Father's Day and disengaged
My youngest son, 23, got my husband a father's day gift. So sweet of him. My ex, the kids' dad, passed away in Nov 2014. My kids like DH but they were 23 and 21 when we got married and both had lived out of state for college and now work out of state so they never really bonded with him. If you think it is hard to bond with steps after divorce, imagine trying to bond after the death of a parent. My oldest son, 25 is in EMDR trauma therapy for a car accident, they think anxiety exasperates his symptoms. The next time he meets with his therapist they will be discussing the death of his father, which was a suicide so I'm wondering if my son has had anxiety over his dad for 5 years. My oldest showed no signs of anxiety over his dad. He grieved and got over it so I thought. My husband noticed that BS25 was holding back some signs of anxiety over his dad. They have had a couple of private conversations over my son growing up with a dad who wasn't around much, never taught him things like my DH takes the time to show him things. I really have such a great DH except he is such a piss poor father that I don't know what to do. I have one foot out the door because he won't parent his children. They pretty much behave around me and treat me ok. They don't care too much for me or want to spend time with me but we haven't really had any incidents lately. I really have one foot out the door. I can't stand to watch him parent, or lack of parenting. I'm 99% disengaged. I do very little for any of the 4 other than maybe buy a few things at the grocery store and once in a while cook for the little ones when DH is working. My problem is I cant mentally/emothionally disengage and it eats at me EVERY DAY. I was in education for 20 years and I know what a disservice he is doing by being a Disney parent. I know I'm rambling and not making sense today. I'm confused what to do with my life and I wanted to get it out somewhere. I can't talk to DH because everything turns into an argument. I have no patience for his pathetic excuses and justification of his behavior.
- Chmmy's blog
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Comments
You don't respect your
You don't respect your husband anymore. My guess is that lack of respect has turned to disgust (it would for me!).
I really think you should leave this relationship as soon as possible.
Similar situation - contradiction
I have a similar situation where my DH is such an excellent father to my 2 BKs, still in their 50's, but a Disney Dad to mini-wife SD. I love him so much for the way he has taken on my BKs, especially because their biological father was a deadbeat dad. There is a contradiction in my feelings about him: so good with the BKs and his 2 sons, so delusional with SD. In his mind, he is being a good father to her, too, she just needs more. He doesn't see that his enabling is hurting her in the long run.
I get it, Chimmy, it's complex.
You HAVE to do what it takes
You HAVE to do what it takes to ensure you remain in a healthy place emotionally and mentally. If that means walking away, so be it.
Are you concerned that leaving your husband will impact your son? If so, make it clear to both men, that you won't be hurt if both men decide to continue their friendship. Let them know that you are making a decision that you feel is in your best interest.
I think my kids would be
I think my kids would be upset if I left because of me being hurt, not because of their relationship with DH. My sons are protective of me and my feelings. If I explained to them why I'm leaving they would understand, they have been around the skids enought to know there is something wrong with all of them. If not for COVID I think I'd be gone. I couldn't risk my parents' health by staying with them and I don't want to spend my saving getting a place while I am out of work. I am going back to work part time this week and looking for full time work in the fall as I'm in education so wish me luck!! If I was in a bad enough space, I could leave, I have money stashed but I'd rather wait it out and let DH pay for everything until I feel more stable. No time is ever a good time so I feel like I'm making excuses for a year, there is always something. There will be a point that I realize I need to get out. I have no children here, if I did, I'd have to do something as I would never let one of my bios live in this environment and always felt that way. Thank goodness I did not have a child with DH, I couldn't stand being permanently connected to these people.
(((HUGS))))
(((HUGS))))
Sounds like your looking to the future. One step at a time.
It's understandable.
Best of luck to you on your job search.