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Feral Forger SD21 and I

CLove's picture

yesterday I took a personal day.

And took Feral Forger SD21 out for a burger.

I had reached out and we sort of chatted the night before so I though "what the heck its a bit of closure and healing".

I picked her up and she had bathed, but her nails were chipped, her skin super bumpy, she looked pale and out of it (but not as out of it as Christmas!)

I took her texted order, prepaid and picked her up after locking my purse in the trunk.

We wore masks. We sat at benches at a park near the apartment, in the complex. I was a nice sunny day. Chit chatted about this and that, shared a few funny stories. I enjoyed it, and it felt nice.

Went home with a burger for Munchkin. She was piddling around. I told her what I had done, and she kind of got quiet. I told her a few reasons why I did what I did. She just said "well now shes going to start asking you for things". I just told her nothing more was asked of me and we left without the usual "we need to do this again" stuff. She asked for nothing. 

Then, lol, munckin made the comment "I really wonder why shes so different from me...really". That one shocked me a bit. We considered different theories. They all sounded good.

Then she and I laid out on the grass out front. For the next few hours just sunshine and silence.

Which leaves me thinking about her question  "why ARE they so different?"

- Is it birth order

- Different ages when the separations and divorce happened?

- They are parented differently?

- The cLove effect? (lol!)

Comments

caninelover's picture

Thats big news.  So out of curiousity what made you decide to reach out to FF?  I do think Munchkin is right - she'll eventually ask you for something small leading to something big.  But its good that she came, in any case, and kept things pleasant.

As to why they are so different, probably a combination of the stuff you already list, including the cLove effect Smile

CLove's picture

Our relationship has been so full of conflict, both real and imagined. She used to be really into hair and makeup and dressing up, so it was a little shocking to see none of that was happening (because no job).

I wanted a healing interaction that was positive. 

Part of why I reached out was the last weekend when Munchkin was relating how her mother  was "revealing her TRUTHS", including that she did not choke FF, nor did she ever body slam her. I SAW the freaking bruises and saw how her throat was so swollen she couldnt get down hardly any water. It made me so freaking mad! And how munchkin and her mother are so deep in their "co conspirators" mentality. I know that Feral Forger is selfish self serving and moral compass points the opposite of north and shes said some horrible things. But how horrible to have a mother that would hurt you like that and then re-write it to erase it. To her sister.

And if she is genuinely wanting a relationship that doesnt involve moving back in, I am open to it. In a limited fashion. Im finding it very healing to not have that immense anger that I always had for her.

caninelover's picture

I would like to get to a similar place eventually with Bratty, far in the future.  Not because I want a relationship with her but just for SO to be able to have whole and relaxed family events someday.  I'm not sure if it's possible, and if it is it is far in the future, but who knows.  And yes, it must not involve her living with me at all.

 

Right now I'm still processing.  My main concern is that Bratty is so broken that I don't know how or if we can move forward from where we are.

tog redux's picture

I give you a lot of credit. You are still willing to put yourself out there for these girls - you are a kind person. I once cared a lot about SS but I'm not willing to take that chance anymore.

As for your question about why they are so different - all of the reasons you gave, plus temperament and genes.

CLove's picture

Very very limited. And not forgetting who her mother is and how enmeshed they are and always have been. My heart was hurting for the child she was who was betrayed, body slammed and choked by the person she should be able to trust the most in. The unfairness of how toxic troll is trying to erase it like it didnt happen. I got so mad, seeing the enmeshment with muchkin and how calm and happy she is as her mother is revealing "untruths" how eager she is to accept that her sister is "just causing drama and playing victim and mom told me she did not choke her or slam her against a wall"

I saw those bruises as she brushed her hair away from her face. I saw as she attempted to swallow water and struggled.

I guess my healing journey has been somewhat successful. Ive been working on it - through post, and taking her out to lunch, as adults, I found that it was nice! She was nice! I would never live with her. But a lunch or dinner here and there would be ok. If not for the fact that munchkin hates being around her.

Its an interesting question muchkin posits. She always surprises me with her depth.

caninelover's picture

Just be careful to not let pity drive you somewhere to far to fast with FF Smile

Yes FF had a lot of maddening crap to deal with due to TT but FF will also need alot of help to heal herself.  And enmeshment with TT won't help that.

Tried out's picture

Suddenly getting bumped up to adult status when your mother starts confiding in you is so seductive. And being Mummy's protector? Being sucked into the the "you and me against the world" love affair? Icing on the cake.

This happenes in intact families, too - I still get flashes of memory where my mother did this to me, to turn me against my oldest sister who saw through her. It's such a lousy thing for a mother to do to her child. I will never understand it.

CLove's picture

It IS very seductive, and its exactly what Munchkin was craving. And Im seeing it and it is turning my stomach and causing sleepless nights.

JRI's picture

I admire you for reaching out to FF, you have guts!  Her story is tragic but you and I know she's a people user.  But still tragic.  What made you do it?

I'm guessing Munchkin is a little jealous, probably feels like Clove is "hers"   

CLove's picture

more ofthat "righteous anger", than the whole pity thing. But there was empathy. Which is new and unusual towards her.

It was very healing. Im not angry like I was before, when she lived with us, and was treating me like dirt and saying horrible things.

JRI's picture

Admittedly, we had 5 kids from 2 different families.  4 of them had the same teacher in Middle School.  I was up there every year for conferences.  The last time, she asked, how can they all be so different?  I reminded her that they were from 2 different families.  She said, even so, they are all being raised in the same house.  One of life's mysteries.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

With SDs one has inherited all of BMs bad genes and the other has SOs personality. 

MissK03's picture

SS17 and SS16 couldn't be more opposite. Everything about their personalities is different. 
 

I am big on genetics. Yes, a portion is your environment/how you are raised but, genetics seems to win in a lot of cases and play a bigger role then most people want to accept. 
 

Stay guarded clove with FF. 

advice.only2's picture

CLove as I have said before you truly are a very kind and caring individual. I understand why you did what you did and I'm glad you were able to connect with FF even for a brief moment. Who knows maybe her seeing there are people out there who care about her life and well being might be enough to help her get clean, I doubt it, but one could hope right?

CLove's picture

There is always some shred of hope.

Stepdrama2020's picture

You are a genuine lady. 

If you gave FF even an hour of goodness that will imprint on her more than you will ever know. You did a good thing. Remember to guard your heart girl, which I see you are, cause these girls sound damaged by TT.

Zenmode's picture

So different from each other. Raised the same. I had several kids close together(like a lot) . It makes no sense other than the dna mix and certain traits coming from me and some from their dad.