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Small thing, BIG FIGHT

CLove's picture

Ok, so let me start with a question - what should I do next?

1. Disengage. Leave it alone, do my own thing, and just dont talk about it.

2. Approach it sideways, turn off internet and turn off the phone line. Text only. Dont say anything.

3. Approach it directly, with both of them in the room at the same time.

Last night, as I was arriving home and washing something, I mentioned to DH that at the little strip mall that contains the grocery store we frequent, there are TWO places hiring. A pizza place and coffee shop. SD15.5 can get a job. His immediate reaction was no. Mainly because he would be responsible for transport, but his stated reason was "shes not mature enough". SD15 has no more responsibility now than she did at 11. So how is she supposed to mature? Just age into it?

This lead to an evening whereby at the dinner table she was snarky and only addressing DH. "Dad what are you up to tomorrow?" and no thank yous to me for me cleaning for her. Then somehow I was to blame because I did not know what her plans were for Thanksgiving as last time we spoke of it she was going to a friends Thanksgiving and not to my parents which was fine. And now for some reason I am a bad person because somehow I did not know that her friends plans was a different day than my parents. Which is still fine because when I told my mother she wasnt able to go, my mother said "well Im not going to change the reservation she can go or not go". I definitely got attitude.

Then in speaking of it, I got an argument. And when I mentioned the big picture of no help but lots of attitude I got, "well Im going to bed and dont want you to touch me right now". I did get a kiss goodbye as he was leaving for a fishing trip.

And then to test my theory, I texted SD15 Backstabber/Munchkin at 9:30 if she could help me out with some "winter cleaning" and we can "coordinate Thanksgiving plans". And no response. This is the same person who is on the phone to Kansas City from 5pm until 10pm every weekday, and for 5 plus hours all day on the weekend. Starting sometimes at 5 am. Yes I check.

So....what do I do?


DPW's picture

Why did you even get involved to start with? You knew this would bring on drama. Over and over and over again, you have been told to disengage and you continue to meddle in the steps' business. Your DH is clearly never going to step up and be the parent you want him to be so you either accept it (read: disengage) or leave him (which you are never going to do). Yet you continue to not disengage. 

And texting SD about helping you was just stirring up the pot more. Once again, I'll ask you to seek therapy as I really think you are addicted to drama. Over the years, you continually meddle and involve youself despite cries from the masses to disengage. Did you ever question why you involve yourself so much? You also hold so much resentment for SD,s you need to get that in check, in my opinion. I worry for you. 

CLove's picture

Is not an option right now. Doesnt mean I wont later.

Yes, I am definitely resentful. Last April is still fresh in my mind. I am still grieving and hurting. I thought our relationship was better than that.

I texted her thinking that it would be a good test, so that I could prove to myself and DH that his little darling is not so darling to me, and he needs to chieck that, unless he wants a repeat of what he created already. Does he really want an Feral Forger repeat? At this point I should not care, I get that, but I still have a few shreds of caring left at the bottom of the barrel.

So I agree. And am going for a hike.

JRI's picture

I''d  let it all go.  I wouldnt ask about the Thanksgiving plans, eiither.  If she's with you when you walk in your Mom's, i'm sure your mom can set out an extra plate.

As far as the job, you already know you and DH have different ideas about education, probably different views about teenagers working, too.  His kid, his decision..  

CLove's picture

I got so mad last night, I dont even want to spend Thanksgiving with either of them. Its a nice dinner buffet at a golf course on the ocean. If they are going to treat me with disdain, and not respond to a simple text then why woulod I want my parents to spend any money on them?

We (my parents, their money and me) are a package deal is what I am thinking...more and more, Im disengaging. I just put this stuff out there to see what the reaction will be.

I put this on here so I dont scream...

JRI's picture

I vent here so I dont scream, either.  Lol.  Thank God for Steptalk.

caninelover's picture

#1 it is.  And try and remember that it isn't up to you whether SD works or not.

Though it is up to you to determine what happens after she turns 18.  Does DH agree that she would move out after high school?

CLove's picture

No discussions. And at this point I have zero desire to discuss anything. And I imagine that THEY will have discussions and will not include me. But I will not back down on that one when the time comes 2 years and 7 months down the road.

He is so completely by the seat of his pants. No planning at all.

tog redux's picture

The reality is that kids don't move out right after high school anymore, unless they go away to college (in which case they come back on breaks), or they join the military.  I believe you are in California, and especially there, it's very hard for young people to just "move out" with a minimum wage job because housing costs are so high.  Even here where it's a low cost of living, few kids move out after high school.  I don't know why people on this board expect that stepkids are going to go away the minute they turn 18.

That being said, there is no reason she has to continue a 50/50 schedule once she turns 18, and probably won't. My guess is that before then, she will end up at TT's house full time. You seem to vacillate between liking her and disliking her, but you really have to stop worrying about what's going to happen 2.7 years from now. Cross that bridge when you come to it.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

If SO and I lived together, I would give up dinners out and only cook at home in exchange for using that money to help most of my SO's kids live, say, in an apartment or a dorm instead of at home. I would cut almost all extra expenses, it means that much. There are other options besides having them under your roof.

tog redux's picture

Giving up your money to get your partner's kids out of the house at 18 isn't a healthy solution, either.  Even if they don't live there, they are going to be a thorn in your side unless your partner (and OP's) learn how to parent and set boundaries effectively.  You can't separate the good parts of these men from their lousy, enabling parenting.  It doesn't work that way. Look at JRI, she's still dealing with it at age 76.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Very true. I guess what i was trying to say was that in this situation, with OP, all she can do (besides leave) is minimize the effect the SDs have on her personally. This situation is known to be broken. Her husband will never be the parent she needs him to be. BM will always be toxic. SDs will not improve their behavior. It's a "choose your poison" situation. 

tog redux's picture

Right, all she can control is herself.  So should let her DH know that she does not intend to live with SD past 18, if she's not working or going to school; and then stop trying to do things that she thinks will motivate SD to grow up, when neither of her parents seem to want her to. 

It always boils down to the fact that HE is the problem in this situation, and she can't fix that. She can only decide whether she wants to continue to accept him as he is, poor parenting and all, which means accepting the consequences of his poor parenting.

notarelative's picture

Part of it is being 15. Part of it is neither parent cares.

I would not coordinate plans any longer. That's up to DH. I'd tell him that we need to leave at X time. At that time if SD15 is not there he either leaves with you, or he stays and figures out Thanksgiving for the two of them when she arrives. 

It's not SD that would bother me. It's the fact that DH does not care about inconveniencing your parents. 

As to the working, if DH does not care if 15 follows the path of FF,  I'd make it clear she is doing it in TT's apartment not your house. 

CLove's picture

I asked her again if she is sure and that she will need to clear things with her mother, and did it via text so there wont be any chance for attitude. Simple yes was texted back. Perfect.

DH is MR seat of his pants in everything, everything last minute and who cares if we are late. Which drives me crazy.

So in my text I just mentioned she might want to be picked up early to get ready. The ball is in her court and DH. Im out of it.

I took my hike and am now completely zenned out, and dont care any more.

tog redux's picture

I'm a little confused, just clarifying. You told DH that SD could get a job somewhere and he said no. Okay, fine, his kid.  Then SD was bratty at dinner and you wanted DH to notice that she mistreats you, so you texted her to prove to him she would mistreat you again? I just want to make sure I understand. 

If I do understand then I agree that you are really still struggling with disengaging. Here's how it could go: you bring up the job, he says no. You move on (this is assuming that bringing up the job is just conversational and not an attempt to change how he parents). 

As for how she treats you, stop cleaning for her. Stop eating with her. Stop doing anything for her. If he asks why, tell him. If he gets mad and defends her, so be it. 

If you are still mad about what happened with her, then totally disengage and have little to do with her beyond, "hi SD, how are you? Great, glad to hear it." Like you would a co-worker.

Otherwise you are still trying to control and fix things.


CLove's picture

As you always do...

So, I got a nice response back, and just made it known that she will need to clear it with her mother.

Everything is now a "cleanr slate and everyone is now happy. Except me, of course who carries the grudges, but Im now at the zen state of "I dont care" and will leave it all alone. I dont really want to eat dinner with her tonight much less Thanksgiving, but my parents will be happy.

Im going to kick my disengagement into high gear. I just spent her Christmas present on me today at the local craftsfair. She might get a card with $25...I dont know we shall see.

Livingoutloud's picture

Her dad buys her a gift or gift cards or you two together go buy gifts together (search online together or go in person), and put both names on. If he does nothing or refuses to participate then you do nothing. No buying her gift cards from yourself. 

Birchclimber's picture

I get your frustration. Even though we know that we shouldn't get involved when it comes to our skids, sometimes we can't help but voice our opinions, make suggestions...whatever...especially when they live under our roof.  We're human.  We falter. 

For the record,  I got my first part time job at 15.  I remember having loved the feeling that it made me feel more adult, although clearly at 15 I was not.  I don't think that your mentioning those jobs was way out of line.  It's not as though you made any surreptitious calls to the 2 businesses on her behalf.  However, you said that you mentioned it to DH.  How did SD come to know about it? One way or the other, You shouldn't be made to feel guilty for it bringing it my opinion.  But, I'm not terribly surprised to hear that they were snarky during dinner. 

At this point, I would just put all of your methods of communication to these two to the side and take a few hours to collect yourself again.  Enjoy that hike.  I also doubt at this point that she'll be wanting to join you for Thanksgiving dinner.  It is, what it is...


CLove's picture

Got to hang with my Dad and hear "I dont especially think his parenting is all that great" and hit a few hills and took some pics, hugged my Mom a few times...took myself out for Indian food and bought myself some pretty handcrafted peices of jewelry at a local crafts market (you know since I not getting Feral Forger SD22 anything).

at around 9:30 am I finally got a response from SD15.5, and it wasnt bad. And she accomplished a few things as I had asked. 
So I cannot complain and will just up the disengagement...and not mention anything.

hereiam's picture

Oh, Clove, you are just setting yourself up for disappointment.

You don't need proof that SD has no loyalty to you and feels no obligation to you, whatsoever. I'm sorry that you felt that the two of you had a special bond, but that's not the case. She was just better at "going along to get along" than her sister was.

You have to stop expecting her to thank you, to be grateful, to be helpful.

 Stop testing theories. Stop trying to go back in time. Stop engaging.

tog redux's picture

Seems like most of these skids are much easier to be around and like before the age of 14. And they like the SM more too. Certainly true of my SS. 

CLove's picture

I like that a lot, and thats exactly what she does. Plus Im pretty great generally and leave her alone generally. I defiitely need to up the disengagement.

CajunMom's picture

I say this with all love and compassion. Just STOP. This girl is never going to change and neither is your DH.

I'm speaking for experience. I stayed in the "game" way too long. 12 years. Almost destroyed my life and my relationship with DH. Today, I'm completely accepting of DH and his kids' behaviors, as none impact me anymore. Not even when I'm ignored. In fact, I prefer they ignore me (which they do as I've set the parameters). I am contemplating letting DHs kids come back to our home for visits with him (no overnights; all are adults and can get hotels like their dad does when he goes to see them). At most, they will get a hello from me and I'm heading out. I owe them nothing and they owe me nothing. My motto is civil but superficial.

Definitely seek therapy with a therapist who has knowledge in the HC Step world and disengagement. Again, give up interacting with your SD. She's not worth your time and especially your emotions. Big hugs. It's a tough journey.

CLove's picture

I can imagine after 12 years theres some bitterness. I cant take being ignored - shunning will not happen in my house, but she is veery careful not be shunning just super focused.

I agree. I need thereapy. Im looking for someone right now.

CajunMom's picture

Amazing to say that, even to myself. It took me over 3 years though. Lots of private counseling, marriage counseling,reading a ton of self-help books and some strict boundaries. I'm finally able to say I'm not bitter. Now, the impacts of what happened will always be around. So, I've learned some techniques and stratagies to deal with them when they come. 

I came to the point....bitterness only hurts me. I am turning 60 soon. I refuse to let that crap take hold of the rest of my life. So, I continue with strong boundaries and they are only lightened when I say so; not DH or his kids. I'm in control this go-round. 

Best to you.

CLove's picture

Not going to do it halfway. I had all day to think about it too. Take her out of any life insurance, no inheritance from me. Will not ever take her with me to see some music, or suggest or plan anything when she is with us. No trips and no present shopping. Not going to cook for her anymore, either.

CLove's picture

Who always tries to get extra time at our place just so she can stay in her room on the phone as well as this is the same kid that told me just Monday that because she is having so many issues with her abusive sister, that she has been threatening her mother with lilving with us full time. I cannot imagine that she is thinking that she will have ME - CLOVE full time and wont be able to activate her mother aganist me if she were to pursue this. Not to mention the epic battle from Toxic Troll. I know its all just tlak, but the thought of loiving with her full time lazyness just makes my stomach churn...

Aniki-Moderator's picture

CLove, I adore you and say because I care... I definitely understand wanting the dream of being a family and getting along and believe that is a big part of why you so easily fall right back into engaging. At 15, Backstabbing Munchkin may realize that. If not on a conscious level, then her subconscious. She is actively trying to manipulate TT into making FF "behave" or else. Consider there is a possibility she's doing the same thing to you. Hey, I'll suck CLove back in, move in with her and Daddeeeeee, and do WTH I want.

You know you DH is weak. You know B/M is a buttheaded teen. TT and FF are trainwrecks. 

YOU, my dear, need to focus on what you can control: CLove. Give up the dream and concentrate on sticking to Disengagement Road. Make YOU happy, first and foremost. 6 months, a year, 3 years... it gets easier. I am a perfect example of one who disengaged and stepped back. BioHo and her BS made calm, cool Aniki look like an air conditioner on a sweltering day. 

CLove's picture

For some reason I am being very stubborn. Stubbornlyholding on to that dream.

NOW SD15 wants to spend her ENTIRE break with us.

So - knowing that if I bring it up, she will pout and DH will get angry. Disengaging means that I just go about my life, and dont concern myself. BUT this relaally does impact me. I feel like I need to be included in any discussion about schedule changes.

And when I mention this, it caused a fight, and there goes my Sunday evening. And now my 4 day weekend. All because Backstabber Munchkin wants to change the schedule so that she will have her privacy to be on her phone in her room.

I wont give up my house, and Im super unhappy, and husband is super unhappy. Thats his kid and he is happy to have her here as much as she wants to be here (her in her room and he in the garage). Im no longer in her corner, and my sympathy for both of them is very low.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

His kid, his problem. He needs to make plans to feed her, drive her, entertain her. Make your own plans and say "No" if asked to accompany them.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I say you make it so that both SDs are basically dead to you, in your mind. As the poster above said, when you absolutely have to acknowledge them, be civil but superficial. If they come up in conversation, be polite but noncommittal. "Hmm." "Oh, wow." Unless something truly impacts you, such as when they are in your home (like changes to the schedule), major money (like funding a car or college to the point that it will affect you personally), they are dead to you. Your husband is a douchebag asshat to the highest degree. Doesn't want to touch you? F that. That's another issue. But the SDs - you have seen how they are turning out and neither of their parents is worth a sh!t. Minimize their impact on you. Maybe your husband will treat you better once you truly disengage. Who knows? But no cleaning up after them. They are not there. 

CLove's picture

Yeah, She JUST now mentioned that she wants to be here during the break, another week. I was SOOOO looking forward to her going back to her mothers for this coming week. And now, I just mentioned I wanted it to be discussed and I wanted to be included in the discussion, and Husband got angry and made a big stink. That I am "making things too complicated and complex" and that her staying longer "shouldnt be a problem and that when he married me he didnt think it would be a problem"

So I mentioned her behavior in April and how that was never addressed. Im still hurting. I have to walk on eggshells. He never backed me up when she made accusations and lied and activated her mother against me/us. NOTHING was ever addressed. So now. he just expects that i am to be ok with eve4rything and if she wants to spend her entire break with us, that should be ok.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

To me, that is something that you should not disengage on. Who will be in your home and when impacts you. You should have as much say in that as your husband does. You are an equal adult in that home. I think maybe part of the dread that stepparents feel regarding skids is the total lack of information and control. I am the only adult in my home and i get to decide if my daughter stays extra or not. It's not up to her, or anyone else. As a BM, i can't imagine just being told when she is arriving and expected to just stuff it. Or worse, just walking out of my room and being surprised. Why should it be any different for a stepparent? Do they have fewer rights over their home because they did not reproduce? 

tog redux's picture

Don't let him bully and threaten you (yes, I never knew you'd be like this when I married you is bullying and threatening).  If you don't want her there all week say so. And stick with it. It's the only way change can be made.

Tried out's picture

that particular phrase is bullying and threatening behavior.

If it was me I'd call him on it.

"Wait a minute. Are you threatening me? Are you saying you'd rather not be married to me?"

If he says yes, then you know where you stand. You know it's fruitless to continue in a marriage where you aren't valued or respective. He just saved you from many more years of being unhappy.

If he says no, then tell him to stop threatening you to keep you in line. Defang the bully.


Livingoutloud's picture

Honestly I don't know why you decide she must get a job. You made a suggestion and your DH says no. Let it go. it's not up to you what age skids start working. I agree SD would benefit from a job but it's not up to stepparent 

why are you coordinating  plans with a kid. Adults decide on thanksgiving plans and then inform minor kids what's going to take place. If coordination needed then let her parents coordinate. Don't coordinate. 

I thought you already asked about Christmas gifts on here and said you'll try to stop with individual gifts. Why are you still planning on buying them your individual gifts? You do it with your DH. If he refuses to spend time with you planning for holidays, then he is on his own with gifts. Don't buy your own 

I suggested if before and I'll say it again. You need to get very busy with your own life. More than you've been. Maybe get a second job. Weekend classes. I think being very busy will not leave much time for all these suggestions or coordinating or texting SD. Stay busy and seek therapy 

Also you keep getting mad at SDs, but they aren't the real issue, you have a horrible husband who treats you poorly so that's a true issue.

When I had issues whth exSkids I later realized that the issue was my exSO. Not them. I don't have these issues in my steplife now (even though one of my skids is a pretty horrible criminal and pretty much insane) because I have a good DH. 

as long as you are married to your DH, you'll have all the same issues. It won't ever change no matter how old are your stepkids. If you are determined to be married to this bozo, then remain disengaged from both him and the kids  



CajunMom's picture

"as long as you are married to your DH, you'll have all the same issues"

Age does not matter. I just shake my head when I hear Stepmoms in high conflict situations say they can't wait till SKs are 18. While there is some relief, the toxic behaviors rarely change and often get worse. Dhs kids range from 27 - 41. I totally disengaged 4 years ago. I'll let everyone do the math. 

Time to completely disengage, set up some boundaries, focus on self and get busy living and loving your life.


CLove's picture

Is a PERFECT example. They always come back. Like mold.

CLove's picture

I wasnt telling DH that she should get a job, just mentioned that there were job openings, and did he think she should get one. Probably because I had a job at 14 and worked throughout my high school years every weekend.

All good suggetions. I have been very busy going on hikes and meeting with my friends. Doing my own thing, spending time with my parents.

Now SD15 is telling me (no prior discussion) that she wants to stay with us full-time. Because her sister SD22 is being so hateful and she wants to avoid the drama.

You are right. I am to do zero coordinating. Im out. I just had a difficullt discussion with Husband. He insists that he talks to SD15 and always tells her how much I help (yeah right) so she is perfectly aware. 

Im so mad right now.

My Thanksgiving weekend = days off, now I have to deal with this chit.

hereiam's picture

If you want to buy Christmas gifts for somebody, adopt a family. They would probably appreciate it more than SD.

Livingoutloud's picture

Yes. I suggested before donating to homeless or DV shelters or dropping stuff at any church that collects toys of clothes for Christmas gifts. Instead of giving to SDs. If the issue is wanting to have holiday activities that involve kids, then volunteering in something like big sister or boys and girls club or hospital/pediatric unit. A friend of mine volunteers in boys and girls club. It's very fulfilling. I used to volunteer in homeless shelters and transitional housing. Time much better spent than trying to please  ungrateful people 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Call a friend(s). Book a spa day, massage, or mani/pedi. Have a nice lunch. Arrange to be gone a an entire day. After that big lunch, some fresh fruit is good for dinner. Wink

Tried out's picture

need is a project. Your last project fell apart when the subject rebelled and rejected your attempts to help her.

It's great that you're getting out and about more, but it doesn't sound as if it claims your attention beyond the time you're doing it. When I've been unhappy it always helps me to find something to throw myself in to because it gives my brain something else to think about other than my unhappiness with my lot. 

Is there a degree or certification you'd be interested in pursuing? Or a series of art lessons that intrigues you? Or a volunteer position that demands a bunch of hours?

And about SD, part of what's going on with her is just her age. My GD, who is now 17, used to run to meet us when we picked her up from school, loved doing crafts with me,  I taught her how to knit when she was 8, she made a skirt under my tutelage when she was 10, etc. Then she became a teenager and got a cell phone. And everything changed. I try not to let it get to me but I really miss the other her. So I do get what you're feeling.

CLove's picture

I have started exploring by taking classes. Im not really interested right now and signed up, did some of the work and then just really did not want to continue putting resources in that direction.

My current new interest is I want to start writing again. Romances.

My second new interest is I want to lose weight and get strong and do some backpacking/hiking trips. This is an ongoing interest, actually, and Ive just got to get back on that horse and start riding again. Biking too. I live in a naturally beautiful place that is perfect as a starting point. And there are a large number of people that enjoy these things.

So, Im wanting to redirect my life into these channels.

Im thinking at this point I need to give up and let the A$$holes do what the heck they want. Im tired of arguing over the same chit. I miss the days when we all would do holiday stuff together. I miss the cute 8-11 phases. the sweetness.

I will get through the teenage years. Who knows if Ill still be married by then...

Tried out's picture

those years, too. 

Olivia2020's picture

Well, Thanksgiving is Thursday and after the meal with your parents, can you book a three day weekend (Fri-Sun) for yourself if the SKid(s) are at your home?

I couldn't stand the walking on eggshells with the silent treatment. It's so immature and very manipulative on the givers end and so very hurtful and disrespectful on the receivers end. I still don't know what I would do if I were still in that environment. I disengaged and felt (and probably looked) pissed off. Those morons...ugh! 

Yes, definitely find a good therapist, one you vibe with and has some life experience, especially experience with the situations you're faced with in your marriage and with those girls. This reminds of what my mom would say about shitty people..."They wouldn't pi*s on me if I was on fire." Thinking of this really helped me disengage...because it was true. 

A change of scenery and solo travel will nourish your soul and help detach and disengage. Save your energy for yourself. 


caninelover's picture

Please cLove, plan and arrange time away for you.  They didn't ask you so don't ask them.  Just do it, go away for the week.  Make DH figure out HIS child.  You take care of you.  You're worth it, and you deserve it.

Olivia2020's picture

If you must live with these people, making plans for yourself outside the home will likely help make your life tolerable. Fill up the calendar with weekend or day trips, look up some cute AirBnB's and travel solo! Feeling alone (unsupported) in a coupleship was the worst feeling for me. You can do things that don't break the bank or volunteer at marathons/fundraisers/5K type events/sports, animal rescues, fun things with little kids/schools or charities that support things near and dear to your heart. A few years ago, I was in an internship at a residential substance abuse facility and told the exDUH/Narc that I 'had' to work on Christmas Eve and Day just so I didn't have to be around him and his daughters. I was already disengaging without knowing it but none of us lived under the same roof either so I could do it over the phone. exYSD was 18 and DaughterWife was 21 at the time and I also thought that they were launched since they were out from under his roof, but he was paying for DaughterWife's bills, condo rent & bills and nice things to support her lifestyle (not necessities like he did with the exYSD18, she worked and paid many of her own bills & she would cringe when he would give her a fake hug) and he was a tightwad with me as well. So at age 24, DaughterWife's bills and luxuries were ALL being paid by Daddeeee....I saw this on the financial discovery documents for the divorce. Since I escaped...let me count...just over 20 months ago, I bet Daddddeeee is still paying for his DaughterWife's lifestyle and thank goodness I'm not there to contribute one cent to a household that supports a LAZY 'adult' daughter. The exYSD always did very well in high school and while working and in the first couple years of university and of course, her hard work was not even recognized by exDUH/Narc because we know where his head was...and BioMom with the single-digit IQ was still wrapped up with her new hubby. Those two daughters will always have their allegiance to their mother no matter how shitty of a 'parent' she may or may not be to them.

So my point is this...switching between houses and expecting a launch at age 18 are things that you won't have to sweat over if you' re not caught up in the mix of their messes. The ugly truth, your DH, will continue long after they turn 18, whether they are out of the house or not, and will likely pay their living expenses, cars, phones, insurances, nice things, vacations, etc, while you sit at home boiling mad. Create a fun life for yourself outside those fools and save yourself a heart attack. 

Like caninelover stated, plan and arrange time away for you. Take a scenic train ride, catch a cheap flight, rent a car on Turo, find tiny houses to stay in or some unique destinations, preferably with no phone service or internet. I just returned from a two week solo trip all over Arizona, it was beautiful, and the silence of being 'off the grid' while stargazing & taking a few short tours & meeting people that are actually NICE, was refreshing. Taking care of yourself will prove your worthiness to yourself and to your sweet soul...don't let it be sucked out by your DH and those awful brats. Merrell makes some cute hiking shoes and they are super comfy! 

Hugs and positive vibes to you!

AgedOut's picture

Haven't you noticed that your husband literally doesn't care about what his kids are doing/saying/snarking? He just doesn't want to hear about it. So we have you turning yourself inside out, worried, fryetting, setting traps to catch her in. 

What will change when she turns 18? Be honest. What exactly changes? 

CLove's picture

She wont launch properly. Husband just tells me he will tell SD15 the same thing he told SD22 - make things work here and you can stay. If not she can go live with her mother.

Instead of parenting. You are right. He does NOT CARE. He just doesnt want to hear about it. You are spot on.

hereiam's picture

make things work here and you can stay

What in the hell does that mean? She has to get a job? Go to school? Be somewhat respectful? Then what, she can just stay forever?

I agree that most kids are not prepared to move out on their own at 18 but there has to be some sort of goal, some sort of timeline.


Stepdrama2020's picture

I havent read all the responses, so if this has already been said then ignore, or take to heart.

Disengagement does not work for you. It cant you are too caring. Except backstabber will always be backstabbing and punishing you. Over time I have noticed your DH has been slowly brainwashed to see YOU as the problem. Its easier for him. That way he wont be accountable for raising two shitty DD"s.

We all know the definition of insanity. Me included, guilty many times over.

I mean this kind lady with all sincerity. None of them are willing to change their stance. A relationship never works, whether its marital, with steps if only one party is the one trying.

I think you know what the next step should be. Only you can decide.

Blessings for a happier future.

Livingoutloud's picture

I think some SMs mistakenly think if Skids just got good grades and jobs or went to school or got a degree or move out or clean the house things would be much better. But that's simply not the case. In my exsteplife my Skids were educated professionals: doctors etc Yet they were a total mess and ex didn't put me first.

I have a stripper (and likely more than that) and a felon woth multiple incarcerations and with a list of mental illnesses on my hands but my life is much much easier. 

So focusing on jobs and grades and schools and degrees and chores will not change the situation at all 

also when you are in general happier with your life, you have less desire to control things, you just let them go and chill more frequently. Take focus of Skids