You are here

<Insert Primal Scream> Embracing the Suck

CLove's picture

Well, same crap, different year. The Skids have taken it upon themselves to change up the custody schedule and no one decided to include me in their discussions. SD10 and SD17 have decided they want to "try" going 5 consecutive days in each house. Previously it was 3.

I only found out because we were watching a movie, and I mentioned S10's hamster wheel should be hooked up somehow to a battery to power the house. The response was classic kid response: "well then when would I get any sleep?" I said well you are here 3 days on and 3 days off. She said "no we are going to 5 days now".

A few moments later, I got up, completed dish washing, and calmly went to bed in the middle of the movie. I love this movie, it was one of my favorites and I wanted to share it with SD10. For Black History Month - "The Secret Life of Bees". Completely ruined my evening. I did mention "hey it would have been good to be included in these discussions, instead of being on the outside..."
Before going to bed WITHOUT saying good night sleep tight see you in the morning. SO and I had a nasty argument over it.

Am I wrong to be so livid? I tossed and turned all night, full of anger and anxiety. If you have read any of my previous blogs you would know why the anxiety.

This morning, SD17 had the audacity to ask me for a ride to school "absolutely not, it always makes me late for work, I have to hit the shower". She asked me because she was too busy preening in front of the mirror to make it in time to leave with daddy who drops precious snowflake off at school that is an easy 20-minute walk on a gorgeous sunny day.

So, as the title suggests, I am EMBRACING THE SUCK. My life is not going well on all counts. As of today, my dear sweet mother has been diagnosed with lung cancer, my relationship is strained at best, the kids are rude and unappreciative, lazy, complaining, whining, and NOT MINE. I am isolated from friends in the town where I live. I do not enjoy my job at all, and make just enough money to keep me locked in at poverty level, thusly making me dependent on SO. Finally, the final suck, the transmission on my car is out, and will cost $2,000 to fix. I currently drive a borrowed car from SO.

Being the woman my mother taught me to be, I am putting on my big girl britches, sucking it up temporarily and will completely focus on self-improvement. Disengagement will be my best friend. So will the treadmill and my smoothie maker. I will be friendly and happy in front of skids, on good days, distant and absent on the bad ones. I am SO very disappointed. This has been happening consistently over the past 3 years, and I am beyond fed up. I cannot let this burden my life anymore. The only way to deal is to create options, and get on with my life.

I TRIED discussing with my SO, that we were supposed to be in AN EQUITY PARTNERSHIP WORKING TOGETHER, MAKING BIG DECISIONS TOGETHER, BUILDNG A LIFE TOGETHER (thank you Rags), but SO wouldn't know a partnership if it walked up to him, kissed him on the lips, slapped him in the face, and put a knee to his crotch.

Embrace the Suck.

Comments

Aniki's picture

Aw, hon, I've got nothing except {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}.

However, I believe you have the right idea: create new options and get on with your life.

CLove's picture

DH comes back with "my children are always welcome in my home".

No one ever said anything about not being welcome, my point is that I should be included in these decisions. It will take lots of training time with this one, he is stubborn.

CLove's picture

Baby bugged, that is funny you should say that, because I have a degree in economics. And a decent career/background experience.

I made some major mistakes along the way, but my minimum wage job is supposed to be a stepping stone to a better career. Just trying to learn as much as I can...and hopefully double or triple my wage as the payoff. I also lack confidence, so exercising and being healthy will hopefully be the kick in the pants that I need to get my self out there. I live in a VERY very small collection of small towns. No large corporations like I am used to, with the large pocketbooks.

But thank you for the advice and for caring enough to respond. it really does help.

Ninji's picture

Oh man that sucks.

Two weeks ago BM decided she didn't want to be "blamed for SS's behavior anymore" and dumped him on us. I get a text on the way home saying SS is living with us full time now. It's something we always wanted and talked about but the suddenness of it was shock to the system and we did have a huge argument about it that night.

Did you SO say why he didn't tell you about the change? Fingers crossed they don't like it and go back to 3 days.

CLove's picture

Wow. You got what you wanted, but now you cant be mad about not being told ahead of time. So its almost a double-backwards suck.

Ninji's picture

I get upset when I feel like BM is running my life. We had to put him in a new school and completely change our schedules with zero notice. It's great he's away from her, but I would have rather had time to plan somethings.

SM12's picture

Ughhh I am having flashbacks of Mine and DH's early years in StepHell. I finally managed to break DH of the "making big changes without discussing" habit by not being available for his changes. He would agree to having me keep the SS's while I worked without my permission or knowledge. I work from home. So I started planning meetings outside of office on purpose so he would have to scramble around and make other arrangements. "sorry DH, you probably should have checked with me first"
I did that for a whole summer. I would plan an offsite meeting (or make one up) just so DH would have to change his schedule around or back out of the agreement he made.
I had no issues with him taking the SS's extra time if he was home to deal with them. But when he involved me without my permission, I made sure it was way more trouble for DH then it was worth.

If you SO expects you to be the care taker for those extra days, make other plans and tell him no. If he will be around to do the heavy lifting, make other plans to pamper yourself and get away from the chaos. I also found by leaving DH along with the SS's, it make him actually interact with them. He had to cook, watch and pay attention to them. I took off and had dinner with friends, went to work out, visited family. Left him to handle it. After a few times of doing that, DH wasn't so keen on spending so much time with them alone.

CLove's picture

SM12, as part of my "Embrace" I am thinking of ways that I will no longer be "available".
Example:
You want to go fishing and it is your week? Oh, sorry! I am busy!
You need to do some sidework, and snowflake has a bday party to attend? Sorry! Busy!
Oh, snowflake 1&2, you want to stay with us LONGER? OK! Chore list!
You like my food/cooking/stuff? Sorry - not yours!
You are BORED here? Oh! Sorry!
You are HUNGRY? Ok MAKE IT YOURSELF! Then wash dishes.

Gimlet's picture

You want to go fishing and it is your week? Oh, sorry! I am busy!

I will never understand this. If it's his custody time, he should be spending it with his kids, barring any mandatory obligations or important events.

So he expects you to pick up the slack, but doesn't want to include you in decisions? I would not be down with that.

CLove's picture

Gim - its even worse than you could imagine. I would take kidling to special park, and play with her (SD8-10) and then to museum and then by sno cones. Then honey would come in around 7-8 too tired to spend time. Or cook. So I would cook.

Gim - there is a silver lining to this one - fresh bay-caught fish fry, fresh homemade crabcakes (mine) with hollandaise. Cracked crab in butter.

YES, exactly. I pick up slack and have "responsibility without authority". The very definition of this.

hereiam's picture

SO wouldn't know a partnership if it walked up to him, kissed him on the lips, slapped him in the face, and put a knee to his crotch.

Maybe you should give the last two a try, just to be sure.

I would be pissed, as well.

DaizyDuke's picture

Sorry about your mom! I'll keep her in my prayers.

I would have been pissed too! I discuss EVEYTHING that has to do with our home with DH prior to making decisions.. that's just how I am, to me it's common freaking courtesy since we share the same space. So if BS7 asks to have a friend over to play, I run it by DH first, if I'm contemplating having my mother over for dinner, I run it by DH first. If I'm thinking about having a friend stop by to see the horses or something, I run it by DH first. But when DH UNILATERALLY decided to move SD in, he just TOLD me that he was going to pick up SD, that she was moving in. I broke out in tears, he got pissed, then I got pissed and oh joy, that was the start of a shitty ass 2 years, that probably could have gone A LOT differently if things would have be discussed FIRST!

I guess on the bright side, while they will be with you an extra 2 days, they'll be GONE an extra 2 days too? Ugh. Sorry! Sad

CLove's picture

Thanks Daisy, for looking at the bright-side silver lining for me. I forgot about that!!! LOL. Too busy having a pity party.

Oh that is a total suck right there, moving SD in without any discussion.

I am thinking that since my SO an SDs do not particularly enjoy "family roundtable discussions", that now regular family discussions will be routine, part of the deal. We will talk about EVERYTHING. With printed agenda, old business/new business, topics of disussion etc.

AJanie's picture

So relatable, CLove. All the hugs and well wishes to you.

PS: Bravo for smoothie making and exercise. I tend to smoke and drink - which helps NOTHING.

CLove's picture

I used to drink a bit, and found that it only hurts me and makes me more vulnerable during heated arguments. BM is raging alcoholic, and kids get angry when they see me or BF drinking. Like its our fault their mother drinks to passing out, or rolls out of moving cars, or pees herself.

I just decided one day, enough is enough, I am repeating patterns that are no good. But no one can tell me, I had to tell myself.

Thanks for the kudos AJanie. I have been exercising regularly for 2-3 weeks now, and this has been week 1 with hardly any alcohol, and exorcise every day. That REALLY helps, knowing that you are reading and caring enough to respond. So thanks.

DaizyDuke's picture

and exorcise every day

Ok I'm sure it was a typo, but this cracked me up!!

ex·or·cise /ˈeksôrˌsīz/
verb

drive out or attempt to drive out (an evil spirit) from a person or place.
"an attempt to exorcise an unquiet spirit"

synonyms: drive out, cast out, expel
"exorcising an evil spirit"

Man wouldn't that be great if we could exorcise skids!!!? Blum 3

CLove's picture

Daizy, that was my inner-unconsciousness coming out!
LOL. yes, please. Ill get my candles out and my crucifix.

AJanie's picture

I get that. It is sick to admit I "like it"... but when I stress smoke I drop weight and do look a lot slimmer. When I quit again for the zillionth time, I always put on weight.

It is still so much better to stay quit.

CLove's picture

I do too. Everything. And I don't stop. So now I just pile on the veggies and fruits and hope for the best...and try not to think about nachos, and tacos, and rice, and French fries...oops too late.

CLove's picture

downsouth - yes, exactly. And my SO is a co-dependant fixer. Therefore the stronger I am the more he gets afraid, and the more agro I get.

momjeans's picture

That's some suckage alright.

Your last paragraph, yep, that's a good bit of what keeps me disengaged. If DH (and his parents) want me to feel as though I'm on the outside looking in - so be it. I refuse to have others navigate MY life and home.

And I understand you're really not in that position to fully disengage. Hugs to you.

Aniki's picture

When skid weekends are upon us, I live a different life. I fell for the old "skid-sitting when DH worked a Friday night" biz. Then it was one of them leaving something they NEEDED at home or asking me for a ride somewhere. Nope. Not happening. The next time my DH had to work on a skid weekend Friday and said the skids would be there at 4:30pm, I said, "Oh, are you off now?"
"No, baby. I thought you'd be home."
"Oh, no. I'm going out with my sister."
"What time will you be home? BioHo can bring them later."
"Sweetie, we're going out DRINKING. It will be after midnight."

Every time after that, I ALWAYS claimed to have plans. I would rather let mosquitoes suck me bloodless before ever skid-sitting ever ever ever again.

CLove's picture

Aniki - SO likes to hide in his man-cave when skids are there. I now go work out every night, ESPECIALLY when skids are there. I used to try to be home to help cook dinner, and have "family night". WTF was I thinking?????

And yep, I would occasionally be the "free sitter", and would have movie time with sD10, or a day at the park/beach/trail. Frick that. Im reading a book with ear buds. Her movies are insanely inane. And now, instead of 3 days I get 5 whole days of SD10 and her stupid freaking cartoons and videos. And 5 days of whiny SD17. And her whiny singing and bad guitar playing. Now I feel like I am whining, when I really want to be "wining". LOL.

I am considering a second job just so I can escape the skids.

robin333's picture

I'm sorry Clove and wish the best for your Mom. I think you have a good perspective on how to handle this. You absolutely deserve to focus on YOu.

One other thing, you said you made some mistakes in your career. Don't beat yourself up anymore. Knowing your mistakes adds character and makes you wiser.

CLove's picture

Thank you Robin - I think I have made a 2nd career of beating myself up about my mistakes. Unfortunately I mistaked myself out of some really great job opportunities.

Thank you. She is in the testing phase of things right now, and is pretty strong and a fighter type. Whatever happens, happens I suppose and we cant predict the future.

Thanks again! TGIF Biggrin

Acratopotes's picture

Hugs to you and Mum CLove..... you both are in my thoughts...

now for the rest... fine fine fine, DH allowed the kids to decide what they want to do when, you are not being considered in this, well so be it, why stress about it? You just decided to disengage 200%... no need to consider them in this decision.

SD17 has 2 options getting to school, either she's early enough to go with DH or she walks, you will never give her a lift, DH just gave you 5 day holidays... be happy about it, you are not going to do any cooking or cleaning for 5 days.. hell that must be a very very nice feeling.... and you do not have to do laundry..

CLove's picture

Thank you Acratopotes, she is in very high spirits, it is super early in the game, with lots of hope.

YES, indeed. 5 days of no-kid zone!!! There is ALWAYS laundry, lol.

For SD17, she asked the other day, after her father said "if your not ready you are walking". She just continued preening. Then asked "just this one last time can you give me a ride?" I said "absolutely not". End of discussion.
Biggrin

Getting disengaged more and more, especially now since SD10-almost 11 is beginning to challenge me with "why do I have to..." s.

Just working on myself. Getting fitter and fitter!! Sweetie claims my butt is smoother already.

Acratopotes's picture

CLove - I meant - with the skids there you are on holiday lol.... DH can do everything, even your laundry, or you just do yours no one else's....

I did not even think about the 5 days skid free... seems like you are on permanent holiday now }:)

CLove's picture

WEll, 5 days of ALMOST kid free zone. The BM leaves for work at 6 o'darktime, and drops off munchkin, then dad takes her to school an hour later on HIS way to work. Sometimes BM drops off "Winona SD17, who takes a shower and changes clothes because she did not pack enough, then dad has to take her to school too. things just started, so we shall see how this transitions. Sweetie will need to tell SD17 that if she is THERE for 5 days she STAYS. She has been begging and pleading and trying to bargain her way to being with us full-time.

AHA. Yes, I plan on working out EVEN HARDER AND LONGER. When its their 5 days. I used to love cooking and having family dinner together. Well, not going to do that now. Sweetie can cook and clean up and buy groceries for his princesses...I am done. I love my veggies and love to cook, and they all LOVE my cooking. Esp since Winona SD17 is pescatarian (fish, rice, pasta, vegetables and sweets), and my sweetie is a confirmed carnivore. LOL. It will be interesting to see how everything pans out.