.
This is not about the first year of marriage or first year of co-habiting being the hardest, this is about your H's attitude to your feelings and it is shockingly callous and indifferent. 
Please don't think this sort of behaviour is ok or needs to be tolerated.

CLove's picture

basically I was a b!tch all night and no nookie for him the morning.

thats the consequences he understands.

Livingoutloud's picture

That’s urban myth. Made to justify bad marriages. Newlyweds   are supposed to be happy. Marriage doesn’t even supposed to be hard. You just have to marry right person, then it’s not hard. 

ESMOD's picture

First year?  I really don't think that should be the case.. I mean, maybe back in the day when kids were basically going from their parent's home to the marital home.. learning to adult and to take care of themselves .. might be hard.  But there is no way that you should feel unloved or unappreciated in your first year.

Now, guys can be doofuses.. they can be terrible gift buyers.. they can be dense.. and "hints" don't tend to work well.  Unfortunately, even with my adoring and loving husband.. I have had to be specific in my expectations for holidays and celebrations..lol.  It's hard to do because obviously, we have had our share of struggles financially.. and asking for material things can strike me as selfish.. and it's hard to put myself first.

But, my husband.. together 16 years.. still tells me I am beautiful.. He tells me.. "you look so pretty" after I get ready in the morning.  Fat or thin.. he shows me that he is happy to be with me.  I feel valued.. even when we don't have much in the bank to celebrate with.

Some of the things that would make you feel valued don't even cost a dime.. but it is hard to watch someone treat themselves to international fishing trips when a weekend getaway is pulling teeth.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

That freakin' asshat.

CLove, I hope you, at the very least, un-fiend him on FakeBook. I'm sorry, honey. {{{hugs}}}

CLove's picture

He generally posts funny stuff, stalks my account to see who has liked my stuff and see whos stuff I have liked. So its probably best to unfriend him and stay away from the house for a while.

CLove's picture

1. crabby Clove

2. No affection or googly eyes

3. no nookie in the am.

He got the point.

He bought me an expensive fish. That is all.

Jcksjj's picture

Wow that response is awful. He must not value his own kids very much if he thinks it should be easy to deal with you not having any. Which makes me question even more why he posted the dumb cartoons.

I had a miscarriage before MDS was born and it was beyond devastating even with already having a child. I could hardly even stand to look at SD the day after it happened because I (irrationally, yes) hated her existence and the fact the she was born accidentally but now we had lost one we both really wanted. I dont think i could handle being in your place dealing with his kids and not being able to have my own, and definitely not after those heartless comments of his. He doesnt deserve your love or support.

CLove's picture

His kids were both accidents. They (he and Toxic Troll) were told that they would never be able to have children, and thought the eldest was at first a bladder infection. So, who knows. He pays lip service to "children are gifts". But idk. His children are having issues  - munchkin hasnt been to the dentist in over 2 years, and keeps asking to get her eyes checked, and yet he can go to mexico on a fishing trip. Munchkin is 50lbs overweight...

So, its a valid thought. If he cared about them, then he would understand why I am sad NOT having kids.

Weird. Thanks for your perspective.

 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

You are the last person who deserves this kind of treatment. Your DH is a complete jerk. There is no way he couldn't have known that cartoon would effect you in a negative way. And even if he didn't know, his response to your hurt was insensitive and wrong. You do so much for him and his daughter and this is how he treats you? What a jerk.

Take some time and start really looking at your life together. You deserve much better.

Scroll down a ways from the cartoons - there is a lovely picture of a man in a tub that might make you feel a tiny bit better!

Simpleton21's picture

Wow, I would be upset if I were you also.  I agree with others.  Take a break.  Don't communicate with him.  Stop taking care of his children. He truly doesn't deserve you. I was upset with something my DH posted on fb once and he didn't get it.  Not nearly the same as what your idiot husband posted but I explained.  I ended up just deleting my fb for a while and it was nice not having fb.  I didn't miss fb and the drama it created.  I only reactivated my fb when my youngest was in the hospital so I could update family/friends without having to send a million texts.  Go enjoy your money and have a spa day or a pedicure or something.  Also with the wedding bands I get that.  We also didn't have a big budget for a wedding or rings.  I have my gma's ring (priceless to me but not big) and he has his dad's band.  But even though we didn't have a huge budget he still went ring shopping with me and made sure I had a pretty band with small diamonds that I love.  You deserve that too!