I'm the BM of a 6 year old boy who I will call D. My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years, we live together and he plays a very active role in my sons life. I will get to the issue that him and I are having later in the text, but I want to give the back story first.

His father and I were together for about 6 years. I got pregnant after only 3 months of being together. During the course of our relationship he was very abusive both mentally and physically to me and in front of D, although he was never abusive to D. He was addicted to cocaine and has had on and off problems with crack cocaine. He was never able to hold a steady job and pretty much lived off me. I am college educated, don't do drugs, and have a professional career.

About three years ago, I ended the relationship. By this time D just turned 4 and had already formed a relationship with his dad. After the breakup BD started doing heavy drugs again and made no attempt to see D for a good 5 months. Eventually he wanted to play an active role again in D's life. He started dating a girl who used to be my friend and I trusted her so D was allowed to have visitation with BD. He would go through times where he would not show up when he said he would, obviously D was very hurt. A time or two he called me a name in front of D or he wouldn't show up, so he was not allowed to see D for a little while.

Then him and girlfriend got pregnant and had another child. Right before they had their child, lets say 9 months ago, I heard a rumor that BD was smoking crack again. I called him out on it and told him he had to take a drug test for me if he wanted to see D. We'll he didn't call for month, then when he did he wanted to blame it all on me and tell me it was my fault, that I was hurting D by not letting him see him. Three months later we came to an agreement. BF was going to pay child support, take drug tests everytime he wanted to see D, get a car, and a cell phone. This worked out for about 4 months. He paid his child support, he showed when he said he was going to, he took and passed his drug test, but he never got a car or phone and I let this slide because his girlfriend had those things.

One morning when D was over at his house I got a phone call from his girlfriend saying that BF and her got in a fight and he threw a dirty diaper on her and told her he was going to punch her in her face and D heard it all. She also said that BF snaps at D sometimes. BF doesn't have phone so I have no way to get ahold of him. I call a police escort and D starts crying saying it was all his BF's girlfriends fault and his dad didn't do anything and he doesn't want to leave. I take him anyway. D tells me that he heard nothing(later I found out was untrue because D told my current boyfriend he thought he heard his dad hit his girlfriend that day). BF and I talk it out later that day. He says they got in a fight, but the way she says it happened isn't the way it really happened. He talks to D and apologizes and tells him that what he heard wasn't normal or right and he's sorry.

After this things just started falling about. Bf and girlfriend were getting into arguments about her having to pickup D because Bf doesn't have a car and she's not responsible for that. So I'm driving D over there and picking him up. D spends the day with bf's girlfriend and comes home sunburned with blisters under his eyes after I specifically asked her to put sunblock on him every 30 to 40 mintues. D tells me that they are getting in fights because BF is not paying enough attention to the other baby and they are getting into fights about D all the time.

Everytime I'm going over to pick D up he is not with BF, but outside out of view of BF playing with neighborhood kids. One night he tells me that one of these kids tried to pull off his booby. I say something to BF and he says that D is allowed to hit these other kids, but they are not allowed to hit D. D told me later on that they are in a gang called the turds. D isn't a fighter, he is very passive and would rather walk away or take it rather than hit back. I'm really concerned about this. I have to tell D that gangs aren't good and try to help him be more assertive so he doesn't get bullied.

His dad started to see him less and less over this month period. The last time I pick D up from there I show up and D is behind some apartments with all these kids. I peek in BF's apartment and I see the baby sitting on the couch alone and the place reeks of pot. I express my distaste and for what I just say and D and I leave. A week later, the day before he was supposed to start school BF called that morning said he had some stuff he had to do, but he would call back in an hour because they were supposed to go to his moms house for the day then D would be back that evening. He never called. I called his girlfriends phone numerous times that day and no one ever called back until the next morning. D was soooo hurt. I had it. I told BF that he couldn't see D anymore that he wasn't being responisble, he wasn't being a parent and it wasn't safe for D to be with him. He wasn't living up to his part.

BF's mother calls me a week or two ago and tells me the whole family is going away for the weekend and they would really like it if D could go. I had told BF's mother that she could have a relationship with D. So I said that I thought that would be okay. I tell D about it. As time goes on I start thinking what if BF is there most likely he will be, but I also know there are multiple family members going that I do trust D with. I asked D if he understood that even if he did see his dad that he still couldn't go over there because it isn't safe. However, my boyfriend totally disagrees with me. He thinks that is is going to cause more problems and it's just going to confuse D even more. He thinks that I'm flip flopping and I should just stick to my guns about D not seeing BF at ALL. I'm so confused I don't know what to do.

Unfortunately since about the time we broke up 3 years ago, D has started to idolize this father. There has been about 5 to 7 instances over last 3 years that D has not been able to see BF because of safety issues. I've talked to numerous therapist that have said that D should get to know his father so he can draw his own conclusion about him as long as D is safe. I'm tired of going back and forth. Seeing D hurting and lowering my convictions. I don't know what to do. I definitely know that I don't want D going to his BF house because it's not safe, but what about instinces where he will be in the supervision of another family member when BF will be around?

Please any advise would be much appreciated.