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No one told me to RUN

Chmmy's picture

I think that on the top of the home page for STalk there should be a flashing sign that says RUN! I wish I would have found STalk before I got married & moved in. One year ago my life was so different before married skid life. Three years ago things were so so so different before I met my husband and his feral offspring.

The little skids went to their mom's & the big skids are out with friends overnight. We have no skids tonight yet I still didnt want to come home because somehow we still argue about skids. There is still an aura of skids in the house. Im always looking for a reason to get away. I got off early from work so I wasted 3 hours getting home then fought with DH on the phone on the way home but I was 2 mins away and Im tired. So here I am alone in my room on a Friday night with tears in my eyes mourning the life I once had, miserable and hungry but I dont want to leave the comfort of my room to get food.

Every time I think things are getting better it regresses again. Is that normal before a marraige breaks up? Highs and lows? Not even a year and I looked up a divorce lawyer today. I just wanted to see where he is located. He is a friend of my cousins and also the lawyer that BM used to stick it up DHs ass for their divorce(just a coincidence that my cousin knows BMs lawyer lol). He must be good because H got f'd up the ass good with his first divorce.

I left my job & my previous life for this marraige. I definitely got the short end of the stick in the sacrifices I have made to make this work. I dont know why Im so scared to leave. Life was better before and will be better again.

I wish I could drink. It would make all of this easier.

Comments

TrueNorth77's picture

Why can’t you drink? It’s happy hour over here at Step-girlfriend’s house, where I ditched SS’s b-ball game to stay home alone and drink and watch re-runs of Rookie Blue. 

It sucks that you feel that way. I understand. I feel like we have ups and downs too and most are attributed to skid-related issues, and we aren’t even married. Part of me wants to run. 

Life can definitely be better again. You just have to decide when you’ve had enough, or if you can make things better.

Chmmy's picture

I have a health condition that discourages me from drinking. Im on a pretty strict diet too and it makes a world of difference when I stick to it.

I thought things were getting better but DH never follows through which is why his kids are no consequence pieces of shit.

Why dont you run if you're not married?

TrueNorth77's picture

I’m on a diet too that I’ve Been crushing! Today is a semi-cheat day and this wine is delicious :) 

I hate the lack of follow-through. There is none here either, although skids are really good so I can’t complain too much. 

Why dont I run...I love him, and if we break up I really don’t see it being over. I’ve been single before and my experience was being single for 10+ years, dealing with 1 d-bag after another. Everyone I know has kids too, so I feel I would end up in another relationship with skids who may be worse than what I have. I don’t know that the grass is greener, I guess? More good than bad where I’m at.

Chmmy's picture

Good. I thought we had more good but now even the good goes sour. Ya i dated a lot of jerks. Kids or no kids. I will never date guys with kids again. I'd rather date an ex con...kidin of course!

SteppedOut's picture

Seriously. You seem so unhappy in this marriage. You are hungry, but don't feel comfortable enough in your own home to even get something to eat. Drinking won't help, but talking to that attorney and getting the ball rolling sure will! 

Don't keep being miserable. Don't let years and years and soon enough a decade pass unhappy. Please trust me. Don't keep giving up life. 

Chmmy's picture

I am often unhappy but at least Im not hungry anymore. Grabbed an avocado, salsa and some chips. Very good!

You're right. Im definitely not getting any younger. I thought DH was the one and he would be if the skids werent such a factor. It's not even the skids. I could handle them. It's his complete inability to be a decent parent.

SteppedOut's picture

Yum! Chips, avacado and salsa sounds good! 

Being with someone that can't/won't parent is nightmarish - I too was with someone like that. Thankfully I didn't marry him. I have not one time regretted leaving him.

thinkthrice's picture

non-parented ferrals have been PASed out for a decade now, I would never wish this life of CS impoverishment on anyone.   There should be a ban on relationships with "single dads" until the laws and court system is totally revamped to include:

1. the immediate recognition of PAS and the loss of custody for the instigating parent along with criminal prosecution.

2. 50/50 custody with no CS exchanged.

3. false abuse charges criminally prosecuted

4. the decriminalization of parental discipline

5. true equal (not special) rights were the BM is held EQUALLY responsible for the children FINANCIALLY.

Chmmy's picture

Id take poverty over the skids here 90%. When BM had the kids though she got over $600/wk and he had them half the time cuz they begged him to pick them up

Cooooookies's picture

It's familiar and comfortable.  Miserable, yes, BUT familiar.  We humans have a fear of the unknown, we like comfortable.  So we sit in a bedroom, starving, teary eyed, miserable after the 347th fight with the spouse over his rotten children and the brain goes through complicated mental gymnastics.  "But he loves me, he didn't mean it, it's only for 2 days, if the kids weren't around it would be perfect, it was so good when it first started...we can get there again.  He just needs another chance.  Next month will be different.  He'll see the light next month and everything will be better."

So "better the devil you know" somehow becomes the right choice.  Instead of "I'm not going to put up with this" or "I need to do what makes me happy" or "Lets heal and find our feet and happiness again".  Even "there will be someone out there who will treat me as I deserve to be treated."  We settle.  We get comfortable.  We choose the miserable familiarity.

I promise you it will be worth leaving and finding your own path.  I myself wasted 16 of my best years on a man that treated me like crap.  It was NOT worth it.  When I left I didn't mourn him or even our failed marriage.  I mourned the time lost that I would NEVER get back.  I mourned that I would never ever be 19-35 years old again and he got the best, youngest years of me for nothing.

Go out in the world and take care of yourself.  Be happy.  Discover what it's like to come home and feel safe and content.  I do promise you it is SOOOOO worth it!

Chmmy's picture

Im 45 and so far I've lost most of my 40s with him. i went from 40 and fabulous to 45 and tired.

19 -35 is a lot of years to lose...a lot! I've mourned time lost too. I know exactly what you mean

StepUltimate's picture

Appreciate everything you wrote. Very on-point, relevant, and encouraging. So glad for the years you DID claim by getting out.

elkclan's picture

I was in miserable marriage for years. Stuck with it. It wrecked my mental and physical health. I remember hiding in the bedroom. Today, I'm so much happier. Crazy (super crazy) BM, stepkids and all. It's not like my stepkids are perfect. They do annoying things. YSS is in a loyalty bind. It's not like my SO is perfect, I'm sure not. But for the first time in my life I'm in a GOOD relationship and it makes a huge difference. Don't stay miserable. But also don't give up on a marriage without first making sure you've done everything you can to make it right. When that's done and it still isn't right, don't stick around. 

tog redux's picture

The reason I've stayed is because DH is a good parent, he always put me first, and I never felt like he was the cause of my stress. BM and SS, yes, but he handled them the best he could and always put my needs first.  That allowed me to still respect and love him despite all the crap we've endured.

I could not deal with 4 skids that are there 90% and a DH that won't parent. I can see how hard it would be to throw in the towel after 1 year, but as you said, typically after 1 year, you wouldn't even be considering it.

If it's financially possible (I know it's not for many people), at least get your own place that you can go to when you need space away, if you aren't ready to divorce.  And stop arguing with DH about parenting, just set whatever boundaries you need to set for yourself.

Mommy22's picture

staying in the bedroom until I’ve HAD to come out; bc I knew once we (me and our kids) came out, that would be the start of the shenanigans from the SK. Once that started, then my SO would start his yelling and repeating himself over and over bc lord knows he sure won’t discipline or give any consequences. It’d be the start of a horrible, miserable day. I’ve locked myself in the bedroom, I’ve left the home, I’ve drank... I’ve talked to SO on numerous occasions. Nothing has worked. It’s been 4 years. I’m done. I’m finally to the point that me and our children are moving out part time. I already feel happier and less stressed. 

Thumper's picture

Information is power...so, I would make the appointment with the lawyer. Find out what your options are.

You will know when it is time to wrap it up and leave. Have a plan for where you are living that is the first thing.

Fear of the unknown holds a lot of people back in many areas of their life. Sometimes you have to walk thru it to get to the other side.

((((HUGS)))))

thinkthrice's picture

has been worse than both of my marriages combined.