SD17.5's favorite saying: "I was here FIRST!"

I have a SD17.5, who is always saying this when we are arguing or when we are making household decisions, or talking household rules. I have been in my DH's life for about 4 years now. We have been together as a couple for 2 1/2 years. We have lived together 1 year this December. I did not have much to bring in, some art, and plants and special knick knacks. DH bought new furniture after kicking BM out for cheating on him. We have been acquiring furniture and making things nice together, when we can afford to.

SD did indeed and in fact grow up in the house. She exists as DH's daughter. I understand that "She was here first". But she is only here 50% - due to custodial agreements.

She has her own room that looks horrid - like a crack-head lives in there. She doesn't help out with normal housecleaning duties such as vacuuming and dusting and cleaning the bathroom, taking out the trash, sweeping etc. She picks up doggie doo only when she wants money (she has no job, so she always has her hand out. I cant tell you how it makes my skin crawl when I hear "Daddy I love you pleeeeease"). She has just recently started washing her own dish occasionally. She never helps out with cooking or meal preparation. The ONE time that I said "your helping me cook dinner for us tonight", she came back with "since when?" to which I had to respond with "since now".

So in summation, this almost-adult has done nothing to learn the flow of the household, does nothing to contribute to the household, yet because she was "here first", and is the biological spawn of my Love, and his previous wife, she can partake of all the benefits of being in our household.

A description and comparison of our household, which I have helped develop and nurture: Old. 1967. cracked tile, plants and shells and art, and creatively hidden holes and dishware we picked out together, antiques, and more plants, fish, and a rabbit and a dog, and 2 birds, and more plants. 3 bedrooms and 2 living rooms, 3 televisions with on-demand everything. In contrast, her BM has a claustrophobic 2-bedroom 1 bathroom apartment that she has to share with SD10 and BM's boyfriend, with no yard, and no pets.

So, if she "was here first", and values the home and is so attached, wouldn't she want to contribute, and make it better?

I'm really frustrated & angry when I hear this coming from her. My DH, he sais "wait until she turns 18 - things will be much different", or "no, she is NOT going to choose paint color, or anything for the house that we fix up, and she certainly WILL NOT paint her room pink, or the bathroom for that matter".

But still, I really want to SCREAM when she sais this. I want to grab her by the shoulders and shake her, yell at her, and send her to her BMS...forever!

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Why doesn't your husband set

Why doesn't your husband set her straight? The only person that can convince her that she is not the woman of the house is him.

uofarkchick you know why

uofarkchick you know why Disney Daddy doesn't want to upset his princess! lol

Eff that, gurl. In the

Eff that, gurl.

In the words of Charlotte York: "There is only room for one lady of the house."

We aren't married right now.

We aren't married right now. We ARE partners who discuss household issues, and make decisions together. I have broached the idea of what the term "woman of the house" means, in a non-confrontational way with my SO. I told him that historically it meant the woman rules the household, and manages things, and makes the decisions, so the man can go out and conquer the world, and not have to worry about the small things. When confronted with my feelings over her statement, his response has been "you can take over the house, without saying a word. You don't need to make any declarations, I will support you in this".

I asked him about his previous experience with the previous "woman of the house". His ex-wife, he tells me was "just there, she did nothing, did no cleaning and did none of the cooking".

My new strategy is to be more hands-on with the house, not as timid about moving things, and organizing things the way I want them. Most recently I took over living room #2, and got the pool table out to a friends house. Now I can enjoy the fireplace, and have things the way I want. I bought a few antique tables and we have a vintage record player, some art and my books. Its MY ROOM. of course SD17.5 doesn't come in there, and her only comment was a snotty sneer and "I liked it better before". (with pool table and nothing else)

LOL. She pretends to be

LOL. She pretends to be classy when there are IMPORTANT people around. Obviously we aren't important. She is tiny, and into fashion and hair and makeup, her cousins are beautiful snobs that she hangs out with. We are just the shuttle-bus walking-wallets.

Yah, she keeps her room door

Yah, she keeps her room door shut, DH gets on her for cleaning. He pays rent, so I clean household in general. I share in cooking and grocery purchasing. I take care of feeding his dog and SD10's rabbit. I used to take care of HER (SD17.5) dog too, feeding and love-giving...until she passed away.

I think where I am at, is, "she was here first". What is she trying to say? That she has more rights to demand things, that I cannot ask her for anything as far as cleaning? That I am considered a NOBODY, a TEMPORARY? That I just need to pipe down, not ask her to do anything around the house? My opinion on paint colors and tile and all that is not valued? I'm not certain what that actually means, but it BOTHERS Me when she sais this.

Don't engage in arguments

Don't engage in arguments with her. She is not your peer and having the "I was here first" argument is juvenile. Tell her to wash her dishes and if she she wants to argue about it, call for her dad and he needs to repeat the same demand that you gave her and if she refused HE can punish her.

My DH, he sais "wait until

My DH, he sais "wait until she turns 18 - things will be much different", or "no, she is NOT going to choose paint color, or anything for the house that we fix up, and she certainly WILL NOT paint her room pink, or the bathroom for that matter".

Get that in writing and have it notarized!
Not that it will help but at least you'll be able to show it to him and ask what's different?

"I was here first" Response:

"I was here first"

Response: "But I will be here last"!

When SS10 says things like

When SS10 says things like that I always reply "And there's the difference between adults and children. Who was here first doesn't matter. I'm an adult, you are a child." DH will say the same thing if he's there to hear it. SS10 likes to make big speeches about how he is going to be an adult one day and then he gets to make decisions. And our response is always the same.

"You will always be a child in this home if you are not paying rent and contributing to the general family supplies. If you are an adult and paying an equal share in our home, then you get an vote. Until then we make the rules and decisions." And then we point out that we are unlikely to need a roommate/additional adult partner in our home just because the kid turns 18.

It doesn't matter that your SD is 17.5 - she's not an equal adult member of the house unless she is contributing equally and both you and DH agree to have a roommate kid.

IMO she states this to show

IMO she states this to show you she is the alpha female in the house. It's pretty common, and she obviously is feeling a bit insecure where her place is in the family order. But the fact you aren't contributing financially gives her more ammunition. It's really not any kids business what each adult pays for, but it seems she knows and flaunts that fact. Personally, I would ignore her, not engage in her arguments, etc. Don't take her bait. Your DH needs to set her straight, not just make random remarks that do nothing.

My SD14 has hinted about being one of the heads of our household, and I just laugh and ignore. Unless the kids are paying rent, food, utilities and bearing the burden of other household expenses, they are absolutely not "head" of anything. I am the queen, SO is the king. Don't care if they like it or not, that's how it is.

I should have clarified

I should have clarified better:
I have a full-time job. I pay my personal bills and buy groceries for the household, as well as buy household supplies. I paid half the dog cremation expenses and I buy pet food on occasion. I buy the kids things sometimes. I contribute my portion of rent and bills. Our incomes are not equal.

But yes, I agree - she is a teenager who has been controlled all her life and is in this way seeking independence, but in a twisted, toxic manner.

I think I need to discuss with DH what his response should be...when she sais this kind of thing, either to me, or just to him when they are alone.

I am disengaging, so I do not respond. But feel like I need a strong response when it comes up, so it does not continue.

Yes, when the time is right

Yes, when the time is right (when there are no kidlings around, when they are at BMS) I will craft my message, and deliver it. I have hopes that he will understand, but right now, he simply wants a peaceful happy household with no arguing. He works hard, and does his best, but he has never had to deal with this before, and doesn't have the "toolset" to fix it. I say this because he is a mechanic that can fix anything. LOL.

You don't have to clarify or

You don't have to clarify or justify anything to anyone.

Your SD is a disrespectful little twit and your husband allows it. "Just wait until she is 18," indeed. Is she moving out at 18? Even if she is, she can just do and say as she pleases until then?

He's as bad as she is.

WELL, he did have something

WELL, he did have something to do with raising this entitled little snot. All his caretaking and love, and providing for her has made her expect everything without giving anything back or even helping out in the slightest. He is a GOOD man, you would expect that she would follow after him and his example. Shes like her BM - unappreciative and lazy.

One of my problems (if you can call it a problem, actually I am not sure what to call it) is that she doesn't do drugs, she does ok in school, she doesn't have a boyfriend, she doesn't party, she doesn't go out with friends. So I should not be complaining right? She lies and is rude and mean and lazy, but she is not smoking crack and she is not an ax-murderer who is stealing from me. So who am I to complain right?

I feel like I am expected to just sit there and smile the whole time ala stepford wife.
"Just wait". Yah right. And shes on the streets that very day? Yah right, that's not going to happen, he would NEVER do this - however he WOULD insist her BM take her on permanently full time. hehehehe. However Im of the thought that wouldn't it be nice to teach her how to be a happy, productive person and NOT WAIT?

Got it. I don't know why

Got it. I don't know why these teens act like this, but it's aggravating. I mean, I do know why, because they like to be sh*t disturbers and let us know we don't matter. My mom/dad would have never let us get away with acting like that with our step-parents. It's a different generation now, and so much fun
NOT.

LOL. ITs funny, but its not.

LOL. ITs funny, but its not. Shes emotionally a 13-YO. age-wise old enough to drive and almost old enough to carry a gun and vote. Yet she still acts REALLY bratty. It makes my skin crawl, honestly.

So when she gets a job and

So when she gets a job and she's at said job for 3 years and she gets a new boss, is she going to be insubordinate because "she was there first" Her argument is invalid. YOU are the elder, YOU are the adult. Doesn't matter if you were there one minute or one decade. She should show you respect simply for being older than her. So technically YOU were here first!!

THIS!!!!!!

LOL. My SO tells me all the

LOL. My SO tells me all the time "Remember YOU are the adult". Yet when kidlings argue with him, he explains and gives reasons why he is saying "no" or why he wants them to do things for him to help out.

I do not have any Bio kiddies, so this is my first experience "being the adult" in a parent-child household. I am VERY green.

She is being disrespectful to

She is being disrespectful to you making this comment and at the same time trying to communicate to you have a place in the house beneath her "first" status. And, if you wait until she is 18 thinking that it will straighten out on its own....your misery is just beginning with this little sweetheart. If husband fails to set the record straight with her, she would make that comment one more time before I let her know exactly how I felt when she makes it and how I perceive her behavior.

Husband may wish to attend to this before you jump in yourself' either way it needs to be addressed NOW.

Good luck.....

CANYOUHELP, I agree. I am

CANYOUHELP, I agree. I am going to have a nice little talk with DH, and see how that goes. Being on this forum has really helped me "find the words" to my feelings, and be better able to communicate (at least in my head!). My conversations never go as expected with DH. Either he is receptive or he is way not. He understands that it is mean and rude, but chooses not to go much deeper than that. I am hoping that we can resolve this together instead of me either walking on eggshells in misery or blurting out all the thoughts in my head to a disastrous argument with SD17. SD17 is emotionally like a 13-YO. Her younger sister SD10, would never think of saying anything like that and things that is a very rude thing to say. She is WAY ahead with respect to emotional intelligence...

Thanks for your perspective!!!

Are you and your SO ever

Are you and your SO ever looking at moving into an "ours" home? This would help alleviate a lot of the troubles. Of course, she should simply understand that you are the adult. But looking back, when my mom started dating my stepdad and I was 16, if he moved into our home and started demanding all sorts of changes, I would've been pretty upset too. It's just how teenagers are. They've already had their life drastically altered by the divorce. I don't say this because you're in the wrong and she should run the household, I just say it because it might give you some insight into how she's feeling. Since my mom and stepdad moved us into a new house immediately, I didn't feel I had any say... It wasn't my home anymore, it was THEIR home and I was living in it.

Sunshinex - We ARE! We talk

Sunshinex - We ARE! We talk about it all the time, I research properties and cities and homes for sale (we currently rent). I just KNOW for a fact that many of our current issues would magically just go away (and new ones crop up, right?) if we could move into our new home. It is definitely a power struggle.

When I moved in full time last year in December, I did not make any huge changes. I haven't made any super huge changes, I just ask for help, and expect his daughter to wash her own dishes, help out a bit, pick up her own stuff, from common areas. The problem is many layers of things - its never just one thing, right? I came into the fold after a lengthy separation and before a hellish divorce. They had 50/50 custody, so the kids don't have continuity, they have the "permanent guest" syndrome, whereby there are no expectations, they just grab what they want from refrigerator, flip the channels on the television and have a bowl or plate of something placed in their hands for dinner.

I totally empathize with SD17.5 - I know it was an upheaval. Her whole entire world broke into pieces right in front of her. She needs to feel "in control" of something, so she is trying to find that semblance of independence she is seeking as well. I definitely hear you on the "it their home and Im just in it", but I am of the opinion that if she wants to be a member of the household with any say, she should at least humble herself enough to learn about the flow of the household, and then learn how to join it and be a part of it, instead of just floating between households without responsibility. I think having a say means you do something to contribute.

Its just so frustrating for me, that's why I am here.

Is there a launch plan for

Is there a launch plan for this lovely little crumpet? You know, since she's magically going to have a complete personality change on her birthday?

Sarcasm aside, as her birthday gets closer you need to sort this out with your SO. Will visitation end? Will SD be subject to/held to adult expectations? Where will she stay during uni breaks? You've turned the other cheek quite a bit due to her being classified as a child, but I'd make it clear that per your SO's own declaration, you'll accept nothing over than respectful behavior once she's officially an adult.

LOL, thanks for the smile!

LOL, thanks for the smile! Yah. magically at 18 she will be the sweet little girl she once was.

No Launch Plan has been shared with me, other than the daunting phrase "I just want her to graduate from high school (she failed a class her LAST year, dang!) and get a job somewhere." I THINK it is the child support/custody reason why he is "laying low" to the ground on this. I think he is feeling lucky that he is not pay any CS, only alimony, and thinks that BM will be the next place she can land full time when she's 18. I doubt she will go to college - she talks about it however. She is still in high school, with no license and no car and no job.

But you are so right. We will need to have that conversation, I am thinking around the 1st of the year, or within that month. I am still formulating my questions, thoughts, and desires. Plus working on MYSELF!

She has been behaving (right before Christmas every child is perfect! Plus I have a sneaking suspicion that, after our last argument, she truly believes that her father will pack her out when she turns 18. So she is minding her p's and q's to an extent. Plus I am disengaging and walking on the eggshells right now.

She was there first, as a

She was there first, as a child. She is still a child, and you are an adult.

Adults in the home outrank children in the home, no matter the timing of arrival.

Daddy needs to tell princess that she has to respect his chosen partner, or she will be dealing with him.

My SD25 will still

My SD25 will still occasionally bring up that she has known DH longer than me, and acts as if that means she knows him better. She also says things like "she was there first" too. Drives me crazy. Uh, I've been with DH for 11 years, and he is my husband, and we live together. SD hasn't spent the night in 10 years. She is his daughter, not partner in life. Completely different. I would never tell my father's girlfriends after my mother died that I knew my father better than them. Even if I really did, it was not in the same way. Ugh.

Yah. Im with you. Its rude,

Yah. Im with you. Its rude, and offensive and juvenile. Even the SD10 thinks it rude to say. Its just another attempt to make me feel like an outsider, a temporary person, lower on the totem pole. Its a power struggle. Im still formulating my response for the NEXT time comes out of her mouth.