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The totally (non) romantic (non) vacation of CLove, and her man

CLove's picture

Whelp. Happy Monday I am so glad you are here!

The vacation started out great. We lazed around until the last minute and then a flurry of packing (on my list of what NOT to do next time). SD15 Backstabber-now-refered to as Munchkin Wife, was all packed up early. She seemed excited and happy and on best behavior the whole day before.

We had a friend who would come over and take care of the dragon, two rabbits, cat and dog. He hangs out ever week so everyone knows him well by now anyway. Nice chap.

So our itinerary was such that we would drive 8 hours, get set up in our hotel room-for-the-day and drop DH off to the docks for his overnight fishing trip that would start at 8 pm.

Drove down through 100 degree dry heat. Traffic. Get to our destination and its wam muggy and overcast. Dh started complaining "no sun!" and it was 75 degrees. SD15 starts complaining too, about overcast "Im probably going to be BORED with no sun!!!" like the perfect little parrot.

Traffic trafficand more traffic. Dh continues his complaining about missing his big fishing trip. We check into hotel, nice valet takes our luggage to room and we zoom off to docks. I drop him off with 45 minutes to spare. stickle bur Munchkin Wife sticks to his side like they are glued together "what are you doing, when will you be back here...?" etc. 

We get to the hotel and check out the room with partial ocean view. Sd15 oohs and aaahs and then gets her electronics set up to start her texting. I ask if shes ready for dinner, she is and we start walking the super crowded board walk. I know the area because I lived there for 15 years, its a college/resort town so lots of people. We find a Thai place and shes open to trying a few things. I order, she picks at her food, I eat my pile theres plenty of leftovers and I just say "ok, so if you are hungry later, you have something!" We conk out immediately.

Next morning I let her sleep in, get some coffee and walk around. We go for breakfast bagels and head for our snorkel tour, which we were really excited about. It was the "skark encounter". shes never snorkeled before and I have extensively so I was sure that things would work out ok. Boy was I wrong! We got there late, and missed the tour. Got in our spring suits anyway, got our equipment and went out anyway. She threw up once and freaked out over the fins, so we went in. the whole time I told her she could stop and it was ok. She wanted to try again. No sharks showed up. We went for a nice lunch somewhere and then rested at hotel. I picked up DH, and oohed and awed over the fish. Of course SD was stuck like glue to his side. Blah blah. Ok, normal stuff. I guess.

Went to hotel, with fish. DH got a shower and was super hungry so we went for something togo, because all restaurants were full with lines, and super super crowded. He had to have steak. So, I searched around and found ONE place with steak in the whole town. Got Sd a full meal of something, which she never ate. There goes a 30$ meal. I just had peices of steak and some apps. Didnt order a meal. Ok, well, thats fine we are on vacation right? Its normal to waste food. Its expected.

Spent the night with full ocean view, rested and tomorrows another day right? Saturday walk around, see things, buy things. SD stuck like glue, pushing in between us walking, me with hurting feet walking behind. We get lunch/brunch. SD gets an acai bowl, but picks at it because it wasnt what she expected. Ok, get me another margarita please! Its hot, the sun is out (yay, because otherwise we would be BORED) and now they are complaining because they are "cooking" its too sunny. We go out to the beach and hit the waves. That was fun actually. No one complaining. Just the normal "wheres dad? Whats he doing?" But we got some beach time, I taught her some water tricks. All good right? Oh no. Things are JUST about to get bad.

We are hungry. Ocean does that to you. I hear of a nice sushi place, with high recomendations (of course after we eat I get to hear how it wasnt any good...). We walk there, SD pushing in between us and them walking ahead of me leaving me behind. Last nights walk I said something like "hey dont leave me behind, my feet hurt and Im not in shape to walk fast in the dark". Tonight I stuffed it down but said something under my breath.

We get to the (super croweded) place and put our names in. SD sits there glued to DH. I say something like "WOW" and walk away, because at this point Im tired and hungry and just fed up with SD15 Munchkin Wife.

DH comes at me with guns blazing. "Thats just sickening how jealous you are of her!!!" (to sd) "Shes jealous of you sitting next to me." I responded with "you guys have been excluding me and walking ahead of me and gee Id like to sit next to my husband we are after all trying to celebrate our anniversary...but hey Im over it". Yep, folks he actually yelled at me in front of sd. I cant really blame her at this point its ALL him.

Im sickened in relating all this.

SD scooted over, and I did not even want to sit there next to him. He quieted down, and I did not even feel like eating, but I did. We all were on our best behavior, but quiet.

I insisted we take a walk together. We were going to hash this out.

ME: "That was totally uncalled for. The entire trip you two have been excluding me. You two walk far ahead of me and dont wait up. My feet were hurting and you couldnt slow down. What the actual F@ck was THAT, and how is THAT me being JEALOUS? Im not jealous except of how you treat me as the side chick when im SUPPOSED to be your wife walking beside you."

ALSO ME: "You do NOT yell at me EVER again in front of that child. I have bent over backwards taking care of that child, trying to help her have a good time and taking EXCELLENT care of her while you went off and left us to go fishing. Do not ever yell at me like that again. Further, she COPIES you in EVERYTHING. She is IMPRINTING on how to have relationships - do you REALLY want her to be with someone who yells at her all the time? Do you really want her to imprint on a relationship that is unloving and disharmonius?"

HIM: "I do not agree with that at all. NO I did nothing wrong its all you".

ME: "Then we do not see eye to eye at all. You are a stubborn stubborn man." Other things were said...but essentially I got it all out without cussing.

They were both pleasant and sweet and nice after that. They walked with me, I was able to sit with husband, the complaining lessened a little bit...

DH even made the comment that "next time we can really have more fun because we wont be lugging the kid along". Bingo.

So why did I even do this? My parents asked me the same thing, here is what I wrote them:

1. It was a sort of test. I thought maybe SDMunchkin Wife and I could bond if we were doing something fun together. She was on her phone texting Kansas City the whole time she was with me. When snorkling, she was fine. During meals it was silent and texting. So now I know how things will go. I needed to see it for myself and then also have DH see it for himself. Of course she was all over him and up his butt so thats what he saw.

2. Now we dont have to feel guilty about doing a REALLY nice trip for OURSELVES. Right? You feel sort of guilty I guess, when you have kids, and they really want to go on trips with you...parent guilt that Im observing but just do not feel. DH even said it "next time we can enjoy ourselves because we wont be 'lugging around kiddo'". LOL. I took the brunt of it the first day when he took off fishing, but then the rest of the time...haha. I got silence and texting, she was up his butt most of the time! 

3. DH paid for the Hotel/Parking, most food and anything for her. She got inheritance $ so she could buy her own stuff. So it wasnt a big chunck out of my pocket, and it would answer #1. So...I thought I could skate off and do my own thing and leave them to it. Enjoy the time off, and they could do their thing. Problem happened when DH said "no we stick together". And all my plans were sort of thrown to the side. Ive lived there before and know some fun little driving tours, with stories. But nope. We did what DH wanted to (since he was paying), and that was walking around...ok...

So - in answer to that question - should I take a vacation with DH/SO and the kids? Answer would be no.

In answer to that question I will inevitably get and am still trying to cormulate and answer - did CLove have any fun? Well, its mixed, but definitely was hard, a lot of work, and not THAT much fun that I would repeat the experience with SD. It will be a while before I will go on a trip with wet blanket DH.

Just say no to crack, meth, and skid-cations

Comments

Aniki's picture

CLove, definitely no more skid-cations AND stop trying to bond with SDMW. Just stop. You can be polite and pleasant but you do not have to bond. 

CLove's picture

Last ditch effort before going full on disengaged. After all the drama at the restaurant I doubt she will ever want to hang with me again (yay!).

She stopped a long time ago, in reality, wanting to do girl stuff with just me. Its either with dH, and myself or just him. 

We were all polite and pleasant. I was hanging on by a thread, but it was a polite pleasant thread.

CLove's picture

And then a complete Arse. Its either or and sometimes in the middle.

What I realised is us non-bio steppers cannot play happy family on vacation. Kids will be annoying kids, and they arent OURS, they are someone elses. So we work (its WORK) and help, and make things nice for someone elses kids.

ANd now Im sure Toxic Troll will get some kind of story.

lieutenant_dad's picture

You can 100% play, and be, a happy family while on vacation. I just did it, complete with two teenagers and a 16-hour car trip each way. And we went to a place that YSS had zero, zilch, nada desire to go to.

It has nothing to do with lacking bios and everything to do with the respect shown to us by our spouses and SKs. Your SD was behaving how I'd expect any kid who knows they've effed up with a SP to act. She wasn't comfortable with you because she burned that bridge and she knew it. She even discovered before your DH that she was behaving inappropriately with him and she swiftly corrected that behavior.

Your DH kicked off the sh*t-fest by being in a crabby mood about traffic (reasonable), then being in a crabby mood about the heat (semi-reasonable), and then excluding you (not reasonable and I have no idea how he didn't notice). He took a weekends worth of frustration at things not attributed to you and dumped them on you after you brought his inappropriate behavior toward you to his attention. Granted, you could have been less passive-aggressive with the delivery. But the way to address that was to say "hey, I hear you and my apologies, but no need to be passive aggressive with me." Not to throw a bigger tantrum.

And why was he throwing tantrums anyway?! He went on an overnight fishing excursion ON YOUR ANNIVERSARY TRIP, THAT HE DRAGGED HIS DAUGHTER ALONG ON, AND LEFT HER ALONE WITH YOU IN SPITE OF HER TREATMENT TOWARDS YOU.

I've capitalized all of that to emphasize that HE, like most times in your relationship, got what HE wanted. HE got to play Big Daddy Hero by bring SD on a trip, but then he didn't have to actually plan anything for her OR be alone with her. Then he thanks you by being yelling at you because you're upset that you've gotten to spend exactly zero time alone, and zero time with him, on your ANNIVERSARY trip.

And he tops it all off by telling you that he doesn't agree with you, but then behaves like everything is fine. Do you know why he did that? Because he KNOWS he effed up, and instead of admitting it, he'll just give you what you want to appease you and close out his idiot tab for the trip.

CLove, this trip was a nightmare, but not because you're bioless or because SD was a terror. In fact, SD sounds like she behaved pretty normally for a teen. Your trip was a nightmare because your DH cared more about himself than anyone else, and when confronted with that fact, he threw you under the bust.

I don't care if he sh*ts gold, he was atrocious.

CLove's picture

So much to process. I see the truth in your words. No doubt I am placing too much blame on SD as is the common trap. And not enough responsibility on DH.

Disillusioned's picture

Well said lieutenant_dad and I agree with every word of that! 

CLove, my DH uses to do the same thing with YSD. Every Wednesday evening and every weekend she was with us, we just had to take her out for dinner (don't even get me started on that) and DH and her would walk up ahead together like they were the couple and I wasn't even connected to them

He also would do this with SIL, and even started that one time with BM at an event that we were at and the three of us walking into together

Anyway I never said a word to DH in front of SD (she would just be gloating and bragging how I was jealous of her of course - good one!) but I finally set DH straight and said that behavior needed to end now. SD didn't have to walk along behind us, she could certainly walk up in front, or we could all walk together, but I was not trailing behind like a second-class citizen

It took DH a while to get it and continued this until I just stopped joining them on dinners and weekends and told DH it would continue until he treated his wife like his wife and his daughter like his daughter 

He finally got it and it got better!

Gimlet's picture

Good lord I missed that this was an anniversary trip.  

You said this better than I could, Lt. Dad.

And yes, some of his pouting was more understandable, I'm just over him expecting the world of CLove and then not having her back. 

Gimlet's picture

I mean, just say no to vacations with your pouty husband too.  I would be WAY more pissed at him than anything. 

1. Pouted because he was going to be late to go fishing (and funny how fast the "no CLove alone with SD" thing got tossed to the side, huh?)

2. Pouted over perfectly nice weather.

3. HAD to have a steak (or I bet he would have pouted!) 

4. Left you behind the whole time when going places.  How rude and that was on him to correct.

5. Made a comment about you TO SD.  And then yelled at you in front of her.  Way to show her that she doesn't have to respect you either.

6. Wouldn't "let" you go off on your own.  Why not?  Because he paid??  That's controlling AF, and we all know the real reason is because he doesn't want to parent his own kid.  Sure, he can make snarky comments to her but he sure as shit doesn't want to entertain her without you.

Yeah, SD is a brat and you have every reason to be annoyed with her teen drama (and what was with her throwing up??), but there is no way I would ever be taking a trip with him again.  But if you do, make sure that if you pay for something, you get to dictate how it goes.

CLove's picture

Or maybe its the presentation of a family type thing. Like we can play happy family on vacation thing.

Yes, hes a pouter. 

And Im planning on changing the dynamics REALLY quickly in my favor as to finances. Its simply not worth it for him to shoulder the cost and me have to put up with SD Munchkin Wife.

salt water and a bagel sandwhich will cause anyone to barf...

It will be a long time before next trip.

Gimlet's picture

The thing is, CLove, is that even if he pays (and he should if he's taking SD), why does that mean he gets to decide everything?

DH and I take turns paying for trips and I would never think of that translating into my being able to dictate what we do. 

You deserve better (and not just the trip).

CLove's picture

Its always been a financial power play. He gets to decide if hes paying. I just accepted that.

Merry's picture

The financial imbalance at my house is pretty big (in my favor). But that never comes into play as to what we do, as a couple or individually, with our time as long as it is within the household budget or whatever I shake loose from the money that is solely mine.  I can't imagine telling DH that he couldn't explore a place he used to live because I didn't want to and since I paid for it I get my way.

If it makes DH happy, have at it. If I want to go along, great. If I don't, also fine. Because he wants ME to be happy as well.

 

Livingoutloud's picture

Yeah even if spouses have separate bank accounts, holding something over your spouse's head because you paid is not how marriages operate. It's supposed to be partnership and team work. By this crazy logic if a man asks you out, you must chose to eat what he approves on a menu. Insane. This guy isn't even a random man but legal spouse.

If DH didn't allow me to enjoy myself because he paid for something, he'd be traveling alone. There are travel groups, girlfriends, family members for travel, or one can travel alone. If I was broke and couldn't pay for my own vacation, I'd do free stuff as vacations, walk in a park is free. But I'll be walking in a park of my choice at a time of my choice. 

strugglingSM's picture

I had the same thought...so much complaining. There's a brunch place near us that we've been to a few times. The last time we went, DH and kids spent the entire ride over talking about how this is their favorite place (it's okay). Then we get there and because DH isn't paying attention, skids both order adult meals that they won't really eat. Then when the food arrives, DH starts complaining about his food followed by the two skids chiming in with their complaints. I told all three of them that I was not interested in going out to brunch with them ever again because it's no fun to sit around a bunch of people complaining. We haven't been to brunch in a long time, mostly due to covid, but also because I'm over paying for things for skids only to listen to them complain.

CLove's picture

Thats what happens/happened this whole trip.

He complains, then she chimes in like a parrot. DROVE ME INSANE-ISH.

- The overcast sky - the food here - the wait for the food - the service of the food - its now too hot - its too crowded - the bathrooms too small 

TIMES TWO!!!

SD15 Echo Wife.

Stepdrama2020's picture

I feel sad, angry for you.

Your DH did the #1 sin in stepcrappy life. He yelled at you infront of the mini wife. I never picked up on the mini wife with her before this blog. Backstabber a hell yes, but a mini wife? Thats her new persona?. Dang, double dang.

Sorry your anniv trip was ruined. Did I miss something why would backstabber come on an anniv trip?

At least you know now never ever again. Mind you Id want to leave DH at home as well.

Blessings dear lady

CLove's picture

She was always a daddys little girl, but now shes 15 and before she would spend time with me one-on-one, and then stopped. BEfore school-gate, Id ask her to go with me, always a "no thank you", but jumped when dad spoke. It was a gradual thing happening.

Toxic Troll sais that SD15 Munchkin "tolerates me for DH's sake but doesnt like me much", and maybe thats the truth of it but that wasnt always true and its not the complete truth. Shes generally fine, when its just us. Add Dh in the mix and its different. The same thing happened with her sister. Feral Forger was fine when it was just us, but add DH in the mix and it becomes a competition for attention and resources.

Im thinking of my next outing without DH. My next several adventures without him.

JRI's picture

Im 76 and as I look back, there are very few people, relations or not, who I"ve enjoyed vacationing with.  It may be because I'm a hard core introvert but the only person I want to vacation with is DH.  We have tried vacationing with various couples, over the years there was only one couple we could tolerate and we enjoyed 3 or 4 with them.  The one time we included kids from both families was a disaster.

I'm leaving the SK issue aside because we all know those are bad, it's common knowledge.  But even when I've vacationed with my own bio kids, I can't say I enjoyed it - the inlaws' short-comings were in my face and watching my bios spend more than they can afford was painful.  One year, my mom and I went to Europe.  By Day 2, I was counting the days and minutes until I could go home.

What I'm trying to say is - Its not just Munchkin, if it were me, it would be anybody.  

CLove's picture

You really do find out things like this about yourself. Im extremely accomodating, but also independant. I dont like complaining.

I also like to keep things tidy and let everyone do their own thing, but meetup for meals.

I have enjoyed outtings with his family and my family. Certain friends. But Muchkin Wife? She bugged me just too much. Different things she would say, her texting, her not helping. Her jabbering. Her demands to go here and do this/that/other thing. Not eating her meals...

CLove's picture

We generally have really fun outings and get along really well. We are both independant and make our own money. Hes clean and funny. He is trying to make things work. But its HARD.

 

AgedOut's picture

I know I'm a bit newish to this site but in all your postings there seems to be one constant: he disrespects you. This was your anniversary trip and he made plans for himself thenpouted and took out his feelings of disappointment on you. How was this for both of you? 

CLove's picture

And it turned into a crapshow with the arguing. I know I complain a LOT, but the disrespect isnt every day.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

How is he trying to make things work. What, exactly, did he do on this trip to make it work for everyone? I can't see where he did one thing for anyone but himself. He did nothing to make sure either you or his daughter had a good time. He spent no time one-on-one with either one of you.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

So he is all about the big romanitc gesture, but no where to be found when it comes to the "nuts and bolts" of daily life - or a vacation, for that matter. I don't see that as trying to make it work - more like trying to make up for doing nothing else to make it work.

CLove's picture

Thats an interesting way to put it. Yes, that is what it is. Hes great with grand gestures and showing up for the big stuff. But the daily grind...well, that needs a lot of work.

CallMeCrazy's picture

When your first response to "what are you getting out of this relationship?" Is A HOUSE I LOVE, there are significant marital issues (not to be placed primarily on SD.) 
Have you both considered marital counseling? 

CLove's picture

Im reading and researching definintely. I definitely get more out of it than a house...and I know there is a bigger issue than SD certainly.

hereiam's picture

So...I thought I could skate off and do my own thing and leave them to it. Enjoy the time off, and they could do their thing. Problem happened when DH said "no we stick together"

But, it was okay for him to go fishing on his own, leaving you to entertain SD. He is something else.

 

strugglingSM's picture

If he insists you stick together then he should have made sure that it wasn't just him and SD off like a couple. Also, my view is that the best vacations include some alone time for people to go off and do things others don't want to do or to just get away for a bit.

CLove's picture

I thought "oh SD can do something else...!" but Dh felt compelled to invite her EVERYWHERE. I was really not considered. I didnt really get to do what I wanted to do...I enjoyed some of what we did...snorkeling and boogie boarding/body surfing...but really, it didnt feel like a fun vacation. It was WORK!

JRI's picture

Your DH, aside from any other flaws, might be thoughtless and/ or clueless about some things that women crave, like my DH.   Let me share our worst vacation which I can't even blame on the SKs.  In 1976, pre-counseling days, I was exhausted and stressed out with my steplife of 2 bios and 3 SKs dumped on us any minute they weren't in school.  DH was working a high-stress job with long hours.  We planned a trip to New Orleans.  I counted the days til we could have some quality, undisturbed adult time together.  Two days before departure, he announced that he'd invited a co-worker and his GF to accompany us.  The post-counseling me would have handled it differently but I went along with it, so unhappy and depressed.  The upshot was he never did that again but how clueless could he have been?  There was no excuse but I will say he's an extrovert who enjoys being with others while I'm an introvert who finds others draining.

Anyway, what I'm saying is, your DH showed the same thoughtlessness about an anniversary trip as my DH did about my supposedly "healing" trip to New Orleans.  Sometimes they are just clueless and need "education".

CLove's picture

He did make the comment a few different times that "next time will be more fun because we wont be dragging around the kid, it will be just us".

bananaseedo's picture

He is just such a selfish man. So irritating!  Yeah, so we 'stick together' unless I'm doing my own thing being gone overnight.  WTH? In what world does it make sense?

My few vacations with SD were absolutely a horror show.  First one was when she was around 9 yrs old - a couple of camping ones and then one in FL when she was 14- THAT one was absolutely disgusting, it was sick!  She was at the height of her mini-wife, creepy behavior with DH.  He would try to push back -she came back harder.  

She tried to seduce my son (her 15yr old stepbrother) - we left momentarily, my youngest son (13) called and said she was being super weird.  We come back, I quietly enter the condo, my son is laying on the bed watching his phone, she's humping the end of the bed 'dancing' I flipped my shit.  She would pout, cry and take off because we were all playing soccer on the beach and she felt the ball should go to her at all times.  She accidentally dropped her bikini top 3 times on the boat before I told her to quit the shit and put a shirt on the rest of the time. My DH and I would be in the water swimming together and she would swim over and sprawl her hold body on Dh's back smothering her tits on him.  He would push her off and tell her to go play with kids her age.  

It was only a 2 bedroom condo- so she had bed in the living room- of course she demanded the boys switch with her every other night so we had to set up an air mattress every other night so she could have the queen bed they were sharing in the other room.  She would come to get dressed in OUR bedroom instead of the bathroom - flipping her hair around, walking in w/out permission.

Then, DH and I had an argument while we were at a park with the kids-about SD's behavior -he got defensive of course.  We get back to the condo and were cooling off and resting before heading out for dinner.  DH goes to lay down for a nap.  A few mins later I notice I dont' see SD - I go into the bedroom and she had crawled into bed behind him spooning him (he was asleep by now). I told her to get out, she has the living room couch to lay on, she's 14 and it's not appropriate to spoon her father.  

It was ALL kinds of effed up- we nearly broke up -in fact we took a break after that.  I blasted him in a letter of how disgusting it was and he better get her under control or I was gone.  That was her 'peak' she never behaved that disgustingly again-it started diminishing and by 16 she no longer did weird stuff like that.

As to the incident with my son- I immediately pulled him outside and had him give me a FULL detail of what happened.  He told me she was acting 'slutty' with him (his words) and it was weirding him out.  I said you should have left the room (SD was always very promiscuous, acting older then her age from age 10- I was a hawk when she was over).  I had a 30 min conversation w/him about boundaries, being appropriate, how to stand up for himself, how to call out behavior like this, how it was his step-sister practically, on and on.  I was furious still and told DH everything that happened, "I'll talk to her' never did the whole trip.  

She would do creepy stuff like this before this trip and he would put a stop to it.  Like asking him to unsnap her bra, flipping her hair and looking at him with pouty lips and then to the mirror...how do I look?  Laying on him.  She was like this with every male though, she didn't discriminate.  This started at age 9-10, at it's worse at 14 then slowly stopped.

This trip he just seemed to let her do whatever she wanted, almost as he was embarrassed but didn't want to bother in parenting.  Oh boy do I remember the fights.  We have not vacationed with her since.  

Absolute nightmare.  My SD was one of the worst on this board- luckily she's turned out to be a decent young woman and we get along fine these days (except her getting knocked up so young!).

CLove's picture

In an extreme sense, she was testing the waters of her own sexuality. Thats great that she came out of it (and you two) the other side, a better side.

I wont be orchstrating any vacations on this level with any skids of any kind. Unless she gets a separate room and pays her own way. And brings a friend that will pay attention to her.

Thank you for sharing the details - I can really see the big picture. Your sons learned much from that as well.

bananaseedo's picture

Absolutely, that is what it was, just more extreme then most because she wasn't used to having boundaries,  In intact homes mothers normally curb this behavior and help her set the tone with dad, grandfather, brothers, cousins, related and unrelated men. Somehow stepmom are viewed as evil for trying to do the same thing and called jealous when it's just women trying to teach younger girls what is/isn't ok when exploring their sexua powers/prowess.

I explained this countless times to DH so he was in complete agreement with me shutting that ish down as a woman.  He did his own but normally moms do the correcting/re-directing, etc.  

Yes, thank goodness things have turned around. She actually just came by to visit us with a ton of ultrasound pics ha!  I'll post an update. 

Livingoutloud's picture

Your DH is really one of the worst husbands on step talk. If not the worst. It's sad. SDs or BMs aren't an issue. He is. If you really getting out of this marriage nice house, fun outings and him sometimes taking you to expensive dinner, then it's really not enough. But that's a low standard in men. It has no depth or meaning. It's just food and just a house! You don't need men for that! You could have fun outings and travels  and fancy dinners and get yourself a nice house all without a man. This isn't enough for marriage. He really truly is a horrible husbsnd 

CLove's picture

intensely. There are things I dont love about him however. Hes not the "whole package deal" type. Many levels we are compatable. I know I can count on him. Hes stable and trying to grow.

Livingoutloud's picture

You cannot count on him at all. He embarrassed you in public in front of SD. He refused to take care of his kid on vacation and took off fishing ("hard no?"). He insisted you do what he decides. He made a vacation he$$. He claimed he wants a divorce just few weeks back. He yells at you. In what way can you count on him? Financial? You don't need men for that. 

i don't doubt you love him. All of us were in love with totally inappropriate partners at least once in our lives. We all loved them intensely. More unacceptable they are sadly more intensely we loved them. Therapy could really help with breaking that cycle as I suspect he isn't the first man to mistreat you. You should not be treated poorly or disrespected by a man ever. Life is too short for this 

Livingoutloud's picture

It's completely unacceptable for DH to demand everyone follows his lead because he paid. It's rude. Not wgat spouses do. Not appropriate for marriage at all.  I'd never travel with him and would pay for my own trips with my girlfriends  

Rumplestiltskin's picture

He doesn't deserve to have you vying for his attention. I say do your own thing until HE chases YOU. Or, if he doesn't, you will have deceloped enough interests so that you no longer care. 

CLove's picture

Ive noticed this with other females that are aggressive in seeking DH's attention. He cannot pay attention to more than one person at a time. SD15 Munchkin Wife has always been an attention seeking type, typically from BOTH of us. When she focuses that on him only its just really annoying. And when you are stuck together 24/7 (no room for her to hole up in) its REALLY in the face.

Im starting a new program for weight loss and strength building, with diet planning involved. I will be very busy doing for myself in the future. This "vacation" was an expensive lesson.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I understand your process, disengagement doesn't come naturally.I know I am one of those people has has to work out something until the end before I am ready to move on.

I am glad to hear this trip was at least helpful in closing one chapter and moving on to another.

TheAccidentalSM's picture

My hill to die on would have been being yelled at by my DuH in public.  That would be a one and done for me.

CLove's picture

I had the talk with him, and am waiting until SD15 Munchkn Wife is with her mother on Wednesday (tomorrow). We will be having the Big Talk about what is appropriate.

He has told me he is "co dependant". He has also told me that his ex would tell everyone he has "anger issues", and he blows it off saying that he will yell about whatever and get over things quickly.

So these topics will be addressed, and if not addressed to my satisfactin, if my concerns are blown off in any way, I will proceed to my next step in disengagement.

I havent seen SD15 B/M all last night (on the phone to Kansas City). He was the epitome of attentive sweet loving husband. So, tomorrow I will have the talk, see how it goes.

AgedOut's picture

is this the pattern? he disrespect you, yells at you, treats you poorly then has a few days of being nice and it's all good for you again?

bananaseedo's picture

That's my worry-it's emotional abuse.  They will blow up and either pretend it didn't happen, pretend to not remember, downplay it, ignore it, sweep it under the carpet, and love bomb you....until the next blow up.  

Winterglow's picture

Well, of course he was. He is well aware that he behaved like an arse. He needs to understand that behaving like a life partner is something that he should do every single day and not just when he needs to be forgiven. Maybe time for therapy? 

Livingoutloud's picture

He does have anger issues. Being sweet and loving  after being mean and selfish is not uncommon. That's a typical abuse cycle. 

did you look for a therapist? 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Not every negative thing an ex says is wrong. In this case, she was right - he does have anger issues. Look up the "cycle of violence" - it applies to emotional abuse as well as physical. He was verbally abusive, then he will be super nice to make up for it, then there is an "ok" period, and then he will blow up again. It is a dynamic that can be very hard to break.

CLove's picture

I will research that, before trying to discuss it with him.

I say trying because he never does anything wrong. And never apologises for anything (because he does no wrong).

But yet, if I do something that annoys/irritates/angers him, he will blow up out of proportion to the actual thing he is reacting to.

bananaseedo's picture

Clove, based on your recent revelations, I strongly want to suggest you start investigating to see if the abuse cycle applies to you. I really have a bad gut feelign when you say he never apologizes, doesn't recognize his issues, ignores them but then blows up at you out or proportion to your 'crimes'. 

I"m going to suggest a couple of things.  Two books that fundamentally changed my life and escape the abuse.  Patricia Evans Verbal Abuse, she also has one called Controlling People.  And the best one, Lundy Bancroft's Why does he do that.  I used to have them-if I did I would send them your way.

Patricia Evans also has a great message board verbalabuse.com I believe.  Look into it- and please get Lundy's book.  Here's a link https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-Do-That-audiobook/dp/B0058R8AP2/ref=s...

 

strugglingSM's picture

I think #2 only applies to divorced parents, specifically divorced NCP dads. Every time DH and I go away, everyone (BM, DH's family, etc) acts as if he is being the worst dad ever for not taking skids. Some even thought this about our honeymoon, leaving DH to say, "this would be so fun if my kids were here" or "we'll have to take my kids on this trip in a few years" and on and on and on. No, DH, it would not be fun if your kids were here. They would complain and only want to do things like amusement parks, when we went on a European cruise. Also, we paid a lot for that trip, because it was our honeymoon, so no way I'm paying that much for skids to join us on a trip like that. When I was a kid our "family" vacations consisted of a week at the beach where we cooked our own meals for every night but one and got to buy one souvenir. I went on one trip that involved a plane before turning 18. It's okay for skids to not be jetted off to a fancy vacation every year. That is not their right. I want to take my child to visit my family (she hasn't met anyone except for my mom, due to covid), but will need to wait until the summer's over so I have an excuse not to take skids with us. Otherwise, I will be seen as the wicked stepmother for not paying $700 each for plane tickets for skids to join us, plus hundreds on entertaining them, instead of just visiting with family. 

When our child is older, DH and I definitely plan to take trips without her and I will not feel guilty leaving her behind. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I hope when you have your talk with DH you ask him if his hope one day if for SD to marry a man that talks to her and treats her the way he does you.

Because at the end of the day it's not how he treats SD that will influence her future relationships. It's how he treats you that role models for SD what relationships should be like.