Skids on our wedding night?!?! (long rant)
SO and I really got into it last night, and I was so upset I broke down.
Our wedding is less than 4 months away so we've been talking a lot about it. I've been working a babysitter/nannyy for SS5 and SS4 on our actual wedding day. SD15 and SD12 are my bridesmaids, along with my 25 year old sister who is maid of honor. SS5 and SS4 are his groomsmen, along with my 23 year old brother. I love my skids, but I do not want to be babysitting them on my wedding day. It is hard enough wrangling 4 kids when I'm NOT getting married!
We talked 2 weeks ago and SO liked the idea of a sitter for the day. I am planning this wedding long distance (We live in NC, wedding is in PA where I'm from) so it hasn't been easy. This is my first (and hopefully only) wedding. I am not a bridezilla....I've been pretty chill about everything. I don't really care which flowers, I gave SD15 and SD12 a color and let them pick any dress in that color they want....we all went together and made a day of it. The one thing that is stressing me out is having to manage everything day of. I am not a good delegator....I tend to do everything myself. But I've made a point of making sure my wedding day is all about having fun, I do not want to be running around setting up flower arrangements or bargaining with SS5 to put on his tux.
Last night, SO mentioned "when we leave our reception to put the skids to bed" and I thought he was joking. "That's what we have a sitter for," I said.
SO: Yea of course we have a sitter, but we're going to go put the kids to bed.
CB: In the middle of our wedding reception? It goes until 11. We are going to leave at 8 and go back to the hotel and put them to bed?
SO: Yes, of course
CB: NO we are not. This is OUR day. They can be put to bed by a babysitter
SO: It will take 10 minutes
CB: No, it will take 10 minutes to get to the hotel, which we will likely have to be driven to. And you know your kids, getting them to bed and settled is at least a half hour, probably more after all the excitement. So we are going to miss an hour of our wedding reception to tuck people in?
SO: Yes, of course, it's only an hour.
At this point, I am fuming.
CB: For as much as we have paid for the band, the food, the photographer, I am going to enjoy every damn minute of it. This is our wedding night! We are not leaving the middle of it to put some fucking kids to bed!!!!
SO: They aren't "some fucking kids" they are MY kids. This is why I don't like you right now
CB: I give up everything for these kids constantly. I'm asking for ONE NIGHT where it is about me, ONE NIGHT where I am the center of your attention. ONE NIGHT where we can focus on us and not everyone else.
SO: Fine, YOU can stay at your party, *I* am going to be a parent
At this point, I accuse him of wanting to put on a show for our guests "Hey everyone look at me, I'm such a good dad, going to take the kids to bed!"
I told him to everyone it really look like "Hey everyone, look at me, I'm a shitty husband. Day one and I'm already putting my kids before my wife! I can't even give her one night!" and stormed out of the room sobbing.
He came in and apologized and said that if was this important to me, he would let the sitter do it. He started tearing up and talking about how he was worried about the kids taking the day hard. I told him the kids are 5 and 4. They talk about their mom's wedding all the time as a fun party where they got to wear vests....they don't understand the concept of marriage and a lifetime together as partners, but I do and he was alienating me. He kept saying "They are important, I want them to be a part of the day" THEY ARE!!! I have made sure of this from the very beginning.
It was MY idea to have all of the skids in the wedding party. I even "bridesmaid proposed" to SDs to be bridesmaids (presented them with engraved bangles and asked them to be my bridesmaids). I have handled everything about this wedding. I already have the search out for a nanny for the day and tons of fun planned for them (A trip to this AMAZING kids museum the please touch museum before the wedding). I've paid for SDs to have their hair and makeup professionally done (they have been looking on pinterest nonstop for ideas). The skids are a HUGE part of our lives and I have never once pushed that aside.
*I* am the one who manages our schedules. I am the one who does most of the communication with the BMs to coordinate scheduling. I am the one who picks up SDs so he doesn't have to leave work early. I am the one who made sure SDs got BM a Mother's Day gift, leaving work early to take them to the mall. I am the one who went to SD12's orchestra concert when SO unexpectedly was out of town AND remembered to bring a bouquet from both us AND BM. I am the one who takes SD15 and SD12 and their friends out of the house all day (on my dime) so SO can get some work done. I am the one who has been teaching SD15 to drive because SO is too busy and usually meets us wherever we are with a separate car.
I NEVER ask for anything in return. I was so hurt that when I ask for ONE thing for me, the answer wasn't automatically yes. I am so angry that I even have to fight to be with my husband the whole night on my wedding night.
Yes, he eventually caved, but the fact that that wasn't his first instinct was very hurtful. I know that kids come first, but there are times when it has to be your wife.
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Comments
It sounds like you have been
It sounds like you have been so unselfish that your SO has gotten spoiled. Maybe after you cool down you could sit down with him and explain that even though you put him and his kids first, HE has to put you first. Because somebody has to take care of YOU and if it isn't going to be him then you are going to have to put yourself first...and he and his kids are going to miss out on all the amazing things you do for them. It's all contingent on you feeling valued and first in your SO's life.
Excellent advice
Excellent advice Katielee.
CB, I don't know HOW you do all that you do. Sorry you're going through this!!
I totally agree! I messed up
I totally agree! I messed up on that one, and apologized immediately after I said it. I love the boys, I do, but I wouldn't leave my wedding reception for my own bios, let alone someone else's!
Yep I used the F work and
Yep I used the F work and then YOUR kids after it. Went over like a whore in church. I didn't really care though. They are HIS fucking kids! }:)
Leave your wedding reception
Leave your wedding reception to tuck the kids in?
WOW!
:jawdrop:
I too, got married, with 4 kids in tow. I did not leave to "tuck them in".
They were each assigned a grandparent. DH's parents took the boys, My parents took the girls.
I don't remember if they stayed till the end or not, I do remember them coming to get hugs and kisses before they left with Grandparents.
I'm also a COD, I distinctly remember hugging my mother goodbye and leaving her reception on her wedding day.
Monkey, I agree with you 100%
Monkey, I agree with you 100%
Huge wake up call to what OP is walking into
I'd be very curious to ask BM2 what life with BM1 kids was like.
CB I have to say, I agree
CB I have to say, I agree with monkey. He guilted and fought with you until you cried. He poutily caved and then STILL said how worried he was about his boys. No real empathy or understanding for your position.
Some renegotiating on your relationship is in order. Sounds like everyone is being taken care of very well except for CB.
Hugs.
agreed. I'd say RUN AWAY
agreed.
I'd say RUN AWAY FAST.
I get where you're coming
I get where you're coming from and can appreciate it, and respect your opinion. I was so pissed and upset because this is not like SO. He is not a Disney dad, he is actually a great dad. He works A LOT (exec at largest bank) but really is a great father. The girls have responsibilities at our house. They are kind and loving and respectful. I get along wonderfully with them and BM1. The boys live in Texas, so we visit them there. They are also sweet and loving. BM2 and I aren't friends but we are at the point where we are OK to sit together at sporting events, communicate via text with pictures and about plans, etc.I don't necessarily agree with her style of parenting, but she is a good mom and loves her kids.
I know some people on here have it really bad, with awful skids and BMs, but fortunately that is not my case. My skids are easy and we all do care for and love each other. I do a lot for the skids, especially the girls who live close, but I have a more flexible job working from home a lot. They are also appreciative.....they ALWAYS say thank you, and bring their own spending money. They are respectful, confide in me, and life is better with them in it. I even brought BM1 mother's day flowers and hung out for a bit chatting on the back porch the Friday before mother's day.
For the most part, we are a big happy family. The skids are excited for the wedding, and I'm excited to be a part of the family. Every once in a while SO has a brain fart and a little wave of daddy guilt comes up. Thankfully that is not the norm or the every day. Last night (post-fight), he cooked me a beautiful steak dinner and gave me a short backrub before having to run out and catch a plane to another city for work. For the most part he is a good and loving partner, a great father, and has raised intelligent, thoughtful, respectful skids. We have no dirty pad problems, no name calling, none of the nonsense many of you face. My heart aches for many of the women on here and what they have to put up with.
I know my rant makes SO sound like a crazy disney dad. In this instance, he was attempting to parent with guilt. I was more upset and surprised because that is NOT the norm with him. I can appreciate everyone's concerns, but I can assure you the positives far outweigh the negatives. We have our disagreements like every couple, but he really is a good dad with minimal BM issues and skid problems. I will be showing him many of your responses, especially those from bio parents who have remarried! Thank you all!
Thank god he does as he pays
Thank god he does as he pays over $5k in child support each month between the two BMs :jawdrop:
" I was more upset and
" I was more upset and surprised because that is NOT the norm with him. "
Then you need to find out where this was coming from. This is, at the very least, a YELLOW flag and you would be unwise to ignore and dismiss it as "not the norm". Post a poll asking how many women on here thought it wasn't the norm before getting married, only to find out that "before" and "after" marriage weren't quite the same?
You should be questioning with your DH why it happened AT ALL - and if he can't give you a satisfactory answer other than "brain fart", I would put some serious thought into postponing things....
Nobody here that has it bad
Nobody here that has it bad married into it with that being the norm. They all I'm sure had red flags like this that 'weren't the norm' & they went ahead thinking it was just a fluke.
And this is why my Skids are
And this is why my Skids are not invited to my wedding. It's just going to be me and SO. Even if they were well behaved (and zero chance of that happening with my SS) it will have to be all about the poor COD instead of the couple getting married.
LOL yes please! I can do
LOL yes please! I can do this Thursday. I'm in London all next week with SO. I am also pretty open the week of May 25th
One thought on this. Make
One thought on this.
Make very sure that the skids know that they are going to be put to bed by someone else. Maybe do some practice sessions?
A friend of mine got married recently to a guy with a little girl (circa 6). It had been arranged that her grandparents would put her to bed and then a sitter would stay with her until they left the reception (venue was a hotel so no travel time).
On the day the little girl went nuts when her grandparents tried to take her to bed so the groom had to do it. He left the reception for about an hour to get her down to sleep.
You are right CB. When DH and
You are right CB.
When DH and I got married SS were 10 and 6. DH had SS's as his groomsmen and YES he bribed them. IF they were good during the ceremony (which they were) SS10 got as much mountain dew as he wanted and SS6 got a bag of candy of his choice.
We put DH's parents in charge of SSons after the ceremony. We had a destination wedding and as a thank you paid for my in-laws hotel room. DH didn't tuck them in but he did spend time hanging out with them during the reception.
I also carved out some alone time for DH and I during the day too. After the ceremony we did pictures with family at the church. Then DH and I left with the photographer for an hour and did pictures alone at another location before the reception. It was the best part of our wedding day.
The skids will be fine without being tucked in.
~BettyRay
Shoot, and I was mad that DH
Shoot, and I was mad that DH needed to get up super early the day after our wedding to take his adult kids to the airport. It really was a precursor to how he expected to take care of his kids first. We've worked it out over the years, but there were some terrible times between us.
Be very careful. Examine your role with his kids, his expectations for you as SM, and where you fit in his life. It sounds way out of whack to me. Who is taking care of YOU, and are you getting what YOU need?
I do not get these men acting
I do not get these men acting like this. Hey, new flash daaaadddddyyyyssss, YOUR KIDS WILL NOT DIE if someone else puts them to bed, If they do not hear your voice for a day. Your wife is for the rest of your life and the kids are but a season. Get your heads out of your kids asses and start showing your wife a little respect, love and devotion. Good God almighty!
Can I post this somewhere that the whole effing world will see??????
I agree with everyone on here
I agree with everyone on here saying this is a huge red flag. If you don't run you need to at least sit your future DH down before the wedding when you are not upset and have a serious heart to heart about where you come in his life. No, you may not think you need to come first all the time but you do need to come first sometime, most of the time really but on important occasions, important decisions, you need to make sure he is on the same page with you as being your equal and not the kids.
This is the rest of your life you are talking about, believe me this is a big red flag on where you are in his thought process, you need to get the boundaries and expectations discussed before you say I do.
I agree huge red flags. I
I agree huge red flags. I also think You are doing too much for children that are not yours. I hope you take some of the advice here and have a serious heart to heart with your FDH.
If you decide to make a last minute runner... I am in Philly. we'll go for drinks.
Um. Are you SURE you want to
Um.
Are you SURE you want to marry this guy?
I'm sorry but he's being a dick about your wedding reception, which should be a HUGE event in your life. I can see it coming that your birthday, anniversary, holidays, etc are ALL going to be dominated by skids forever.
My DH is not a Guilty or
My DH is not a Guilty or Disney Daddy but that doesn't mean he doesn't show those tendencies at times. I am not going to comment about the color of flag that might raise to people.
However, just to let you know that he should be kissing your feet that you are even making the skids part of the day at all. How many skids were at our wedding? None. Not even my own bio son.
Hire a clown
No, wait. I mean it. When I remarried, there were 5 total kiddos combined. They got their own table and own food at the reception, little gifts at their plates to keep them happy during grown up toasts, etc., and I hired a clown. Face painting, balloon animals, all of that. You might be leaving on a honeymoon, but I thought the best message was NOT "and now that we have a new dad, I'm leaving you" so I rented them a huge fancy hotel room in our same hotel, put them in there with aunties, we took our room, and we saw them at breakfast. We got them home, settled them into their routines with their Bio Parents, and off we went. You are allowed that time. You are.