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Clove Macchiato Venting with a heavy dollop of Christmas come early

CLove's picture

Many of you have reccomended that I not contact SD22 Feral Forger in response to her last nasty text where she called me names and made accustations that I traumatised her and took her father away. Ive blocked her. Not responded.

Many of those recs also encouraged me to Vent-e here. Starbucks lovers might be chuckling. SO at the end of this post Ill do my Vent-e -ing. I might even respond afterwards. IDK.

So my Christmas come early is that SD15 mentioned that her mother is giving SD22 FF another evection notice but FF is claiming shes moving in with another friend soon anyway (so there take that!). SD15 overheard the same litany from FF about "Clove took my dad from me, he chose HER over his own CHIIIIIILD" and Sd15 claims she overheard her mother explaining that DH has in fact tried to have a relationship with her and that he has in fact invited her out on bdays and fathers days and shes too busy or whatever. Well, 7 months ago Toxic Troll was grunting a different tune, so Im glad that tune has changed.

SD15 even mentioned that FF made the choice. Dh didnt choose Clove over FF, FF chose mother over father. She chose no clove in her life. She chose to reject her father and have no relationship with him. A funny aside is that FF is now telling SD15 that "just wait until you turn 16, your going to be kicked out like I was!!!" SD15 rolled her eyes when telling me this (yeah I know I should not be discussing this stuff with SD15) And she told me she doesnt even talk to her sister about things. She knows her sister was never kicked out and is just trying to push the same buttons she tried over 5 years ago...at 17.

VENT-E-ING

If I were to respond to SD22 Feral Forger, this is what I would like to tell her (via text):

So, Feral Forger, you claim that I took your father away from you. Your father, who called and texted you inviting you out to spend time for birthdays and Father's days, but you were always too busy, for example in Oregon or the grand canyon. Or just somewhere, with whomever. He tried many times to build a relationship with you and you pushed him away continually. You even go so far as to say that he "hasnt been a father since Clove popped into your lives". Your father was depressed and trying to keep you and your sister fed and have a roof over your heads. You would continually argue and disrespect. So the failed relationship with your father started way before I came into your lives. I am simply a convenient and easy target for your blame in the Victimology Child of Divorce narrative that you continually ascribe to. Sure, go ahead and blame me for all your problems.

So, you also claim that your father chose ME over YOU. Im sorry you feel that way, it is simply not true. Your father told YOU to make the choice of making things work with myself and him, to show us respect, to follow household rules, clean up after yourself. The most basic things, and you CHOSE not to do those things, and then went no contact, and then went to live with your mother. Apparently you are having problems there too.

When you say your father chose me over you, what specifically do you mean? Because I refuse to live with you and your father wont kick me out of my home? Because you are expecting to live with us again? To be able to live with us without a job or going to college, to have us support you and your continued disrespect of us? Because we wont allow this? 

Well, you definitely need help. You need to get your life together. Start by getting a drivers license. Start there. Then get a job, any job. You are 22. At your age, I had a license and was driving for 5 years. I had a car. I was working parttime and mostly done with college degree. You continue to put me down, but you need to take a good hard honest look at yourself.

You called me abusive because I yelled at you through your bedroom door. YOU abused me, called me names, shunned me in my own home, disrespected me, yelled at me. Told lies about me. And you havent stoppped. You continue with your abuse of me.

Not only did I try to forgive you, I went ahead and HELPED you. I helped you by doing your taxes for free and getting you almost 5k back in ca$h. I took you out for your birthday and orchestrated not one but TWO get togethers with your father. I sent you a bda present. I gave you ca$h. What have you done for ME? Nothing except criticise and accuse. Trash talk me and send nasty texts. 

At this point, I never want to see or hear from you again. Youve made your choices and you need to understand that there are repercussions and just deal with it. Or not. At this point I do not care.

 

Comments

stepmomnorth's picture

My own step kid (16) states their dad is choosing me over them too. Cause we got him in trouble about being up loud late at night. My partner continually tries to reach out and he screams at his dad about how he is choosing me. Same thing. We have household rules here. But yeah.. It's the same, they are choosing to live at their moms house and we are the bad guys *rolls eyes*

CLove's picture

Sees the "Sidetrack" and repetition. Is it this playbook they read online? Is it part of a viral tik tok campaign?

Where does this cripe come from? Ill tell you. If the house with rules and structure contains a stepparent, then we become the whipping post - because we are the "easy and safe" target.

hereiam's picture

Much better to vent about it and type your response, here, than to actually respond to her. Nothing you can say to her is going to change her victim perspective, she is not going to agree with anything you say, she will only counter everything in the hopes of getting you to say things that she can use against you. And, that she can share with others.

You can let SD15 vent to you about things, just be careful of what you say back to her. It's a fine line, you have to be careful of how you react and know that there might be some things that you don't want to hear. Don't defend, don't agree, just listen.

CLove's picture

I just hope she moves away like she threatening. Because Toxic Troll is supposedly planning on moving, and there is always drama when this happens. Although its iffy, and its only a few towns over. TT got a job, in the school system, to work with autistic kids as a one-on-one (even though in another county shes got lawsuits with the school sytem - are they that desperate?) so now she wants to move...and thats what will precipitate FF's move, I hope.

caninelover's picture

Good vent cLove!  It will be interesting to see where FF ends up after getting kicked out of TT's abode.  I'm guessing the 'friend' will also kick her out soon.

CLove's picture

I WANT her to move out - maybe then she'll grow up!!!!!

Thanks for reading. Ill keep posting...Im sure that as Christmas rolls around the dramatics will increase.

SeeYouNever's picture

Sometimes I open a blank email and vent into it like it's a diary. In the morning I either post it here or delete it. Another option if you need to vent.

I really wonder as well about why SD thinks DH chose me over her. I think kids expect to be the center of their parents world and get used to getting everything they want from a single Disney dad. How dare daddy love someone other than them or their mom?

CLove's picture

I remember the culmination of things - starting with her being disrespectful to me, when her father was in another room. I would tell him and ask him to give repercussions. Not being a parent at that time with no experience in steplife, I had no idea what those repercussions should be. She would tell him consstantly "but I didnt DO anything!!!" And he would have to "take my side"...and I guess that "taking my side" and believing me was what shes referencing.

I admit that when I disengaged, I was the one to tell him 'hey clean up your mess". And he knew it was hers. I did ask him to speak to her about things. So she knew that I instituted the changes. She was no longer in control of the household.

So - he was less Disneydad and she was more Mini-wife-in-the-making. She ruled her sister and I blocked that. When she wold punch SD15-then8.5 and call her ugly and stupid,  I would defend the little one, and told dad and dad would get on her case. That was the beginning that she references in her messages. Thats how I "took her dad". Because he tried to parent her and had to step in there and give repercussions that were derived from me.

JRI's picture

1)  TT is trying to evict FF.  Shows shes doing the natural "flap your wings and fly" that all good parents do.

2)  FF talks about moving in with a friend.  Shows shes thinking of Plan B if TT follows thru.

3)  TT is actually defending DH and countering FF's delusions with the truth.

I would ignore all the "Clove stole Daddy" drama.  She will never, ever see the situation factually, it's a waste of time and energy to think anything will change her mind.  I'd listen to Munchkin but make noncommital responses.  

Question: if TT moves, does that affect Munchkins schooling?

 

CLove's picture

If TT moves it will be beneficial for SD15, as where she is talking about moving to is in the same city as where she goes to school. For reference, we live about 25 minutes East of the WEST COAST. TT is talking about moving to an apartment in a town that is 5 minutes away from coast. SD15's school is in this town. As are many friends and family members of DH and myself. I really dont want her to move...but it would make SD15's life better as to proximity to friends. Which is not something Im really concerned about at this point (disengagement).

At the end of the year, we will see, because I believe TT lease will be up for renewal. I see her staying for 3 reasons:

1. Money - it takes money to move. Hiring moving co or a truck. Pet deposits. Deposit deposits.

2. The place is a complete mess where she is right now.

3. Its HARD to move. EASY to stay.

Ill keep you posted!!!

hereiam's picture

Where does this cripe come from? If the house with rules and structure contains a stepparent, then we become the whipping post

It's the fact that things did change when the step parent came into the picture. They are not wrong about that. To say that their parent chose the partner over their kids, is not correct, but that's how they see it.

They figure if the parent wanted them to have rules and discipline, they would have already been implemented. They know that nothing would have changed had the partner not come into the picture. So, I get the misplaced blame but they need to realize that it's the parents fault for not parenting, in the first place. But, that would not fit into their victim persona.

I'm sure there are things that my SD30 feels that my DH would have handled differently had he not been with me. For example, when she asked to "stay" with us (with her then-husband and 2 kids) and he said, "no", I'm sure she thought that had I not been in the picture, DH would have said, "yes". Too bad, it was what it was and it doesn't matter what she thinks he might have done. It was the right decision for us. To be clear, they were not homeless, just tired of living with BM because (gasp) she had rules.

Hopefully, FF will mature, and with more life and relationship experience, realize that the decisions one makes sometimes includes others and are based on how that decision will affect others. It's not black and white, "Oh, I love my daughter so I must do this, who cares who I hurt in the process."

Or, maybe she will always feel that her dad should have thrown away his marriage so that she could continue to live there and be a brat. That's her choice.

CLove's picture

He was depressed. He was on auto pilot. Arguing with Feral Forger took work and energy and he said he needed all his energy just to get to work and keep the kids fed and in school. He said that he just let Feral Forger do what she wanted to. And what she wanted to do was be a b!tch to everyone, not clean up and be mean to her sister. They argued before I came into the picture.

Just the arguments changed when I arrived. 

FF at 15 had a lot of potential. She sang and played instruments well, actually. Did her makeup well. NOW, back when I tried to "help" her she sent a video and it was painful to watch. I was going to pass it on to friends who promote local music. To get her out of her box and find inspiration. But, now nothing...shes on her path...that has nothing to do with me.

I think she will always think and feel that he should have just let her live with us, and let me go away. She never anticipated that we would actually be successful.

advice.only2's picture

Ahh all the things you wish you could say and make them stick, but she will always be the perpetual victim.  I have witten many a letter to Spawn in my head that I will never send, but it does make me feel better getting it out there in the open where I can see it.

strugglingSM's picture

I used to say to DH that the divorce was the best thing that happened to HCBM because now she has a perpetual excuse for everything that is wrong in her life. (HCBM wanted the divorce BTW to marry ex husband #2, so it's not like divorce was thrust upon her unwillingly.) It seems like FF is the same way. Glad that TT was at least calling her on her BS. Also, even if she had a dad who disappeared and never spoke to her again (which is not true in this case), she's still an adult who needs to take responsibility for her own life. At a certain point, CoD need to accept that while their parents divorce might have impacted them, it's just something that happened in their life and they need to accept it and move on. Nearly everyone experiences traumas of some sort, but those traumas don't define you and when you're an adult, it's up to you to do the work to move past them...or continue to live in a dysfunctional hell of your own making. We put too much emphasis on parents defining our existence for both the good and the bad, but ultimately, we're all just responsible for ourselves.  

CLove's picture

And I need to add this to my Vent-e!

1. she's still an adult who needs to take responsibility for her own life

2.  At a certain point, CoD need to accept that while their parents divorce might have impacted them, it's just something that happened in their life and they need to accept it and move on

3.  Nearly everyone experiences traumas of some sort, but those traumas don't define you and when you're an adult, it's up to you to do the work to move past them...or continue to live in a dysfunctional hell of your own making

4. We put too much emphasis on parents defining our existence for both the good and the bad, but ultimately, we're all just responsible for ourselves. 

Harry's picture

It's way easier and more fun, for TT to sit on ger rear and blame everyone for her problems. BF didn't take care of her. BM didn't take care of her.  Let's make the whole world feel sorry for TT.  Bet her loser friends are the same way. All sit around drinking there cheap beers all agree with each other,

There nothing you can do.  She can't even find a guy with a job to latch onto. BM failed her, did not teach her the basic thing in life. Used your body to trap a man. And get child support the feast of your life, 

CLove's picture

Thats the story that I get. "sit around drinking their cheap beers all agreeing with each other". YES. Her friends are mainly like her. But some of them actually drive! FF has a boyfriend supposedly, who just gives her money. Must be nice.

BM did in fact fail her. I feel like shaking bot of them. What a collossal waste. 

tog redux's picture

Poor victim FF. All the failures of her life have nothing to do with her, whatsoever, just all the unfair treatment she's gotten from others.

Cry me a river.  And TT is only taking DH's side because she's mad at FF, too.  She'll flip-flop back to painting DH as an awful beast as soon as she needs to.

 

CLove's picture

Oh yeah. Its like sD15 is doing everything in her power to play it up - how nice Toxic Troll is, no matter what. And yes, as soon as it serves her to drop it, she will flip back to her original script of BF being the absolute worst person on the planet and me being the worst person on the planet. Guess who taught SD22 Feral Forger how to be like that?