My DH and I have been constantly fighting for weeks now about the boundary issues I have with BM. Sure, there was a parenting plan established at the time of their divorce, but they pick and choose which parts of it they will adhere to and it drives me insane. Basically, she knows that he would like to spend as much time with the kids as possible... but instead of them trying to have a formal arrangement for that ahead of time, it has turned into her just calling him (and sometimes me) to "watch the kids while I..." for months now. He sees it as an opportunity to see his kids more than the parenting plan said, but I see her as using us as free babysitters so she can perpetuate her social events calendar to the max.

A little history... BM moved here from out of state on short notice less than a month after we got married. She hangs it over his head all the time that she did it to do him a favor so he could be near his kids... not true at all. She moved here for multiple reasons, most of them being that her social life stands to be a lot better here, and thus, her chances for remarriage (the ultimate goal mainly because she does not want to work and figure out how to support herself) are much greater. She is so good at messing with his mind though, and he really feels like the minute he steps out of line as far as she is concerned, she will get mad and move back with the kids just to spite him. I have made several hundred attempts to get it through his head that he is giving himself to much credit... she didn't come here for him, and she's not leaving because of him either. So the walking on eggshells and overt friendliness we do just to make her feel welcome is stupid and pointless. I have essentially hit my breaking point and it's time to disengage.

Case in point... yesterday- SS(5)'s first elementary school Halloween parade. I am the first one there (which has never happened before and will probably never happen again) so I walk into the packed gym of tons of parents and kids, I find a spot next to my friend and save one for DH. I get a call a couple minutes later wanting to know where I am because "'we' are looking for you." Who is "we" you ask? He is with BM and SD(2) in SS's classroom. I tell him I am where all the other parents are and that he needs to come there. He says, "we will be there in a sec". I, of course, had not saved BM a seat and said, "No, come alone... it's packed and there's no seats." He walks in with BM and SD a few feet behind him, he angrily sits down and yells at me for being caddy and uncivil stating, "I think SS will want to see us all together, and I wanna sit with SD too." In my opinion, it is not only not a requirement for me to save BM a seat, but it's freaking ridiculous that I would ever be expected to. We spent the rest of the parade (which I took off almost 4 hours of work to be there for) fighting about whether or not me not wanting to sit by her was an example of my incivility. I get that he wanted to sit by SD too, but she was on BM's parenting time, and there should be no overlap just to facilitate togetherness as far as I'm concerned. She came with her, and she would leave with her. Like it or not, we are two separate families. We do not need to pretend like we are all one big one just so the kids aren't uncomfortable (which by the way, they were both perfectly fine and didn't seem to care one bit that we sat separately... can't say the same for BM though, cuz the look she gave me then and the obvious snub afterward said it all). I know this is just a small example, but it was kinda the final straw for me. I do not feel like our marriage is the #1 priority in his life, but more like I'm the assistant manager in project "raise the kids without them noticing or being affected by their broken family". After all of this went down I finally did it... I told him we need some space and time to figure out what it is we really want from each other because I can no longer go on living every single moment of my life around BM and skids' schedules. I told him to go to his parents' for the weekend and I would talk to him when we could be in the same room without fighting.

He doesn't want to be apart, but at the same time does not feel like he is being unreasonable in his expectations of me. I am really struggling with whether or not there is a middle ground on this. I gave up so much for this marriage, but his life has only gotten easier with someone there to help him out at all times. I'm tired of always giving everything into a relationship with children who will never be mine and who's only finite connection to me is through their dad. I love them to death, but that does not make them mine. They already have a mother, and I am not interested in being a free babysitter anymore.