We always recommend this but I really think you would benefit from individual therapy.   Sometimes when we are in these seemingly hopeless situations, an outsider can truly see things we can"t.

I really feel for you, CastleJJ, you've been thru a lot with the BM/GF situation, the birth of DD, your mom and the disconnect with DH.  Its a lot.  I also think you need a new OB.

I know you're busy but carve out the time to find a good therapist.  It can change your life, it changed mine.  Good luck, Dear.

My formerly unshakable world has cracked a bit over the past couple of days.  I hit a point where my DW's insistance on punishing herself by embracing the feelings of guilt she has for leaving her 4.5yr toxic work environment was beyond me to not say something about in an effort to get her to not go repeatedly down a spiral of how crappy her life is, ...... Bad move Rags.

It isn't crapy. She lives a magnificent life. We both do. Together... For some reason she is recycling to punish herself on a decision that she clearly has stated was the right one.

I don't get it. But, neither my DW, nor you, are crazy.

Give it time, talk to someone, you are a new mom, working from home and isolated.  You are fighting still with the narcissistic mother you  been fighting your whole life, and have kept in her place for a very long time. Forgive yourself, be your best you, live your best life, you will find the CastleJJ you want to be again.

So will my brilliant bride.

I just hope it is soon, for you, for her, and for me.

Take care. 

Have you tried to communicate this to DH? Like as respectfully as possible but without pulling any punches. The biggest issue I can see here is communication breakdown which leads to resentment.  We're not talking about how many loads of washing you did today but just getting on the same page with DH about how you're struggling. I went through the same thing after DD's birth where I was struggling but I didn't voice properly. I was just angry. Thinking that maybe I shouldn't say anything because it wasn't a big deal right? But the thing is, if it's getting to the point where one person is thinking about leaving then what do you have to lose by putting it all on the table? 

That part about your mom- I could have written that, word for word, about mine too. I started with her watching my DD3 but I said screw it and put her into daycare. My job has a childcare tax credit that I take advantage of- and we live VERY minimalistic (no tv, no extras) but she's in daycare FT. I couldn't do it with my mom. Even if eliminating TV allows you to send your DD to daycare part time- it would create some distance with your mom.

Plus- when DH and I got rid of our tvs and that bill to pay- it saved us for blindly staring at a screen and helps us interact. We still have Netflix and computers- but that's about it. 

I feel for you.

Juggling a small child, full-time work, and steplife is enough to make anyone go crazy. The one thing i recommend is to do whatever you can to stop depending on your mom. Life is too short to deal with that toxicity. Meal prep, cancelling cable, anything you can do.

Regarding feeling like roommates, I do think some of that is normal following the birth of a child. Your life has changed and being a parent (especially a mother) can be exhausting. We just had baby #2 and DH complains all the time that I don't give him any attention, but honestly, I'm so tapped out over everything that I don't have space for that. We both know that things will change once we all get on to a schedule. And OBs are typically not helpful with much, in my opinion anyway. I recently had the standard screening for post partum depression and I swear she adjusted my score to make it fit into the normal range. I think I might have mild PPD, but got the impression that my OB was not interested in discussing further. 

I'm having struggles with my mom that are different than yours, but still, it just adds another element of "mental load" that you have to manage and that is exhausting. 

Your DH should look for a new job. He has a young family right now, which means he can't travel for work. I used to travel for work and have seen some opportunities that look interesting to me, but they require travel and with two young kids and a very limited support network where we currently live that is just not in the cards for me right now. It stinks, but it's reality. 

Your husband is being selfish - full stop. He is putting his work social life above his family and your mental well being? Really? You have sacrificed for him - steplife BS - and he's going to be like this? Really?

I don't have all the answers, but I do know you should spend limited time in "wasting life situations"  - you only have one and your only regrets will come from not doing things that make you happy. Do not let yourself be miserable in order to "not make waves". Either it can be fixed as a team - or you have to move forward to fix it yourself. In my experience, fixing it yourself can make you slightly more uncomfortable in the short term while you pull it together but after that - MUCH better. 

Now, I am not advocating up and leaving your husband - yet plodding along forever in a manner that only works for him should not happen either. Time for him to grow up and act like a family man and make decisions on what is BEST FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY instead of only doing what he wants to do for his social life.

Not saying that we should settle for anything in life but I do feel like marriage has phases. It is about choosing each other even when it seems like you are living with a roommate. 

It is had in those first years of parenthood. Your babies are your world and besides your home and work there is nothing else. There isn't much to talk about. 

If you feel comfortable, I really suggest getting away- just the 2 of you and work on reconnecting. 

One of the things I really appreciate about my husband is that he puts in the effort to make sure that we never go more than 2 weeks (as long as he isn't deployed or underway obviously) without at least a date night, and we really take a night or weekend away about every other month. We try not to talk about kids or work. We talk about world events, our pasts, our dreams for future us- but none of the monotony that weighs us down day to day. 

Everyone has addressed your mom and DH's work situation and given good advice. The hard part is it requires action on his part for some of it to change, and I really hope he takes you seriously and explores options. 

Aside from that, you and DH are in a rut. There are big issues contributing to that for sure, which is going to take work to fix- but I think you should also take steps to get out of the roommate phase. One small piece of advice I would add Is: The thing that makes couples feel the closest and have a sense of being connected is doing new things together. Experiencing something new, as a couple...having an adventure, if you will. It may seem small, but I would plan something for just the 2 of you that is exciting and a new experience. It may require getting a babysitter, spending $ that you would rather not spend, but not much more is important than getting back to a place of happiness with your partner. And I work from home also, I know how tedious life can get being in the same old routine. I love WFH, but it also has some drawbacks. You need to put in that work to stay connected to your spouse. I feel the most connected to DH when we have something to look forward to and are excited about something together. 

Hugs. 

You have a good grasp of your situation! But you can’t see the forest for the trees.  Writing out (journaling) your situation is especially important and helpful.  I believe you already know your problems (the trees) and no one needs to tell you what they are.  What you need is someone who can guide you to see the whole FOREST and then come up with an action plan.  Or you can teach yourself that skill which would be better. 

You said your mother was narcissistic.  Do you think your husband is too? What similarities do they have in common? 

Your husband – what are his bad qualities – can you see where he contributed to his divorce?

I will say, we can only change ourselves.  We cannot change others.  You have already spoken your concerns to your husband and as a result – it’s the same old, same old.  So, now you need to work on someone who you can profoundly change – Yourself.  Since your husband refuses to change – okay, now what are you going to do?

If you leave the marriage – can your husband survive without you?  I don’t mean, can he stay at the same level of luxury that you two live at now.  Can he survive without you? 

If he can’t – ask yourself this question – If not, what is enabling him to continue being able to NOT support himself?

Next, ask yourself – can you survive without your husband’s income?  If your husband is dead weight – why are you staying? 

My Backstory

My mother was the hardest working woman I ever saw.  My mother, wanting stability, married my father because she thought he was stable.  Unfortunately, what my mother thought was stability on my father’s part was (just) my father working to support his gambling addiction (his first and only love)!  My father married my mother (his personal servant) because she worked full-time, managed the house, raised the kids, and cooked home cooked meals.  All he had to do was show up.  He also had all his friends at work or at the race track, where he gave all his money to.   When I said, my sperm donor treated my mother NOT as an equal or spouse but he treated her as a literal servant.

My father (a grown ass man) would brag to his slaves (I mean his wife and children) about how much fun he had with his work friends; I remember him telling us once that he and his work friends went to the circus.  My eight-year-old self said, “Dad, I want to go see the circus too. Will you take me?”

“No! Why would I take you to the circus when I already went?”  This one sentence speaks volumes!

My sister grew up to despise our father because of how he treated us.  My mother also hated him – but she kept him around because she was so co-dependent. You are already in the process of hating your husband!  My mother and father sat on the couch - not talking.  They lived as room mates - I mean The LORD and the serf. 

Unfortunately, she worked herself into an early grave for this man who couldn’t care less for her.  I married late in life because I didn’t want to marry a man like my father.

Back to you – you are telling yourself right now that this is my story – it ain’t yours! But really – isn’t it?

You have a daughter.  Children are very preceptive and know more about what’s going on than we think.  You need to change yourself, if not for you – do it for your daughter.  

My mother reached a point where she had made too many poor choices and not enough good ones – her last fifteen years were hell on earth and she had to depend on a man who didn’t love or care for her.  I spent thirteen years trapped – I had to take care of her.  That’s what my father was banking on – he used me (not my sister because she was too smart) as a surrogate wife – to take care of his sorry ass late in his life.  If I had it all to do over – I would have left home at 18 and not looked back.  But, my parents (both my father and mother) had groomed me to be co-dependent.  Time and distance, GOOD CHOICES, and therapy, lots of therapy – that’s the answer!

By your husband’s inactions, he is showing you his true feelings for you.  You can not change this man in any shape, form, and way!  If I could go back in time when my mother had had me and my sister, I would have told her to ONLY take care of herself and us – NOT let my sperm donor  free load off of her – suck her dry and then throw her away when she was an empty shell of a woman.

If you need motivation to change the situation – to change yourself - if not for yourself - do it for your daughter!

What you said:

• We have very little to talk about and very little in common. Intimacy is non-existent and honestly….
• DH could be making double, if not triple, what he makes, but is choosing not to seek another job due to "workplace culture" and LOVING HIS COWORKERS. DH also doesn't want a fully remote job because he "NEEDS THE SOCIAL," yet I work fully remote because it works best for our family.
• DH dropped the bomb recently that he is expected to travel for work now - like two to three travel days/OVERNIGHTS per week, essentially eliminating his once hybrid role.

After reading your post -several times, I am wondering if your DH has a ‘LOVE INTEREST’ at his place of employment.

Honeymoon

Settling in

Roommate (pretty difficult- usually accompanied by child rearing)

Empty nest (accompanied by menopause)

Golden Age

ALL relationships go through these phases no matter who you are with.   Men have egos that need to be fed.   That may be old fashioned but it is true.  They need to be admired and respected.  Women need to be admired as well as some romance.   Your spouse's personality will determine how this will go.    Steplife just makes it that more complex.   And it is difficult with a spouse that does not accept blame easily yet has high expectations for others. 

I can sympathize with your situation for sure.  Right now, my DH is actually working a part time job that allows him to turn down the work if it doesn't fit with our plans.. I am in a very different place with my company with a lot of time off and we are close to retirement. For a variety of reasons.. my DH's work history has been a bit all over the board.. he works a job that almost always requires him to be gone.. like full time gone for long stretches.. or he was working at his own businesses.. that have had their own struggles (like being put out of business by a change in some licensing that was not predictable.. or by economic issues.. again.. not predictable.. and harder to weather when your business is runnign closer to the bone).  Fortunately, we didn't have kids to worry about.. other than his two DD's.. and his CS was actually not all that horrible.. to the point where i would pay it if he didn't have it.. because it was a better bet than letting his EX try to go to court and have it changed to something more.).  And.. he is a few years older than me.. and pretty much close to an early retirement age.. so my preference is to have him home.. vs out of the house all the time.  so it's a deal with the devil I guess.

But.. when you are the one busting your tail.. workign full time.. probably also doing the majority of the "baby" duty.. while he stays firmly entrenched in his own "safe space".. because going out and doing a different job elsewhere could be hard.. and uncomfortable... yeah.. it sucks.. and on top of that.. you are well into things.. stuff isn't "new" and you have fallen into the pace of just living/coexisting.. and unless one of you makes a concerted effort to make a change.. it won't...it will just continue status quo.

I do wonder if he has tendencies that attracted him to IT.. that might make him more socially inept.. worry about fitting in elsewhere..?

I do think a few things should be happening.

1.  The financial stability.. home are great!.. but apparently YOU are the one making this happen.  You need to discuss this with stuff written down for him in black and white.  Honey.. it costs 4,000 a month to pay for us to live.. I am paying 3500.. you are paying 500.  You know you could earn more.. but want to be comfortable.. but now your job is going to become an even bigger issues due to child care.  It's not fair to me to be the one carrying all the weight.. Please tell me what you think you can do to make this situation better.

2.  As for the nightly reading of phones (hands up guilty here.. lol.. ).  It might take you proactively planning or arranging activity to develop interests outside of tiktok (or whatever he is looking at.. haha).

I mean.. yeah.. dude nice you are in your little comfy work cave with your buds.. and work doesn't seem so worky for you.  But I'm over here holding the world on my shoulders.. and at this point.. the BENEFIT of being in a relationship with  you is starting to be a little lost on me.. I could be doing as well.. on my own.. 

Your description sounds like what DH and I were for YEARS....I was doing everything, DH was checked out with work and other stuff because he couldn't deal with the chaos he brought to our lives.  I became controling because everything was on my shoulders, financial, day to day stuff, kids, you name it..I was doing it.   I was even supporting our whole family as DH's salary was going to court cases, alimony, child support and his old marital debt.   I ended up exhausted, angry, depressed and anxious.  I didn't wany any sort of physical intimacy with DH..because by the end of the day..I WAS FLAT OUT EXHAUSTED, mentally and physcially. I did the best I could but man I was doing everything by myself on very little sleep.   DH wanted to just say "Tell me what to do and I will do it"..but then resented being told what to do.  I resented having to tell gown @ss man to do everything.  I felt like I had another child to take care of.  Let me tell ya..no one wants to be intimate with someone that acts like a child.  DH wanted to live in his own little world.  DH now realizes and verbalizes..that the problem with us WAS ALL HIM.  He created the messed up dynamic in our marriage and caused me a tremendous amount of pain.

And just becuase your DH works with all men..don't for one second think he can't cheat.  Poster Girl here for that...online shiznit is very reall let me tell and just as traumatizing.  Just be aware..I never in a million years thought DH would cheat on me either..but here I am in that very uncomfortable boat.

Now, since DH has been working very very hard on himself and had to take a very long look in the mirror, he realizes that he dropped the ball.  He now steps up to help without being told to....consequently, I'm not resentful, tired or angry.  The bonus of that is no more roomates.   Why...because I'm not exhausted and overwhelmed all the time. Our marraige is better now but it will always have a cloud over it a bit due to DH's actions.

I guess what I'm saying....nip this whole thing in the bud now....or it will fester and then all kinds of stupid shiznit happens.

Has DH asked for a raise? Could he at least try that? Could the company replace him for what they are paying him? It sounds like he doesn't want to make any waves at work - but it would be the least he could do for you. If he was making more money, you could solve the Mom issue - and that might go a long way towards changing your state of mind.

So, is there any possibility of HIM working remotely also.. at least a few days a week.. 

From what I see.. you are working fully remote.. if he could be at home at the same time.. maybe you could both juggle your workload through the day to do both your jobs.. plus be able to care for baby without your mom's help?  at least on days he could be at home.

I get you are both working.. but if you still got your work done.. if it meant working longer hours to make up for the time during the day you are doing baby duty.. maybe it would work?

Or.. maybe you find a PT daycare that you pay for.. and he makes cuts in his budget somehow to pay for it.. or you share it.. (you get benefit of getting mom out).?

otherwise.. we all know that the reality is he can earn more elsewhere.. and that would pay for other child care.. and make your life better.