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Furious for even asking me

Chi123's picture

I am beyond words and furious. DH is currently now on the process of being ordered child support from BM. Before this he was giving her money but all of a sudden now that we got married and had a baby she filed. Anyways, currently DH is having medical issues and is currently waiting for SSD meaning his work is limited. The amount to be paid is yet to be determined. I never was against him giving her part of his money. But now that he can't work as much he afraid of not being able to pay and end up in jail.  So in evening we were talking and out of nowhere he stated that if its a high amount, I should pay it for him.  I laughed! It became a whole ordeal that i was basically mean for not paying his child support when our son needs stuff too and while I'm trying to pay rent , bills etc. I refuse to give BM my money. I even told DH Id help him go to court to ask for modification if the amount was too high. At the end he said he wanted a divorce. Is there a side I'm not seeing here? 


susanm's picture

Yeah.  The side where he has to split any joint assets that you have and he has to pay you child support too.  Instead of "thank you for all of your help - let's see what the amount is and go from there since it will be based on my SSD" he said that he wants a divorce?  What an idiot!!!   Did he stick his head in the car door and slam it on himself a few times too?

Chi123's picture

He basically took it as me leaving him on his own with that case just because i refused to give BM my money to pay for his child support payment for 3 kids when my infant son needs my money. I told him ill gladly help pay for lawyer instead and get modification if it came down to that but never ever money to her from me

Petronella's picture

I mean, it kind of ends up being the same thing. If every cent he has goes to BM, that leaves you paying more than your share of things for your house and child anyway. But I still agree with your stance 100% and he is being an ass. Are his medical issues mental, because he's not being rational.

Husband's wife's picture

Can you file for CS for your son while still married? In some places it is possible and I would do exactly that. In addition to that I would make sure to have a good prenup with this guy. And, if he would ask me to pay for him, I would divorce ASAP. 

Come on, they didn't ask my opinion when they had unprotected sex, they didn't ask my opinion when they decided not to abort and suddenly I become responsible for their choices ??!! Naaan, not gonna happen. Than I ask the BM to pay for my kid, why shouldn't she ? 
Seriously, I helped DH to pay CS a couple of times but it was a loan, he certainly paid me back. Protect yourself and your child, this guy with his 3 (THREE) kids is going to cost you a lot of money, it is going to be cheaper to raise your kid all by yourself. 

Chi123's picture

 Soon as he said he wanted a divorce,  I did not even fight against it. I told him exact same why should I be paying for their past? Why should I have to work hard to keep us afloat to give her money? I will never keep food out of my son's mouth to give to 3 kids that aren't even mine.  It seems as yes it will be better off raising my son alone

Kes's picture

Yes, this man is an utter tool.    I can guarantee, that 99% + of members on this site would also laugh at the idea of an SM paying their DH's child support.  Time to get your ducks in a row and get lawyered up, I think.  

tog redux's picture

I helped DH pay CS for around 2-3 months after he lost his job - at the time, he needed to pay or risk his immigration status. It was no hardship for me so I helped.

BM probably filed out of concern (rightfully, it seems)mthat with him on SSD and being remarried with another baby, her kids won't get any money from him unless she makes if official.  But it's his job to pay for the kids he created. Hopefully the court is fair, sometimes they aren't especially fair when it comes to CS.

Chi123's picture

I see it as its his responsibility to pay not mine. But what got me more mad how it seemed to him I was in the wrong somehow and expected me to pay. I refuse to be stepped over. I told him i don't care being breadwinner or paying other things such as getting a lawyer to back him up in court 

tog redux's picture

It totally is his responsibility and yours is to your child. And to threaten divorce is idiotic. Then he will owe you CS too! Probably thought you would back down. 

Husband's wife's picture

His responsibility is also going to her child, which is often forgotten in the second families. 

shamds's picture

when I graduate university the only minor stepkid witll be sd16.5-17, i will be in fulltime employment then. If hubbys exwife chucked a hissyfit that i have lots of money and she wanted more child support, its simple, hubby will say my money is my money and the reason why i have a good income is i got off my arse and went to university while she sat on her lazy arse for 30yrs not trying to better herself.

none of my funds/income will ever go to skid!!! Not ever. If their mum refuses to be responsible then why should i.

Chi123's picture

Least you know hubby wouldn't expect you to pay at all it wouldn't even be mentioned. Mine told me months back when she told him she was taking him to CS, that he didn't expect me to pay and to even divorce him on paper if they took into account my income. Now all of a sudden he expects to pay. Nope!!!!!! Out of all things that the one thing I will never do 

twoviewpoints's picture

Months ago? How long since he's been unable to work or been cut way back in ability to do so? Is he currenty in arrears? 


Chi123's picture

He been out for about a year or so. And no he currently doesnt owe yet, court is in process of it

susanm's picture

A year?  Did he lose a body part??  If he was injured to the point that he could not resume his previous occupation then he needed to retrain.  A few months in should have been enough for him to realize that he had to start moving in that direction.  That is what community college and vocational schools are for and they would have no impact on his benefits.  Most injured worker programs will even contribute to retraining education as that will cut short their eventual payouts.  After a certain point there is no more sitting on your butt and claiming injury to avoid work.  Everyone has a job in life.

shamds's picture

They say what you want to hear but really make it knows first family takes precedence because those poor kids of divorce... they had it so rough. Whats rough is a stepmum being told to pay cs to bio mum because she’s a lazy piece of shit who can’t get off her arse and get a job when there is a free cheque every month from the rx, i mean thats her money, not money for her kids. She doesn’t see herself as jointly responsible for her kids. Typical narcissistic hcgubm behaviour and mentality 

Gimlet's picture

You've already offered to take on the rent and bills, and support your infant son, and pay for a lawyer (!) I think it's unreasonable of him to ask that you also give money to BM.  

The courts will determine what he needs to pay.  It sounds like you're willing to step up and take care of your child and BM will have to make adjustments too if he's unable to work. 

Chi123's picture

I told him Id help with anything else such as court costs but never give her my money. Somehow I still seemed like an ass for having said no to making payments. Shoot, I even had worked all through pregnancy to have food for us to eat cause there were days we'd starve and I had bad morning sickness. I guess being too kind is also a curse. But we all have limits 

Gimlet's picture

You have done everything that could reasonably be expected of you and more.   I'm sorry that your husband is OK with watching you work your ass off and then insulting you by asking you to also give his ex money.   What a jackass. 


lieutenant_dad's picture

So if you're paying all the household bills, and he wants you to cover CS, what exactly is he going to be paying with SSD? And is his current disability situation one that could change in the future?

 If my DH were on temporary disability due to illness/injury and would likely recover and get back to some job, I'd be willing to fill in temporarily with CS if the court deemed he needed to keep paying at the previous amount. But I'd only do that if he were greatful for the help.

Your H has put the cart miles before the horse, then shot the horse and broke a wheel on the cart. You have a decision to make - do you stay married, or do you leave? If you stay, how will you deal with your H immediately jumping to divorce to get his way? 

ESMOD's picture

First, I really don't blame his EX for wanting to make CS official.. especially with him getting married and having a new baby.  I can see her being concerned that he might not provide as much as he had before because he felt he had new obligations.  She is just protecting her children's needs.  I know it sucks for you because it will be a payment that he will be legally obligated to make before he contributes to your household (which includes you and his child).

However, looking at it from a pragmatic viewpoint.. shouldn't he have made sure he could cover his EXISTING obligations (children with EX) before he created a new obligation with you?  They shouldn't necessarily suffer because he chose to have another child after.  I know in an "intact" family that when the parents continue to have new children that they may have to cut corners all the way around and there may not be as many luxuries but I get the feeling that what your DH was paying his EX previously wasn't "luxury level" cost of living payments.

Now.. he is in an even worse place because he is disabled.  I'm not sure how long he has been working on that application.. but it can take years to get approved.  You may end up having to support him in the meantime if he cannot work.  I'm not sure what his disability is.. but is there a chance he will recover?  If not.. your financial future with this guy is grim.

He wants a divorce.  To be honest, you would be well served to accept that generous offer.  Get your divorce.. and get in line for your child's child support.  What kind of jerk threatens divorce anyway? oh yeah.. the same one that is telling his spouse she has to pay his bills including CS.

So... get a divorce.. get your own place.  You may not get much support for your baby from HIM.. but at least you won't be supporting HIS sorry self!  And you certainly won't be paying HIS court costs.. HIS share of rent, food, beer.. etc.. 

Get a small place.. perhaps a 1BR with a small office (nursery).. what you earn will go 100% to you and the baby.. not siphoned off for his problems.

I don't know if he became disabled before or after your pregnancy.. but he really had no business having more kids when he couldn't support the ones he had.  I know that you view BM as causing this issue by filing for support.. but in reality, it's your DH who isn't holding up his end of the responsibility rope.

Chi123's picture

I dont even have anything against him having to pay CS, just the fact that I'm somehow expected to pay for him for 3 kids when I have an infant who needs my income and barrely getting by

ESMOD's picture

To be clear.. the ONLY person who expects YOU to pay for your DH's financial obligations (including CS) is HIM.  The court won't.. the EX can't.

It honestly sounds like your DH can't hold up his end of your household expenses...much less his Ex's children.. much LESS.. his new baby. You have a dependent moocher on your hands.  

Now, you might be willing to accept that you will be the main supporter in your relationship.. that is YOUR choice.. your DH can contribute less to your house and your child (or nothing at all).. and as long as that still is fulfilling to YOU.. that is up to you to live like that.  BUT.. I would be damned if I would be prepared to support some AHOLE that wanted to divorce me because I didn't think I should have to pay his child support.. because it wouldn't leave me enough money to care for my own child.... while he lounges around "all disabled and such".

Chi123's picture

Exactly, I didnt care having to support us back when I was pregnant and told him Im doing it again and I chose that But yes no way in hell I would pay for 3 kids who arent mine

ndc's picture

This would be a moot point for me.  If my DH mentioned divorce because I didn't agree to do what he wanted (especially something as unreasonable as paying MY money to his ex for child support), he would have his divorce so quickly his head would spin.  And that divorce would certainly include a request for child support.  Sorry, but threatening or even mentioning divorce is not how one behaves in a marriage.  And it's one thing to pick up the slack for him in YOUR household; it's quite another to pick up the slack in his former household.  BM can do that.  Also, if the reason your DH can't pay CS to BM is because he can't work due to medical issues, he's not going to be thrown in jail, so don't even listen to that BS.  

Chi123's picture

If he goes forward with the divorce I will have no problem signing it. He cant take no for an answer and I will not be bent in ridiculous ways to keep a marriage that he will threaten to divorce if he dont get his way. I told him if divorce is his solution to this problem that he clearly isnt husband material running away like that. And yes i told him he wont be thrown in jail if we go to court for a modification if the amount is too high 

Petronella's picture

OP, is the amount of CS going to be based on what your husband expects to receive for disability? Or will it be based on his average earnings when he was working?

Chi123's picture

As of right now since his disability case is pending still we dont know what they will base it off. Im guessing from past work experience but we have to see what the judge rules 

Ispofacto's picture

Before I got to the point of your OP where you said DH wants a divorce, I was thinking you should divorce him.  If he's liable for support and not working, the court could come after you.

Then I got to the part where he said he wanted a divorce and thought, what a douche.


Ispofacto's picture

They can.  I've seen it happen.

Arrears are calculated by subtracting payments made from payments due. They can also be established for support due before the institution of an order, such as the time between the date your husband split from his ex and the date his obligation was decided. His balance may also include amounts for his share of child-related expenses, such as doctor copays, medicine or school expenses. If his arrears were adjudicated before you got married, his current order probably includes an extra amount to go towards back support. If he is current on monthly support and complying with the court order on arrears, your income may have no relevance at all. In some states, though, all marital income can be considered community property. Depending upon your state's laws on child support collection, your community property could be attached to pay down your husband's arrears.


thinkthrice's picture

wad of cash he was giving her without a CO.  They can go retroactive with that shit.  They consider it a "gift to BM" and will impute and go retroactive. 

And yes, they don't consider SM's  income formally however, they do think that if SM is paying living expenses, that frees up even MORE of biodad's income to pay CS so indirectly SMs are hit hardest.

Simpleton21's picture

OP, this man sounds like a real POS.  I understand that sometimes injuries and STD happen but to expect you to pay for his CS is ridiculous.  Accept the divorce.  I'm sure that was just a manipulative empty threat to make you feel bad for not taking care of his obligations.  

If I were you I would go ahead and file for divorce.  You will be better off just supporting yourself and your child and not this man child on top of it.  

Iamwoman's picture

Separate your bank account from DH's now, if you  have not already done so. With his attitude being the way it is (crappy), I wouldn't be surprised if he just took your money without asking.

Hell no, I would not pay CS for skids!

I helped out my DH through school for 7 years. During three of those years, he only worked during the summer so he could concentrate on his studies (ChemE is the hardest bachelors to obtain). One summer, he came two months short on CS.

The Maggot Queen simply did not get her CS until he was able to catch up and pay it back (which he did).

1. It is nobody's problem but hers if she is unable to budget and save.

2. I would highly recommend that BM's never rely on CS as a steady and predictable source of income (my own DD's father is $18,000 behind). BMs who see CS as reliable income are idiots, and it is not our job to supplement stupidity. BM in OP's case should have some savings for these types of emergencies. Everyone should be able to go a month or two in savings. It is stupid not to have this type of reserve.

3. THAT being said, YOU are NOT BMs or DH's "savings and loans bank."

4. If your DH wants a divorce because he can't dip his sticky, greedy fingers into your honey pot, then give him the divorce. He obviously cares more about money and more about his ex than he cares about you or his youngest child.

My exH thought that my money was his to spend away into oblivion. I could not stay married to a person with piss poor financial sense and disregard for his wife and my child. Even if he had not been ultimately abusive, I would have divorced him anyway.

Petronella's picture

You know what, this is a very good point. If the CS is late or short for a couple of months - SO EFFING WHAT. It's not the end of the world. It most certainly is not the SMs problem. If that CS really is the BMs only source of income, that's her stupidity and does not constitute an emergency. I have also helped my DH with his CS a couple of times, when he was short on money for a reason I understood. But if I hadn't had the money available, that would have been too damn bad and BM would have had to figure out something else. 

Simpleton21's picture

Yep, this, my DH is currently on STD for a neck surgery.  He goes back to work on the 21st (thank the Lord).  For the past few months we've only received 60% of his pay and had to be on a tight budget (especially with the holidays).  His CS wasn't automatically taken out of his STD checks like it is out of his normal pay.  He will be in arrears.  I wasn't going to continue paying the CS for him when we could barely make it on this reduced income.  My children need fed too.  Now he will be in arrears until he catches up.  

My ex (ODS's dad) owes me over 7k in arrears.  I have in no way held my breath waiting around for it or tried to take him to court over it.  It wouldn't do me any good to go to court for it.  Part of that time he was incacerated.  I got $15 from his prison job in a 2 year sentence.  I've just always made sure that I could live without CS.  If I depended on that CS I would be screwed!

ChzyBob20's picture

Instead of funding his court battle, pay for an excellent divorce attorney for yourself.

Do not pay for his financial and legal obligations. You will set a dangerous legal precedent!

TwelveLongYrs79's picture

Did the same thing, as in giving Skankula money off the record. Sometimes that works...but when dealing with a HCBM/GUBM it NEVER will come out in the fathers favor. Skankula got PO’d one day and went down and had it enforced. They consider it a “gift” and too bad, so sad. He ended up with a severely strict CS order bc it looked like he hadn’t paid for anything for his child for years. 

But even though we had a new baby and pinched every penny...even ended up having to move a k with my parents....never ever EVER did he once expect or even ask for me to help pay his CS. EVER. He worked every job he could to maintain us and his CS obligation even when he wasn’t going through the courts. 

Your DH is an @ss and quite frankly a loser, for ever CONSIDERING to ask you to do this, especially when YOU are the one keeping your household afloat. Tell him be should be careful what he wishes for bc he’ll emd up getting it! 

Chi123's picture

I plan to continue through if he does divorce and doesnt bother to fix things. What pisses me off more is that he told me months back I would never have to pay his child support and now all of a sudden he gets mad that I said no because he told in the first place Id never have to worry about it. BM can wait for CS because I will not make payments barely getting by. He still isnt talking to me and just claims I'm mean for not helping him with that to which I replied that theres no extra money and i surely will not take food out of my 6month olds mouth for 3 other kids. And it turned to another ordeal that theyre my stepkids who love me and it is for them. I told him we already give them food here i dont deny none of that but its not my responsibility nor am I their parent to pay for them

thinkthrice's picture

and RUN!! I was shocked when Chef, back in the early years, stated that he expected me to cover CS should he not be able to pay!  Hell . Red Flag!! He had a couple of periods where he was unemployed due to lay offs.