Compartmentalizing the "team" of marriage
Im reading through "stepmonster". Trying to attain a shift so that the marriage will be less stressful, I will be less stressed and angry. Resulting in husband being less stressed and angry.
Things are shifting but slowly. I poke here and there, but more try to understand and make myself understood.
I dont know if this even makes much sense.
SO, Im in the section of "stepmonster" called "Him" - meaning the bio father. It talks about how the father is often "in the middle", because the dynamics sometimes fall into a "stepmonster" vs kiddos realm (BTDTGTTS), and he feels torn into two pieces. Or the father is in conflict with the bio mother and then has the new wife/partner to please, so he feels like hes between the two rocks or two walls. Or hammer and anvil. I read about this all the time in steptalk. But part of my shift has been to really look into the issues Im dealing with, and how to shift things - not to solve the problem, but to shift the focus and emotions. Because this is all about emotions and feelings.
SO - I told Husband that I am having a hard time, because my default modality is that we are a "team" because we are married. His problems are my problems. We solve issues together, and support each other in their "things". I told Husband that Toxic Troll is his issue to deal with, not really mine and I really do need to stay out of things, because its causing us stress. That part of my problem has been trusting him to honor our marriage, and honor me, by trusting him to create and maintain proper boundaries without me sticking my nose in there. He fixed her water hose. She paid for parts. It keeps things even-keeled. It keeps her threats at bay. For now. I do not need to get mad that hes helping Toxic Troll. He doesnt wANT to help. Hes not doing favors because hes a nice guy. He just sais "it keeps the beast over there and away from HERE". I do not need to give that oxygen, I do not need to help him maintain that boundary.
Because, really, why?
His kids are his kids with her, and their issues are also not mine to help solve. I do not need to really be a "team" dealing with SD15 Backstabber/Munchkin's school issues, or health issues. SD22 Feral Forger is his problem, I dont need to be involved in getting her a car or shoes or get mad at him for helping.
That got me in trouble and caused stress. So, shifting is me compartimentalizing the team dynamic of marriage. But maybe I have it all wrong. Currently, with all that has occured, things have been very nice and pleasant. Without acknowledging what happened. No repercussions. but we are pleasant. I told SD15 B/M during an evening conversation that its ok not to be good or great at EVERYTHING. Its ok to just be ok in some things. I told her "find what brings you joy and do that". Find a job that you like and do that. I really just let go of the idea that she needs to have good grades, thats not my jurisdiction and never was and I never should have taken that on.
She did admit that she stayed in honors english (even with unspoken acknowledgement it was obvious she understood I knew she wasnt strong there) because "it made her feel special". She brought that up, I did not. I havent brought school up at all. Nothing about grades, or payment.
She did come out with us Sunday and didnt sulk or complain even when it got hot, she seemed cheered to be out and involved even when she planted herself in a hammock chair the entire time. We had a relaxing time at a small garden party with the warm sun, blue skies and surrounding forest. Delicious food and even more delicious laughter. I just did my thing and had a blast.
So, SHIFT. Its happening.