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Munchkin on the warpath

CLove's picture

Just a little bit of an update.

Last night, while driving Munchkin home from her gmas house, we got into one of our many anti-Feral Forger conversations. We seem to get caught up these tense feedback loops whereby she will go into details of how lazy, mean and rude her sister is. And then reminisce about her past transgressions. I can see that she is hurt, and resentful. Shes normally so sweet and loving, and I think sometimes I encourage this releasing of resentment, because she feels safe with me and because I lived it too at one time.

It doesnt help things that her sister is living on her mothers couch and she sees her 50% of the time. And more now, because her sister quit her one job at Dennys and was just fired from her new job at BJ's. I am flabbergasted that at  20 she effed up her opportunities so badly. It was within walking distance of the apartment, so she would not need uber like before, a bit more upscale and expensive (great tips - at least $110 per night...) and she couldnt even make it in there. Missed 2 out of 4 days.

So because she is allowing her daughter to crash on the couch and do nothing shes the best mom ever. Munchkin resents this as well, I can see how conflicted she is, inside.

When it got to a seriously high level I had to stop her. I just told her that I have a lot of resentment too, over how Ive been treated. And how I let it get to me, how it eats at me, and sucks out the joy. I described that feeling of anger, sadness, hatred, all of it mixed together. Honestly, how to explain resentment to a kid whos 13 and shouldnt have to know that word definition. I told her that she needs to take that energy and build her boundaries, trengthen her boundaries and let go of those hurt feelings.

Her response was "well she always liked to tell me I was adopted, I was the mexican kid (shes filipino white), shes so racist...! And always makes fun of me!" Just more resentment pouring out. More hurts coming to the surface. I finished our conversation as we pulled into the driveway with "you know someday your going to pop, youll explode". She said "yeah and typically people explode over the innocent ones."

It was almost too much, and all I can do is perhaps give her the tools I learned here on Steptalk. It just really made me want to march over and shake that 20-year old lazy a$$ mean rude hateful pos.


"Bitterness and resentment are roads to nowhere. We all know this. But sometimes we need to take a walk down those roads and wallow in it for a bit just to feel how pointless those emotions really are. Just to gather enough strength to turn around and set ourselves straight. "


Lollybobs's picture

It's probably a good thing you verbalised resentment. It sounds like she can more than relate to it. Would she be happier living with you or is that not an option? I rather like the sound of her!

CLove's picture

Shes kind to animals and respectful, loving - sais "i love you" regularly, shes relatively CLEAN (her feet stink though), nice to everyone, funny, intelligent, thoughtful ("did you have a good day today cLove?")

We have discussed her living with us after she turns 18 and "can choose". Her mother would fight us on it tooth and nail, like really get the claws out and make up lies in court if she had to, you know because child support. Her mother doesnt ever fight clean or fair.

Munchkin is all for living with us full time and visiting her mother. We are waiting to see what happens with the mother and the apartment - lease is up in January I believe. Toxic Troll BM is not working so nothing is holding her to a location, and if she has to couch surf (hard to get an apartment with no source of income, and just a workmans comp settlement, but TT will latch on to someone Im sure.) kiddo can stay with us full time. Biggrin

Yes, the terms and emotional  language that I learned here on ST - I am using them with her and she gets it. Because we have been in battle together.

ESMOD's picture

We had YSD live with us for a bit when she was in 2nd grade.. only way that BM would agree? still pay HER child support.

both girls lived with their grandparents (my mil and FIL) for their last year or so of HS... again.. BM agreed if we still paid her CS.  (Their school system was better than BM's or ours.. and the girls had actually been raised at the GP's home for a few years after the parents split since my DH was working out of state.. and BM had no home ... so they really have a close relationship with the GPs.).

Both times my DH paid the money because it was worth it to get them out of BM's home where they didn't get proper attention.

CLove's picture

Might be worth it. Or might be worth filing at least. Except that DH doesnt think its that bad. He minimizes, and then he will tell me that this experience will "toughen her up and give her better people skills..."

ESMOD's picture

I would tell her that you know it is hard to deal with now.. but people like her sister aren't worth worrying about.  The best revenge is a life well lived and you can almost guarantee that she will be on living her best life while OSD is likely to still be sleeping on someone's couch trying to make people feel small.

Generally it's people that feel the worst about themselves try to make others feel worse  so that they don't feel as badly about themselves... but it's not nice.

CLove's picture

I was tired and a little overwhelmed last night - I use myself as an example, (lol!) that here I was being treated badly by "people" (referring to her mother would be countrproductive) and was criticised and now look where I am - have the guy, have the home, have the kid (her) and life is SOLID.

Good point. But Feral Forger has the ability to get herself up, she just prefers being down where she is, and she always has. Even when living with us, simple things, and it would be WW3. And her mother is weak.

ITB2012's picture

when she brings these things up that she's hoping you'll say that you love her and care for ? I'm assuming you do say that and she knows you care for her, but perhaps she's feeling really unloved and is looking for it from you?

CLove's picture

Im someone who is "on her side", because she feels that everyone in her life, excluding her friends and myself, prefers her sister to her.

She cant complaine to her mother, and Im not sure why she doesnt complaine to her father (his family), and her friends havent lived the situation and observed it - and I doubt she wants them to, because in the past her friends really liked her sister.

I tell her a lot how I feel...I just dont know if Im doing the right thing encouraging her venting about her sister. Like, is it helping anything...?