Spoiling Santa
I am trying to keep a level head about this and not blame BM but I partially can't help myself. We did not have a Christmas (or any holiday for that matter) with SS9 until he was 7. BM always made excuses for why she needed to have him for the holidays or offered DH the time and then cancelled day of. Because their CO was established in mediation and not court, BM really abused DH into keeping the order vague, so holidays were never addressed, technically giving BM all holidays. When BM moved out of state in 2017, a new CO, which was created in 2018, gave DH every other Christmas break, with BM of course getting the first Christmas break, giving her another consecutive year of Christmas. When we took BM to court in Fall 2019, we motioned to split Christmas break in half, alternating halves annually, to ensure everyone saw SS at or around Christmas. BM was not in agreement about splitting the break and appealed the motion, requesting to have alternating breaks as originally ordered. The judge ordered the split, stating it was normal to split the break and alternate the halves. We had already booked a Disney vacation with SS prior to taking BM to court, so the judge gave us the full Christmas break in 2019, but then gave BM the full Christmas break in 2020 to make up for the time lost since we were technically supposed to split per the new CO. We took SS to Disney for Christmas in 2019 and had a really wonderful time. BM then exercised the entire Christmas break in 2020.
So this year we begin the split and we are supposed to have the first half of Christmas break. This will be only the second Christmas that we have ever had with SS. Today, BM emails DH and says that SS began asking questions about Santa and BM and GF had the difficult conversation with SS that Santa isn't real. BM said that SS' friends already knew and she figured "it was the right time." I know that SS is at an age where it is normal to discover that Santa isn't real, but it seems really convenient that this is only his second Christmas with us and BM figured now was "the right time" to tell him. Whether it was vindictive or not, I can't help but be irritated with BM a bit. DH is bummed too, since he only had one Christmas to do all the Santa stuff with SS, where BM had 8.
DH and I had our baby shower today. It was a lovely day. I keep trying to remind myself that we will have all of these experiences with our daughter that were lost opportunities with SS. I keep trying to remind myself that Santa will exist in our home for many years to come.
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Your BM is one of the worst.
Your BM is one of the worst. I agree with you, she did this because SS will be with you for part of Christmas. I doubt he started asking questions about Santa. My parents continued to give my sister and I "santa presents" for several years even after we knew the truth. Maybe you and DH can figure out some way to still include Santa when it comes to presents.
My Mom has a book that talks
My Mom did the same. We had some gifts still wrapped from "Santa" and others from "Mom and Dad." My Mom has a book that talks about the history of St. Nick, so we are going to talk to SS about that and about the spirit of giving, that Santa is more of a concept than a large, white bearded, jolly person.
That's just so cold hearted.
That's just so cold hearted. You don't decide for a kid, you wait until they ask or figure it out. I'm sorry, that would make me sad too.
According to BM, SS was
According to BM, SS was asking questions. Her email was very vague so I don't know what that means. I can't tell if SS was on the verge of figuring it out himself or BM just told him. Either way, it's still sad.
Do Not trust BM with her email
If your DH does facetime calls, have him ask SS if he's made out his wish list for Santa, then see what SS says. It's possible that BM is trying to have it where you have no presents from Santa under your tree. BM wants you guys to be the bad guys for having nothing from Santa at your house. If SS states that there is no Santa, then you know that BM has been an evil B*tch and told SS.
Or if asking that question
Or if asking that question would cause a sh*tstorm, set aside some of his presents and hide them in your room, OP. If he gets disappointed that Santa didn't come on Christmas, sneak them under the tree later or say Santa left them in your room by mistake. If he doesn't seem upset or ask, you can say you forgot about those gifts in your room.
New tradition: help SS be
New tradition: help SS be Santa for other kids at Christmas. Adopt a kid or family for Christmas, have him write a letter "from Santa" for the kids, etc. Then at future Christmases with his sister, he can help pick out one of her gifts or help eat the cookies or whatever.
When I found out Santa wasn't real, my siblings were still very much the age of believing in Santa, so my parents let me be their "Santa helper". I got to help eat the cookies and set out the gifts. It took the sting out of finding out while also making me feel special/like a big kid. When my youngest sibling found out Santa wasn't real, we all just made and ate the Santa cookies together and helped Mom wrap each other's presents.
You can make this a new and different tradition that BM can't take away.
This is what we plan to do.
This is what we plan to do. My mom did this with me when I found out but my little brother still believed. It made it really fun for me still.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yes,_Virginia,_there_is_a_Santa_Claus
It is really sad that your DH
It is really sad that your DH won't get to experience that more than once. And if BM went out of her way to tell him without prompting, then she's just vile. But I do think around this age kids start to talk to each other and if a classmate knows they're pretty likely to tell everyone. So hopefully he really was piecing it together and it was just the natural progression of growing up. There are still so many ways to make Christmas special.
Last year, when DD was in first grade, she started to ask a lot of questions about the "how" of it all. After this happened a few days in a row, I realized that I really did not like how it felt to be doing verbal gymnsatics to essentially gaslight and lie to her. Her intuition was obviously telling her something was up and I didn't want to squash that. So I told her the truth and explained that the reason we'd all collaborated to keep her belief alive was because it was such a special and joyful thing that people only get to experience for a very short period of time in their lives. I also told her that it would be terribly unkind to ruin it for anyone else, and that if she knows other kids who still believe she should just be happy for them that they still have that and remember it's not her place to tell them 'the truth.' So we started some new traditions, including buying santa gifts for foster kids, and she actually has more fun with that than she ever did getting her own gifts. It's bittersweet to see her grow up, but I think it must have just been the right time to close the santa chapter.