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Cat1234's picture

Submitted by Cat1234 on Thu, 03/18/2010 - 12:54pm

Okay, so unlike many of you, my situation is a little bit different. I know this web is for SM and SD but it was the only one that I could relate to. I am a female that is in a relationship with a mother of "our kids" she is the biological mother and we have been through it all together. Thing is, I cannot accept "our son's" behavior. Like many of you, although we were in this together I feel like I have no say at all in how "we" bring them up. He is whiny, rude, loud, unshameful, lazy, and has many of the same behaviors that you are describing. Because SHE is their MOTHER i have to suck it up. Keep in mind he is with me a lot of the time that she is not around and his behavior embarrases me. I am to the point that I am ready to let this 10 year relationship end because I cannot stand the way he acts and the way his mother allows him to. He is 8 and acts like he is 4....i cannot stand it anymore and it is driving me crazy. i adore his mother but i don't think things will ever change and I do not think that i can ignore this to be with the person i love.
Any advice??????????????

Comments

Amazed's picture

Submitted by Amazed on Thu, 03/18/2010 - 1:02pm

When you said, "he's 8" that kinda explained it ALL for me:) My son is 7 and mostly he's a good boy but then there are other times when I am ashamed to know him in public. Boys sometimes go through that baby stage where they seem to revert back to earlier times in their life. It's hard to take. I sincerely hope you don't abandon your partner of 10years over one of her children...I think that would be so traumatic for all involved...for you, the children,and your partner.

Maybe talk to the guidance person at his school and see if they can have some in school sessions with the boy about his issues? Hang in there honey ((((((((Cat))))))))

_______________________________________________________________________________
"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."

"Never let the hand you hold, hold you down." ~Aut

Moon Child Step Mom's picture

Submitted by Moon Child Step Mom on Thu, 03/18/2010 - 1:06pm

Have you tried talking with her (your partner) about this...?
Really asked her point blank, “If these are truly OUR kids, why don’t I have a say in how they’re being raised / disciplined?”

I know that in our situation the skids have been taught to show the same kind of respect and obedience to all three of their parents! And for the most part they do… though they know they can get away with more at their mothers house! I don’t know what it is with most BM’s letting their kids do whatever they like after a divorce… I think it’s something to do with being the “nice parent”, or “good cop”. If your partner wants that roll you’d better explain that she better let you be the heavy (bad cop) in the situation or else you’re both going to have one large brat on your hands.

Don’t give up on love darling… just balls up and crack some ass!

stepmasochist's picture

Submitted by stepmasochist on Thu, 03/18/2010 - 1:07pm

Are you an adoptive parent? If not, why not? It sounds like you both decided as a couple to have kids. So they should be as much yours (legally) as they are hers. Especially after 8 years with them. Do they know their bio-dad?

Anyway, if you can't get her to see that you're not a backseat partner in parenting, your only other option is to disengage. You say that your son is with you a lot of the time. It sounds like you handle a big part of the caregiving for him. If she doesn't give you a fair share of the raising him (i.e. doing something about his behavior and slow developmental status), you're nothing more than a glorified babysitter. Stop babysitting. Either the two of you come to a compromise about the issues you feel need to be addressed regarding "our kids" or they can become entirely "her responsiblity".

That's all you've got and all any of us second-class parents have.

New at this's picture

Submitted by New at this on Thu, 03/18/2010 - 1:13pm

Cat - I want to start by saying YOU BELONG HER JUST AS MUCH AS ANY OF US! You are a SM (like it or not) regardless of your sexual orientation! You don't even have to disclose or tell us why you belong! Not saying that's what you are doing, but just opening my arms!

I think age has a LOT to do with the issues. And I agree that sexual orientation may play some part in it, but it's more likely to be the pattern of how he has been raised. I've read studies where it has shown that by age 10, the person is developed. The internal part anyway, is already molded by their home life and parental choices. You still have some hope! Plus with teenage years ahead (I have a SD of my own) you have a lot to come. Best to sit down with the mother - heart to heart - and explain your feelings about it all. If you make logical sense and draw the conclusions for her about the things you feel need to change, than that's all you can do. At that point I would say you've given your all, and without her compromising (as all of us Stepparents do) than the relationship is doomed to fail. I see it also being challenging with two women in the house, because in any situation, there is always an internal battle (whether small or large) over the alpha female/male in the house. On the other side, as women, you should be able to have a better sense of each others emotions (unlike men/women sometimes) and by talking it out, I would think it would help.

Oh, and no " " required - they ARE your kids. You are the SM and they are the Skids! Smile This could be a bad thing or good thing depending on how you look at it! LOL

Look forward to blogging with you Smile