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Wasn’t ST a safe place for step parent ?

Caroline2b1211's picture


I must write in my blog that one. 
First, please excuse my bad english. I'm absolutely not fluent, it's not my native language. So if you see sarcasms in my post, or in my answers, it's barely impossible (LOL). 

Second, the objective of our blogs are to vent right ? 

Because i made one post earlier, and i had the impression to be drastically judged without knowing my history. 

First i had a "Your SS is more loyal to MIL because she raised him". Wow, what a declaration ! 
Are you talking about the MIL i know ? Because that's not her. My MIL never raised SS. Until last year, my MIL was the one who says "you made a child ? You assume him on your own".

Second, i had "your SS is spending miserable times with you, why are you taking him his phone". SS spend 9 years of wonderful times with his father, and severals years where i was there too. Everything destroyed in a few months by MIL, using competition spirit (BM must proud that my son is rejected because his son is naturally much better than mine), massive manipulative and brainwashing techniques on SS, everything under our eyes without any control. Because BM was too flatted his son was the one choosen by MIL. 

It took a year and therapy to understand what happened in our familly, why the birth of our child created such a mess in MIL mind, why she compulsively tries to destroy DH, and of course why i'm the lady to kill. 
Now she is the one who says to his son : "you work for making economy, i work because i need to EAT !!!!" 

DH tried his best to make BM understand what was really going on. But we are in front of an egoist BM who prefers is own comfort to his son well being. It's soo easier to be the cool mom : "ok son, you doesn't want to go to your father, lets go to MIL". Trust me, when she didn't have the choice, ie. when MIL wasn't available at all and when they was enemy, she never let SS decided to stay with her when she wanted freechild time ! And believe me, it was often ! 

I have invest many years to create a solid bond with SS, and it makes me suffer to see everything destroyed by a psychotic women. I can't imagine what DH has been through. My parents too were super invested in SS well being, school (they are teachers) and activity. 

But in one post, i have been put in the position of the non invested SM, with a non invested father, hyper rigid who arbitrary punished his son from his phone. 

I'm not perfect, DH too, we make mistake, we learn from them, but god, we try our super best. And everything occured when we had a newborn at home, with no real-time support as we live far from my family. God how hard this year has been. How hard was it for us to manage our baby, SS insecurity and MIL toxicity. 
And now, we should put all our efforts to garbage, our own safety, because SS is bored without his phone ? 

I'm sorry for all the members here who are super great, and super supportive. But in one post, all the support i had the impression to have here, as a "safe place", has gone.


Thanks for reading. 
PS : maybe i'm super tired, and didn't undestand well the answers i get. Or maybe i'm over-reacting, or maybe i didn't expressed myself really well but... I had the impression to read : hey caroline, SS entertainment goes before DH, BS and YOUR mental health and family safety. 



Irene H.'s picture

I have felt attacked here at times, too.

I think everyone on here has been hurt. We have a lot of baggage. So it's easy to say something harsh, without really meaning to. It's also easy to get our feelings hurt, because our emotions are already raw.

For me, I get defensive when people criticize my husband, even when I know he's wrong.

I think most people here, really are trying to help each other. Some just project their own trauma onto their answers. It's not meant to be hurtful, most of the time.

I've gotten some good advice here, just the same.


Caroline2b1211's picture

Yes you must be right, i might get defensive these days and more "sensible". 
And of course, i know all comments here are there to be supportive & helpful. 
And as someone says below, language barriere doesn't help

barbKarin's picture

So im going to reiterate what some people have said in the other post.

I think the language barrier is causing some miscommunication. Most of the users were on your side Caroline. As am I.

Agree to him having the phone and have him for all of July. But when he comes over, wait for the phone to be unlocked and simply block your MIL and SIL.

I feel like losing time by taking a hard stance of no phone won't help anyone.

Caroline2b1211's picture

Thanks barbkarin ! 
To block the two won't be an easy things, facebook, instagram, snapchat, whats'app, tictoc, messenger, SMS, calls. My fear is to forget an app. And SS knows how to unlock contact, 
Will be much easier if we had access to SS code to activate parental control. 

advice.only2's picture

I think sentiments are getting lost in translation honestly.  Let SS9 bring the phone, but have DH keep it and screen it for SS9.  This is what my DH did when SDs mother insisted she needed a cell phone at 7. 

Caroline2b1211's picture

That's must be it. 
My english has some limits ! 
Wow, a phone at 7 ? 
I'm just wondering what's BM have in mind when they ask for a phone at such an young age. 
Here, the iphone arrived when SS was 9, and i though he was too young for that. 
In my mind, a simple phone to call, text sometimes was the best. Not an iphone with full access on social media or internet. 
Last year i read a book called " La fabrique à crétin digital" (ie. the digital idiot factory). In this book, we learn that spartphones destroy young child brain by limiting concentration & focus capacities. It's even worst than videogames.

I'm just wondering what's in BM mind to think that's ok to let her 10 yo child alone with his phone. 
Some of SS's classmates have a phone, but not an iphone, and only few of them shared contact and number with SS. Guess what ? Because every parents knows SS has a dangerous use of phone. They just don't want their child to be in virtual contact with him. That's so sad for him. And of course, his former bestfriend who is a great student doesn't have phone and is not allowed to call SS with his parent's ones. 

ESMOD's picture

It's interesting that this is the 2nd post in a row where people have lamented that they don't feel heard here.. and that they couldn't safely vent without criticism.  I think it's fair to say that sometimes we make judgements and assumptions based on information we are given.. or think we have been given.  And... maybe the language difference has fed into that in your situation.

but, I don't think that "WE" think that banning the phone is an arbitrary punishment for your SS.  BUT.. THAT is what YOUR SS thinks.  He doesn't understand the complex issues with his grandmother.. he has split loyalties to his mother.. to his grandmother.. to you and his father.  

The problem is that because HE thinks it's an arbitrary punishment..he is reluctant to want to spend time in your home.. and that is putting his bond (or ability to forge a bond) with his father at risk.   

I think that is why I , among others, advocated for some way to allow access to the phone while still having some boundaries.  Because in many ways.. the cat is out of the bag regarding contact to grandma and SIL.. he already has daily contact with her.. so by "banning" the phone it is likely to result with less time with dad.. which means MORE time he can have contact with MIL.. which could further risk her having more and more influence.

No one is saying that unlimited access to a phone for a 10 year old is a good thing.. but his primary parent has decided he can have it.  No one is saying that exposure to MIL is good.. but he has it via BM and unless his dad is willing to take steps to put some legal barriers in place.. the only way he has to combat MIL's agenda is to have as much time with his son as possible so that his son sees the truth.. and not MIL's version.  

And, the only way his son will appear to spend more time is if he believes he will have at least some access to that phone.  It appears some limits are ok.. since they are willing to shorten the visit because a month is "too long without the phone".. so I would go with the full month.. that the phone won't be fully banned but when he gets there.. make the necessary changes to it so MIL is blocked.. and access is reduced outside supervised areas etc.. once the kid is there.. it's harder to reverse it out.. though he has had episodes of cry wolf with his mom.. so, dad really needs to supervise him and yes.. cameras may be a good idea.. with motion sensor to ensure the boy isn't sneaking at night to access a phone to cause a problem.


Winterglow's picture

I suspect that what triggered this post was less the discussion about the phone than a post that has since disappeared by a newbie who made some entirely unfounded assumptions about OP's situation. 

ESMOD's picture

I must have missed that.. Every now and then people do go off and a lot of times it's probably because they are projecting their own experiences.. but hopefully OP understands most people are trying to be helpful even if we ham hand it sometimes.(basically heavy handed)

Caroline2b1211's picture

*i-m_so_happy*Hi ESMOD, i do understand and share your analysis of the phone the situation. And i think your are right. 

The idea to let SS access freely to it made us panic because of all the touchpoints he could have with MIL, and because of the fact that he is capable of unlock her.

But sure, the best solution is half way between a "No phone" and a "total free access". 

My trigger was when someone wrote that MIL raise SS. It could be funny on my good day but yesterday i wasn't able to make fun of this situation.

But again, thanks for your time, your advise and your analysis.