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God Do I Hate Her

CastleJJ's picture

So SS10 comes to visit this weekend. He will be here tomorrow to Sunday as makeup time for visitation he had to skip due to a basketball tournament in February. We let BM know that we will be staying at my parent's house for the whole weekend because our apartment is packed up due to us closing on our house in a week or so. 

It has been silent for the past four months because SS has been in BM's care, so no need for her to cause drama right. So BM emails DH at midnight last night stating that GF rushed SS to urgent care over a "pindrop-sized black mark" on SS' arm. BM said the doctor lanced it, but couldn't find anything. BM wanted DH to "keep an eye on it" over the weekend and seek medical attention if needed. Whatever...

DH then sends BM an email this morning, confirming exchange times for SS and letting her know (as the CO requires) that we will be staying at my parent's house this weekend and she will need to pick up from there. My parents live 45 minutes from our apartment, but they live closer to BM and BM has picked SS up there before, so we believed it would be no issue right. WRONG. BM fired back that picking SS up from my parents adds 45 minutes each way to her trip and she won't do it. She stated that she would only do that if she was going to visit her parents since it is on the way, but since she is not, she won't. Basically, she acted like she would have had to drive to our apartment and backtrack to my parents, which is utter bullshit. So, DH maps both addresses from her home and sends her the screenshots of the maps, proving that my parent's house is closer, both in time and mileage. He let's her know that if she refuses to pick up at their house, then fine, but they need to meet at a mutually agreed upon location, since we aren't driving 45 minutes back to our apartment just to drop off. 

BM then goes off about how she remapped it again and while it isn't as long as she originally stated, she isn't comfortable taking that route "due to unsafe backroads." She then said that the preferred route she takes is longer, which is why she won't do it. To get to my parents house from BM's, you literally take a major interstate 300 miles north, then merge onto a US freeway and take that NE, and then get off at my parent's exit and drive 2 miles... there are absolutely no backroads. Plus, this "unsafe route" is the same route BM takes to get from her home to her parent's home so she has done it hundreds of times before without issue. She then called DH "demanding and uncooperative." She tells DH that it isn't fair because she drives SS daily to school, daycare, sports, etc. and that we only drive him to pick up for parenting time, so we need to keep that in mind when "demanding last-minute favors of her." BM goes on about how legally our CO states pick-ups are to occur at our residence or mutually agreed upon location, so we can't legally demand a location she doesn't agree to and she could technically force us to take SS back to our apartment for pick up. Right BM, because you haven't forced us to pick SS up from BM's parent's house or her state's FBI headquarters (GF's former employment) before, yet we are uncooperative. After her tantrum, she agreed to meet DH at a Lowes right off the freeway 2 miles from my parent's house. Fine BM. 

Good lord. I am sure BM is pissed about DD and the fact that she knows we are closing on our house soon, which is probably why she is being petty but still... The funny thing is, we are moving about 10 miles south of my parents and it's actually in the country so not only will BM have to take that same "unsafe backroads route," she will also have to take actual country backroads to get to our new home. For real though, why can't BM just play nice ever?! 

Comments

Ispofacto's picture

CO states pick-ups are to occur at our residence

The place you currently reside is your residence.  I would have ignored her.  If she wanted SS back she'd have no choice but to pick up at your residence.  No judge on earth would think her tantrum was reasonable.

 

CastleJJ's picture

Yes, but that is the issue. Our legal residence is our apartment, which is where BM wants to pick SS up from. We are only staying at my parents house this weekend because our apartment is packed up and SS won't have a room at our apartment since that is where we are storing all of our stuff (we weren't telling BM that). So technically, BM is right about the fact that she is not picking up from our residence, but at another location we requested.

DH laughed and said we should have sent her the address of our newly built house and done the exchange there because technically it is our residence, we just haven't closed on it yet lol. 

Ispofacto's picture

I would argue that your parents house is your residence until closing.

 

CastleJJ's picture

True, I could say that. We have been staying there more than our own apartment since our apartment is torn to shreds right now. 

ESMOD's picture

I would have cut my nose off to spite my face and done the pickup at the apartment.. knowing it was longer for her!

CastleJJ's picture

Yeah but that means we would have also had to drive an extra 45 minutes one way, back to our apartment because we won't be there. All that just for BM to pick him up. Honestly, meeting at our apartment is a lose lose for everyone. 

TrueNorth77's picture

She's being difficult just to be difficult- this is exactly something Crazy (BM here) would do. She sounds very punchable.

The_Upgrade's picture

What a dumbfk though. If I was a crazyBM and my ex had moved on and was expecting a child with someone else, the last thing I would do is make his new family seem like such a better option than the crazy. I'd be sending our kid there every chance I got to assert dominance, not keep the kid out of reach so that he has more time to bond solo with his new baby.  She's a classic "stay the hell away from us and you're not allowed to talk to SS on my time" but also "SS's dad is a deadbeat because he does nothing". Destined to be unhappy. 

CastleJJ's picture

Oh our BM is very "damned if you do, damned if you don't." I have always said that BM hates and loves DH at the same time. She wants DH to care, but doesn't want him to care. Like with the "pindrop sized mark" on SS' arm that she reported required urgent medical attention. I'm sure BM wanted DH to freak out over it and give BM attention by showing concern, but then if DH asks any questions about the medical info, he's being nosey and controlling, so DH just responds "Thanks for letting me know" and BM gets mad at the lack of reaction. BM fought in court, trying to get DH to do visitation in her city. When DH refused, he was a deadbeat who doesn't care about SS, but when we did visit SS in her city a few times, we were stalking her and being difficult... we can seriously never win so we just don't try anymore. 

The_Upgrade's picture

Which is why you can only laugh. As frustrating as she is, laugh over the fact that you can see through her antics but she can't. She's genuinely getting worked up over why none of her schemes work. As frustrated as you are, know that she's feeling even worse Biggrin

Felicity0224's picture

I wish I knew (or maybe it's better that I don't) exactly what goes through someone's head when they talk themselves in circles trying to justify completely unreasonable behavior. It must be absolute bat-shit insanity... "well if I just keep denying that the most obvious, simple, bit of truth is true, then they'll HAVE to believe me!" 

CastleJJ's picture

The funny thing is - BM always comes up with these complex and unnecessary plans. Instead of a simple straight line plan, her plans have to have zigzags and loops. A pickup that should be a simple 4-hour car ride turns into a plane, train, and automobile due to BM. It can never, ever be simple. The worst part is, not only does she make it harder on us, she makes it equally hard, if not harder on herself. If you are going to make it complicated, at least do it to your own benefit or to make it easier on yourself. 

dragonfly878's picture

Now that you have your daughter- it will be interesting to see how your tolerance for BS starts to shift. When it was just DH, SS and I- I felt I was able to tolerate much more from SS and BM. After I had DD my tolerance took a nosedive because I learned that not everything needs to be a dramatic, complicated, self-serving show. 

Also- directly or indirectly these things are going to start impacting your DD. That's what happened with me and I was having none of it...

CastleJJ's picture

Oh it's already shifting. When it was just DH and I, I did tolerate a lot of BM's crap. I was far more agreeable to whatever BM wanted and was all consumed by SS and making sure everything was in his best interest. Plus I was so scared to lose time with SS, where now, I dont really care. Now that I have DD, I am over BM and her bullshit. When she pulled this stunt yesterday, I was literally like "You have got to be kidding me." We are all adults here; its time to act like one. I'm over every little thing having to be a big dramatic production. I thought I would do better with completely ignoring BM's antics since DD was born, but yesterday left me reeling - not in fear or anxiety like it used to be, but more in the stupidity and annoyance of the conversation. 

dragonfly878's picture

I almost wonder if your DH took an "I don't care" approach when it comes to SS with BM- if she will then change her tune? I only ask becuase it sounds like its all about control with her. If he doesn't give her anything to control, a very "whatever" attitude... it will probably piss her off and she'll WANT to have your DH more active/inivolved? IDK... just trying to play chess with this woman... she sounds tough.

CastleJJ's picture

We have been doing the "I don't care" approach for months. DH responds to almost every single email with "Thank you for the update" and he rarely emails BM about anything, since SS is in her care 85% of the time. I can't tell if it is making a difference. BM seems mad that he isn't giving her a reaction, but she also seems to want him to stay out of it all. In BM's perfect world, I think BM wants DH to accept every thing she says and every decision she makes regarding SS, never contradicting anything and she wants DH to shower her with kudos and admiration about her being a "single parent." Because DH never does that and his inquiries only pertain to SS and not BM's handling/raising of SS, it seems to upset her. BM wants to be the center of DH's attention, not SS, but yet she hates DH and I'm sure wishes he was gone.