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Harry Stiles kinda night - Drama with different colors

CLove's picture

So - updates - Little Darling Sd14 FKAM (formerly known as munchkin) was marked absent today. Every excuse, with screen caps and proof!

~ something ive done previously is fix that and email folks. nope - heres the number you guys can fix! haha

- I printed out a screen cap of parent portal and grades. Toxic Troll supposedly spent 3 hours helping LD with her biology and english - helping to study over the phone. complex sentences and cell structure. because ive never been supportive. its 1 month to end of semester, cool, they are stepping up. oops! according to parent portal i see test already happened and low score...

- im a creeper on parent portal because i keep current on grades. toxic troll after 10 months still hasnt figured it out...but texts dh "send me ur code so i can get on there", hes like ok figure it out cLove did, and if you want the code ask her.

- TT texted dh many paragraphs about "your daughters love you and want to connect with you and you always put your wife ahead of your children, and they want to be in your life but she is so horrible (forget sbout me getting ff presents and orchestrating bday dinner and 7 years of loving FKAM)" and yay, he textd back, my children have me here. im right here. And feral forger is a grown ass adult at 22, and if she wants a relationship i reached out.

THEN MY FAVORITE - Toxic Troll texted "both your 2 daughters need their daddy, and feel you put your wife above them, maybey your wife could stay somewhere else so you could bond with them BOTH at the same time" haha. We saw right through that. SD14 FKAM cant stand Feral forger. Not even on the same room. TT is trying desperately to get FF over to daddees place. He texted back "that is her home, so no,"

We both saw that and laughed. Then the threats of full custody, and moving. DH shrugs and goes "after 3 years Im free, if she wants to go, ok, she goes!" No guilt.


The_Upgrade's picture

I know it's hard but try and stay off parent portal. The aim is to ultimately feel nothing. After my parents divorced my mum's well meaning friends kept her updated on dad's movements. She'd call me all happy to hear he's miserable with his new wife. But that meant she was still emotionally connected and invested. Gotta stop triggering yourself by checking in.

CLove's picture

I did it to help DH =  after the text assault where suddenly she is taking over and the hero, he told her that she needs to stay away on his weeks, so parent portal is his "power move" so he can have all info. I tried to teach him about it to remove myself.

Miserable with new wife. Thats exactly Toxic Troll. 7 years in and still she wants him back emotionally. And I am horrible new wife and she is meaningful wife because 20 years and 2 children. Sorry - triggered.

AgedOut's picture

He doesn't need help to police his child, he just doesn't want to do it and after what a couple days? here you are doing it for him again. You have the ability to take yourself out of the revolving door, I really hope you do it. Delete the app, stop focusing on her, Nothing changes unless you actively change it.


Otherwise, you'll be hurt again in a week. 

futurobrillante99's picture

You say "helping" but it's actually enabling your DH and it keeps you involved. 

Don't forget how the two of them set you up and then threw you under the bus.

He's acting helpless to keep you over functioning for him. 

Don't get suckered in again!!

MissK03's picture

Give him a cheat sheet or have him call school/go down there and they can help him navigate it. If it's power school it's pretty basic. Him not being tech savvy or whatever is a lame excuse.. it's 2021.. figure out how to see your kids grades. For real. If you keep checking it will be very difficult for you to let go of that burden of her grades.

Ugh it sucks but, do what's best for you! 

CLove's picture

Ill set that up and he can go online his own self, on family computer.

He has been told by toxic Troll that she is now in charge of school (after 5 months, shes not in charge) so he is sitting back watching the show.

MissK03's picture

When we had our blowout BM called the schools and had my accounts deleted and stuff. Emailed teachers with my email "this is my ex husbands gf she is to have no communication."  That was the first email she had sent to a teacher in years because SO took care of everything. 

She got SOs account deleted too. He had to go down to school etc. Vice principle said he was going to make sure that didn't happen again. Even the office people were like yeahhhh we heard about that. They knew SO.. they didn't know BM. 

Not once after that did I look at another grade. Seriously.. not once! Wasn't worth it. I simply could have downloaded it and used SOs login but, nope wasn't happening. BM wanted to play "mom" go for it. That didn't happen and SO continued dealing with it LOL.

 I am sure the school will help him. Granted this year is almost over so nothing really can do now but, next year stay clear of it! 

CLove's picture

Toxic Troll has broken ribs and no internet (couldnt figure out how to set it up even with tech support...) and Little Darling was set up by me with a hot spot for internet there.

So, I doubt she will figure out how to block my access in any way. But Im free of needing it. But she still needs to figure out how to get her own access.

It made us laugh. Dh was telling me "if she asks for any codes Ill tell her you have all the codes and if she wants them from you, after what was texted, she might want to apologise!" lolololol.

tog redux's picture

He should tell her to set it up with the school herself.

Honestly, I see where others are coming from - but if you look at the portal, it's fine, as long as you don't do anything about - don't push DH or TT to do anything, don't let them know what's there, etc.

MissK03's picture

He should tell her to figure it herself. She doesn't have internet *shrugs shoulders* oh well. 

The_Upgrade's picture

Give yourself time. It hasn’t even been a week yet. There isn’t any set time limit on it, it’s just the end goal for eventually. But if you keep your eyes on the end goal then there’s less chance you stray from the path. Set yourself some hard rules and stick by them until you’ve done it so many times it becomes second nature. That’s when you know you’ve successfully disengaged. Hang in there CLove. X 

CLove's picture

Yes, "stop it" when I start thinking of how I can help in any given situation.

Letting go and grieving are part and parcel of step life.

Tried out's picture

you can keep away from the parent portal completely you would be doing yourself a favor to ask that the password be changed. Even if it's TT or FF. It's impossible to erect the disengagement wall if  you are still mired in SD's world. I had to do this with my ex when we split up. I could snoop his emails and did for a few months (which was kinda fun, actually) but I knew it had to stop if I wanted him to not take up space in my head. It worked wonders. 

AgedOut's picture

anger, disappointment, hurt, hope these are all valid. it's not about not feeling, it's about changing things so you don't feel the hurt, anger and disappointment over and over for the rest of your days. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I agree from this point forward for your own well being completely step back and let DH figure it out in his own. 

You need time to work through your own emotions and to focus in yourself. It's best for you at this time to not have knowledge of any of the drama regarding SKs. To not have any involvement no matter how small. 

tog redux's picture

I admit, I couldn't stay off the parent portal, either. It was just too juicy watching SS's absences and failing grades pile up.  In the end of course, he graduated, they made sure of it.

Good for you for staying out of it.  Sadly, the kinder you are, the more you get punished in the end.

justmakingthebest's picture

I am still addicted to the parent portal and the patient portals that we know about. I check them all the time. Sometimes I tell DH what I see, other times I just shake my head and say not my problem anymore. 

It probably means I am going to hell, but I do have satisfaction knowing I am raising my kids to be so much more than  SS16 will ever be. 

tog redux's picture

BM here spent so much time and effort blaming DH for SS's school problems that it was sweet vindication to watch him do so poorly when he was alienated. Of course, then she just blamed HIM, so it was still not her fault. 

The_Upgrade's picture

I’ll admit if I was in the same situation with my SD I would be checking in to see her fail - with a bag of popcorn. But unlike CLove, I have never loved my SD. I wouldn’t be fighting an urge to rescue her or feel conflicted about feeling happy or sad about where she’s ended up. 

tog redux's picture

Yeah, there was none of that for me when looking at SS's grades, just a lot of schadenfreude.  Smile



CLove's picture

wants that kind of validation too.

Like, ok I worked with her for 5 months, and bought a book, and art supplies and I did NOTHING to support of help. ok TOXIC TROLL swoops in on the last month and cant even figure out parent portal access the entire time and now wants us to hand over codes? LOL. Thats so funny. And then claims "she helped her study for quizes" she already took and scored low on.

It would be comedy except my feelings are hurt.

tog redux's picture

Eh, it's not ugly. It's human nature to want to see those that hurt you shown for who they really are. 

AgedOut's picture

so you tried and she pooped on you. let her parents parent now. I see you setting yourself up and eager to get back in there and I hope you believe me when I say that now that kiddo has found something that works to give her what she wannts, she will do it again and Dad will do nothing because doing nothing is his jam. Stop yourself. Find a new focus and why are you paying for a hot spot at her mom's house? it's not your responsiblity. it's her mom's. you've been played by all of them: kiddo, her mom and worst and most of all her dad. 

CLove's picture

Yep, She knows exactly how the game is played. She knows how to "make people do things". Shes drunk and high off the power right now.

Im so doing good backing off, I SWEAR. DH wanted me to call in for a class today, and I said um you got this! He wants to go fishing tomorrow, I said erm you take Little Darling for BONDING time over blood and fish guts! Heck if Im going to be alone with a lying LD.

halo1998's picture

I just let DH do that and he tells. 

We too have some sweet vindication the GWR continues to fail under Beaver's tutalege.  See...before ALLLLLLL of GWR's problems were because of DH.  When GWR took himself to the Beaver Damn....DH washed his hands of him.   Funny GWR still continues to fail and now its DH's fault for not being there for GWR.....but it is NEVER EVER Beaver's fault for being a shite mother.

AgedOut's picture

to put yourself right back into it? 

He shows you the texts from her and he draws you right back w/out him being held accountable. Lather, rinse repeat. He let you fall hard, he let you feel pain butt now he's got you  convinced it's your fight again and he skated right on past whistling. 


This past time, he set you up for failure. Right now it will be you setting yourself back up for failure. And he's living his exact same life. 

CLove's picture

I am letting go, and handed him his info, I can now just walk away. 

And Im working on that!

Toxic Troll is "taking over helping Little Darling with her schoolwork".

So we are both free.

And its the last month anyway.

Im going to remember this pain as part of my letting go, so I will not repeat this in the future.

ndc's picture

You're still much too involved.  Don't look at the parent portal.  Don't give them the number to call.  This is no longer your problem.  Make clear to DH that no adult children will ever be living with you, and then stop worrying about SD14's education.  Tell him you're not interested in any texts from TT or FF, and that you don't want to hear anything about SD14's schooling or relationship with her mother or sister.  SD14 is HIS responsibility alone now.  He (and she) blew their opportunity to have your generous help.

CLove's picture

That everytime Toxic Troll and he get into a texting fight, and he shows me, it totally makes me upset, and creates drama with us.

Its tiring and it really doesnt affect me anyway. I always think I need to see them, to protect myself, but I already take measures to protect myself.

We both agreed that I really need to let go of needing to see the texts.

caninelover's picture

Goes for social media too.  After I disengaged from Bratty I don't follow her anymore nor do I post publicly much.  So she has nothing to complain to SO about.

SO recently asked me if I saw Bratty's post about such and such and I said no I unfollowed her because I'm sick of all her political posts in my feed (partly true but mostly I just want her out of my headspace).  He looked hurt but didn't say anything else.  Not sure why he looked hurt, her posts are idiotic and most are not even correct gramatically.  Not sure why this generation puts exclamation points after a normal sentence that should end with a period but she does that all the time.  Sorry - total digression LOL.

CLove's picture

I mostly avoid political posts and my pet peeve are folks that post in all caps.

They are mentally disturbed is my belief. 

I blocked Little Darling on all social media as well as feral forger sd22. Thats just a window for Toxic Troll to see into our lives because the skids are so enmeshed with her.

Bratty and her posts must have hurt your head when you didnt unfollow. Did you all out block?

caninelover's picture

At first I tried to tolerate them but unfollowed when I disengaged (didn't block as that would create unnecessary family drama with Bratty filing another complaint to SO).  This way I don't have to see it and since I only post 2 or 3 times a year (birthdays, vacation pix) on my public timeline there isn't much there for Bratty to see and potentially weaponize Smile

Its good that you blocked them though.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You need to get harsh with yourself and FULLY commit to disengagement, hon. No wiggling, rationalizing, or bonding with your DH over skid and TT related stuff. Shut that door.

Stay out of the parent portal, social media, etc. Take a break from us if needed. BE DONE! There's been a death (the murder of your relationship with YSD), so get busy mourning, grieving, and adjusting.

You have two big obstacles to disengagement - yourself, and your H. Be ruthless with both. DON'T ENABLE, ASSIST, FACILITATE, OR GUIDE HIM. This could be the making of him as a parent, but only if you get the H@ll out of the way.

CLove's picture

Twitching yesterday...over all the printouts I should not have made him, and as I tried to explain things, he poo poo'ed me away. 

I blocked them from all social media. So no temptations there. 

I did relapse and look at an email about finals and then habitually look at the calendar and calculate when shes with TT and if it correlates with finals. And then, twitching, I blanked that part out.

Hes fishing tomorrow probably. I did create a boundary that Little Darling is going with him because she needs bonding time with her dadeee. And suggest that he take feral forger so they could duke it out again over fish guts.