You are here

BM Continues to Show Her Selfishness

CastleJJ's picture

So, as I have mentioned previously, our BM will not parent. For the last 11 years, she has pawned off all parenting responsibilities on her parents, and then her GF after they started dating. BM refuses to parent but refused to let DH have SS either. SS has informed us of BM's lack of parenting, often without seeing her fault in it. We have found out that GF has done everything for the past 5ish years since BM moved in with her - done daily school pick up and drop off, done all medical appointments, done all sport transportation, etc. BM only ever tends to SS when he is home and there is no other option and usually she isn't with him more than a few hours a day, typically just feeding him dinner and telling him to go to bed. BM on the other hand, uses all of her free time to workout, pursue hobbies, and work. It's almost like she lives a child free life.

Last week, DH received an email from BM's GF stating that GF took SS to the doctor for his annual physical. GF provided DH with the full report. DH thanked her for the update. Tonight, we talked to SS on the phone and SS said that GF went out of town on business for a few days and BM refuses to disrupt her routine, so SS has to wake up tomorrow at 5 am to join her at the gym for her morning workout before he goes to school. What parent can't sacrifice a few gym sessions to ensure their kid has enough sleep to function through a whole day of school and a whole evening of sports? SS11 will be up for 16 hours tomorrow from the time he wakes up at 5 am until the time he goes to bed at 9 pm. She clearly deserves MOTY... If GF wasn't out of town, all of that responsibility of getting SS up and ready for school would have been on her to handle, all while BM enjoys her 5 am gym session. I seriously CANNOT with BM. 


grannyd's picture

Hey, Castle JJ,

How coincidental, that your name came up earlier this evening, when I identified some of the unluckiest StepTalk members at the bio-mom draw. Yours is a textbook example of a neurotic, self-involved, narcissistic, dominatrix. What a controlling, rigid personality she has! One also questions her fiancée’s psychological state, in view of her willingness to be completely subjugated and used. The fiancée must like it? Who knows, maybe the gals have a closet full of black leather, ball gags and hand cuffs and enjoy the dickens out of their rôles?

All kidding aside it must be tough for your husband to see his son handed off to a parent substitute when he could enjoy a much happier and healthier childhood with his dad. Particularly when the boy, in addition to his mother’s indifference, is overscheduled in sports to the detriment of both his physical and mental health. 

Your DH’s situation is reminiscent of Rags' and his bride’s misery when their toddler was returned from a visit in a  regressed and filthy state. The helplessness that the sane parent must experience is awful to even imagine. Sad




The_Upgrade's picture

I guess the silver lining is that the GF is there. As bad as the alienation is, it sounds like it's BM the one driving it while the GF is just a passenger. If GF wasn't in the picture, BM would tell SS that he only needs his mother and instead of replacing DH with GF, she'd just erase him completely. But at least with GF around to pick up the slack, SS will still keep on top of his schoolwork, he'll be fed properly and his teeth won't be rotting out of his head. That BM is a special piece of work. 

Rags's picture

I wish it was only one incident.  We had a filthy, non verbal, rotten anus, puss filled buttocks welt suffering miserable little boy come home a number of times from age 2 to age 4ish.  He left a happy, verbal, engaging smart little boy and came home a feral stench emitting waif.

It still makes me angry pushing 30 years later.

We made sure that we scrubbed the toxic sperm clan's noses in their neglectful mentally  and emotionally abusive stench.

As successful as his mom and I have been in mitigating their influece on our son as much as possible, he still struggles with some baggage from the heartbreak they have put him through.  He is doing great, but... I firmly believe he still has some cofidence issues and struggles with close intimate relationships because of the Spermidiot's mysoginist example  of intimate relationships and the SpermClan's abusively neglectful PASing crap.

I hope CatleJJs Skid can have a good outcome.  I hope the same for all of the SKids.  

Yes, I am an optimist. But I am not delusional.  So, my heart will break for many of the kids who are cursed with a shallow and polluted end to their gene pools.


CastleJJ's picture

The GF likes it, but I think she only likes it because this is as close to a family and children "of her own" as she is going to get. GF previously mentioned years ago that her and BM were going to have a baby "together", but I highly doubt it given how little BM wants to do for SS. I highly doubt BM would start all over with an infant, especially when SS is almost fully independent in his day to day life. As I've mentioned previously, BM once told SS when he was 5 that he was truly BM and GF's son and DH was a willing sperm donor; this was a year or so after BM and GF started dating. DH shut that storyline down immediately and confirmed everything by showing SS his birth certificate. This is also when SS started calling GF "Mom." DH called BM out for allowing GF to be called "Mom," especially so new into their relationship when BM had only moved down there a few months prior (compared to the full year of online dating). BM tore DH apart stating that SS wanted to call GF "Mom" and that BM never pushed it and that GF was providing SS with everything DH never wanted to or could. Yeah right. Whenever DH used to get angry with BM about her non-chalant attitude regarding DH's status as father, BM would always gaslight DH, reminding him that his limited involvement is "all his own doing" but that she will always respect his role as Dad, which is rich given the circumstances we have faced. DH has admitted that he has no problem with GF - she is nice enough, takes care of SS well, and is easy to communicate with and actually shares information. Honestly, DH prefers dealing with GF over BM. 

The funny thing is that BM didn't used to be as neglectful as she is now. When she lived relatively locally to DH and I and her parents were involved, her parents watched SS 6 days per week due to BM being in college and working, but BM was obsessed with SS and his health and wellbeing. That kid never missed a doctor appointment, was always well groomed and relatively well dressed, and always well fed. BM was obsessed with his sugar intake, the condition of his skin, etc. It caused BM to become obsessed with how we took care of SS in our home. She became obsessed about clothes we had, food we gave him, if he got a bug bite or sunburn, etc. I know it was all about control. SS still is well taken care of, but now, I think it is more GF's doing. Honestly, if GF wasn't in the picture, BM would likely still be living near her parents and her parents would be picking up the parenting slack. 

DH has had to learn to accept the arrangement. SS has been brainwashed into reducing DH to a mere extended family member with no real parental authority, while GF and BM are held to the highest regard. DH doesn't feel as connected with SS, but how could he? He hasn't seen him for more than 2 weeks at a time for the last 9 years, being completely kept away for the first two years of SS' life. He had no chance to bond with SS. DH said it is like trying to parent a nephew or niece, since he was never really given the opportunity to be Dad to SS. Which all of this is so crazy to me because DH is an amazing Dad to DD1 and is more than capable. He does absolutely everything that I do - daycare pickups and drop offs, meal time, bath time, play time, diaper changes, etc. There is no parenting task he won't do. It's sad to see that SS will miss out on that level of care and experience with DH, but due to BM and the courts, it is what it is. 

dragonfly878's picture

CPS? Sleep deprevation is borderline abuse... Also, is there record of her not taking SS to doc appointments- only GF? Sounds like you could make a case for neglect, too... 

CastleJJ's picture

I don't think that BM waking SS up once a few hours early is grounds for CPS. 

BM has sole custody and works third shift. Most of SS' appointments are first thing in the morning to ensure he doesn't miss school, hence why GF ends up taking him most of the time. BM does these parenting things like appointments, sports transportation, etc. but it seems like it is always 25% to GF's 75% contribution. Since we live long distance and DH has little involvement, we have no case since BM is ensuring that SS is taken care of, even if not by her directly. I don't think the courts would see fault in a soon to be stepparent (wedding this Fall) assisting with the day to day load of the custodial parent.