Now I understand why I am always upset!
Reading through the different forums and postings, I have now been able to put words to the things that I have been hurt by and that have long frustrated me to the point of insanity! It should be freeing and lightening the load to vent and read others vents, but I am worried that it is adding fuel to the fire that is already there, making it larger and rage out of control.
I have learned the following:
#1. I am not Mom. I will never be Mom. I knew this upfront, and when the kidlings asked me what to call them, I simply said "My Name". I know this and am ok with this. I gradually learned that anything I did that was "mom-ish" would endear me and cause "I love yous" to pop out unexpectedly, and cause insane jealousy from BM, make her cry and test that "Loyalty Bind".
#2. I have Responsibility without Authority. What does that mean exactly? That means that when I am told that DH is taking SD10 for Taco Bell, I absolutely have no right to then say "oh no don't do that she will get sick, and she is already borderline obese". No I must simply say to darling little SD10, after Taco Bells been consumed, and she tells me she is sick and going to throw up, I must then say that "Im sorry your tummy hurts, sweetheart, here let me hold your hair while you throw it back up". Then I must grit my teeth while SD17 hovers at the bathroom door and shouts "XX don't do that! You always make yourself throwup on purpose!!!"
That means picking up SD17 on a cold dark night on a busy street in a city with the #1 fatality shootings in the state, picking her up because she decides she cant deal with BM's boyfriend and "just needs to go to dads".
That means asking the kids to pick up and then them shouting at you and arguing, calling you a nag and controlling.
#3. I get to watch kidlings in action with "mini-wife syndrome". What does that mean to me? That means when I want to kiss DH, he pulls away because it upsets daughter dearest, who always likes to make comments "that's so disgusting! That's gross! Why do you have to do that" when she catches us. That means that when I hug H, daughter dearest #2 shoves her body in between. That means that little one asks 20 times in an hour "wheres Daddy? Whens Daddy coming home?(if he went to the store quickly), can you call Daddy? Ask him when exactly hes coming home? Get watch kids hang all over him, while I sit alone on the couch during movies.
#4. I have learned to disengage. What that means to me is: I do not do SD17's dishes AT ALL. DH does them or asks her to do them. I do not ask them to pick up their stuff unless I absolutely HAVE To. I do not speak with SD17 unless NECESSARY. I do not ask SD17 to help with ANYTHING. I do not ask her to feed the family dog, or check on his water. I do not ask her to check on bunny. No requests to clean anything, or help cook family dinner. NADA. I do not ask for anything. Period. I also do not cook her favorite foods. I do not call her to the dinner table. I don't text her cool funny pics, and I do not ask about her illnesses/medication/how her day went. I walk on eggshells when around SD17. SD10 - I rarely ask her to do anything anymore either. I don't expect anything from her, don't remind her to brush teeth, take a shower, or clean bunny cage/feed bunny. DH does that.
#5. I have learned how to grit my teeth when:
~ they sit in front of television, laughing, while their dinner trash sits around them for 3 hours.
~ SD17 yells at her father and disrespects him.
~ SD17 whines and complains.
~ SD17 goes to DADDDDDDDDY for money because she has no job.
~ SD17 badgers DAAAAAADDDDDYYYY for a ride to Wal-Mart/target/mall/store for her makeup/hair/other products and general shopping because she has no license/car.
~ SD17 lies about anything/everything.
~ SD17 lounges on couch when I am cleaning/dusting/cooking/sweeping/organizing. And watches tv, without offering to help.
I have learned much more, but that's all I can handle right now.