Healing after the battle
Thank you for everyones spport. It is truly a huge help in this battle for souls.
I lost the battle. Little Darling SD14 won. She won complete unfettered access to her phone and her friend. She won complete freedome at school. She won. But she lost me. She lost my time, resources, attention and intention for her ultimate good. She lost me, for the foreseeable future, as well she lost all days languishing at home with me while DH is out fishing.
I was in a dark place Friday. I felt like a horrible person. And started almost believing the crap that Little Darling was spreading about me. That I harassed her. That I called her a liar. BUT, being the person I am, I have learned to be reslient and reach out and pick myself up, after brooding about it.
Went shopping like crazy (retail therapy! It works!) and spent time talking about my situation with people full of empathy. I cried some tears. Went for a short hike in a lovely valley filled with sunshine. This was to stay out of the house because DH took me by surprise and went fishing all day leaving her at the house. So I filled my time, calling intermittently "are you home yet? When are you home?"
He was surprised at my insistence at staying away while she was there. I simply told him "she made accusations that I did things when you were not around, and you believe her, so I cannot go home now until you are there."
He wanted to go fishing again sunday. Ok, go fishing! Take Little Darling. He did. See, LD has to maintain that she is wanting to bond with dadee. Because that was an issue that was brought up, during the whole phone-gate. "The girls are always crying because you choose your WIFE over them and they want to BOND with you!!!!"
Whatever, they went so I could enjoy my day leisurely. Took the dog to the beach. Picked them up at the harbour and LD was very "sweet" and even chatted with me, like nothing happened. Laughed like not a care in the world and no accusations at all.
I dropped them off, and went to listen to live reggae music and ran into some friends who are musicians. We chair danced and laughed and I.Had.A.BLAST.
Step friends, it does get better, if you MAKE it better. I really extended myself, as you all advised. And I will stand my ground. Its going to be a long summer for Little Darling, I hope she is ready to spend every other weekend with Dadee. Fishing.
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Comments
Keep Disengaging
Though I would not be comfortable leaving the house just because LD is there. I would be home but just in my own space somewhere. But do what feels comfortable for you right now.
LD didn't win because instead of letting you help and guide her through school she'll now end up a loser just like FF and TT...so she really lost in the long run.
Thats right
It was VERY uncomfortable for me, I needed a shower after my hike! And it was expensive too...lol. But possibly might progress to that. However I am right now making a point. Hopefully the point will be gotten and understood - "you want to make untrue allegations against me? You really want to be a chit disturber? Really? Ok, well I will go into cLove protection overdrive".
Lost the battle
Hopeing not the war.
But she lost something valuable. Who knows what she will become. Perhaps my helping thise past 7 years made enoug of an impact, and it will be self sustaining.
I am going to enjoy spending that money I saved.
LD has not won. It may feel
LD has not won. It may feel like she has but she hasn't.
Both LD and your husband want things to go back as before, and the sooner the better. They are both hoping that this is just a bump in the road and it will soon smooth out. They both benefited from your involvement. They also benefited from you being the scapegoat. You will get some push back from your husband.
They are not going to enjoy the long term fallout, all of their togetherness, your DH having to be the parent (instead of you).
But you, you will have a great time with your new found freedom. No more stress about her schooling, no more entertaining her, no more being taken advantage of.
Have fun!
she hasn't won anything
she lost. she may think she's won but when she wants what you have to give and it's not there, she will at first be confused but soon realize this is the road she chose.
I'd insist Daddy take her, remind him of the importance of him having her so he can spend time with her. Remind him of her lies. Remind him that you are no longer interested in perticipating in her life and will not change your mind. Remind him that she lied, and he chose to believe her lies and that means she cannot be left near you alone, who will protect her?
I know my replies seem tough but that's because in life you are only a door mat when you lie down and allow people to step on you. She did not like your participation and if she asks you for something steer her right to Dad "your father will take care of that." "ask your Dad to help you" "I'm sorry but I am no longer doing those things."
HUGS HUN
Stay disengaged to protect your amazing self.
All the love you wanted to give girl, give back to yourself.
She will eventually figure
She will eventually figure out what she has lost out on, especially the longer you are disengaged and she's not getting help from either of her parents. Much like FF as they grow and find there is nobody who really cares they act out to try to find somebody who will. It's a rough road to be a step parent, but you have to just stay out of it.
Both your DH and LD are used
Both your DH and LD are used to the drama - everyone screams and yells at each other, threats are made, and the next day everyone is besties again. This is how it goes with my SS21 and BM's toxic family. SS and BM get into a dramatic fight, SS will be texting DH about how he hates BM and he's going to move out, and telling DH all these secrets he's not supposed to tell him about BM ... and then the next time DH talks to him, everything is fine. No mention of previous drama and threats.
YOU aren't used to that kind of toxic interaction. You feel hurt and take it at face value, and make changes based on how they treat you, they don't. They expect to just hurl threats around and all is good.
Stick with getting yourself out of that toxic dynamic.
Besties
I always like to tell Little Darling "Enemy bonding is a thing". I am the new/old enemy. I am despised. I am "damaging the child" (yes that was in a text). So now that the drama blows over, its calm and peacefull again (until LD and FF go at it again)
Yes, DH is being very pleasing to appease LD, LD is being very pleasing because "dadee I dont want to lose you...!"
Its like nothing happened. Yet something happened. And yes you nailed it, she is too used to drama. Like her mother and sister, they thrive on it. I just get bummed out. They create their enmeshed alliances.
Well they can have each other! Im good over hear with DH and the dog and cat. Bye Felicia!
Not only is she used to it,
Not only is she used to it, but your DH is, too If he wasn't, he would have already sat LD down and talked to her about her unacceptable threats and accusations. Instead he just acts shocked that you don't want to carry on, business as usual.
Thats something
Im always wondering about that. He plays like he is anti-drama, yet he always announces his interactions and dealings with Toxic Troll.
Business as usual is now changing.
LD didn't win anything. She
LD didn't win anything. She lost the only positive influence she had in her life. People like TT, FF, LD, BM here, and my SS17 think they can just stir drama, do hurtful things, say ridiculous things, make accusations etc and 5 minutes later pretend like nothing happened and everyone is suppose to just be ok with it. They don't understand why people turn against them. Their brains can't/won't understand the concept that you can't go around treating people the way they do and not expect people (the ones the are causing harm too) to change how they treat them.
I was never as emotionally invested with SS17 as you were with LD but, he doesn't grasp that concept about why I don't do a single extra thing for him. When he goes in to his tantrums (when I get involved) he always says "I don't do shit for him." SO always backs me but, wtf am I suppose to be doing for you.. he can't ever answer that. He's jealous of the "extras" I do for SD14 and SS16. Well sorry kid you treat me like shit you don't get extras. You have parents. Bottom line. I've told him this..
If something happens down the road with SS16 (which I highly ever doubt) or SD14 where the "turn" on me it will be a sad day but, I already have a harden personality and I will have no problem not doing a thing.
Stay disengage. For your own sanity. I know it sucks watching someone you cared about walking all over you but, wounds heal. They just take some time.
If you have the tiniest
If you have the tiniest smidgen of care left for LD the most important thing to do is to make the lesson stick. The choices we make in life can cost us. She won’t realise it yet but eventually she’ll come to the realisation that she has lost you for good. And there’s nothing she can say or do to repair her words and actions. Hopefully this is a lesson she’ll remember later on in life as she navigates through other friendships and relationships: don’t screw it up and don’t screw a good person over if you don’t want to be alone forever or forever chasing new friendships after burning the last one.