You are here

I don't get it!

chovanlyn's picture

Last August during the first day of school, a new student asked me "If you are married, why aren't you wearing a wedding ring?" Surprised by the question, I lied and told him that it doesn't fit. The real answer I wouldn't say to my class - because my husband doesn't wear his. This obviously bothers me because I made the choice to not wear mine to show him how it feels. He didn't care.
Still bothered, later I asked him why he doesn't wear his. He had a bunch of excuses. But I think the most honest answer he gave me was - that he gets more attention when he doesn't wear it. He even backed it up by telling me that when he does mention his wife - the conversation ends quickly... Yep, these are women he was talking about.
His mom asked me why I wasn't wearing my wedding ring a few weeks ago. I responded "because your son doesn't wear his" She seemed shocked and asked me if he is cheating. Not that I would suspect. I don't see any other red flags - but the ring thing.
Bothered by the reaction by the only woman who may know him better than I, I talked to my husband once more about it. I told him clearly that it bothered me and he is purposely presenting himself as single.
He flipped out! He said that I am trying to make him look bad. That I might be cheating or trying to push him out. That he would wear the damn ring and every time he looked at it, he would resent it.... WTF!
I don't understand how wanting him to wear his wedding ring would be pushing him out. Maybe another male can explain this to me.

Comments

So_Annoyed's picture

I'd expect to hear "because it's uncomfortable", but him saying because of the attention, this seems very fishy.

My ExH didn't wear his - he lost it (twice), was his excuse. Yeah, he was cheating on me. He definitely got a lot of attention without it, and that mattered to him more than being married, apparently. When we sold our house during the divorce, I found his ring hidden in his dresser.

Willow2010's picture

But I think the most honest answer he gave me was - that he gets more attention when he doesn't wear it. He even backed it up by telling me that when he does mention his wife - the conversation ends quickly... Yep, these are women he was talking about
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

What the actual hell? He told you this. So your HUSBAND told you that he wants people to think he is single so he can chat up other women. And you are ok with this. What an ass he is. And still floored that you are ok with this. Did you tell him that he was an ass for that?

If this man is not cheating on you yet....he will. That is what he is telling you. Believe him.

hereiam's picture

There are reasons men don't wear their wedding rings. My DH doesn't want to ruin his at work, so wears it on a chain around his neck, but your husband's reasoning is JUST WRONG.

And his reaction and flipping out speaks volumes.

zerostepdrama's picture

I can't even imagine my DH saying to be that he would prefer to give the illusion that we are not married so females will talk to him. He'd be my ex DH if he said that.

Elizamen's picture

chovanlyn,

2 things:

1) I have said it over and over - sometimes to myself and sometimes out loud. Listen to your husband. He is telling you his truth. For a long time I dismissed what mine was saying to me: he didn't mean that, he was just upset. I was wrong - he meant what he said.

2) Try something:

Go back and read what you wrote and imagine a friend was telling you about this situation. What would your advice be? That should be what you are telling yourself.

chovanlyn's picture

Not what I was hoping to hear!
He tore the house apart looking for his ring and didn't find it. We went and bought another the next day. He earnestly picked one out that didn't feel bulky and has been wearing it ever since (that I can tell). We've been married for 16 years. I don't see any signs of cheating. Outside of work, he doesn't go anywhere unless its with me or my daughter. No secret conversations on the phone, or texts. He doesn't act weird when I grab his phone to use it. I know the passcode... I even looked through his FB messages and its nothing but family. I don't notice any changes in his behavior or grooming.

I don't know what to do about it besides drop it until new evidence surfaces.

notsobad's picture

I second this. A close friend of my Moms lost her husband to a brain tumour. They discovered it when his personality suddenly changed.

ESMOD's picture

I can't imagine my DH telling me he doesn't wear his ring because he doesn't get the right attention wearing it. WOW.

I am actually sitting her not wearing mine at the moment, but I don't wear it sometimes if my fingers are swollen or if I am going to do physical work. My DH doesn't wear his all the time either but it is because he doesn't want to lose a finger or get 'skinned' if it catches on something. He lost his first ring doing some work on the water, so he makes sure he doesn't wear the replacement when he is doing stuff like that. I know it happened, I was there when he got that "oh crap" look on his face.. as the ring was under the sand somewhere!

Is_What_It_Is's picture

The wedding ring is a token of your commitment to your marriage - and looking at it would make him resentful?? I can't get over the fact that he was stupid enough to tell you the truth about why he doesn't wear it! I have done factory work as well as healthcare too - you would be amazed at what people do on their breaks. Where there is a will, there is a way. He already told you he likes the attention and probably avoids all comments concerning a wife - because when he mentions you, they are done with him and he doesn't want that. What he's doing is hurtful and harmful to your marriage. I too am wondering if he is looking for hook-ups not necessarily affairs.

My Dh wears his ring, never takes it off. And he also notices right away if I don't have mine on. A wedding ring is a symbol of your marriage covenant. I wouldn't be too happy if he didn't want to wear it.

Maxwell09's picture

My husband doesn't wear his ring but it's because of the nature of his job. He could get caught or lose a digit and almost has before. He has a ring picked out though because he lost his first one due to weight lose. The ring itself doesn't matter. It's his intentions behind wearing it or not wearing it. Does he work in a predominantly feminine work environment? Are most of his colleagues female? Does he work in a business that caters to a consumer living single man's lifestyle? If he's selling sports cars to rich business men I can see how he could do better selling based on the image a single man with a blond bimbo in the passengers seat. A sports car brings in more commissions than a mini van...Do you understand what I'm saying? It's situation but don't doubt for a second he's being manipulative by hiding his marriage one way or the other.

kathc's picture

I would have sided with him except for his comment to you about getting more attention when not wearing his ring.

My grandparents were married for 70 years. Grandpa never wore a ring. It wasn't for attention or any other reason, he never had eyes for another woman since he met Grandma when he was 19. He had just never worn it because his job worked with machinery and he could have gotten it caught in the equipment. By the time he retired, he was so used to just not wearing it that he just never did. She never doubted him and he never failed her.

NOW, if your DH was not wearing it because of his job or whatever I'd tell you to relax. But, that comment of his? Nope, he's an ass. Even if he's not screwing around no married man should be out seeking the attention of other women.