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7 years ago Memory Triggers

CLove's picture

My message today has been how far along things have come in the 7 years since the Facebook memory that popped up this morning. It was a post with photos of my friends art gallery and her dog, in a tourist town near where I lived. I would help out there sometimes.

- 7 years ago, DH and I were "friends", getting closer.

- Toxic Troll had taken Feral Forgers house key, and would show up and drink and smoke and hang out and be there when he would arrive home with his friends. She thought she still had a shot at getting back together, and DH mentioned that they were still physically intimate at this time, althought they were living apart, so it was a reasonable assumption. Because, ahem, married, 20 years together, 2 children together.

- She claimed she "lost the house key", when he asked for it. He changed the locks. All heck broke loose with her sending threatening texts. He showed me her text to him about their prior intimacy because he wanted me to know, because she was threatening him that she would tell me. To break us up. Little did I know the level of toxic crazy ahead of us.

- 7 years ago, I too, was embroiled in a affair and still lving with my ex (!) I know. Too much drama. Too much toxicness, it was like a poisonous mist that we were struggling to find our way out of, like the one in Stephen Kings horror novel "the mist".

It took us 7 years of struggle and heartbreak, and love and pure toughness to get to where we are now. We moved in together. We got him through his divorce (UGLY), then got married (eloped), more drama, a child support order, and more drama, Kid #1 moves out, more drama. Churning through jobs in the meantime looking for that ONE that would bouyo me up through the sludge of underemployment and financial distress.

Bought our house that we had been renting. COVID. Bought a fishing boat. Loving my job. 7 years ago, a lifetime or two or three lifetimes ago.

Happy Tuesday all.


ICanMakeIt's picture

Thank you for the positive perspective. Time does help heal a lot of things and a lot of work on your part too. 

Congrats on making it this far and I hope many more good days ahead. 

CLove's picture

Looking back certainly does give a perspective thats encouraging. Now it doesnt yet answer that question of "if I had known then what I know now"...but I do understand that we were both drowning, we both needed to cut the anchors dragging us out to sea, we both needed saving, we both needed to exit our relationships and being together did that. I dont know if we should have waited or pushed harder to go faster. We sort of "lost" 3 years (friends for 1.5 yrs, in relationship before divorce final 1.5 years). 

Stepdrama2020's picture

Lucky 7 as they say.

You went through lots of shitz to get to the good. Now you know how to handle TT and FF, and munchkin.

Do you ever in real life slip up and call Munchkin  "Munchkin". LOL that would be something I would do. Mind you Munchkin is a sweety nickname so that wouldnt be bad. The nicknames I had for ex SD would have me banned from here.

CLove's picture

When I first got to know her, and she was about 8-10, and she seemed so TINY. I did in fact call her Munchkin. Typically its a 3rd person reference now, between DH and I. Because she was so little, and I had no bios of my own...I do slip up to him.

Now that she is a "young lady", I call her sweety, honey, Missy. LOL.

In between the Shiz was a lot of good. It was a lot of good, but it was WORK, and a lot of struggle. It was hard-won. And there is still a lot of "room to grow". Like getting through to 18 and no more child support. Getting healthier. Selling our house and moving to the town we REALLY want to live in. Vacations and trips and enjoying life more.

caninelover's picture

I now sometimes have to stop myself from saying 'Bratty' when speaking about Bratty with SO.  That would not go over as well as Munchkin, LOL.

Stepdrama2020's picture

Still a helluva lot better than my nicknames for ex SD. Still I dont think your DH would be over the moon if you called her bratty. 

tog redux's picture

Took us a while, but we got there - through DH's divorce and craziness, through the alienation of SS, and now he is done with child support and done with BM for good. SS21 is back in our lives, albeit a disappointment. Only took 11 years, lol. 

CLove's picture

ONLY? LOL, yeah. It doesnt seem so long looking back, now, for me. The track is more clear, we are more dedicated to common goals. We have the LUXURY of goals and not just surviving. Your SS is still very young. Feral Forger turned 22 last weekend. Shes still about 15 in her maturity. Hes probably about 17-18 now emotionally, because of the enmeshment resulting in emotional stunting. When I took FF out for a burger the other day, she is definitely not at the maturity level of an "adult".

11 years. How does it feel to be free?

tog redux's picture

It feels fantastic. We now have $1100 more per month, plus BM has no more legal control.  That's the best part. 

SS21 seems about 17 in terms of his maturity. I've seen some growth but he's still firmly tethered to BM. 

CLove's picture

But right now, super firmly "tethered". More like with COVID her wings are clipped. Otherwise she would fly away from her comfortable cage, I know it. Except to do so she would need a car and a license and a job.

Did I mention that Toxic Troll is now convinced that Feral Forger is a prostitute and is trying to convince Munchkin of this? I got her over 2k in money direct deposit. So she has some $$$ now.

So, now I am seeing Munchkin fall under the spells and lies. And am hoping she doesnt fall into the mucky muck. I know I cant save her, just like you could not save SS. Its not in our power and part of the healing is accepting that. Otherwise I just get really furious.

CLove's picture

You can go on a nice vacation yearly for that amount. Congrats Biggrin

Ours is a nice retirement account contribution. Or college fund savings account.

Such a waste.


tog redux's picture

I'm quite sure BM did go on many vacations with that amount. Sorry BM, you'll have to pay your own way now.  

SMto2's picture

This! Yes! BM and her DH were constantly going on trips. My favorite part of CS ending was that BM lost $1200 a month she got like clockwork for 16 YEARS (all tax-free, as we know!) and had to start funding her own trips, vehicles, antiques, etc, etc. 

CLove's picture

Toxic Troll, and her non-working self, actually asked DH for "her support" money early to have spending cash for her trip to Hawaii.

YEP. Tax free!

SMto2's picture

Oh my gosh, If you posted about that, I think I remember it! Knowing she did that hopefully makes it all the sweeter as it ends! You and your DH deserve a trip to Hawaii to celebrate!

caninelover's picture

I think its always nice to look back.  Even through struggles there is progress and good stuff.

Congrats on being in a better place today than 7 years ago.

CLove's picture

going unmentioned was the physical abuse I was also suffering at the time. DH took the photos of my bruises but I never pressed charges. I just left to move in with my parents to escape. With just my clothes and a few plants. No job and no money, just my car.

JRI's picture

Once in awhile, when I'd get exasperated by steplife, I'd think about leaving DH.  Obviously, that didnt happen.  I'd end up thinking, "but I went through a lot of effort to get him!"   Lol.

Congratulations on your 7 years!  If your experience is like mine, things will just keep getting better.  Life is good!

CLove's picture

Memories are triggering through facebook, and this was a very dark time...and just a few months forward would change all that!

Once in a while I too think "what would it feel like to be absolutely free of all this?" And then I think about the future possibilities. The really good stuff. How he always surprises things are getting better and better. 

futurobrillante99's picture

Congrats for enduring this long!! You're a true gem and a sweetheart.

7 years ago, I was separated from my XH1 and SINGLE, but on a dating site. I thought I was happy and healthy. I was not.

One month from this day, in 2014, I had my fateful first date with XH2. I had no idea what a prime target I was for a wolf in sheep's clothing. How wrong I was to believe I had to find the love of my life quickly before I became old and ugly (at 47). LMAO

I don't really spend a lot of time on regrets because I believe everything that happens, happens for a reason and I clearly had a lot to learn.

But, just this once, if I could go b*tchslap myself and scream "snap out of it!," I'd take that chance to avoid going down that road with XH2.

CLove's picture

if I was to do some trime traveling, I would definitely b!tch slap BM. I once gave Toxic Troll free tix to a local event that is quite fun. I didnt want to infringe on her time with Munchkin, so I dropped kiddo off and gave the tix. A BIG regret, as she did not plan on going and went for only and hour and they saw no demonstrations. It was an airshow. You cannot go and not see the arial acrobatics. I mean who does that?

I had 3 relationships that resulted from online dating.

You were such a great catch, no wonder exh2 swooped in there and snapped you up! I was in mid 40s when DH and I decided to "do this". Biggrin I wasnt such a great catch - unemployed. He wasnt either - married.

YOU are STILL a great catch. You keep swimming!

Stepdrama2020's picture

You had 3 relationships from online dating. Not too shabby. Mine are horror stories but that I will save that for another site. One even made my ex DH and SD look inviting.  It was that bad LOL

CLove's picture

#1 - a highly succesful doctor, we went on some trips together, I fell in love, he dumped me after 9 months.

#2 - a scientologist who required that I read Dianetics by Lron hubbard, totally crazy, dumped him after 7 months

#3 - Whilrwind love affair and wanted to marry this one, suddenly left my city to move back to his home state of montana, and regrettable I did not follow...

BUt. Thats a whole nother book. The Prequel to Now.

Stepdrama2020's picture

Didnt realize Tom Cruise was on a dating site. I am sure if we asked Katie she would tell us to RUN