You are here

SS10 On My Nerves

CastleJJ's picture

Bare with me, this is definitely a vent. So SS10 has been back since Saturday. He is on my last nerves. I understand that SS is entering those dreaded tween years and he has his own identity, but damn is he annoying! 

SS showed up to our house with a gold "Jesus" ring, two 12 pound weights, 3 pairs of gym shorts, and his perfume covered stuffed animal. He won't take the ring off, but almost lost it twice and had a meltdown. DH told him if he loses it, it's on him and we will not be replacing it. DH made him wash the shorts because they wreaked of BM's perfume and he was wearing that stench all over the house. I told SS that he had clothes here but he said he doesn't like any of our clothes for him - he only wants Nike or Adidas basketball shorts. I explained to SS that there are circumstances where gym shorts aren't appropriate, which is why he has nice shorts and gym shorts. He dismissed it and continues to wear the same 3 pairs of shorts he brought with him. And then there is his music. He will only listen to clean rap and BM's emotional breakup songs. It's so annoying to hear this all the time, which he streams through the Alexa while doing literally everything. 

Yesterday, he was sitting in his room bored. He came downstairs while I was working and told me he was bored. I told him that he had a variety of toys in his room and to find something to do. He argued that he couldn't. I took him upstairs, pulled out the drawer with his Legos, the drawer with his hot wheels, the drawer with his craft supplies, etc. and told him to get busy. He pulled out a wooden mobile craft and started working. While putting laundry away last night, I found the finished mobile, painted in rainbow and pastel colors representing the pride and non-binary flag with BM and GF's names at the top. Why is it, when he comes here, all he can think about is BM and GF? Never tries to make us anything, never does anything nice for us, but he is constantly making stuff for BM and GF or buying souvenirs for them. And I'm so sick of hearing about BM and GF constantly. 

And he is so rude and entitled. He told us this morning that his football team all bullies each other and that his coaches swear at them nonstop, dropping f bombs and screaming. What a wonderful environment for a child to be raised in. That has shaped everything for SS. All he can talk about is how much he loves football, how awesome he is, and how everyone else is a loser. DH and I had conversations with him about sportsmanship and humility. I swear it went in one ear and out the other. But he is becoming BM so not much we can do. 

I swear that we are nothing to this kid and we cant even control this kid in our home. I know he says he cares about us, but his actions are always contradicting. Like he wants to be here, but only when he is entertained or promised fun trips. He is always arguing with us and "well Mom/GF does it this way." DH and I were considering going to Florida for spring break next year and taking SS, but now I think we will go the week before or after SS arrives, since I'm not going to reward this kid for his half-assed participation in our lives. I'm just over it. I told DH that he needs to figure something out because I will not continue to have SS home with me if he can't straighten up. 

Comments

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

I totally understand on the whole bored and constantly need to be entertained part. 

I would also schedule the trip to Flordia without him so you can enjoy the time with DD without the constant battle. I also agree on not rewarding shit behavior. Does SS have any sort of activities while he is home with you? I know it isn't all the summer weeks in a row so that can make it tough, but even having SD in tutoring for 2 hours twice a week really helps. The other 3 days she isn't here so that definitely helps, but even on the shorter days it is good for both her and I to have an activity outside of the house. 

I hope for your sake he doesn't grow up like my DH's best friend and only want masculine things and anything else is wrong for a man to do and makes them not a man or tough. We are slowly distancing ourselves from him because the older he has gotten the worse all of that has become and if he follows down the path he is going right now, will invite some of that chaos in our lives that neither DH or I want to be anywhere near. His mom I would say unfortunately is a huge part to blame on how he is now. She is a sweet woman, but something was lacking there.

CastleJJ's picture

Most camps in our state don't start until July because school doesn't get out until mid-June here. SS has been out of school since May and he had already been here and left by the time school quit. So unfortunately, he is glued to our hips for two two week blocks each summer. Luckily, I have been having him play with his one friend here several days, so that has been helpful to keep him out of my hair.  

It's not even that SS only like masculine things. He is being raised by two women. It's just the entitlement and the need to always be the best or be right. Its the constant bartering. I think BM treats him like an equal or an adult, so he doesnt respect authority. You tell him it is time for bed or ask him to do anything and he asks why. Plus, we have nothing in common with SS because he is a mini BM so it's annoying to be around. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

SD ended school towards end of May and so when she came for summer, we had one full week she was home with me before her camp started since they just got out of school and same for her tutor. That is good that he has a friend he can play with.

Ah yeah, the question why when being told what to do something is not acceptable. It seems SD tells adults what to do when at BMs and she tries sometimes and we remind her she doesn't tell us or other adults what to do. Totally frustrating!

advice.only2's picture

Yeah pre-teen years suck!!  Especially when it’s not your kid and they worship at the altar of their mother.  Sadly he’s just going to get worse these next few years are going to be hell.  My BS was a bitchier pre-teen than Spawn or my BD16.  Thankfully once they reach teenager (16-19) they seem to level off.  But seeing as this kid is being hard PASed by BM I doubt he will get more likeable.  Maybe going forward if things continue to devolve your DH can visit with him outside the home in smaller increments.

CastleJJ's picture

We live long distance so that would require DH to travel to BM's for visits, which he refuses to do because BM loves to use those out-of-town visits for control and makes DH jumps through hoops while out of town to see SS. I think we may just reach a point where SS doesn't visit anymore or we have to tell him to either straighten up or not visit anymore. 

Survivingstephell's picture

Every time some one is bored in my house I suggest a nasty chore to do. It's amazing how unbored they suddenly are!    A bored kid WILL find something to do if given enough time and keep those limits in place so they aren't destructive or on the screen all day.  If they want screen time make them research something and report back what they learned at dinner.   Make them earn screen time.   Choose those chores that 1 they can do and two, you hate.  Explain that if the half ass it they will do it until it's done to your satisfaction.   
 

It's a choice to remain bored.  

CastleJJ's picture

We do the limited screen time already. He gets 1 hour of screen time per day. He can do two 30 minute increments or all at once. If he does chores, he earns an extra 15 minutes per day. He can use the extra 15 minutes daily or save them up over a few days. 

I told him if he was bored, he could go into the yard and scoop up rocks, since we are in the process of installing sod and need rocks collected. He found something to do real quick. I'm just not used to boredom - I was rarely bored as a kid. I always found something to do and could play independently on my own. 

MissK03's picture

I get it. 

These kids can't do that now. I'm sure there are still some out there that can but I feel most of them NEED something.

SD15 kind of pissed me off the other day because we were talking about our vacation we took to Mexico this past November and she said how she got "bored." She was extremely needed of me most of the time. We were with mutiple people too including two kids who she's known she's was born and the boys.. so not alone. 

I know.. it must have been terrible be at an all inclusive resort with the 85 degree air and water. Life is rough!! **EYE ROLL** I didn't get any vacations as a kid my mom didn't have money like that and my father wasn't around much during that time. So it really frustrates me when they have NO IDEA how lucky they are.. 

I DID say to her though that she doesn't know how to "relax" and enjoy your surroundings. 

Rags's picture

Throw the shorts away and tell him he wears decent clothes when visiting dad.

Wash the stuffed animal.  If he re-stenchifies it, keep washing it. Until it is nothing but a giant wad of fluff.

"When you are here BM and GF's rules and what goes on in their home does not matter.  Feel free to talk about your life and what you do, but... do not talk about your mother and her GF.  Your dad and I are interested in your life, not theirs"

Lather, rinse, repeat.

To minize the BM/GF focus, put him in day camp all day everyday. When he comes home in the evening keep his comments focused on what he did that day.  Bury him in activity and in constant guidance and oversight to purge his crap, refernces to BM's, etc, etc, etc....   Outsourcing keeping him swamped in activities also gets him out of your home for much of each day over the summer.

Winterglow's picture

All this macho guff makes me think that BM and GF are pumping up his ego, telling him he's the "man of the house" and he's drinking it in.

Bad

CastleJJ's picture

GF told him yesterday during their phone call that GF is "scared" to be home overnight alone since BM works nights and SS isn't there as the "protector of the house." 

Winterglow's picture

Good grief! What utter shite to feed a 10 yo! Tell her to buy a big dog. Or see a new therapist.

CastleJJ's picture

LOL they have two huge dogs and GF is former law enforcement and a gun is present in the home... I think she will be fine until BM gets home at 2 am.

Rags's picture

Having to be the man of the family with these two shit shows as the supposed adults.

Diablo

TheAccidentalSM's picture

"Only boring people are bored".

On him being a pain about football and bullying, you could ask him how does all this toxic masculine behaviour align with the inclusive values of Pride/LGBTQI rights that BM and GF teach him.

dragonfly878's picture

^^^^^^ YES.

"Boring people get bored- figure it out." ... look him dead in the eyes and say that- then just look away and move onto something else...

I'd also wash everything the moment he walks into the house- straight up tell him that his closes smell like a brothel and that they need to be cleaned.