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How am I the bad guy?

Chmmy's picture

I came home from work after midnight, changed my clothes, brushed teeth etc. DH was sleeping. When I grabbed the blankets, I woke him. We exchanged pleasantries and then I asked him why there were soaking wet towels on the carpet in the hall. I picked them up of course. Apparently he left them in the washer and when SD17 needed to do laundry she tossed them in the hall outside the laundry room. Really? So I said I was going to piss on her laundry.  Kinda crude but I wouldnt do it. Regardless,  somehow Im the bad guy who "woke him in the middle of the night to scream at him". I didnt scream but I was pissed. In what universe am I wrong? Im not looking for sympathy from anyone. I know as well as the other regulars here know I should be out of here. I like my life and I like my house. I just dont like my husband or his kids. There are things Id have to give up to leave him that Im not sure Im ready to give up. I know once I leave and get over this I will wonder why I waited so long.


Winterglow's picture

Wait ... he KNEW she threw clean, wet laundry on the floor and he just LEFT it there??! Diidn't pick it up or get the culprit to pick it up?! What kind of a slob does that kind of thing? Dammit, even if you HAD screamed at him few of us would have faulted you.

Chmmy's picture

No he didnt know. I walked by it and picked it up when I came home from work.  I thought maybe he did it unintentionally. She did it and it had to be intentional. He leftitin the washer when she wanted to do laundry. Instead of throwing it in the dryer she threw it in the hall. Im baffled too. 

captjacksprrw's picture

See my blog about where behavior like this wound up for us and where now we have a ton of work to do to rebuild.  Please talk with DH now ... alone.  Make sure that you are hearing what he intended to say and the same for hom on what you intend.  Then, be very clear that you want a unified front to talk to her and lay out some basic household behavior and what is not acceptable.  Do this early, do not let it fester as you will only become angry and resentful.  Then, if you truly want your marriage fully intact (as I do) you will have even more work to do.  You are Not the bad guy.  This cannot continue and the two of you must appear as a calm, united front changing the behavior.

tog redux's picture

Honestly? It could have waited until morning. JMHO. 

i wouldn't have said something then, but I have a good marriage and I know you are fed up with him. 

Thisisnotus's picture

I would totally agree except sometimes it is so hard. You know angry feeling that just rushes over you and you can’t help yourself!! I can relate to that....and then typically I always regret not waiting 

susanm's picture

I can relate to this.  I am normally not a "hot head" but when you make a factual statement about something in a joint household that is amiss - someone took clothing out of the washer and put it on the floor instead of the dryer, dirty dishes are piled in the sink when the dishwasher is empty, everyone else has been home for hours but the dog's water dish is bone dry and he gulped it down when you filled it - and are met with defensiveness and hostility instead of "oh no - I will make sure that does not happen again", then it is difficult not to meet it with equal hostility.  Especially when it happens over and over again.  

MurphysLaw's picture


Simply stating FACTS of a situation would 9 outta 10 times be countered with ridiculous excuses in the most nasty & condescending tone.

Gets old fast.


Chmmy's picture

I went back and threw it back on the floor. I said if this is how we ar going to live then leave it. Someone threw it in the dryer overnight.  I think it was SD. She heard the ruckus. I think she wanted daddeeeee to find it, not me. It's  her way of getting attention.  She prefers negative attention. She ignores any positive attention he tries to give her but acts out for negative. 

Thisisnotus's picture

We have a similar thing, too.

i take a garbage bag upstairs when skids leave and throw away anything that’s left out in common doesn’t do any good but it makes me feel good....dh just goes and buys replacements lol 

shamds's picture

i have 2 toddlers and my ss would take our washing out of the washing machine and dump them in plastic shopping bags (which we keep for throwing away cat poop and rubbish etc), these bags often have some samd or dirt from the groceries we bought.

i told hubby off because now i had to rewash our laundry because my son who is very sensitive with allergies will easily flare up on his skin. 

But i’m a hardass and I don’t appreciate arseholes dumping more unnecessary work on me when i have a toddler and newborn then being breastfed around the clock. But my ss would never grab his laundry in time. Hubby had the nerve to tell me its no big deal our clean laundry dumped in shopping bags or in the laundry basket dirty smelly clothes were in... 

i even had ss remove our clothes mid wash (like wet in soapy water and dumped to the side) at hubbys childhood home during the holidays. I physically took it out and dumped it to the side and washed our clothes. Ss left his clothes there for 7 hours before going in to the laundry asking where his clothes were, his aunt tells him she washed it because it was obvious he couldn’t be bothered to do it and dumped it there for a whole day and that meant other family members couldn’t wash their clothes

yeah ss20 had the nerve to smile and grin about that. But he has no shame about these things.

op i get how you feel and to be honest where i used to live we ofter have water shortages so if some idiot dumps it on the floor and it needs to be rewashed, I don’t have the privilege of waiting till the next morning to address it with hubby.

ss is one of the reasons he will never be in any home i buy with hubby or pay the mortgage for, he’s absolutely disgusting 

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

You're the bad guy because your DH raised s spoiled, entitled princess.  And, he is too lazy to clean up her mess or make her do it.  I would have lost it if I came home to my wet, clean laundry on the floor.  My DH might not be the neatest person, but even he knows that is not okay.  I probably would have waited until mor ing to ask, but it sounds like you didn't intentionally  wake him up so I think its okay that you asked. 

Lollybobs's picture

It's out of order that she threw clean wet laundry on the floor. But it's even worse that DH knew about it and just left it there.

SteppedOut's picture

Yep. I would like to think I would lose my ever loving $hit and wake everyone up to clean that rediculous mess up. 

But. The reality is, when you live in an unhealthy situation, you get emotionally beat down to the point of physical exhaustion. 

Thisisnotus's picture

This sort of thing happens in my house often....dh doesn’t help with any chores...SDs don’t help with any chores so I wouldn’t even bother saying anything to either of them in this case.

i would have woken up the next day and put the towels back in and taken SDs stuff out and put it on the floor

futurobrillante99's picture

Even if SD's clothes were in the dryer, I would make them wet and set them on the floor just so that whatever she was trying to wash to wear to work or school was found dirty and/or sopping wet in the morning. Biggrin

Chmmy's picture

Just to add, when SD leaves her laundry in the dryer and goes to school or work, I fold it nicely and leave it for her. Sometimes it's because I need  the dryer, sometimes I just do it because she goes to work and school and doesn't have time.

ITB2012's picture

I don't even fold DSs clothes. I will move them to the dryer if I have to, and I will dump the pile on his bed just so it's not sitting out. 

Gimlet's picture

Yep, that's what I did with DD.  Either you finish the laundry cycle or you don't start it at all. 

Lollybobs's picture

That's exactly what I'm doing with DD at the moment. She seems to think the fact that I'm making her do her own laundry at all is tantamount to child abuse. 

ITB2012's picture

I don't even fold DSs clothes. I will move them to the dryer if I have to, and I will dump the pile on his bed just so it's not sitting out. 

Cover1W's picture

Nope. Stop. My DH has recently been told by myself that he's in charge of his own laundry. I was PO'd because he took out a load of our combined clothes and just piled them on top...oh, no because I Always, Always folded our laundry. So now, as he has been leaving it in the dryer I just take it out and pile it on top. You do laundry, you finish it. You don't help me, I am not spending more of my time catering to you.

SD does her own, too often - but I ignore that. She only once took out my load from the washer, we have delay start and I had set it for a specific wash time. Soap and everything was in there and timer was clearly on. I told her it's ok to take things out of dryer if someone doesn't get it within an hour or so, but never take things out of the washer without asking.

Winterglow's picture

Then don't EVER do it aain. Stick it in a bag that you leave beside the dryer. So it's all creased? So sad ... too bad.

Chmmy's picture

Things for the most part jave been better between her & I so I was being nice. Ill piss on her next load before i fold it.

futurobrillante99's picture

Girl, start putting it back in the washer on the SOAK setting. Just tell her the clothes in the dryer smelled sour so  you did her a favor and washed them again. Each time she leaves them in the dryer, I would put them back in the washer and make them wet again. LOL

ITB2012's picture

That's how my DH has treated me. I'm the evil SM. Even neutral statements are taken as a damning judgement on him or his kids. 

Thisisnotus's picture

Yep! It’s supposed to be sunshine and roses at my house at all times no matter what is going on.

if I get mad or upset or frustrated or heaven forbid anything about anything regarding dh and skids....I am the worst person on earth. And then DH turns it all around on me saying how nothing is ever good enough for me....he tries hard to make me happy....why can’t I just be happy.....and then he gets sad and teary....then I feel like the bad guy....full of guilt....then I wonder if it is in fact my fault....then I question my sanity....and then we both pretend the conversation never took place......rinse and repeat going on 4 solid years now.....I am completely worn down and legit questioning my mental state.

Cover1W's picture

DH does this too but I stopped taking the BS. No DH I think it's reasonable that teens lock the front door, not push their face against every window in the living room leaving grease marks and be able to order food at a restaurant. These are basic adult skills - and it effects me directly so I'm not going to be quiet while you sit there and say "I don't know" for the millionth time." He usually apologies.

ITB2012's picture

but that doesn't stop DH from being upset by it. And me from having to defend myself/call him on it.

And it's exhausting to even have a neutral comment like "oh, I thought the kids were here one more day" taken as if I want them dead. 

(The sound out of my mouth was surprised because I expected them to be around, not like I was ecstatic and dancing because they were leaving earlier than I expected. And, if they were supposed to be around longer but DH and BM got in some argument about it or the kids just didn't want to be here, I didn't know any of that so don't take it out on me.) 

Cover1W's picture

True - I had to learn how to modulate my response; sometimes just leaving the room or the house for a while.

I also had to learn how to say something from an approach that didn't upset him - and HE had to learn how to think about how it affected me. 

Unless there's a two-way interaction it's always frustrating.  It's never perfect, but when it's not, I just have to let it roll off and get over it.

Chmmy's picture

Yes! That was my night. He did just wake up but i didnt wake him nor was it the first thing i said to him 

susanm's picture

Just wanted to point out that anything wet sitting on the carpet for a length of time will soak the pad underneath.  If the wetness is not soaked up it can start mold growth that is impossible to kill and will spread underneath the carpet.  That is a serious health hazard.  One event probably is not going to start anything major but it is not a minor thing if she is allowed to continue doing it.

susanm's picture

If it is his house that she is potentially trashing then it is his problem.  Not yours!  So long as she does not do it to your clothing that is,  If he is that unconcerned about the value of his house, the hell with him.

2nd wives club's picture

hahaha...I was just going to comment on the mold factor. Ew. Those towels would smell so nasty. Who wants to dry off whiffing mold? I'd donate those to SD to let her use, and buy some new ones, courtesy of "D"H.

I get you OP and your anger about this. You'll know when you're ready to go it's none of anyone's business what you do. We're here to support you.

Chmmy's picture

Im just enjoying my day. I went to yoga and zumba class on DHs dime. I live in a nice house on  DHs dime. I spend very little of my own money. I work part time and i get to do what I want. The tradeoff is living amongst assholes and DH is the King. I asked for no sympathy because I choose to love this life. Im considering going bacj to school to get my master's. Also on DHs dime. I workout and volunteer and travel.  My life is good but as everyone has felt it's frustrating at times.

Thumper's picture

I would not have said 1 single word to my dh

Also, . I would have also left them where they were left. . If I need to order new floors then so be it. OR if the carpet stinks...hire Steamers to come over and over again until the stench is gone Wink

Thats just me at this point.



somethingwicked's picture

After you and Dh exchanged pleasantries you asked him about the soaking wet towel asshat threw on the hall carpet rather than in the effing dryer LIKE A NORMAL person would do. Your DH got all his short hairs cross wise and went on the defensive coz you were stating a FACT that his pwecious is an inconsiderate idiot and HE felt attacked for his (obviously) lousy parenting when skid pulls this lazy ,inconsiderate  sh!t.

Oh I would have reigned fire and brimstone on his a$$ when he rearedup to defend the crazy.

He would have wanted to GTF out of that nice warm bed because it was going to be pretty damn frosty in that bedroom.

If these weak Disney /Ostrich type Daddy men would put even HALF the energy and effort into parenting their spawn that they put into defending their sh!tty parenting  wussiness and their rotten skids  they'd do so much better in the marriage department. AND parent department.Right?

NO ~you are NOT the "bad guy".

Your DuH is an idiot.

CLove's picture

But, we are all considerate at my house currently. When the clothes are washed, I let SD13 Munchkin know the laundry is ready to be changed out. And she thanks me, and we all go about our day (or evening).

ONE time she took a load it wasnt dry - I went a little bit ballistic. Just asked why she put went clothes out. She didnt know they were wet. She apologised and we all went about our day.

That was pretty rude of your SD17 - and immature.

She will have issues sharing a house or apartment with others, if thats how she acts now...