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Any advice?

cleo's picture

Submitted by cleo on Sat, 09/04/2010 - 12:10am

I am a SM to a 10 almost 11 year old. She is a sweet girl but is spoiled rotten from both her mom, SD and dad. She is an only child with her mom. Her mom is very insecure. Later on they got divorced and i got together with him. We have two girls together. I also have a son from a previous marriage. His dad is much stricter than I am and so there are not behavior problems with him, yet? Every time the Sd come back to our house, she breaks the rule in our home. But my partner thinks it is ok because her mother helped or did it with her. Example, no fake nails she's 10. But she comes back to start school and her and her mom went back to the spa and got fake nails and french tip pettie to go with them. It frustrate me because I also have two daughter that are younger than her that look up to her and the example her is setting is terrible. The worst part is my partner, dad of all 3 girls will allow it in our home because he feels guilty and does not want to upset the 10 year old. He says if we say anything it puts her in the middle. I feel like she purposely defies our rules< and there are many in the past> and knows she can get away with it. She also has her own email account her mom set up for her this summer. She is allowed to wear very inappropriate clothing, and bring them into our home. I am frustrates and the SD for continually breaking the family rules and frustrated at my partner for allowing her to and more importantly showing our younger girls that this is ok for just her. I am mad that he doesnt support me in any way when it comes to her. He, my partner is soooo strick with my boy who is 7, but lets his girl run wild. I really would like some advise. In some ways I am beginning to really not like the SD, and my partner< I already cant stand his ex and her husband.> I feel like a prisoner in my own home when she is here. I hide from her and DAD, because otherwise its a fight. I feel bad because I end up not being around my children either. If I say anything about her my partner yells at me, or gets so mad he'll ignore me and not answer me in front of the kids. I feel lost. Anybody else going through this?

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spark_chaser79's picture

Submitted by spark_chaser79 on Sat, 09/04/2010 - 1:22am

I have a SD who is 9 and her dad is in the military and she never gets to see him. I had discussed with my wife About Facebook and we both agreed on "No". Well daddy
Comes behind us and says yes, now my wife is ok with it. I finally told her that I will no longer take being treated like this and have said that I will not be around herif she doesn't stick to her guns about these kinds of issues- ie "Daddy says this or Mommy says that". The best advice I can give you and you probably won't agree with me, is to tell your husband that he needs to decide what he want s more. Help raising his kid or to do it by himself? It is working out for me. My wife is letting me have more and more control over my SD and it feels good to be a parent. On a side note we don't have any other kids because I can have any. :?

cleo's picture

Submitted by cleo on Sat, 09/04/2010 - 11:31pm

Thanks I will think about that. I am pretty sure he would choose to raise her alone. He has moved out several times over the last 5 years and has taken her with him. It devastated the other kids. As far as not being able to have kids. My partner and his ex wife could not have kids and tried invitro for 7 years. nothing happened so they adopted SD. Then got divorced and surprise her comes daughter 1 and now daughter 2. There is always hope. Smile Thanks again for the advise.

cleo's picture

Submitted by cleo on Sat, 09/04/2010 - 11:53pm

Thanks for your advise. I appreciate it. The nail thing goes way back. <4 years> when SD lived with mom for 2 years. she got a nail fungus that got pretty bad. Over the last few years 5 of the 10 toenails have turned black and are thick and fuzzy. we have taken her to numerous podiatrists and have been give tons to do to try to fix the problem. One important thing was no nail polish let alone fake nails. it takes O2 away from the nails. Now on that note. It is completely up to her parents to decide if they want to follow the dr orders or not. But it is very contagious and I dont want my children to get it. I also have to take her to all the dr appointments because dad works full time and mom doesnt care about the fungus. There are no other kids in her house. I feel stuck between letting things go and keeping a safe and fair home for my 3. Thanks again

pastepmomof3's picture

Submitted by pastepmomof3 on Sat, 09/04/2010 - 5:59am

Your situation sounds very similar to what we continue to go through with my SD15. Her BM, XSD, and BMBF spoil the hell out her and then when she comes here, her HB and HS see her and have the same expectation. I can say that to my knowledge, it hasn't been that blatant with nails and things, but we ran the same course with a myspace account (rather than the email) - we allowed her to set it up, BM came back raising hell so we had her close it, and then 2 weeks later she had one again because now BM was okay with it. I agree with the statements above - you need to sit down with DH and discuss the issues at hand and then come to an agreement. What should happen once that is determined is DH speak with BM and just let her know that certain things he thinks are inappropriate, such as clothing for example, and let her know that if he sees her wearing something he things is inappropriate, he will make her change, even if it's when he's picking her up from BM's house. There is nothing wrong with expecting decency. If she's dressing like this now, it will only get worse.

cleo's picture

Submitted by cleo on Sat, 09/04/2010 - 11:44pm

Thank you. I dont know how to discuss it with Dad. Any time I bring anything up about his daughter he freaks out. And you are right things just get worse and worse. I know kids push the limits, but she takes it to a new level. It seems every new school year when she comes back from her moms all summer, she is on a roll and dad feels guilty that she has been gone , so he lets her get away with any thing. My kids are now getting to the age of realizing things arent really fair in our house. ei my 7 ear old has 5 chores a day. like take out the recycling, give the dog water, things like that. My 5 year old has 3 of them. but his daughter only has 2. if I give her anything to do, dad gets mad and says I ask too much of her. But the little kids have more and they are 3 and 5 1/2 years younger. It is just weird.