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Ready to call it quits

Childless male's picture

Ever since SO and I met, I showed absolutely no interest in SD8 (5 at the time). I had never been married and have no kids. SO was married for 7 years and had her daughter. When we first met and SO and I would hang out whenever possible without SD since BD would take care of SD on Wednesdays which were the visit days. It never came out of me to take SD out with us anywhere. I would try to avoid SD as much as possible.

As our relationship went along I felt like SO would just play dumb and deny everything every time I would catch her in a lie and would say that we see things differently. SO’s typical behavior is to do something that bothers me but not the actual act, just something similar, just to see what she can get away with. Then plays dumb. To me a lie is a lie no matter how you try to distort the facts. Our relationship has that foundation.

 Even though we had that as a foundation we would still talk things through after fights and remain together. She was with me through some rough times but I never let her really know of my financial situation. For all she knew was that I was a business owner, veteran with various college degrees. In her eyes I was a winner, in my eyes, I did not care about what she had accomplished because I never had anyone worth while stick with me in a relationship. A red flag for me was that when we were going out she wanted me to add her to my house and business, I told her no because she did not put into any of this. She was working at the time and going to school, but I was well passed that era in my life (school that is). I eventually closed down that business and started working in a job that I hated with a passion. I decided to move to a different city. I proposed and she said yes. I was going to feel guilty if I did not do this, which I immediately regretted, and have thought about how great life would be if I didn’t get married and have a SD every single day to this day. It took a year for SO and SD to move in with me due to Covid. Through out that year I wanted a divorce and told her twice. It was mostly because she kept on playing dumb with her lies. I told her on the day that I had enough that I didn’t want to continue, she begged me not to divorce her. She lied to my mother about her ending up with nothing, no money or job because she was recently laid off. She said she had no money. I ended up buying her plane ticket along with SD8 to fly to me. Soon after I find out she had a huge pay out from her job. She spent that in about a month. Ever since they moved in the apartment, I have always been broke, no time to study for my certifications because SO wants me to go home and cuddle, feeling resentment towards SD8 cause now my life is limited to what I can do because of her.

I feel like I am living in accordance to another person’s terms, not mine. I was told that we would work together to accomplish our goals and SO is actually working against those goals and setting me back. I sold the house back home and SO wanted to know what I did with that money, she called me selfish for that and I told her I had bought it when she was married with a kid, she stopped asking about that. SO wants me to come home early when I am studying, when this certification I am taking takes full effort on my part, and a lot of hours of study, which I find that SO needs extra attention. I still show SD8 minimal attention and now SO is acting awkward, as if she’s just waiting to find a job so she can leave. At this point I just feel like I am being taken advantage of since SO and SD are now asking me to buy them stuff when this would not happen before. I definitely want out of this, and don’t want to remain married. Taking care of another man’s kid is just not for me. I know SD8 communicates with him on the regular and SO keeps all that child support and acts as if she’s not getting anything. I feel like I am not going anywhere with my life goals being in this situation and just  stuck with another man’s responsibility. SO is the type to be spending money without caring to invest for retirement and all her family is like that. I don’t feel comfortable even investing or saving on my own cause she will want to spend. I don’t feel comfortable sharing any financial goals with her and don’t feel comfortable buy a house together. I see no value in what having a SD brings to the table and do not feel any satisfaction working hard and being broke to support a family that is not originally mine. We have two cars that are mine and were paid off before we met and ofcourse SO wants a new truck and she drives the fancy car since she asked for it, and I didn’t want to argue so I drive the crappy car. Now that we are in a different city I feel like it is way harder to stop being in this relationship since they cant exactly pack up and leave. We are coming up on three months living together and I had enough.

At this point I feel like I am wasting too much time on reading blogs and posts instead of putting my thoughts to actions and letting time pass. I feel like I am missing out on a lot in this new city and life in general by having the SD8 and SO weighing me down. She told me already that she did not want anymore kids cause she felt she was too old, even though that was part of our original plan. I feel like I am so distracted by disliking being a stepfather that I cannot focus on my career.

We are on different levels on a lot of things and I feel like I worked too hard to get to where I am for them just to jump from one relationship to this one and not have anything to offer but more bills. Living in this city and married with a SK and not having that in common with anyone makes me feel like I cannot give them the typical life that they need. Especially since I am not developing any feelings for the kids and feel like they are holding me back.

We have different priorities, like SO wants a house already, I am building up my career. SO wanting a house makes it difficult for me since I have trust issues with SO from the beginning that are not going away.

Right now I am waiting for the opportunity so that we can be at our home town so I can give them the news. Unfortunately my mindset is not changing no matter what I do and I can only imagine how great it would be without having my SO’s extra baggage. SO is very controlling and I have to be careful with what I message my friends and family. I want out, but don’t have a plan yet. Not sure how to bring it up, just want to make sure its somewhere we don’t have to see each other again since she will cry and try to make me stay cause she obviously benefits from this relationship. Being married with a woman with  a kid has downgraded my life in a lot of ways that I just cannot tolerate.




shamds's picture

Supported you in your career but asks for her name to be on house titles, access to your money etc. she wants a free home without having to contribute to it.

how long into this marriage are you because serious red flags are there you are nothing but some sugar daddy. Get out while you can before she has ammo and years of msrriage to demand spousal support or half of everything you own yet alone gets pregnant!!

Childless male's picture

We were BF/GF for 2 years before I decided to move. I totally agree on everything you said. Even though SO did say the thing about the access to my stuff, that was never brought up again and she was not needy until SO moved in with SD. SO even said SO wanted me to take money out my retirement so I can give her a purse for the holidays.

shamds's picture

Look my husband is a snr banker overseas. Actually runs a whole bank nationwide and pretty well off. I never demanded fancy weddings, fancy gifts or an engagement/wedding ring equal to 3 months of his salary yet alone yearly holidays. We buy airfares to my country for our yearly winter holiday on sale, mini getaways interstate bought months in advance on sale. We live on a budget. Skids jowever blow money on useless crap!!

4 yrs into our marriage with 2 little kids of our own and suddenly exwife decided to have alienated sd's contact hubby lecturing him about his duty to continue child support indefinitely. This was a 23 yr old uni graduate who was already in employment. Not only that they wanted him to transfer his property over to skids solely (ignoring me and our 2 minor kids) skids are 25, 22.5 & 15. I saw the warning signs then years ago

my husband offloaded a huge chunk of retirement savings to buy a home in my country of birth because our 2 kids would school there (public school system is free & better standard than his country) and home was put solely in my name, hubby didn't want me dealing with a crazy exwife and 3 skids intent on making it like we never existed and blowing through his estate when he had a duty to ensure we were provided for and had the same access to support and education skids had & have. He told skids i was willed his pension and life insurance policy because frankly i am caring for his minor kids and chances if anything happened to him, youngest sd15 would be an adult already.

in your case you have no kids together but she is demanding you withdraw retirement savings to take her on a yearly holiday or shopping spree. Not everyone with miney is intent on living like they're loaded as. Plenty look to their future and make sure they are set up instead of wasting it on petty things.

There are too mnay red flags with this woman. Gold diggers can't keep their con game on for too long

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Yeah, you clearly want out. Get out before you are trapped with a baby or have been together long enough to owe her alimony. 

Childless male's picture

We have been living together for 3 months and been married for a year and 3 months. Have not bought any type of property together so I think I wont be SOL when it comes down to splitting assets

Momof2plus1's picture

Leave now! Kick them to the curb! Ship her back to her mom! Yikes! The sooner you do it the happier you will be.

Childless male's picture

I just keep on getting more miserable each day, I am getting really depressed at this point. I dont wanna end up like these guys I know that end up knocking up a girl (same goes the other way around, happend in my SOs situation that she told me she did not want to get pregnant in her first marriage) and now they are miserable and end up breaking off either way.

Winterglow's picture

"she told me she did not want to get pregnant in her first marriage"

No offence but ... I think we've all heard a version of that before. Don't let her lull you into a false sense of security. Once she realizes that you've got one foot out the door, she's going to do her damndest to get pregnant to hold on to you. She has it too good for things to be otherwise. 

Childless male's picture

I will definitely follow your advice. I also interpreted what SO said as, "I regret getting pregnant and having to stay in a relationship and being stuck with baggage" So I am going to take what she said and avoid kids altogether. I appreciate you

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Please be very, VERY careful with birth control until you are free of this woman. She may realize that the marriage is failing and decide a baby would be a nice revenue stream.

StrawberryPie's picture

Do not stay in this relationship  - your values are not aligned.  And I agree w the other posters, be careful or you'll end up a daddy soon.

JRI's picture

1.  Lawyer

2.  Ironclad birth control

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I would contact a lawyer and start making plans to disolve this marriage before she finds a way to trap you even further. Any woman who has a child and completely gives up her financial independence like that should be a huge red flag. 

Childless male's picture

She was also married but separated when we met, she had told me this about three months from the day we met. I was bothered but did not care since I did not see a future with her. Thats why I think she does and says things in a certain way to protect herself from leaving a relationship with nothing since it did happen before. About a month after she divorced we became bf/gf, and since I am a great catch compared to the other males from the same area, she knew she would not find someone better and stuck with me. I had told her several times that I cannot accept the fact she has a child, and she would just bust out crying and I would stay because I felt so guilty because of her reaction. Then again, when I think about it, she left he first marriage having a kid and all because she was not happy, and I dont see why i am having so much trouble with this.

Childless male's picture

I proposed since at the time I thought it was the right thing to do since she never left my side and I ignored the red flags from before. Definitely should have put more thought into it and I would have avoided all this, then again the doubt would have remained. I have no doubts now.

CLove's picture

Well, do what my DH did with his first wife, Toxic Troll, and move her out. Do not do what he did and drag out the separation.Try to take the emotion out of things, go gray rock.

You need to protect yourself. She sounds like a user and an operator. She knows how to manipulate using guilt, and you are finally seeing through it all, thank goodness.

My Dh did not see that with Toxic Troll. She is a crazy narcissistic manipulator (and probably bi polar), and had him all twisted up. Until 20 years later and he found out she was meeting dudes online (and probably physical as well), and booted her out.

Dont waste any more time. Through this COVID pandemic I am realizing that time is precious.

Momof2plus1's picture

The only way to get out of your depression and funk is to make a plan. Take that next step. You have heard it from family/ friends and now on this board. Don't even have sex with her any more- that will ensure no anchor will continue to tie you down financially. Finances is one of the number 1 causes of divorce. She isn't working. That's not a help. That  just gives you more of a case to go. Did she ever work? 
I left a difficult first marriage- my ex did drugs. It took me FOUR YEARS TO LEAVE HIM. Mainly because my son was 1, and he would not be able to take care of himself- and Florida give the fathers rights and make it hard to prove the father / other parent is unsafe. I could have been freed a lot sooner. It's hard. But you have to rip the bandaid off. Don't wait. I was constantly stressed and miserable way longer than I needed to be.
please. Make a plan. Have a target date and follow through. Take that first step... then you will break out into a run right out of there into HAPPINESS! 

Childless male's picture

She did work after her first separation from the first divorce, she did not work while she was married. Since she did not work while married, she is making it seem like she is the boss of my finances, like in her prior marriage since she told me that her ex would give her his check and she would take care of everything else. I am used to living along all my life, and will not let someone take control over something that I have worked hard for and invested years in. Even before marriage, we talked about our finances and thing definitely did not add up then. During our talks she would make it seem like her check is for her and SK while I pay for everything else. I disagreed and told her she has to put in her part, and she agreed. Now, she is saying that she wont be able to cooperate since she wont be making that much and will have to pay for day care. I am currently thinking of a plan now. Our relationship is rather good, just the SK and finances along with the trust issues is what is a deal breaker for me now.

Momof2plus1's picture

There's always a weekend job with 1-2 nights a week. Just feed and put SK in front of the tv.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I am going to say it again. You know this aba bad situation. Your gut is telling you as much. Stop trying to make excuses. Stop having conversations with her about it. She is manipulating you and slowly trying to gain more control over you. Get away from this woman. You should not be having these feelings. You truly don't trust her and there is a probably many good reasons for it. 

Childless male's picture

I am going to follow my gut, even thinking about doing anything that is financially significant with SO gives me terrible anxiety. I would rather suffer a few months by breaking this off now, then continue with all this every day of my life.