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Curious if others threaten suicide

Chmmy's picture

Is it normal for teens to threaten suicide during a meltdown/ fight with parents. My siblings and i never did and my 2 adult children never did but that's all i have to compare it to. Both of my SDs have during a meltdown used phrases like I'll just go kill myself or i want to kill myself. May be drama? May be the God awful mother they have and they actually want to die at that moment due to emotional trauma. Their mom literally left them on the street with their stuff while she pulled away in a moving van with her boyfriend and DH picked them up and they have been his ever since. Although its a pain to have the skids full time, it's a good thing. They are not grateful for him at all like my kids are grateful that when their dad left us for his singer I kicked ass as a single mom.

My kids had a sucky father who actually hung himself when my bio kids were 20 & 18 yrs old. Never in 100 yrs would I have thought he'd do that and I dont think my SDs 19 & 16 are suicidal but they have emotional problems beyond normal teen stuff esp SD19. She is medicated for depression. At times she is manic but has her downs around dad(pity party?). She acts differently when Im in earshot. Anyway just curious if its just something kids threaten now that 13 reasons why made suicide so trendy.

Comments

tog redux's picture

13 Reasons Why didn't make suicide trendy. Suicide rates have been rising for years in kids, and are the highest they've ever been.  So I'd suggest taking it seriously even though they may not have intent to kill themselves in that moment. It's a sign that they don't have great coping mechanisms.  Find them good therapists or if they have therapists, let them know.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Actually from what I’ve observed it 13 Reasons Why did have a negative impact on our patient population.

It just like how we see more suicide attempts after a famous person commits suicide.

tog redux's picture

I'm in the mental health field too - increased suicide rates were around before that show - it didn't make it "trendy".  It exposed an issue that was already going on.

Chmmy's picture

The trendy comment was sarcasm but i feel the show glamourized suicide and I didnt like to see that in a show that attracts kids. I've had 2 suicides in my family in 4 years and it has really opened my eyes to how common it is for seemingly normal people to commit suicide.

As far as the SDs they are hard core manipulators. They learned from the best(BM). I dont want them to use that as a way to get away with more than they already do. I also dont want to ignore it if they have a problem.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Doesn’t matter if it’s for attention or whatever reason. It needs to be taken seriously. Even if it’s “for attention” then it’s maladaptive because they’ve learned that’s what they have to do to get that need met.

Either way words can become actions and even if they don’t intend for things to “work” you can’t take them back.

I work in mental health and I had a client who we lost because everyone knew it was a cry for attention. Didn’t matter because when her parents didn’t take it serious she grabbed a bunch of pills and they didn’t get her to the hospital in time.

I’ve had a client accidently fall from a three story building because of a “cry for attention”.

I’ve had clients with scars from where they went just a slight bit too deep.

Words become actions easily. If they make statements like that you need to work with a mental health professional to help the child learn better coping skills and ways to get their needs met.

susanm's picture

When OSD moved up to having to have a specific pair of shoes or life was not worth living, I tapped out.  Pretty sure that was the last time I went shopping for anything with that girl.  If someone is going to watch to see what is going to make the people who love them jump with fear and then use it to get SHOES, I want nothing to do with them.

Chmmy's picture

Thats what I mean. This meltdown was because we didnt get her Chinese food. It turned in to you never do anything for me...blah blah blah. I cant take this, I'm going to kill myself

Chmmy's picture

It wasnt my fight, it was DHs. He was walking away when she said it and he said "whats that? You're going to kill yourself. Great! Just great!

 

grace8205's picture

My skid24 did as an older teen and still does to this day, not as much. I noticed he says things like this when he is asking for money because he is stressed out and broke. I think he uses it as a manipulation tool, but like you if he is serious I wish he would get help. Therapy and help as been offered but he doesn’t do it. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Personally? I'd like to think I'd be taking my kid to the hospital or calling a crisis line for advice if they threatened suicide. If they are faking, 72 hours in holding at the hospital will either get them to not threaten it again or give you insight into what is actually going on.

I don't play these games. I've had my mother and sister both threaten suicide multiple times, and the amount of anxiety it causes is unbelievable. They'll never actually do it (they even say that), but they like to tell me how they would do it. There's no regard for how it makes me or anyone else feel.

Now, if it happens, I threaten to call 911. That usually causes them to backtrack. They feel awful (usually because they aren't taking their meds appropriately) and want to make others hurt. Well, too bad. I'm not going to have it on my conscience that they offed themselves while I did nothing. If it inconveniences them and costs them money, so be it. Don't f**k with that.

I'd take the hard approach of getting them into therapy. If their hope is that you'll give in, don't. Get them help. I don't think teenagers who say that realize that there ARE residential treatment options AND suicide watch holds AND therapy afterwards. If they want to play, play. Show them it isn't a game that will be taken lightly.

Chmmy's picture

Never thought of that. She'd hate us forever. If it continues we might have to do something.

There were no apparent warnings when my ex killed himself or my uncle killed himself until after the fact things start to make sense

momjeans's picture

 

Personally? I'd like to think I'd be taking my kid to the hospital or calling a crisis line for advice if they threatened suicide. If they are faking, 72 hours in holding at the hospital will either get them to not threaten it again or give you insight into what is actually going on.

I don't play these games. I've had my mother and sister both threaten suicide multiple times, and the amount of anxiety it causes is unbelievable. They'll never actually do it (they even say that), but they like to tell me how they would do it. There's no regard for how it makes me or anyone else feel.

This. What lieutenant_dad stated.

I, too, do not play when it comes to threats of suicide. My adult son pulled this once, ONCE, when he was 17. I called the crisis hotline immediately. 

There were no apparent warnings when my ex killed himself or my uncle killed himself

There’s never a warning sign from those committed to carrying this out. Out of all the suicides close to me, something like TEN, there was never a sign. Never. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

I think you gathered this but I want to make this really, really clear:

Even IF she isn't suicidal, something IS wrong. My mother is bipolar (or at least manic, they can't give her a straight diagnosis because she refuses counseling, only meds). My sister suffers from chronic depression that is slowly looking more and more like what Mom has. Neither of them want to die, but when they are low, they threaten it and fantasize about it. And I say they won't because they don't have the guts to do it - and they admit that freely.

And I understand where they are coming from. I have, for many years, cycled through depression and mania. I have chronic anxiety (have since I was a kid). I have had thoughts of suicide - sort of. Not that I want to die, but that I want to disappear. I want to run away from it all. Those thoughts fill my head after I crash, and I'm usually trying to claw my way through my mattress so I don't scratch through my arms. Thank God those episodes are few and far between now. I think I have had one this year during a time when my stress was on overdrive.

I won't take a bottle of pills or put a rope around my neck, but that doesn't mean I'm healthy. I do *a lot* of self-care to make myself functional (I don't do well with pills of any sort). Even if SD doesn't mean to actually harm herself, something is going on to either make her cry out in pain (similar to what I do) or make her think crying wolf is okay. Both need to be evaluated.

If, and I really think this is a BIG if, she is just doing it to get her way (like the little girl in the 80s or 90s who reported that her father was sexually abusing her because she wanted to go to Disney World like her friend), then going through the hellish process of a psych eval and being detained with people who ARE ACTUALLY A DANGER may make her understand just how incredibly stupid it is to joke about.

New_to_this's picture

SS14 does this often. He threatens suicide for the smallest reasons. I learned from DH's mom that BM does this too. She threatened DH that she would commit suicide when they were teens. DH's family called the cops, who went to her house and found her watching tv with her parents, not distraught whatsoever. Both BM and SS are very emotionally manipulative.

We've sent SS to the hospital and a psychiatric ward for a week after he made claims one of the times. I still don't think he recognized the seriousness of his claims. All he talked about during his stay was how good the food was (he gained a ton of weight in those weeks). I don't know if he gained anything positive from it, as he still threatens it. But, it was financially draining - thousands of dollars. DH and I were able to deal with it, but BM couldn't and owed us money for years because of it. I don't think SS would care even if he knew the drama it caused.

TrueNorth77's picture

So, Crazy BM here has a 20yr old daughter from a random dude who was in prison for most of the daughter’s life...my SO raised her like his own since she was 2 (this is why my SO also thinks he understands SM life...although not having to deal with a crazy biodad, and getting to call the shots, AND this girl thinking my SO was actually her dad is not exactly “apples to apples” with what most of us deal with). But I digress. This girl had issues, and ended up going to live with her aunt in high school. Prior to that she would wreck things, threaten suicide...she was uncontrollable. She threatened to throw herself out the upstairs window, so my SO opened the window and told her to go ahead. Of course she didn’t, and was just trying to get attention, and he knew she wouldn’t. To this day Crazy will tell skids and all of her boyfriends how terrible my SO is, and how he “tried to kill” her oldest daughter by throwing her out a window. 

It sounds like this is a thing that quite a few kids do. Although she was lying, she still clearly really needed help that she never got. 

Lndsy747's picture

SD told her mom that she was suicidal and had taken pills to try to commit suicide while at our place earlier that week this summer. She waited several days until BM was on her way to drop her off to say something. This happened after we went through her phone (BM told us to) and found out all the dumb decisions she was making(sex with multiple people, drinking and smoking and also posted a pic of our 1 year old referring to her as a little ho on IG). We're pretty sure she said it to get out of coming over because she didn't want to deal with consequences but her mom put her in crisis for like 5 days just in case.

I will say that when going through her phone that her and her friends make a lot of comments about suicide in a joking manner saying "go kill yourself" as a way to say screw you or I'm going to kill myself when embarrassed or stressed about something.

I completely agree that 13 reasons glorified suicide for a generation that's already struggling with dealing with the topic.

Siemprematahari's picture

I'd take the threat seriously. Maybe having her admitted for 72 hours in a hospital psych ward is what she needs and services can be offered to her for help. My siblings and I never threatened that to our parents and I can't imagine what would have ensued had we did that just because we had a melt down and used that as a way to get something we wanted.

People and kids in general do not understand the severity of suicide and need to be educated on this. As for 13 Reasons Why? I don't think suicide was glorified. In my opinion it showed the cold hard truth of what these kids deal with in life and not having anyone to talk to about it.

AlwaysSmiling's picture

It's the same basic principle of making a child that fakes illness go and 'rest' all day- if you're too sick to go to school, then you're too sick to play video games or play basketball. 

You take any suicide threats seriously by calling 911 & reporting it- they in turn will take it seriously as well. Maybe a little too much attention that they don't want will be enough to quench the desire to say that phrase again. 

My daughter made some suicidal threats in her teen years- just like your SD did- while visiting at her Dad's house. (She only did this while at her Dad's; never while she was at home with me.) She seemed to be having a hard time with the extra attention that her older sister was getting (older sister in her Freshman year at college). One time, my older daughter was on her way to take final exams & my teen daughter was trying to call her, but was cut off bc of how busy she was & the go-to phrase my teen daughter used was 'no one has time for me; I might as well just kill myself!' (She had used that phrase a couple of times before & got the reaction that she wanted- basically more attention- from her Dad, from me, from her sister, and even grandparents). My older daughter almost missed her final exams bc of that! I told my older daughter to go take her exams & that I'd handle it. I tried calling my teen daughter & my ex, but couldn't get them on the phone- so I called 911 & told the dispatcher what was going & they sent a Deputy to the house & picked her up- escorted her to our local behavior health center. She stayed in for a couple of days for observation. And she told me that she HATED me for doing that. I told her that I didn't have a choice & that if she threatened suicide again, she would have the same reaction from me. But months later, she did again, and 911 was called one more time with the exact same results as the prior time. She was much more cautious with her words after that. It's a lesson that she needed to learn. 

The therapist that she talked to asked her questions like:
When you say said that, how did you want your family to respond to you?
That was the best question for her- it got her to thinking.

She's in her twenties now & pregnant with my first grandbaby! (Which I'm super-super excited about!!!)

Teenagers are stupid. They don't understand the seriousness of the situations that they put themselves or others in. Parenting and providing guidance for them in those teenage years is hard. Good luck getting thru those difficult years!

oneoffour's picture

... would do this in her teens. I turned to her and said "The next time you say you will kill yourself I will put you in my car and drive you to *nearest psych unti* and they will admit you for 72 hrs. They will legally hold you and you will have all your perosnal posessions removed. No phone, no purse. You will not be permitted to be alone and you will not wear your own clothes. You will be seeing Drs and nursing staff so they can help you find the cause for your suicide tendencies. If you really need help they can help you. If this is over Chinese food or the weather is wrong or your favourite actor got married ... then you will find out what happens. You either need help or you need a reality check."

She never tried it again.

Gwynnafaye's picture

Tomorrow will be 8 weeks since my son committed suicide.  We had no indication or clue that he would do so.  He was 23.  We had a wonderful dinner out that evening as a family.  He and I were singing at the table.  He was happy . . . or so we thought.  Two hours after we dropped him off at his apartment, he was gone.  Trust me, the deputy coroner knocking at your door late at night is not a vist you ever want.  Even if someone is saying they will do it for attention, please take it seriously.  The pain and guilt a parent feels when their child takes their life is unbearable.  Today was my first holiday without my beautiful boy, and Christmas is just around the corner.  It hurts so much!!   I am broken and shattered.  

It may be nothing, but don't take the chance that it could be something.  

Aniki-Moderator's picture

I'm so sorry, Gwynnafaye. {{{hugs}}}

You are correct - don't take a chance. A friend of mine's son committed suicide 3 years ago. He and his girlfriend came for Thanksgiving dinner, he laughed, joked, played his guitar and sang. They left, stopped at a gas station for pop, went home, she went into the bathroom, and he went into the bedroom to die. NO ONE had any idea.

Please take every threat seriously. 

notsobad's picture

I'm so sorry for your loss. Big hugs to you and your family. The next year is going to be difficult. Keep trying to look forward and hold your memories close to your heart.

notsobad's picture

BM threatened suicide when she and DH broke up if DH wouldn't keep giving her money. It was emotional blackmail and it worked because he was terrified that she just might do it. She hasn't done it again to DH but I think she's done it to the skids.

My Dad committed suicide after his wife died of cancer. I saw it coming but was helpless to stop it, he didn't threaten, never mentioned it to anyone, but I could see him coming unraveled.

After his death my Mom told me that over the years he'd threatened suicide multiple times. Whenever his life was going badly, he say he'd be better off dead. The first time was when they were teens and she tried to break up with him. He said he was going to go lay on the train tracks, why my Mother ever got back together with him is a mystery to me. He had affairs and when she'd leave, he'd beg her to come back and if she didn't he'd kill himself.

The last threat wasn't when he actually killed himself. It was after he'd left my Mom for the neighbour, decided it was a bad idea and begged my Mom to take him back. She said no that time, he said he was going to kill himself, she said the kids will miss you. He didn't and he never threaten it to my Mom again.

I'm not sure what I'd do in your situation. I don't think you can simply ignore it but you also can't cater to it. I think calling 911 when she threatens it is a good idea, as is inpaitent care. But then again I live in Canada and wouldn't go broke looking for help.