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Jumping Jack Flash Gas update

CLove's picture

DH came home after taking off his superman cape, and we lit a fire, and snuggled close, had some wine, and...

I got really mad.

Like furious mad. DH also got mad. He swooped in to rescue Toxic Troll so he can keep her mobile, so he doesnt have to drive as much and get stuck in traffic, for his daughter....etc.

I asked him what transpired in their conversation.

He said: "I told her that CLove is not happy with me doing this, that this is disrespecting our marriage, that with all the guys she is dating she needs to not call me."

She said: "Ok, I understand, but if this happened to you I would help you out". She is dumb as dirt. Read my previous posts, if there is any doubt.

That wasnt good enough for me. I was so mad. We got into an arguement. It got ugly.

This morning, more of the same

Him: "Im just trying to be a nice guy, to earn bonus points, to keep things friendly, to keep out of court..."

Im going to have to release this one. He is aware now that further rescuing of Toxic Troll will cause major upheavals in our marriage. He has told Toxic Troll not to call him for things. He has told her I am not happy with her using him as her "husband". He has told me that it was stupid of her to do this. He has told me this am several times this one incident was simply to keep his child in transport.

I just need to breathe I guess, and work through these emotions, this anger. It was all going so beautifully too - new job, future so bright...and now I feel like everything is sh!t. Shes always THERE, in the background, like a computer virus, ready to crash my Happiness Operating System. Like a sh!t sandwhich I am forced to eat daily. These emotions about her are wrecking my otherwise awesome relationship.

He insists he loves me, he wants me, and he wants to stay maried to me. Then why do I feel like there is another woman in my marriage? Why cant I accept this?

I have a feeling that there are lot of folks who can relate.

 

Comments

tog redux's picture

I can't relate directly because DH wouldn't piss on BM if she were on fire, BUT - does he ever think about WHY she does this? That she does it to keep a connection to him, to make clear to him that he is still hers, so to speak? That she can still control him?

I have two friends with amicable divorces. If their exes called them once for help, saying they couldn't reach anyone else, they would do it, for sure. But if they were the ex's go to on a frequent basis? Nope.

Evil3's picture

Who says you have to be the one to accept this? Your DH is the one who has to grab his balls out of his ex's purse and say no. I went through something similar and I laid the law down to my DH that so much as one more incident and I'm gone. I don't do other broads in my relationships so he needed to choose. He could not have both. He tried turning it around on me and saying that I was the one who was insecure, but I stood my ground and told him that he must make me feel secure and that I will not tolerate another broad in my marriage. That was 22 years ago and DH smartened up when it came to BM. There have been no further incidents of DH rushing to BM's rescue. Do not accept it. Not even a little bit. This is on your DH. If he told you that it's you being too sensitive or are ruining your happy life, then he is gaslighting you.

lieutenant_dad's picture

My DH has a chronic case of Captain-Save-A-Ho. Anytime he does something for BM, he says it's "for the kids".

Well no sh!t it's "for the kids" because BM can manipulate ANYTHING to make it about them.

Can't pay to get her car fixed? Well then she can't work, and then the kids have no where to live. Nevermind that DH and I are employed and own a house and two working vehicles and have a savings account and carry insurance on the kids and keep food in the fridge. The kids will be FINE if BM face plants.

I have gotten to the point where DH has been told that if he feels the need to save her, he can move in with her. I'll end our marriage, and he knows it. THAT part hit him, because up until that point I had never uttered leaving as being a possibility.

I think you may be at that point. If he wants to save her, he can move in with her. Munchkin has a home with you all if Toxic Troll falls apart. Munchkin will be FINE because you and DH are stable. It only looks bad on HER if she goes back to court - stable parents don't run out of gas on the side of the road and not have a way to get more.

So, break it down for him, but be ready to deliver on what you say. My DH knows I will tolerate a lot of crap, but if I say I will walk away, I f*cking mean it. You need to scare your DH, and if he isn't scared, then he doesn't care.

CLove's picture

And have money to talk the talk before hand. It will take me a few months to catch up and put some $$ aside.

So, yes, this is a hill to die on for me. I am at the breaking point.

I dont know if he will let me walk or not. But I am ready if necessary to find out. I dont want to be the "other woman" in my own marriage.

lieutenant_dad's picture

In the interim, start pulling away. If he asks why, say he has shown you that he can't be trusted to put you and your household first. That all you have asked is for him is to not help BM with non-directly-related SK things, but he won't do that, so you're pulling away to protect yourself.

It will either click with him that he is losing you, or you will start to see that you can do this on your own and pull the plug if you need to.

CLove's picture

I can feel myself gradually just wanting to distance myself naturally.

Just want time to myelf, away from him.

Winterglow's picture

Does he even understand why you feel like the other woman? Does he actually see that he threw you under the bus and that it was a cowardly thing to do? 

CLove's picture

Or he does and doesnt want to admit it, because then he would be in the wrong, and then he would have to stop.

Monkeysee's picture

Why is he telling her that you aren’t happy with her expecting all this help from him? Why is he not telling her that HE isn’t happy doing this for her? Instead he kept his balls in her clutch & used you as a scapegoat. How convenient.

I agree with LtD, he needs to fear losing you more than he fears her taking him to court. 

It’s not his responsibility to pick up after her all the time ‘for the kids’. All he’s teaching her is he’ll always be at her beck & call, and he’s teaching his kids that their mother is a helpless woman who will always need to be taken care of. This is a losing situation, with you at the bottom of the priority list.

Take care of yourself girl!

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Your H totally threw you under the bus, Clove. By telling TT that you don't want him helping her, he made you the bad guy and put a target on your back. What a mangina move!

Lace up those bi!ch boots good and tight, go on the offense, and demonstrate that your love and approval must be earned and protected. This is a multi-phase retraining operation, and the fight was only Phase I. Use your words and your pointy toe to teach him that he better never use you as a meat shield again. Give him several days worth of suffering, ice, whatever hurts. He's afraid of upsetting TT? Afraid of having to go back to court?? The dummy bred with a harpy; court is just part of the deal, so make him more afraid of losing you (your love, $upport, and the home you share).

Seriously, Clove. Love and Understanding only gets you so much when there's a Pavlovian Harpy sitting on the other side of the teeter totter. You need to overwrite his previous programming using whatever is necessary.

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

Until your DH is ready to 'leave' the relationship with BM she will always be the other woman in your marriage.  

He is allowing this behavior. 

His hero complex is not for the kids but for himself.

He has 2 women - one he is married to and the other to feel needed.

At this point your relationship is not number 1. If it were there would be no thought behind his responses for help. He would simply look, laugh and move on. (barring his kids stranded then he would pick them up and leave BM on the side of the road)

 

notarelative's picture

Gas? She called him for gas? 

He needs to find the paperwork for AAA and give it to her. He needs to tell her to sign up so that next time she needs help she has someone to call.

And not cool DH to throw Clove under the bus. Throwing your spouse under the ex's bus is never a good idea. 

hereiam's picture

First of all, it is NOT okay for him to use you as the reason that this is not appropriate. What he is saying, to you and to her, is that he is okay doing it, that he wants to do it, that YOU are the only one who wants to put a stop to it. And she is not the  one disrespecting your marriage, HE is. She does not care about your marriage, he is the one who should be putting it first.

Second, I just don't buy into the, "I'm doing it for my kid," line. I know this is a common theme and these men think that it's valid, but at some point, they need to let the mother deal with being a parent. If he didn't think she could handle it, maybe he should have stayed with her, ya know, just to make sure his kids would be okay.

It's not easy to say, "No," when you think it might affect your kid, but that's part of being divorced. He cannot control everything that happens at BM's, he cannot make up for her shortcomings, he cannot fix all of her failures, and he shouldn't try. He needs to let her be responsible for what happens on her time. She WILL figure it out some other way, if she has to. He needs to let her have to. He needs to stop enabling her.

Your husband's worst excuses? "Im just trying to be a nice guy, to earn bonus points, to keep things friendly, to keep out of court..."

He's more concerned about being nice to BM and earning bonus points with her, than he is concerned with his marriage and his wife. He just went to court over CS, there is no valid reason for her to take him back to court. He needs to stop living in fear of that.

If he really wants to stay out of court, he had better get his priorities straight or he will be back in court, alright.... divorce court.

 

 

susanm's picture

The thing is that they can make anything be "for the kids."  In our case BM was an ultra-conservative virtuous soccer-mom so she could put a moral "this is what good parents do so shame on you if you don't" spin on literally anything.  (Which is one of the reasons the marriage went south.  Imagine how much fun that was living with day in and day out!  But he gritted his teeth and stayed for almost 17 years before he couldn't take any more.)  It was truly astounding what she was roping him into doing before I told him he needed to choose between being with me and still being married to her for all practical purposes.

hereiam's picture

The thing is that they can make anything be "for the kids."

Of course, they can. BM could make fixing the vacuum cleaner "for the kids". 

susanm's picture

And DH would just suck it up.  LOLOLOL  Thank you.  I'll be here all night.  Remember to tip your wait staff.  Try the veal.

CLove's picture

I keep saying it until my face turned blue.

He still doesnt get it.

It was such an immense turn off for me, I had no interest in him sexually. Zero.

Ispofacto's picture

" CLove is not happy with me doing this"

Bonus for BM, I bet this gave her a thrill.  "He loves me more!"

 

CLove's picture

For not only getting him there with gas can in hand, but also upsetting me. She knows this is a no no - he just thinks that she is stupid and foolish. He doesnt see the manipulation part of things.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

This was me back in the day when I was in a relationship. This just popped up in my Facebook memories yesterday too. So North Korea is a hair dresser. And Dd4's dad kept going to her to cut his hair . And I warned him and I warned him and I warned him that his behavior was violating my boundaries and not appropriate. And so here I was newly pregnant and he hadn't even told him yet but I had just found out . And he goes to BM's house 45 mins away and has her wash his hair and towel dry it and cut it and I kicked him out that day. And I didn't let him back for like four months or longer after that . I can tell you he realized I meant business and he never had her cut his hair again. I do make my own money and own my house too though so there you go

CLove's picture

This is definitely a deal breaker! If she was the last hair dresser on earth, he must let his hair grow.

There is really nothing that DH would ever need from Toxic Troll - just kid watching and pickups.

Yeah, if Toxic Troll were to wash his hair and al that, I would freak.

I now make what he makes, and once we own the house, there will be more leverage. Just biding my time.

ntm's picture

in your marriage because there IS one. 

He shouldn’t be sharing your conversations with his EX. He shouldn’t be telling her what you think, feel, or have said. That’s a violation of your intimacy as a MARRIED couple. 

His EX needs a support system that doesn’t include him. She’s a third wheel in your marriage until he boots her the flock out because HE doesn’t want to be half-married to her. 

Blame it on the child. I’m only doing it for my child. Cut me a break. I used to hear that song and dance routine. “If you don’t give me extra money to fix the brakes on the minivan, I’ll be driving the kids around in an unsafe vehicle.” WRONG. Ask your parents for a loan. Get a second job. 

They have to figure it out on their own. She ran out of gas? IRRESPONSIBLE. And not your DH’s problem, kid or no kid. If the kid was with her, I would have told him to go get the kid and bring her home to ensure she’s safe while his wife on the side endures the natural consequences of being an idiot running out of gas. Basic AAA is cheap and they’ll bring you a can of gas. I think you can even sign up on the spot over the phone while broken down. 

He needs a huge wake up call. This IS a hill to die on. How long do you want to share your husband and have him share your confidences? If she asks what you said, thought, felt, he tells her NONE OF HER BUSINESS. The end. 

CLove's picture

I am definitely not happy with how he said things. She got extra kibbles for that one. He just said "yea it was a really stupid thing to do", but helped her anyway. She had an ENTIRE day to figure it out.

But no - Im the bad guy because "im not happy about it".

At the least he did say "hey Im married now I cannot keep doing this kind of thing!"

I wish he would simply say "no", and be done with it.

I wish she was married to someone dumb enough to be with her. Who is smart enough to be handy.

The problem is she is not a good catch, so she will end up with someone really lame and then she will STILL try to rely on DH.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

was the fact that she called him and he apparently put her off, but then called later to see if she still needed help! He went out of his way to see if she had taken care of getting gas. I would be furious.

My DH helped BM once after they were divorced. The divorce was recent, and she ran out of gas in a snowstorm. He helped her, but told her he was never doing it again. She asked a couple of times and once she realized he was serious, she never asked again.

Winterglow's picture

He might want to consider having the child support dealt with by the state and taken straight from his paycheck. The advantage of this is that she has a guarantee of payment, there is proof of payment, and your dh shouldn't have to deal with bm again for this because she'd have to learn to budget properly. OR does he get a kick out of "taking care" of her worries? Or is this the guy who is terrified of court orders ...?

CLove's picture

We have recieved the orders that state there will be withholding orders but nothing has been sent yet.

Then we received some paperwork from the local agencies stating that we needed to give them information, etc. I was going to help with this but have been letting him deal with things more and more.

Can you direct the state to do this? Or do you play the waiting game?

Yes he is terrified of court. Toxic Troll knows this, and has developed a taste for filling out paperwork and going to court.

TwoOfUs's picture

My DH doesn't do this at all (ONE time he went to her house to set up a TV in SS's room...that his parents had bought. I was fine with that.) 

However, once about 2 or 3 years into our marriage his parents were planning to give us a car. They called and talked to DH about it, and they suggested that maybe he could give his current car to BM since her car seemed to be on its last legs...for the kids, you know. DH told me...my parents will give us this car and then I'll gift my car to BM so she can have reliable transportation for the kids. 

I kind of flipped. I told him...since his current car was a lot newer and nicer than mine (and since I'd helped him pay for it rather than buying myself a new car) that I would feel like he was taking care of BM at my expense. I told him I'd rather not take the car from his parents than take it under the condition of giving BM his current car...and that his parents should just give BM the new car instead if that was their real concern. 

Anyway. Not sure how I had it in me to say all that...but I did. DH told his parents he didn't want the new car if the expectation was that he had to give his current car to BM. He didn't tell them I'd flipped out. He said that his ex-wife ruins cars (This is true. She's on her 4th car in the 9 years DH and I have been married.) and it would bother him to watch her trash a car that he'd paid for and taken good care of. 

His parents said that it wasn't a condition, just a suggestion and they totally understood his perspective. They gave DH the car, DH gave me his car...and I gave my car to my mom. We're all still driving these same cars, all have over 200K miles or close to 200K miles and are still running beautifully. Meanwhile, BM has bought and trashed 3 cars...

StepUltimate's picture

Good job!

thinkthrice's picture

on this one.   The Girhippo, during her "he'll-come-crawling-back-on-his-hands-and-knees" phase had the skids tell Chef that "the furnace isn't working" or "mommy's car isn't working' blah blah. 

Chef said "she should call [her] Grandpa!"   That was the end of that!

Hope she's not one of those "I'm soooooo independent and feminist and don't need a man" types.  Oh the HYPOCRISY!!

If she keeps getting away with it, it will only embolden her to push the envelope even further.  DH has to put a plug in this pronto.

CLove's picture

She has all these guys she has gone out with, but unfortunately somehow they cant be there - not like my DH can! He is known to be a really nice guy. Well, his beinga  nice guy really turned me off. No sex for two nights.